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新的开始

2012-02-04T08:43:00.002+08:00

某一个情节的结束，代表着另一个情节的开始。

光阴似箭，一转眼就来到了二月；
开学了，是时候穿上校服上学去。
我如愿以偿地进入心目中的理想学院，
带着那份好奇、探索的心情，
我翻开了人生的另一部情节，进入了人生的另一境界。

当初我还在中学念书、在超市打工；
难以相信我现年已有十七岁，已经是个初院生了。
时间走得太快，让我难以跟上它的步伐，
也没有给我太多的时间，让我跟过去的一切道别。
就在那匆忙、感叹的情怀下，我开始了人生的另一篇章。

我是一个念旧的人；唯有在离开了中学后，
才发现我是如此的想念那个地方；
那个令我成长、让我领悟、使我成熟、富有人情味的地方。
然而，天下无不散之筵席，所有美好的东西，毕竟有曲终人散的那一刻。
但是，往往在一切结束时，我们开看见所有的美好，
所有的人情世故，在结束时才学会去珍惜。。。

此时让我做出了一个决定；
我不想再像往常一样，因为失去或结束的东西，
而错过了现有的美好。
如果一切的人、事、物都要我学着去珍惜，
那么我应该在他们还在身边时，而学着去感恩。

也许是往常的那份执著，使我无法接受所有的一切；
可能是从前的那份念旧，使我无法珍惜眼前的美好。
但是，这一次我要学会去珍惜，而不是等到失去时，才来后悔。

眼前的路是一片迷茫，是直是弯我也无法任别；
但是这一次我心里有数，此路是一生中唯一一条自己选择走的路，
无论如何一定要走完它，一定要走下去；
自记的决定是没有回头路的，所以一定要坚持到底。

现在，我竟入了人生的新一篇章，希望在开始这段旅程前，
能够克服所有的恐惧，让我一口气走到终点。。。

卖柑橘记

2012-01-18T09:12:00.002+08:00

龙年即将到来，老板把我部署在分行外卖柑。

我敢说这应该是一项万人都不求之的工作；
除了日晒雨淋之外，还要面对顾客的种种刁蛮，
有时还得背黑锅，受气，等等的委屈。
然而，打工的也是纳这种东西没辙。。。
因为我们是为人打工的。

刺激到我的灵感的非顾客，而是一粒粒的柑橘。
柑橘可能在众人的眼中毫无差别，其实背后也有一门学问；
广东的咏春芦柑甘香清甜，不过不易耐放，容易腐烂；
汕头的蕉柑味道涩涩的，不过难堪却扎实的外皮给它添了个保护膜；
产自巴基斯坦的蜜柑外表夺人，不过里头的肉却是酸的；
台湾碰柑果肉扎实，清甜多水，价格也当然不便宜。

顾客来购买柑橘时，有的精挑细选，看了一粒换一粒；
有的个性爽快，拿了就走人。
有的顾客百般挑剔，仗着自己有几分钱就来此揶揄弄人；
有的顾客也是服务行业出身，尽心体谅、合作。
有的可以豪爽买下几百箱柑橘，
有的为了一粒，可以跟你斤斤计较。

始终令我感兴趣的，仍然是柑橘。

芦柑多水，外皮不厚，顾客摸起来软软的，就以为是次等货。
顾客远走之后，拨开橘皮尝尝，
其实那软软的芦柑可真是甘香，而顾客却走宝了。
蕉柑外皮不美，不是办年货的首选，
不过它那难看的外皮，却是让它能够成为唯一能渡过元宵的柑橘的理由。
蜜柑光有外表，果肉的味道不知道让多少顾客反感；
而顶级的碰柑，也只有会欣赏的人才懂得品尝。

其实，往更深一处去思考，我们何尝不类似柑橘？
有的人就如芦柑一样，外表不健壮，一副弱势人群的样子，
谁可知他可能是一位学富五车、知识渊博的才子？
有的也许会像蕉柑，外表丑陋，也许内涵也不是很深，
但是坚强的外形却给了身边的人一种安慰和依赖，
就如蕉柑因为耐收而成了一些人的首选。

有的就如蜜柑，光有外表，长得楚楚动人，魅力可倾国倾城；
但是内心的世界是否相同，就令人难以琢磨，
也许是一副菩萨心肠，也可能是一位蛇蝎美人。
而碰柑的好，也许只有知道的人才会品尝；
有的人的美好，也许，就只有那些知道的人才能领悟。

若把柑橘比喻成人，那么选柑、买柑，就如选友、选伴一样吧。

有的人眼光独特，选的都是上等货；
有的则固执与自己的看法，选了次等货回家。
有的我们看似外表输人，但是果肉却十分甘甜；
有的买了一箱自认为好货的回家，隔天就拿来对换了。。。

因为里头的柑橘全都烂了！

来我这里选柑橘，坏了可以对换；
但是很多时候，我们非常清楚，
有的朋友交了，是好是坏，都无法对换。
买了柑橘，不满意也许还能退货，
交换了承诺，那就是一辈子的事了。

人生一步一脚印，也许就如选柑橘；
左挑右选，东看西看，看了一个认为好的，自然就有更好的。
选的时候，有的注重外表，有的则注重内涵；
有的能够难得好货，有的时运差，偏偏就是挑到次等货。
其实选柑橘就如看人、交友、结缘一样吧；
看到的人，交道的朋友，结到的良缘，其实就是在选柑橘，
完全处决于自己的态度和想法。

也许，我们就如那千千万万的顾客，慢慢地选着柑橘；
同时我们也如同一粒粒柑橘一样，认人挑选。

是好货、还是次等货，卖橘的我只能说，
这并非由自己的条件来说明，而是由他人的眼光来约束。
所以，无论是好货坏货，我们都无需在意太多。。。

因为到底我们依然都同样是柑橘，人的口味不同，
总有一天，我们都会找到自己的伯乐。

致意

2012-01-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

四年前的十二月，仿佛末日降临；
当时那种烂成绩，不仅夺走了我所有的光彩，
还把我踢入万丈深渊，想要令我无法翻身。
这四年，我受尽了多少揶揄，多少侮辱，多少冷言冷语。。。

所有的事，所有的人，就如报应一样，
处处折磨、刁难我，
令我就如过街老鼠一般，人人喊打；
人看我，总带着瞧不起的眼光，
总拿我与他人比较，总认为我无法表现。。。

十年寒窗无人问，一举成名天下知；
金榜题名了，才有那么多的惊讶和错愕；
本是想低调一点，谁知消息一传出，
那些有的没有的都打电话来“祝贺”，
真是让人觉得，世事难料，真是一个成绩挂帅的社会。。。

不过说真的，这四年过得特别痛苦、特别艰难，
一切，都是一布一脚印踩出的踏实路；
所以，今日能够如此成果，十分得来不易，
让人而外珍惜，特别感恩。

想当初还是垫底的我，也有今日！
阔别四年，不知有否让人刮目相看？

四年令我成熟、稳重多了；
四年的甜酸苦辣，令我成长、令我领悟；
四年的是是非非，让我明白，让我看清；
四年的一切，也让我结交不少的挚友。

没有骄傲的心态，只有感恩的心态；
以下要特别感谢：

诸位学校老师和补习老师；
没有他们的付出就没有我今日的成果，
因为他们的关怀、他们的支持、他们的帮助，
我才有今天，所以我的成绩是属于他们的。

父母和少许关心的亲戚；
没有他们的支持和挑战我就无法突破重围，超越自己。

与我“桃园三结义”的二位好兄弟，CK & CJ；
没有他们的鼓励和开导我也无法成就如此成绩，
多亏他们的义气和帮助，我才能够坚持至此。

学生军众家将；
多亏他们给于我的美丽回忆和美好时光，
使我开朗许多，让我有信心迎接所有挑战，
才有今天的成果，和我们共同的回忆。

补习班的同学；
常常令我有一个开怀的星期三，
让我在轻松的环境下学习数学；
也有你们的笑话和玩闹，
才令着紧张的一年时常怀有愉快的气氛。

特别感谢与我亦敌亦友的小寒；
没有你从前的揶揄，我就不会尝试写作和博客；
因为从前，有了当今，
而就是因为写作，我成就了一切。
万分敬意和感恩，多谢！

再次感谢所有曾经帮助过、支持过、鼓励过我的人；
我的成果，不是个人的，而是因为有了大家，
才有今天的我。

十分感恩，谢了各位！

说，不说

2012-01-05T08:48:00.003+08:00

此时心里有种怪怪的感觉。

彻夜没有睡得很好，也没有睡得很久；
不过一起身却感觉精力充沛的。
不知道为何，就是有点奇怪。

我说我要分享些。。。
哎呀，还是别说了。
有些事，我想我不应该说吧。

哈哈。

我总觉得，人嘛，就要做到三件事：
通过过去，把握当前，展望未来。
过去，都已经过去了；
从前的一切不再有，随着时间消失去。
当前是我们唯一能够拥有、把握的，
所以，要珍惜眼前的光阴，眼前的一切，
一切的人，一切的事。
未来，我们无法推定；未来，怀满未知数，
所以唯一能做的，就是有所展望，怀着希望，不要失望。

所以，我经常想想，过去错过的，
我可能要在当今好好弥补，
以至到了未来就不会失望。
过去的，已经过去了；
眼前的，我不想错过，
所以，未来才会美满吧。

可是，我有时很担心；
担心过去的阴影会在当今缠绕着我，
以致我无法看清自己的未来。
我担心，过去的效果挥之不散，
影响了当今，更破坏了未来。

如果时间可以倒流，
我会说我一定不会犯下从前的过错。。。
不过时间是不会倒流的，
所以我想乘着当今，当自己还能掌握一切时，
尽力改变一切的错误，不要在不久的将来留下遗憾。

过去的往事已随风而飞，
我只希望，当今是个变奏曲，
能够让我改变这一切。

因为失去一次就够了；
朋友易得，知己难求啊。。。

哎呀，都说了不要说出来，
说出来坏了事，
怎么还一口气都说出来了。。。

说了，但愿，不会坏事吧？

2012?

2011-12-27T19:11:00.002+08:00

又是一年啊。

一转眼，一年就如此过去了。
去年的今天，我还在为很多事而苦恼；
此时此刻，却对世事如此厌倦，一再不管。
说自己改变了，其实自己依然如旧；
说自己没有任何改变，有有一点睁着双眼说瞎话似的。

应该说的是，改变的是周围的人、事、物；
因为他们的改变，让自己觉得一切都有如脱胎换骨一样，
自己，也不知不绝地改变了。

性格改变了，看法改变了，想法改变了；
周围的一切也跟着改变了。
景物依旧，人事已非；
从前的挚友成了陌生人，就是的敌人化干戈为玉帛。
年少懵懂的弟子已肉身成圣，而年少坦率的我，
似乎因为周围的改变和一切而老了四十岁。

又是一年，让人心力交瘁的一年。

回顾这一年的一切，
光阴似箭，时间不等人似的就来到了十二月，
另一方面又觉得时间过得太慢，
慢得令我忘记了原有的目的。
也许，自己对于时间已经失算了；
分不清昼夜，日出日落也变得毫无意义。

可能一切过得太快；或者一切来得太慢。

旧时的新年愿望、新年目标，
到年底的时候就已经忘得一干二净。
所以就有了个决定；
若硬要有个新年目标的话，就是要大家都还记得彼此；
谁知啊，此时告别何时再见？
都希望大家都还记得彼此，还能回忆起打家一起度过的岁月，
就像那首洋歌唱的：
should all acquaintance be forget and never brought to mind...

好了，也是时后总结一下，
自己今年到底有何成就，达成了哪些目标。

其实想想，今年得却过得太匆忙，
使我忘了很多事情。
但愿明年会是美好的一年；
钞票、冒险、女人，我统统都要。

还是往前看吧！
也许，2012年大家都会有个转机。

“风再冷，不想逃，
花再没也不想要，任我飘摇；
天越高，心越小，
不问因果有多少，独自醉倒；
今天哭，明天笑，
不求有人能明了，一身骄傲；
歌在唱，舞在跳，
长夜慢慢不觉晓将快乐寻找。。。”

千山万水

2011-12-12T22:13:00.003+08:00

闲着没事做，就把旧照拿出来，翻一翻、看一看。
看看那些陈年往事，回味当时的浓郁情谊。
发黄的照片，时间一去永不回；
那些闭月羞花的丫头，都成了亭亭玉立的美少女，
而那面带几分稚气的男童，都成了英姿分发的美少男。
从前的孩子成了今日的少年，发黄的照片，
似乎在告诉我，我老了，时间一去就不回头了。

在往深处想，才了解到，原来在这些岁月中，
我也撑过了不少的苦日子，埃过了不少的辛酸，度过了不少的难关。

看着照片中那一张张年少无知的面庞，
总觉得似乎昨天那些孩子仍然乳臭未干，
今天却一下子成熟了很多，成熟到我都不认得了。
这一天，看似短暂，却是如此漫长；
从日出到日落，一瞬间黑发成银丝，魁梧健壮，也变得老态龙钟。

那些年，那些月，那些日；
想想当初自己是如何站在困难面前，
看着眼前的混乱，自认无法从虎口中脱险，
更别说到如何将周围的一切化险为夷，顺利过关。
总是在那紧要关头想要放弃，想要“以死谢罪”算了；
学习是如此，面对人生危机也是如此，对于自己闯的祸更是如此。
从前的精级数学、从前的同班同学、从前的学生军。。。

没办法，只好自认倒霉，
在胸口上刻个“勇”字，硬着头皮送死去。
总是在那些快要绝望的时刻，
才会把那极大的无畏，那极大的毅力，和那极大的努力搬出来，
使尽那杨家十八枪，杀他们个片甲不留，自己也被杀个片甲不留。

奇怪，每次在鬼门关前徘徊，阎王爷都不收帐。

算我命硬好了。

总是在克服一个又一个困难后，
才发现，其实事情也没有自己想得那么糟，
原来，大难临头前仍走头有路。
克服困难后，总觉得原来事情是那么容易的，
怎么当初自己却想一直无头苍蝇似的道出乱飞。

好了，解决一件事后，总是会有新的case。

又是另一番的努力，另一番的无畏，另一次对毅力的考验；
唯一不同的是面对的困难越来越复杂，处于的处境越来越危险。
还不是另一次在胸膛上刻个勇字，视死如归地冲上去。

偶尔会遇到那一些些挫折，那一些酿成惨祸的小差错；
不过它们却不会让人气馁，反而让人更加不甘愿。
心不甘，情不愿，在额头上刻个胜字，继续打拼。
有时会惨遭大败，不过让人在意的是那份永不言败的誓言，
那份坚持到底的精神。

面对过的人，处理过的事，成千上万了吧。
这些人、这些事，有的开导了我，有的帮助了我，有的改变了我。
他们让我看到人心险恶的一面，也让我看到人们纯朴的一面。
他们令我体验了至善，更帮助我了解了至恶。
所有的人，所有的事，他们令我成长。
在这段流水年华中，他们把青春变成流水，
使青春的纯、青春的朴、青春的善、青春的美，快速离我远去。

发黄的照片，似乎象征着生命中的那一个个里程碑；
照片发黄的日子中，我曾经遇见这个人，做过这件事，
体验过这件东西，感受过这份感情，解决过这个困境，
学习过这份技巧，领悟过这种心境，了解到这份道理。
而照片发黄告诉我们时间正往前走而不回头，
我的生命旅程，随时随地也不允许我回头、调头。

因为，前方仍存在不少的困难，
等着我去体验，等着我去解决，等着我从中领悟。
曾经解决过的困难，就如发黄的照片中的人物；
可能感受尤如画面依然存在，但是发黄的表面告诉我们，
一切都改变了，时过境迁，从前的困难不再困扰我们，
还有更棘手的问题等着我们去回答。

没办法，我只好往前走。
因为前面的未知，比过去的回忆更新鲜。

“梦与希望在飞，我向前去追；
有目标就不累，等着我超越。。。

远远抛开一切，过千山万水。”

奔驰。入伍。旅游。

2011-12-07T22:32:00.004+08:00

曾经看过一部电影，《阿拉伯的劳伦斯》 (Lawrence of Arabia)，
看到戏里的贝都因人，骑着骆驼在沙漠中奔驰。
所以，我一直盼望，总有一天能像那些沙漠豪杰一样，
骑着一头属于自己的骆驼，在无边无境的沙漠中狂野地奔驰。

曾经看过一部纪录片，叙述法国外籍兵团训练的过程；兵团的魅力和力量深深地将我吸引。
此后我对兵团的一切情有独钟，向往兵团内的多元化生活；
所以，我就誓言，毕业过后就会放弃一切，锻炼好身子，
手握一张one way ticket，到法国加入兵团，
与来自不同国家的英雄豪杰并肩作战，流血沙场。

我热爱历史，对于名胜古迹更是别有一番钟情。
我对德意志文化也有极大的兴趣；德国的军乐、德国的语言、德国的历史。
对于德国的古堡，相信不用我说，大家也知道它们的魅力何在。
所以，如果有机会，我要到欧洲去，特别是德国，
去看古堡、去游莱茵河、还有到Westerwald去看风景。

人生中，我们都许下了不少誓言，怀过了不少的希望，有过了不少的盼望；
换个角度去思考，有多少时候，我们能将这些幻想化为现实？
相信现实与理想的界限不仅限于此；
很多的东西，感情、成功、梦想等等，
都很难从理想的怀抱中，端上现实的舞台。
总需要那极大的力量，总需要那极大的勇气，总需要那极大的冒险。。。

还有很多很多其他的因素。

幻想，可能永远就是幻想。
现实，就是如此截然不同。
然而，两者就如一对爱互相顶嘴的情侣般，
你说初一，我说十五，你说对，我说错。
不过，不知应该高兴还是难过，
他们是相辅相成的，谁也离不开谁的身边；
有现实的存在，就有幻想的踪影。

也许，他们就如人生中的黑与白，
一直在帮我们协调生活中地一切吧。
有了它们，生活才能平衡，缺一不可。

当现实的长征累坏了你，幻想就是那遥遥长途中的驿站；
当幻想的拥抱让你神魂颠倒，现实的巴掌会让你立刻醒目。

理想、幻想、梦想。。。
那些不是现实的，让我在现实的烦闷中，寻获一丝光彩，
让我作为一种解脱、安慰、信念。
而现实的一切，冷酷、无情、黑暗。。。
那些真得假不了的，让我在寻找自我、追寻理想的过程中，
看清自己的前程，算清自己的步伐。

若有一天现实与理想交替，我们将如何适应呢？
是否会手舞足蹈，产生新的理想？
还是仍然活在那已成为过去的“现实”，
对周围的“理想”却不以为然呢？

光辉岁月

2011-11-28T20:27:00.015+08:00

光辉岁月；
一生不求任何东西，只愿有一番轰轰烈烈的事业。
人生不求长短，只需有意义。
盼望往后各位肉身成圣后，
都还能记得，我们一起度过的光辉岁月。

我的母语，我的根

2011-11-26T17:45:00.002+08:00

星期三晚上，闲来没事，
于是下了班后的我就摊在电视机前，
然后握着遥控器，不停地转换频道。
不知何时转到了淡米尔频道，
就在好奇之下观看听不懂的淡米尔节目。

从荧幕上的英文旁述发现这是一部有关社会的辩论节目，
观察下发现小盒子里的人在辩论一项淡米尔社群中的重大问题：
淡米尔语在狮城印度社群众的地位，青年人对于淡米尔语的掌握；
淡米尔的运用，和淡米尔语那令人担忧、每况愈下的水平。

节目上的嘉宾和主持都表示了自己的看法，
并且分析了淡米尔语在年轻一群中失去重要性的原因，
同时也对媒体和学校教导母语的角色表示不满；
节目中的博士和专家也分析了多元化社会、双语政策，
如何领导谈米尔语在新加坡印度人中走向衰落。

此外，嘉宾们也表示不同的相应对策，
如家长扮演的角色，与同族人相处时应用母语交流，
和媒体通过改善节目方式来让印度人掌握标准的淡米尔语。
博士和主持也同时强调，最终目的不是使所有印度人能够说谈米尔语，
而是要国内的淡米尔族群，尤其是年轻一群，
掌握好标准的淡米尔语，才能正确教导下一代。

看完节目后，我抱着许多问题进入梦乡；
华人社群所面对的问题，是否与我们的印度同胞大同小异？
而更对于一个嘉宾所表示的“媒体不应只推广母语运用，
而要让母语变得更标准”充满好奇和疑问，
时我不禁认同我的淡米尔同胞；
母语退化，的却令人担忧。

过了两天的太平日子后，又在报章上看到一则新闻：
观众投诉字母频道某个青年节目中的青少年们，
在与主持对话时和提出看法时使用了"broken Chinese";
语句不通、以英文词汇代替、腔调不准；
种种问题不仅让观众担忧时下年轻人的华语水平，
也让不少观众担心，年轻嘉宾们的华语水平，
会给许多年轻的观众一些不良影响。

原本坎少观看字母频道的本地节目的我（除了刘子绚之外），
向邻居借了个录影观看后，真的没骗人，水准低到让人吐血。
我自认自己的水品虽然也好不到哪里去，
不过节目中的青年对于自己的母语缺乏掌握，
他们的自在、不屑一顾，除了让人担忧这群年轻人外，
也让人对于我国母语发展的道路感到迷茫、恐慌。

真的，我们所面对的问题，的确与印族同胞大同小异。

撇开追究责任的部分，目前最重要的对策，
就是对于此不良现象提出相应的解决方案。
想必看倌们也心里有数，参杂English、 Bahasa Melayu的中文，
是双语政策的一项严重后果。
目前导向应是如此：如何能在保持双语政策地环境下，
加强年轻国人对于母语的运用和掌握，
同时提高国人的母语水准，让母语与行政语言挂钩，
是德国人能够在工作岗位和住家中轻松运用母语。

双语政策当时是要国人在生活中的不同场合运用英语；
相辅相成的，学习和掌握一项语言，
就是要多用、多说、多写、多交流。
在行政岗位上的需求让不少国人口操流利英语；
潜移默化下，国人也将英语搬回家中，
在工作、私人的时间内多以英语交流，
使得他们的母语能力大力退化。

目前相信所有的角色，
无论有关当局、执政者、校方、家长；
各角色的首要任务就是宽大母语的运用范围，
不要让母语只留在住家或是课室中。
许多国人，尤其是年轻一群的母语能力低弱，
是因为他们多数的时间都缺乏以母语来交流。

语文的首要本能就是作为人与人之间的交流工具；
当她失去了作为交流平台的价值时，她就会慢慢从人群中消失。

可惜，若真我们失去了自己的母语，
我们失去的，不仅是一项交流工具，
而是自己的文化、自己的本、自己的根。

对此，除了将母语留在课时和住家中，
母语应走向更重要的地位，扮演更重要的角色。
一个典型的例子就是让母语占据自己的私人空间；
私人活动，如聚会、交流、出外等应以母语为交流首选。
扩大母语的运用范围，会有效加强国人的母语运用能力。

校方在培养年轻国人掌握母语的角色上也属举足轻重。
英语虽为行政语言，但是校方应寻找或制造更多机会，
让年轻国人能有更多的机会接触自己的母语。
除了母语课、人品道德课、家政课、美术课、人文课等科目，
应以母语进行；尤其是传达自族文化的人文课，
更应以母语进行，让学生能够更了解自己的民族、自己的文化。
扩大母语为学习运用语言的范围，
能够让学生们在课堂上多接触母语，有效帮助年轻国人掌握母语。

然而最为首要的任务不只是在推广母语，
而是要训练过人口操流利的母语。
我相信在此媒体扮演最重要的角色；
国人每天都必须接触媒体，只要媒体运用正确、标准的母语，
就能在为建设一个标准母语的社会做出重大贡献。
媒体尤其对年轻国人影响深远；
若媒体节目的对话、对白都是半通水的母语，
那么年轻观众会在潜移默化下逐渐失去对于自己母语的掌握。

母语水平的退化虽是一项根深蒂固的问题，
不过只要正确地釜底抽薪，仍是有改善的余地。
在此，所有的角色都必须合作一致，
一起面对这令人担忧的问题，
才能在生活中地不同场合上，
给国人制造一个母语水平较高的环境。

对于年轻的国人，所有角色更应该加倍努力；
相信只要能够提高年轻人的母语水平，
那么在往后的日子内，母语水平逐渐回升的现象不是不可能的。

放榜

2011-11-24T18:35:00.002+08:00

今天小六成绩放榜，我如常上班；
上班的路上，看着有许多小六生往住家附近的小学走去。
此情此景，给了我一种deja vu的感觉；
似乎曾经有一段时期，我也走过他们走的路，
经历他们所经历的事，感受他们所感受到的。

啊，我想起来了。
四年前的这个时候，他们判我有罪，
把我推上了断头台，
从此断魂异乡。

四年前，我跟他们一样，
身穿校服，带着那紧张又兴奋的心情往学校走去。
走着走着，就走进了校门，踏入了礼堂。
到达时，礼堂已经人山人海；
有的学生与父母携手而来，有的则与好友三五成群同来共同进退。

终于，大家期盼的时刻来临了。
校长宣布了状元、榜眼、探花的名字；
都是一张张熟悉的脸孔。
再来就是表现优异的进士，还有大有进步的秀才。
最后，就轮到班主任把成绩分给各班的学生。

看着身边的熟人站在台上接受大家的掌声，
然后排在人龙前的同学拿到成绩后都露出了满意的笑容；
我想，自己的成绩也不会差到哪里，
没有三甲，没有进士，没有秀才，应该也有个举人吧。
拿个二四几，进一间较好的中学，
我以那种乐观的心情安慰自己，这是一定的。

终于轮到我了。
我站在班主任的面前，他缺少了往常的笑脸迎人，
取代而之的是一张严肃的面庞。
他以严肃的语气把成绩单慢慢交到我手中。
成绩单正面往下，根本看不到上面的内容。

"汤XX，二三八。”
还以为平常开朗乐观的班主任是在跟我开玩笑。
我半信半疑的拿起那成绩单，然后把它转过来。。。

顿时晴天霹雳，风雨交加；
感觉似乎有人从我背后，
用一把阿拉伯弯刀(scimitar)把我的首级取下。
又快又准，一瞬间就过去了；
可那一瞬间却痛得不得了,血花四溅；
首级在地上打滚，不过双眼的意识仍在。。。
慢慢的，就失去意识，失去视觉，然后闭上双眼。。。

接踵而来的，我不必多说；
下了阿鼻地狱，见了十殿阎罗；
牛头马面、七爷八爷就别说了，
肥球、黑熊、阿鸟、阿猪、大卫、小寒，
各种各样的狱卒，就够我受了。

四年慢慢过去，烈火也慢慢烧了四年，
没有烧出火眼金睛、铜头铁臂，
却烧坏了我的壮志、我的雄心、我的梦想、我的信念。
烧呀烧，从前的我不知烧到哪儿去；
今日的我，也不知是如何烧出来的。

我不敢回到母校，因为总觉得自己欠佳的表现对不住班主任；
回去，也是受那些平时成绩比我差、会考比我好的学生的笑话。
我也不想回去我的中学；好不容易从鬼门关逃出来，
那个神经正常的想要回去？
再说，在那里受气受了四年了，回去，
只会让自己联想起一些不愉快地回忆。

过些阵子，又是一年一度发成绩的时候了。
又要面对那前所已有的压力，克服那份紧张和兴奋。
这次，会有扭转乾坤的现象，还是。。。会历史重演？

我希望能够躲过又一次的审判，
逃离又一次的惩罚、避开又一次的苦难。
我要上天堂，不要下地狱。
我要堂堂正正做人，不是像在中华那边做狗。
我不要在一次失败，对不起父母、老师、和所有帮助过我的人。

我不要，真的不要。

我不要再有第二轮的四年，不想进入第二个中华，
不想再被火烧多一次，更不要再面对任何狱卒。
这四年所有的一切，我一份一毫也不要。

这次会如何，谁知晓？
无论如何，我不要在经历过去四年所经历的。
若是如此，那么我宁愿远赴法国做佣兵。
因为，在烧一次，我会死。

不，我已经死过一次了。

沉默的爆发力

2011-11-21T21:12:00.002+08:00

不知道大家是否听过欧文斯的故事。

欧文斯是一明非裔美国人，也是二十世纪最伟大的一名运动家之一。
他在战火来临之际的1936年代表美国到柏林参加奥运会，
并在四项田径项目中获得冠军荣衔。
在柏林举办的奥运会被当时的德国元首希特勒，即“希魔”，
视为“德意志民族向世界绽放本领的舞台”。
对于黑皮肤的欧文斯和其他的“非人类”，
希特勒更是采取一种看不起的态度。

欧文思并没有将一路上受到的种族歧视，
和纳粹党的种族主义放在心上；
在柏林收到不少欢迎和鼓励的他，
坚持作到自己的最好，表现出自己的最佳状态；
而他最后在短跑和跳远的项目获得冠军，
同时也创下了世界纪录。
希特勒对欧文斯的胜利堪称羞辱，
气愤得在欧文斯领奖时走出体育场，
原因是为了不要颁奖给一名黑人。

在希特勒大力宣传种族主义，
以华丽而堂皇的方式将奥运会打造为德意志民族的表演舞台，
并通过媒体和其他方式损落其他的民族；
与此同时，欧文斯以沉默的表现，
颠覆了希特勒的理论和思想，
更破灭了希特勒想把奥运会作为推销德国的梦想。

“当他人在喧哗中污辱你，你将在沉默中羞辱他。”
欧文斯的故事不仅是一个励志故事，
同时欧文斯在奥运会上的表现也说明了一个道理：
行动往往比言语更具有说服力。
欧文斯想要纠正希特勒的错误，他并没有与前者一样，
以言语损落他人不是；
欧文斯选择以行动来证明对方的错误，
同时也证明了自己的存在与价值。

欧文斯的例子不仅让我联想起身于芸芸众生的我们。
很多时候，我们常常都会碰到如此情况：
受到他人的厌恶，受到他人的误会，
让他人误以为我们的本质恶劣，让他人人为我们根本毫无价值，
更惨的是，受到他人看不起，同时自己也不受认同。
在身边的喧哗中，我们仿佛感觉自己的声音越来越渺小，
久而久之，就认为自己所说的不再受到他人聆听；
随之，我们也认为自己所做的，不再受到他人注意。

“当他人在喧哗中羞辱你，你将在沉默中羞辱他。”
自己从某些人手中受到的苦难，让自己在许多人面前下不了台；
与此同时，一位勇者将证明自己的价值、存在、本领。
不与他人争吵，而以平静柔软的态度面对；
不以尖酸刻薄的语言顶嘴，而以实在的行动去回答。
说说证明不了自己，做做才能告诉他人他们错了。
以行动证明，将给于自己最好的证据，
也是在沉默中，将说错话的人一次又一次地判了死刑。

很多时候，我们都想证明自己是对的，别人是错的；
证明他人对自己怀有误解，自己其实也并非他人想象的如此。
想、说，到底能证明自己那些东西？
未能改变他人看法的，唯有实实在在的行为。

然而，想要以行为纠正他人、证明自己也并非轻而易举之事。
要以实在的行为改变所有的看法，自己就要有实在的本事。
当我们想要以行为证明自己时，更是要说到做到，
才能够在沉默中羞辱对方，令对方闭嘴。
证明自己的本事并非从天而降，而是经历不少的训练而获得。
所以，一位勇者更要加倍努力，锻炼自己，才能证明自己的价值，
纠正他人的误解和错误。

一千张嘴抵不过一项实在的创举；
谣言诽谤是永远斗不过事实的。
唯有努力将自己所想的、所倡导的变成事实，
那才算是真正的创举，是证明自己的最佳方法。

重来

2011-11-20T14:47:00.002+08:00

如果生命可以重来，一切是否会截然不同？
如果一切可以再经历一次，是否会有不同的结局？
如果我们可以改变某些细节，感觉到的。。。还会是如此伤心吗？

如果一切可以重来，我想，我不会来到这里。
一切能够再来一次，我宁愿选择不会遇见你。
如果可以改变当初的那些细节，心里。。。就不会那么痛了。

宁愿一辈子与你擦肩而过，也不要为你而哭。
宁愿你从来都不认识我，也不要你那不顾一切的冷笑。
宁愿你我没有任何瓜葛，也不要现在的陌生态度。

可能你只把所有的一切当成是一个幼稚的玩笑；
在多年以后的今天，我只能说，我所感受的，始终未变。

所以，我讨厌你，我恨你。

一切可以重来，也许我会阻止一切的发生。
一切可以重来，那么我宁源只跟你打招呼，其他的免谈。
一切可以重来，那么。。。也许我就不必逃避自己，逃避现实。

你在逃避吗？逃避一个你讨厌的人，逃避事实的存在，
逃避你内心那拒绝的感觉。

我不知道，也不想知道。

可能，我只不过是剧中的一个笑柄。
也许，我根本就没有价值吧。
或者，我就是你身边路过的那千千万万路人之一。

只是朋友、把你当成朋友说得很好听；
你对每个人都如此吧。
路过的、一起玩闹过的，就是朋友。
所以，才会把我当朋友？
我不想知道。

一个人可以让另外一个人改变，
可以让另一个人有所感受，
这大概时我们都不知道的吧。
往往某位陌生人在我们的生命中根本就没有任何余地，
自己却不知道，我们在他们的生命中，一直扮演着举足轻重的角色。

你使我改变，你不知道；
你令我感受，你不知道；
你让我痛恨，你不知道；
你对我所有的影响，你无法想象。

哭归哭，恨归恨，仍然要感谢你。
因为，我从来未如此着迷、快乐、伤心、痛恨过。
你不知道，不过你给我的生命带来了不少变化。
你彻彻底底改变了我的一生，是他人无法做到的。

后来的日子，我只能停留在此。
没有其他的人，能有如此的影响。

一切结束后，我不想再见到你。
只愿，若你认为，我俩之间还存有一丝友谊，
那么就让所有的回忆停留在美好的时光中。
可能，我根本就没有任何的地位与价值，
所以，若你还记得我的存在，就让他随风而去吧。

一切结束了，我应该往前走；
可惜，我没有勇气，也没有力气走下去。

若能回到原点，我希望当初不要尝试去认识你，
不要与你交谈，更不要与你有任何关系与瓜葛。
也许如此，我的日子会好过一些。

是我想得太多，才让我自己无法自拔；
但是我要你明白，是你，让我想得太多。

所以，我们根本不知道自己对他人来说，
价值、地位、影响，会有多少。

而你却足足改变了我的一切。

但愿一切可以重来，让我不要再犯错，
也让你的日子好过些。

无题

2011-11-15T10:20:00.002+08:00

Like a lily I blossomed,
Like a lily I grew in the garden.
Years passed, I grew old.
Like a lily I withered and die.

仿佛这四年一切的经历，
就好像是一多处于池塘中的莲花的一生。
生命虽然短暂，还为含苞待放就已经枯萎了，
但是，这一切，就如莲花的生命一般，
多姿多彩，短暂而美丽。

我想自己就如处于池塘中的莲花一样。
虽然不如牡丹那样艳丽夺人，
但时我仍然有自己的风采，自己的魅力。
可能没有茉莉或是菊花的芬芳，
但是自己也别有一番独特的韵味。
与所有的荷叶、莲花一起飘浮于水面上，
给围观者的是一种总合力的美；
一种由千千万万朵莲花造成的美景，
有芸芸众生相辅相成给予的安然。

虽然只是画面的一小部分，
但是我仍然相信，自己，
是最盛开、最芬芳的。

也许自己就真的如莲花一般吧；
漂浮在池塘上，时时刻刻遭受涟漪的冲击。
多多涟漪让我无法安稳，更让我无法实实在在地扎根。
涟漪之外，还有强风，还有暴雨；
无情的强风刮走我的花瓣，使我凋零；
冷酷的暴雨豆大般地打在我身上，夺走了我的风采。
种种的打击和困难，让我觉得自己在池塘中仿佛变得十分渺小，
同时，它们也让我更了解自己处于的处境和地位。

虽然只是大自然的一小部分，
但是我仍然相信，自己，
是最坚强、最耀眼的。

可能，自己到底本来就是一朵莲花；
可能盛开的时间不是永恒的，可能耀眼的魅力只是短暂的。
也许我凋零后，剩下的就是那一个无字。
也许，我无法改变自己的命运；
生老病死，是我必须经历的。
含苞待放、盛开、凋零、枯萎，就是我生命的变奏曲。
我应该说，这就是花的一切、花的所有。
因此，我知道时间得紧凑、光阴的短暂。

虽然盛开的美景无法长存，
但是我仍然相信，自己，
盛开的魅力时永恒的。

可能这四年，就是莲花的一生；
犹如一场梦一般，却是如此的真实。
时我还未苏醒，还是真实就是如此梦幻？
莲花的美、莲花的洁，让我分不清真实。

当我的花瓣一片一片落下时，
总觉得此情此景有如落叶归根一样。
随着花瓣漂浮在水面上，
我了解到，从哪里开始，就得从哪里结束。
一切最终要回到原点，得到的可能只是一场空；

但是，
感受的，却是如此的丰富，如此的充实，
虽然依然处于同一个环境之内，
却让你有不同的体验，不同的领悟。

也许，我们都是一朵花。

9 Days After D-Day

2011-11-02T21:40:00.002+08:00

9 Days after D-Day.

时间过得真快，一转眼已经历了几乎一半的战役，
其中有的不费吹灰之力，有的让人惊恐万分，
有的看似胜利在握，有的却是损失惨重。
一路走来，“从诺曼底走到巴黎”，
历经大大小小众多苦难，也似乎已经习惯了这一切。

养兵千日，用于一时；
相同的，十年的寒窗苦，为了只是这一刻，
这拥有一切决定性的一刻，足以让人成王成寇的一刻。
想不到吧，所有的坚持、所有的努力、所有的准备，
只是为了那看似短暂又不存在的一刻。

在考场的走廊已经不知徘徊了多少回，
踏过考场的门槛也已经不知有多少次；
不过，每一次的徘徊、每一次的踏过，
都充满着那紧张、恐惧、害怕、担心的心情；
手持墨笔写千里、指翻书页破万卷，就是为了那一次的表现。
过去写过多少文章、读过多少本书，在此已无法以数量来计算；
唯一能够让人算得清、理得明的，就是自己在考场内的表现。

人生总是那么无奈，很多时候，
看似人生所有的一切就在那么一刻决定成败。
无论自己之前是多么的差、或者是多么的优秀，
最终让人在意的就只有成绩单上的数字。
它能让人见证奇迹，同时也能判人死刑；
有的时候总是让人觉得，人生的未知是如此的无奈，
让人在紧要关头是不知所措。

我并非一位长期埋头苦读的莘莘学子，
更不是一个才高八斗的达人；
不过身为学生的我，我在手握书卷时总会叮咛自己，
一定要复行身为学生的操守：
胜不骄、败不馁，学无止境，学以致用。
我想，学习最终的目标，就是要从中受惠，
明白知识的内涵，领悟智慧的精髓。
在学习的过程当中，省委学生的应该持有坚持不懈的精神，
对于自己不解的疑惑提出问题，并把学会的只是善用于生活中，
同时将领悟的道理、事理实践与人生内。

所以，对于一切学习的活动，
我在意的知是其中的过程；
学习的经历，面对的困难，得到的领悟，和与我随行的众多良师益友。
我想，学习就是一个过程；
学习最终得到的，不是在完成一本书或一项课目后所得到的奖励，
而是那一份过程，那充满喜怒哀乐的过程。
学习本身身为一个过程，最终的受惠就是过程的经历；
除此之外，一切多余的收获都是无关紧要的。

我想，古先圣贤所阐述的那“学习如逆水行舟，不进则退”，
其实就是要将学习表达为一种挑战自己、战胜自己的过程。
在逆浪之前猛力划舟，要战胜的不是大自然，而是自己，
是要以此表达自己的一种坚持不懈、发奋图强，
以此证明自己在挑战自己时的实力、耐力。
学习，何尝不知在向自己发一个战帖，
挑战自己的无知、挑战自己的疑惑、挑战自己的能耐？

在这项自我挑战的经历中，目的很明确：
战胜自己的限制、突破自己的重围，破茧而出，
并将得到的经历为挑战更高级限的须有条件。
解破一个艰难的数学题，在意的是那份解惑的喜悦，
何得到的经历，让自己更有能力面对更艰难的题目；
领悟一个深奥的物理原理，并将原理实践于生活中，
从以解释生活中众多东西背后运作的道理。
学习，就是要让人明白、让人了解、让人领悟。

过程，得到的就是过程中的喜怒哀乐，过程中的领悟；
相信所有读过书的人，都会不一而然地明白我的心境；
那份明白时的大彻大悟、那份战胜自我后的自豪感，
和那些在追寻知识的过程中遇见的良师益友。

既然学习最终只是为了过程，
为何将无中生有的结果来取代原有的过程的地位？
既然学习本应是一项充满喜悦和追寻自我的过程，
为何将它变成一个令人讨厌、厌倦的活动？
难道，白字黑子的甲乙丙丁就是一切，
而原有的领悟和理解都随风而去了吗？

究竟是世间误了学习背后的最终意义
还是读书人无法领悟学习过程中的感情的心境，
还是学习本应该就是一个以成绩为种的活动？

总是有那么多的无奈，令人苦恼，让人不知所措。

无论那甲乙丙丁的结果会是如何，
始终有一点我是非常明白的：

在这项艰难的过程中，我已经学会挑战和战胜自己，
并不断为自己设下更高、更远的目标，
让自己不断受惠，从而充实自己。

Eve

2011-10-23T19:55:00.002+08:00

I laid upon my armchair in anxiety,
and hope that surfing the net will help to ease that nervousness.
Scrolling through the page full of Chinese characters,
I wonder how long have it been ever since I posted something in English.
Largely due to the fact that my command of the English language is weak,
or that relating my thoughts and feelings in my native language is chosen in preference,
I seldom use proper English in my daily activities,
or at times I just try to refrain from using English at all.
Now, even typing English on the keyboard feels weird,
which makes me determined to do something about my standard of English.

Sadly to say, right up the next morning is D-Day;
maybe one of the last English papers to be seated for in my lifetime,
if I consider to enroll in a vocational-based course after secondary education.

The thought of the national papers being right next tomorrow not just only make me nervous;
more of sending a chilly feeling down your spine, I would say.
Somehow it just doesn't feels right-
while the other students are mugging the best out of all available resources,
I am sitting here, nonchalantly using the PC as if nothing is going to happen.

Maybe is the preparedness that resides in me since the start of the year.
Or is it the victorious results from previous exams that gave me too much confidence?
It might be the callous personality of mine that chose to hide from all adversities.
Perhaps it's just the lack of seriousness and effort in my work.

It lies not just only the first and biggest papers,
but subsequent subjects that lined themselves neatly in front of you-
D-Day bombings, I would refer them as,
with some days having more than one bomb raid taking place.
I would say that typing in English on the Eve would maybe assure me some performance in the hall tomorrow,
but the lack of practice, unfinished preparations and mental constipation shall be my biggest foes tomorrow.

As I flipped through all the model essays and notes issued by the school,
I began to reflect upon my 'career' as an amateur writer in this two years.
From then whereby I once stood almighty in comparison to everyone else-
my debate, my points, my explanation and my knowledge-
I grew full of my ability and lax upon all the fundamental practices,
thinking that I could sway along the examination halls just with this ability alone.
Indeed I had sat 'like a boss' for some of those papers,
and handed up assignments that return with a satisfied A-grade;
but certainly even the most fundamental ability will come to rust when not put into constant practice.

I flipped open the school's collection of model essays and realized one of my prized piece was printed in it.
Reading through the style of debate and explanation,
it is hard for me to believe that such work came out of my hands.
Really, I have 'de-proved' too much over the last two weeks;
not just in my command of language,
but my ability to solve even the simplest Math problem.

Even the most advanced civilisation will decline one day.
Similarly, no matter how capable one may be,
he who grew full of himself and his abilities shall be overtaken in due time.
Panicking over the unfinished preparation before D-Day,
I only have myself to blame: my laziness, my nonchalance, my callousness.
Indeed the last two weeks were the most crucial weeks of the whole saga;
it's events could shape things to turn out so drastically.

There again, after losing the sustained gambler's luck for two hard rounds,
this time I am really sitting in, opening my gates,
letting the enemies to raid my city at will.
To think that I've persevere running over four years,
and then the tiredness came in at the last lap.

No matter what that has been done,
the last weeks of salvation and remedy are gone.
In front of me stands rows of obstacles, ready to be conquer.
Coming to this point, no matter how much time I spent tying up loose ends,
it would be cowardice of myself if I were to give in at the last moment.
With unceasing perseverance and unflagging courage,
I shall walk on and deal with these final challenges, one on one, without fear-

So help me God.

诀别

2011-10-16T12:35:00.002+08:00

8 days to D-Day.
养兵四年，用于一时，
背水一战，一决胜负。
成败与否，全在此刻，
胜者为王，败者为寇。
一次失足，千年悔恨，
一次胜利，锦绣前程。
兵临门下，放手一搏，
只许成功，不许失败！
就此停笔，日后再谈。

梦一场

2011-10-15T08:06:00.003+08:00

昨晚并没多少心情，所以整晚只瘫在那边，
听听音乐，喝了几杯，然后看看书，心情较好些才做集几题数学。
其他的就别说了，昨天一整天都在回想四年以来的经历，
好好地回忆那些欢乐时光，好好地反省其中的过错。

想着想着就头痛了。
还记得昨天坐在礼堂内，那是我四年前来到此地的同一个礼堂；
入境在离别之时，也是在同一个礼堂，于在此遇见的众人走向不同的岔路。
心里不知该说是一种郁闷，还是感到一种解放。
也许，这短暂却看似漫长的旅途，其实并没留下哪些永恒的回忆。

就好像是一场梦，不是美梦，也不是噩梦；
就是一个好坏参半，让你醒来时连自己是谁也忘记的梦。

四年前那无知的少年，来到这里有着很多目标，
有很多憧憬，也带有乐观的看法。
因为小学老师说过中学是一个美好的地方，
是一个让你结交好友、情窦初开的地方，
会给你得人生留下很多美好的回忆。

然后呢？
总觉得身边的一切与老师所说的有着大大的不同。
形形色色的芸芸众生，让我在茫茫人海中看不见自己的影子，
就好像迷失了自己一样，或者也可以说，
让我置疑自己的存在、让我怀疑自己的生存。
一切的污言秽语，冲淡了我简单的思想；
所有的尔虞我诈，摸黑了我单纯的心灵。
那些无情的拒绝，让我明白很多时候事事并非绝对。
那些冷淡的答复，终于让我了解自己是不存在的。

从前那高傲、大胆、潇洒的青年往哪儿去了？
今天这沉默、自卑、垂头丧气的路人，又是哪而来的？

有很多很多的事，彻彻底底改变了我；
也许你们已不记得，还是你们想要刻意忘记，
我只想说，所有的点点滴滴，依然徘徊在我脑海里。
所有美好的、痛苦的、开心的、伤心的，始终存在我心中。

就好想从一场梦醒来一样，
一切看似好想没有发生，不过一转眼却过了一个晚上；
所有的记忆都是迷迷糊糊的，但是经历所留下的感受仍然新鲜。
好想在梦里过了一段很长的时间，最后才发现只是一个晚上，
所过去的时间，也只是人生的一小部分罢了。
一切极端的经历和心情，也大概只有出现在梦境中；
无言、模糊的结局，似乎已经慢慢从这长梦中苏醒过来。

不知应该庆幸，还是可惜，
所有的一切，它不是梦。

梦也好，事实也好；
就把它当成是从一场梦苏醒过来，
就把所有的经历、人物当成是梦境留下的痕迹。
醒来了，就该回到现实，去做自己平常做的事，
恢复以往的生活，继续过日子。

四年的长梦啊，醒来来时连自己是谁都忘了，
连原本的生活是如何的也忘了，
那么我将如何继续过日子？

毕业

2011-10-14T14:34:00.002+08:00

生命中唯一一次的中学毕业典礼，
应该，就只有这一次吧。
今天的心情也没有很大的起伏，
看到周围的同学面带笑容不时拍照留念，
总觉得自己的这份心情无法融入这个欢乐却略带悲伤的场面。

一切的演讲、致词之后，
全体中四生到操场上去拍一张大合照。
看见茫茫人海中，远处有个倩影慢慢靠近，
啊，是你，久违的你，好久没交流的你。
把一张卡片放入我手中，话也不多说几句就走开了。
里头的文字虽简单，却感受得到文字中带有的情境和心情。

大合照之后，学生们往校园的多个角落跑去；
不知是学校太小还是纯属巧合，
总是碰到你。
我招呼都不打一声，连睬你也不睬一下，
不是因为想要避开你还是不理你，
不过，就是没有那份勇气罢了。

走到哪里都遇见你，
似乎老天要给我最后一次的机会，
不要我再给自己留下哪些遗憾。
还在那里装冷漠干吗，见到人家还一副若无其事的样子。
好想塞自己两巴掌，又想保持那份他妈的铁汉的沉默，
真不知道自己到底是怎么想的。

算一下，共七次。
七个他妈的次呀！
知道你一只想向我示好，
自己却不知为何会有如此反应。

看见你走出校门，马上跑回课室拿了书包，
然后拼命地追，拼命地追，拼命地追。
想要在最后一天，说最后一声的对不起，说最后一声的谢谢，
不要给自己留下四年中最后的遗憾。
好不容易追到你，却一句话也说不出。
脑子顿时一片空白，内心丰富的感情也不知往哪里去了。
所以只好往前走，一直走到交通灯。

过马路时，你走在我的旁边，说了那最后一次的bye bye。
怎么不说再见，非要说bye bye？
说再见是因为相信彼此会再见面，
说bye bye是因为明白那刻就是离别之时。
那句道别，就好想意味着所有的回忆到此为止，
也好像意味着，我们从此在这岔路上分手。

如此，就成了自己一份永恒的遗憾。

也许，就应该积极一点，装酷干吗，又不是好想人家欠你几百万。

可能，如此无言的结局，就应该是这段友情的谢幕。

或者，你对朋友的定义太广泛，我无法认同。

也许，是我想得太多，其实我俩也不过是擦肩而过的路人罢了。

如果，有一次重来的机会，你是否愿意再次认同我为你的朋友？

可能，你在过马路的那一刻，就已经决定放弃这段友情。

也许，这就是结局吧？很难想象。

我不要多，我只要最后一次的机会，真的，最后一次的机会。

应该，你的热情，是属于众人的；所以才把我定义为朋友。

还是，你由始至终都是诚心诚意的？

不过，却已经到了曲终人散的时候了。

大家，可能都是你的朋友；我只不过是个过路的。

但愿，有朝一日，我依然能够挽回这份遗憾。

弥补一切的过失。

把四年的点点滴滴，那些字条卡片，随着过去的照片，
放入那个陈旧的铁盒中，让它永远沉寂在抽屉里。

让回忆成为往事，前面，是新的旅途的开始。

美丽的遗憾

2011-10-08T21:49:00.002+08:00

星期六的一个晚上，太阳才刚刚下山就已经带有一丝倦意。
拿着那份有点让人反胃的华文试卷步行到组屋底层，
坐在那凹凸不平的石椅上，把身体的重量靠向石桌，
黑笔刷刷的就开始写字了。
今夜天空没有星星闪烁，不过有着习习凉风；
路过的行人寥寥无几，唯有自身的黑影伴随自己。

写着写着，看到一篇有关遗憾的文章。
并没有哪些特别或突出的，只是内容非常耐人寻味。
叙述种种的遗憾，说明遗憾无可缺少，教导要细心品味遗憾。
详细内容我不多说，总而言之就是要我们品味遗憾，
因为遗憾是追求理想时留下的。

嗯，内容大概是这样吧。

把文章牵连至自己，觉得本身其实也不例外；
我的生命中，经历不少的事，接触不少的人，尝试不少的东西，
也因为如此，生命总是或多或少，也着那么一些些遗憾。
遗憾有分很多种吧，那些有关学业的，一些比较私人的，
还有那些根某些举动有关的，等等等等。

不过他们总有那么一个相同的地方：
回想的时候，总会让人摇头叹气，
不过偶尔也带有那一丝丝的回忆和怀念，
品尝那苦中带甘的味道。

遗憾，我本身应该很多吧。
效了那么多的犬马之劳仍升不了士官长，
说了那么多的解释仍挽回不了那遗失的兄弟情；
做了那么多的改变却无法改变他人对我的态度，
表了那么多的情意确无法让女孩子动心。

还有很多吧，不过我总把“后悔”和“遗憾”混为一谈；
“后悔”应该是指做了某件事让人感觉当时真不应该，
“遗憾”应该是指做了很多事，仍无法完成某种目标。

那么说的话，我的“后悔”比“遗憾”来得更多；
不过，我的遗憾却毫无悔意。

在2E3和4E2相处的时光短暂，还未真正了解同学们就得分开了，
很遗憾，不过却不后悔，因为就是那份共同度过的时光让彼此拥有共同的回忆。
学生军中生活坎坷，在付出最多的努力之后仍被忽略，
很遗憾，不过却不后悔，因为我在付出时挑战了自己的极限，更加了解自己。
交友中有那么多的误会，至今有的与我还彼此存有误解，
很遗憾，不过却不后悔，因为至少我们在彼此的生命中留下了脚印。
喜欢上一个不该喜欢得人，给人家带来不少麻烦，给自己添了不少烦恼，
无法有所发展，很遗憾，不过至死却毫无悔意，
因为那时成长岁月的一部分，是情窦初开的那一刻，
是自我了解的一期间，是明白事理的一机会。

也就是这些遗憾，它们的下场谱写了我的人生悲剧；
但却因为这些遗憾都有过程，让这部悲剧看了之后回味无穷，
发人深省，令人热泪盈眶。

苦苦的遗憾中，同时为过去增添了回甘的回忆；
一部青春的狂想曲，谱写了一个少年的骄傲宣言。
也许，他们只是遗憾，不值得让我一再回味；
但是，也因为我曾经做过、曾经付出、曾经尝试，
所以，这部狂想曲是没有“后悔”二字的身影。

人生若是一帆风顺，就没了努力奋斗的必要；
生命若是一场胜仗，有谁还愿意披甲上阵？
因为它不切实际，尝试了才有梦幻的感觉，
及时遗憾无穷，梦幻的感觉永不消失。

想过、看过、做过、尝过；
并不想一笑而过，因为他们不是过错，
很庆幸，在这段美好的时光中，
没有将他们错过。

遗憾陪伴我至老、至死；
遗憾的光芒，也随之永远闪烁，
提醒我，至少我曾经勇于尝试我想完成的东西，
无怨无悔，心满意足。

可能，人生本来就是一场遗憾，
也许，我们生来就是要留下不少的遗憾；
其实，是否如此也不重要，
至少我们在那些遗憾中，找到自我，对种种的情欲心领神会。
我不知道神明中还有那些遗憾必要留下，
但是我很清楚，人生不要留下悔意就行了。
至少，我们尝试过，我们拥抱过，我们用心体会过。

画了那最后的句号，我把文具都收拾好，
起身往月光的方向走去。
也许，人世间本来就充满遗憾，
而因为有了种种遗憾，我们才学会坚强，学会了解，学会领悟。

其实，看似恼人的一切，
只不过是那生命中美丽的遗憾。
可能我的经历，也不例外吧。

最后一天

2011-10-07T17:14:00.002+08:00

巴士在倾盆大雨中不断地向前行驶，
落在窗户上的雨点也模糊了窗外的风景。
我背着沉重的书包，坐在靠向窗户的座位，
尽管无法看清窗外的情景，
但是我依然目不转睛地注视窗外的一切。
风景如在操作中的胶卷不停地更换画面，
而我的心却听留在最后一天的经历中，
似乎无法唤回来。。。

最后一堂的华文课，真的，是最后一堂的华文课；
上了高中或理工学院之后就不再会有华文课了。
今天老师如同往常一样上课，手里握着同学们刚完成的题目，
为我们讲解自己犯下的错误和忽略的地方。
课室如往常一样平静，同学们也似乎看似如同平时一样沉闷，
不过自己今天却感觉有点不同，心情有点怪怪的。

“可能因为今天是最后一课吧。”
十年的华文教育，就在此时此刻谢幕了。

感觉同学们并没有那一丝的哀伤；
有的是对华文教育带来的压力即将消失的雀跃。
身后的过动儿今天话好像少了些，
除此之外，好想没有其他的变化。

“。。。所以，不要放弃学习。”
老师说了一大串的肺腑真言，
鼓励我们要再往后的日子切勿放弃华文教育，
并要多阅读，多写作，从中保持着对华文的兴趣。
老师申明所做的一切，都是在把自己的经验传授于大家，
并告诉大家，经验是生命中最好的老师，
而所有的经验就等着我们去累积。

今天的“起立，行礼”而外大声；
其他的课也并不例外。
老师们都把最后的教诲、最后的真言道出，
把握这最后的一刻，希望能够把想说的都说出。

最后一天，情绪也没有很大的起伏；
并没因为是解放之日，而手舞足蹈；
也并没因为是离别之日，而泪流满腮。
想想，生命中的他们，就在此与我分手，
留下的，只是那在时光隧道中不断回音的教诲。
还有，课室中的那些“左邻右舍”，
和在华文课串班的同学。。。

生命即将在此经历另一次的变化。

人往高处走，水往低处流，
人总要往更好的地方去发展，
才会有更美好的未来，更亮丽的憧憬。
之前当作是理所当然的人、事、物，
今天却变得而外的珍贵、似乎永远再也无法拥有一样。

那厌倦的华文课，那沉重乏味的功课，
那唠叨的教诲，那无止境的关心；
班上同学的喧哗，时常无法操作的投影机，
男孩子的笑话玩闹，女生那羞答答的笑声；
还有姜老师的“酸言冷语”，大卫的冷笑话，
CJ的怪胎态度，众部下的无理取闹，
王司令的耐心教导，小寒的倩影，
和尤金一起度过的休息时段。。。

种种画面似乎扎根在窗外的风景中，
而我乘坐的巴士却马不停蹄地向未来驶去。
尽管如此，我的心却停留在那些画面中，
离我的躯壳越来越远。。。。

我自认是一个不轻易掉泪的人，
此时此刻，当然也不例外。
只是这诀别给心里带来一种怪怪的感觉，
那种哀愁、那种悲情，让人想哭，
却欲哭无泪。

以前一直盼望着这一天的来临，
却在等待的过程之中，发现自己已经熟悉于这一切，
生活也演变成围绕在这一切旁边。
而当自己想要撇清一切关系时，才发现，这种情牵，
是剪不断，理还乱的。

巴士到站了，外头的雨还未停息。
挂着大风，下着大雨，我在巴士站里等待雨停。
也许，某天外头挂大风下大雨时，
我们会在同一个避雨处，再次邂逅彼此。

我在前进的过程中，继续等待。

最后的感恩

2011-10-06T18:11:00.003+08:00

今天是星期四，窗外下着倾盆大雨，
外头寒冷的天气正符合我的心境；
原本那一丝丝的愁闷已让人身心烦躁，
豆大的雨点让我更是哀伤。

今天是四年中学生崖的最后第二天，
也是许多科目的“最后一课”。
身为班长的我，平时在数学课上不大爱喊那句“起立，行礼”，
不过今天却慎重地把这四个字说出，
以学生的身份给数学老师鞠了最后的一躬。

中学生崖即将到一段落，心里顿时感到一种解放和自由，
同时也带有一点伤感和不舍。

回顾过去，这四年的确一百八十度改变了我的人生。
从一个懵懂青年，四年的苦日子把我磨练成身心强壮的铁汉子。
种种的经历和事故，教会了我不少的道理，
让我明白了不少的人情世故，也令我看透了不少人生真理。
遇到那形形种种，不同性格的人，有的只是生命中的过客，
有的是一生的患难之交，有的是万众挑一的红颜知己，
有的，却在短站的中学回忆中留下了不少遗憾。

遇见那么多人，其中有的不少对我做出重大的影响，
教会我不少的道理，让我渐渐成熟、长大。
铁汉大卫教会我要以真心待人，
沉默的尤金让我明白随波逐流的道理；
魅力四射的小寒向我传达向梦想不停前进的鼓励，
而幼稚开朗的伟老弟则教我要乐观面对生活困境。

我认识的人并不多，不过却有机会结交不少兄弟，
成为我四年的患难之交、金兰结义。
CK性格的刚强、内心的柔软另我俩惺惺相惜，
成为志同道合的八拜之交；
副官CJ与我共同进退，同处水深火热，
从患难中见真情。
众下属对我的忠心耿耿、在所不辞令我感到庆幸，
让我深深感动，情牵军中。

也有不少的老师给我做出了榜样，
而有些则让我明白一些人情世故。
敬业乐业的谭老师教我要认真对待工作，
苦口婆心的姜老师教我要付出自己的百分之百，
而幽默逗趣的洪老师则给了我不少的精神支持。
然而，其中也有所谓的异类之众；
肥球叔的偏心让我明白手握大权时要大公无私，
熊哥的无礼则让我了解做人要顾及情面，
给人台阶下，不要刻意刁难他人。

有很多很多的领悟，一时之间无法全都系数出来；
不过此时此刻，我却以一颗感恩、包容的心，
去感谢，接受，领悟这四年中的一切。
并非每一位遇到的都是善男信女，
并非每一件事都一帆风顺。
有时遇人不淑，偶尔浪大沉船；
四年中所遇到的人，所经历的事，虽并非让人依依不舍，
但是这番成长的过程是往后值得回忆的一份过去。

我并非情牵母校，但是母校实实在在改变了我，
把我推向世界的尖端，领我踏入智慧的门槛。
其中的人，有的是悲剧角色；其中的事，不少是一场悲剧。
无论如何，母校一切的经历，是好是坏，都让我成长、成熟。

还有数不尽的恩情要答谢，还有无尽的情绪要释放；
不过，日子虽苦、过程虽艰难、代价虽慎重，
但是，能够从中明白自己，了解自己，改变自己，一切都是值得的。
我看着他人改变，他人见证我的成长，
我们都在彼此的生活中，留下了一双除不去的脚印。
无论未来的日子如何，无论往后将遇到哪些人，
请您切记，生命中曾经有着某人的出现，给自己留下了值得怀念的回忆。

曾经一起渡过的岁月，是一份共同拥有的回忆，
曾经一起经历的事情，是一份共同分享的情谊。
在一起的日子，留下的是阴影还是阳光，
请您切记，可能大家都曾经一起度过某段美好时光，
都曾经给彼此带来欢乐。

我无法扎根母校，但是确认为母校有着一种独特的味道；
那种味道，就叫做人情味。
我以感恩的心情体会大家一切的表达，
再次向各位承诺，我永远无法忘记这一段彼此陪伴的旅程。
感谢大家，所有心意汤某心领了！
希望数十年后，大家都还记得这四年，都还记得汤某，
都还记得彼此陪伴走过的岁月。

再次特别感谢兄弟CK和CJ，和4E2的三人帮；
同时也要感恩学生军C小队，和我们德高望重的王司令。
特别感谢坐在我旁边的同窗bumble bee每天聆听我的废话，
和那个过动儿小寒让我领悟不少为人处事的态度。

明天是最后一天，我们即将离别；
但愿在生命的下一个转角处，
能够再次看见各位的身影。

后记II

2011-10-04T18:30:00.002+08:00

光阴似箭，一转眼又来到了另一次预考的结束，
即将面临的就是那具有决定性的大考了。
在这期间似乎忘了自己还有一个部落各，还有一片属于自己的天空，
不过这碧云天看似已渐渐暗淡，失去原有的宽阔；
从前的那份潇洒和开朗，也随风而去了。

总结第二期预考的成绩，结果还是相当满意的；
但是战绩越是优越，心里的那份压力也更加逼人，
同时那份身为学子的使命感也占据了更多的位子。
眼看那些让人自满的数字，
我更是要提醒自己，满招损，谦受益；
人外有人，天外有天，两次的胜仗并非永久的胜利。

我不禁回忆起四年前的这个时候；
那时正是小六会考期间，周边的友人都在埋头苦读，
唯有自己骄傲自满，太过高估自己，
才酿成日后的种种灾祸，遗害无穷。
四年前那三个不显眼的数字给了我沉重的一击，
改变了我的一生，不仅令我这四年走了条荆棘密布的斜路，
更是给我留下了无尽的懊悔和愤怒。

近日大敌当前，兵临门下；
掐指算算离会考也没多少时间，
以此自己更是要加倍努力，换取一次赎身的机会。
四年那不如人的日子虽然锻炼了自己的意志，束缚了自己的脾气，
不过这种不见天日的苦日子也该倒一段落了。

四年前未踏上的旅程，不知风景有何变化；
直至来到了另一个岔路，就不能重蹈覆辙，再走歪路。

前一阵子发生了一件事也增加了心里的愤怒，
同时再次明确了那份使命感。
一位外地来的同窗因为在课堂上答错问题给老师笑了一下，
然后就情不自禁地哭了起来，让人感觉她十分委屈，为她不值。
另一位土生土长的友人然后像我透露了一些琐事，
叙述这位外地来得精英经常引为测验考试达不到满分的标准，
而轻易落泪，自觉微小、不足。

听了这番叙述的我大为纳闷，同时也感到一份惊恐。
如此认真，如此积极，如此上进的人才，
得确对我日后的生存造成一种威胁。
岛国生孕率持续下降，再加上华族人数不断减少，
引进来自黄种人地区的人才是无可厚非的。

我是土生华人，虽然口无半句巫语，
但是也很清楚，自己是属于那里的，自己的肝胆是照向那里的。
其他国人是否有相等思绪，我并不知道；
但是在每日国旗飘扬、国音绕梁的场合下成长，
我早已视所有国人为一体，黄皮肤或蓝眼睛，已不显得重要。

近日外来人持续增加，为我国多元种族文化增添新特色；
与此同时，新移民仍扎根于祖国，防碍国民视各自为一体。

我自幼就希望，有朝一日，我国再无分华人、印度人、中国人、还是台湾人；
我希望有一天每个国人，当问其身份是，都能骄傲回答一句“新加坡人”。

这份梦想，不仅需要无限的努力，更需要崇高的地位，
以领导群众，迈向统一。
于此，这趟旅途，就从读书开始。

后记

2011-09-11T12:22:00.002+08:00

已忘了不知是从何时开始，
自己似乎已经放弃了写作的这份热诚。
忘了不知当时是热潮退了，还是觉得写作已不存有意义，还是哪些其他的原因，
所以就把部落格“永久性”地关闭了，把心思放在其他东西上。
这么一晃，不知去了多少光阴，不知过了多少日子；
自己只知道，屋里在这些日子中少了键盘那份滴滴答答的声音，感觉有些不习惯。

九月假期即将到一个段落，这也意味着明天就是新学期的开始。
开学弟一件事就是那看似难关重重的二期预考，
不仅让人感到厌倦，想逃避现实。
令人感到讽刺的，就是在自己似乎已经放弃写作这份热诚时，
二期预考的第一关就是分写作试卷。

昔日若给我个题目，要我写篇文章，我不骗你，
那份文章的内涵、深度可用滔滔江水连绵不绝来形容。
今日若是给我个课题，要我分析原因，利弊，提出建议。。。
嘻嘻，可能东凑西凑可完成分文章吧。

已经退潮的热诚，和对于考试的那份恐惧，
似乎把我和“高处不胜寒”这句话联系起来。
想起数月前的我，当时仍然文采飞扬，其文章赢得大家的赞同和认可；
加上一期预考成绩优异，那份感觉虽然不足一把自己置身于九霄云外，
不过却把自己放置于高他人一登的地位。
所以，自己受到那时的运气的鼓励，下定决心发奋图强，在接下来的考试中取得优越成绩。
心思渐渐转移到学术身上，对于当时这份“看似无人欣赏”的本能，就暂搁一旁。

数月过去了，那份“发奋图强”似乎退了潮；
需要用到本能时，它似乎已成了一种高难度的挑战。

迎以为傲的写作能力就在光阴的蹉跎下消失了，
而那份对于学术的信心与把握，在另一次考试的来临前也蒸发了。
留下的，只是一份遗憾，一份惊慌，一份惋惜。

在为明日的写作考试作准备时，我把放在橱柜里堆灰尘的那些作业拿出来了。
那些议论文、报章读后感、说明文，以及各类打打小小公函私函，
上面是一划又一画满意的打勾，评语也流露出老师的一份敬佩和惊叹。
仔细阅读，内容深奥、语言流畅，于近日写出的那堆垃圾相比，
真是难以令人相信那些范文是出自于自己手中的。
从昔日的感情流露、对于世事的了解，到今日的那不知是哪个星球来的垃圾。。。
这让我不禁反问自己，自己到底怎么了？

从前的文采飞扬，只给今日的自己留下了一份永久的遗憾。

从中我似乎意识到某种道理：依靠某种本能生存时，它就会成为熟能，
所以自然而然地就会生巧，变成一项看似完美、毫无瑕疵的能力。
也就是因为这份本能熟能生巧，才会让拥有者将本能迎以为傲。
当这份本能以深入拥有者的体躯时，拥有者会把它当成是理所当然的。
渐渐地，因为它已经是“理所当然”的，所以久而久之它不回受到珍惜和运用。。。
本能再也不回生巧，然后因为减少运用而不在是一份熟能；
最终，可能因为拥有者不再以本能赖以生存，
本能就会从拥有者的身上消逝。

写作这份本能，因为没有受到相对的应用，不再以此赖以生存，
所以，这份能力也会在所谓的“进化过程”从自己的身上消失。

这一过程也让我明白一份基本的道理：所有的事并不是永恒的。
光辉的岁月，并非因为人在而持续，而是因为它仍有能力与空间受到发挥，它才会持续。
使自己从拾信心与尊严的日子会持续，是因为让自己拥有尊严与信心的理由仍存在着；
当这个理已成为往事，日子也将有所改变。
这所谓的“骨牌效应”说明这世间上的人、事、物都互相关联，
各自随扮演着自己独立于不同的角色，在总体上却身连于一体。
若一方面受到影响，就会产生骨牌效应，其他的角色也会受到牵连；
若受到影响的是赖以生存的本能，那么基础即将受损，
产生影响重大的“蝴蝶效应”。

一时大意吧，我只能如此解释。

不过，长年累月下产生的本能受损，自己只能在一次的光阴变化下，
从拾这份本能，再次培养起这份对于写作的热诚。
俗话说，错过了流星，就不要错过太阳；
与其为失去的本能痛哭流涕，不如专心于手上的责任，
不要导致再一次的遗憾。

活着

2011-08-28T17:26:00.002+08:00

“我们无法活得像阿甘一样，但是我们要像阿甘一样活着。”

一晃就已过了数个星期，回想当初沉浸在预考一的光环中，
近日却离预考二越来越近了；
比起上一次的预考，这次的准备工夫来得较少，
同时也少了份冲劲，少了份努力，少了个目标。
不知为何，自己比起当时少了一份认真，也少了一颗专心。

看着上次成绩平平的人迎头赶上，自己却无所行动，
那种感觉就好想打下了江山不久，自己得城门又被攻破，
大位还没坐稳就给人家赶下来。。。
那种在乎、紧张和害怕，与随性、干脆和自信互相冲突，
让我两头不着岸，好想又要重重在跌一次。

又能奈何，唯有尽力而为。

自己在K书的一晚让brother把我的思绪给打断了，
突然心血来潮向我寻问些好看的励志电影。
自记的立即反应就是说出“阿甘正传”四个字，
所以当晚就把沉闷的书本搁一边，
与brother一起重温这部感人的电影。

情节方面我就废话少说，
各位看管若感兴趣可各自观看。
其实就是说主人公阿甘如何从一个双腿残缺弱智孩童，
凭着自己的乐观和努力进入大学并成为短跑健将，
然后参与越战并荣获勋章；
退伍后成为闻名世界的乒乓高手，
最后成立自己的捕虾公司，成为千万富翁，
并合爱人共结连理。

阿甘平凡但励志的事迹让人眼前一亮；
不过更令我感到不可思议的是阿甘的那份乐观，
在大难之前仍持着那种懵懂；
阿甘以平常心看待世事，以一颗宽容的心去包容一切的欠缺。
更振奋人心的是，阿甘在面临人生低潮时，
仍坚强度过，勇敢向前。
他之所以能够克服自己先天的不足，
开辟后天的成功，是因为他相信自己并乐观活着。

苦读十年圣贤书，眼看身边的人各有所成，
有的琴棋书画样样精通，有的平这一身本领喜获伯乐青睐；
有的金榜题名成名在握，有的以自己的领导能力获得众人的服从。
又把视线放在自己身上，发现自己不但成绩平平，长相庸俗；
万一哪一天无法升学，却又没任何一技之长能够糊口讨吃。

生活中得中中欠缺，不足以让自己气馁；
然而始终是那种种委屈和不平，让人感到意冷。

气馁归气馁，意冷归意冷，
大风大浪使过，心却不灰。

面对自己的欠缺，相信自己能够以勤劳补替笨拙；
无论再如何地欠缺，相信自己的努力、自己的劳动能够发掘自己的价值。
对于生活的不平待遇，除了一笑而过，还能如何？
哭归哭，笑归笑，时间照样不等人。
唯有拍拍身上的尘土，擦擦眼角的泪水，爬起来再奋斗。

路，是用脚走出来的，条条大路，往北往南，仍通罗马。
人生路，并非一条死路；如何走、走去哪儿、走多远，在于走路的你。
一条路，要加快步伐到达目的，还是要放慢步伐观赏风景，也是在于你。
别人走得多快、走到哪里、走得多远、走得轻松，我们无需比较；
脚下的路，是自己的路，如何走、走到哪儿，由不得别人来评价。

但是可要切记，这不是一条回头路，走了一步，就的继续往前走；
无论是庆幸、还是后悔，仍然要保持微笑，坚强面对。
因为，时间可是不等人的！

阿甘的成就，让人羡慕；
阿甘的故事，让人回味。
其实我们心里有数，在茫茫人海里我们是如此的渺小，
是否能够有向阿甘的一番成就，各位心里有数。
的确，可能我们以辈子要生计平平，安安静静地度过；
但是简单乏味的人生，仍可度得自在，过的逍遥。
一切的评价，在与自己如何看待生活，如何分辨成功和失败；
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds.

也许，我们无法活得像阿甘一样，但是我们要想阿甘一样活着。
只有活着，生命才能延续。

这是本网页最后的文章，感谢各位一直以来的支持和关照；
愿大家在充满未知数的未来，能够像阿甘一样，活着。

母亲的话1

2011-08-11T21:56:00.002+08:00

十年河东转河西，莫笑穷人穿破衣。

母亲无疑是人生老将，同时也身为人生“老姜”；
经历数十年风波的母亲，见过不少的大风大浪，
不过凭着她坚韧的毅力，风雨无阻地走到今日。
置身过任何场面的母亲，常常以一句话来概括人生的反复无常：
十年河东转河西，莫笑穷人穿破衣。

尼罗河贵为世界第一河，滔滔河水连绵不绝直讨地中海，
不过历经数万年的气候与地理变化，
河水终有一天会逆流，从地中海流向非洲大陆。
同样地，母亲以此坚持着一个道理：
人生好时歹时轮流转，里面藏有无数变化，
若你今日贵为天之骄子，
终有一日会沦为丧家之犬。

就因为人生变化无常，世事不在预料之中；
因此，我们对于自己的言行举止更是要细心注意，
因为自己现在所说的话，所做的事，一定会影响处于未来的自己。

以此，母亲常常劝我为人处事要依附中庸之道，
也把一句“做人留一线，他日好相见”来劝导我，
对于他人一定要彬彬有礼，来者不拒；
因为自己不知何事需要到他人的鼎力相助。

对此，母亲说，为人处事不必去刻意讨好人家，
但也无需与他人为敌；
更避忌的是得罪权贵，影响自己的生死存亡。
所以，母亲也教我要随波俱流、逆来顺受。

自己对于充满未知数的未来毫无知解，
更无法了解到周围的人对自己在未来有何影响；
谁会知道，从前的狗奴才在不久的以后，
会成为自己的上司？
曾经看衰的倒霉寒酸鬼，
日后会是自己的债主？

真的，人生充满未知和变化，可真是十年河东转河西啊。

我常常尝试把母亲的话实践于自己的生活琐事当中；
对于需要帮忙的人，在自己的能力范围之内量力相助；
对于他人的冷嘲热讽，也只是一笑而过；
对于同窗的滴水之恩，誓言以泉水相报。
说话时，无必去唱衰他人；
行事时，更是要考虑到大家的利益。

知益行难，滔滔雄辩大家可说个口沫横飞，
但是把其中一句实践与生活无疑看似比登天还难。
尽管自己无法能够完全实践母亲的教导，
但是我们仍然能在生活中的各个角落，
看见“十年河东转河西”的道理；
老师旧时的坏学生成了自己今日的主任，
自己向从前成绩平平的同学虚心请教，
从前看衰的小胖子成了今日的大帅哥，
当年不务正业的边缘少男成了考场上的佼佼者。。。

人生的未知与变化，让我们不得不对自己的言行举止三思。

做人留一线，他日好想见；
留着今日的交情在，可能套取明日的人情债。
今日无狼你偏喊狼来了，来日狼真的来了，
也没有人会理会你得呐喊！

以笑容面对生活琐事，以礼貌对待芸芸众生；
谁知啊，你以后可要靠身旁的混小子吃饭呢！
人生的变化无常我们无法及时反应；
最佳的反范无疑是在变化未发生前，先做好准备。
如何做好准备？以包容的心去对待生活的每件事、每个人；
当自己有难时，他人也会以包容之心来相助。

河会逆流，世事难料；
积极、友善地面对一切，
就能使自己在变化无常的人生之中，
依旧纯朴，依旧坚强。

关灯的人

2011-08-06T20:19:00.002+08:00

在这间学校度过了四年的光阴，
对于学校的“管家”--学生领袖的看法一直没有改变。
对于我们这些生性好玩、放任不羁的学生而言，
学生领袖无疑我们校园生涯中的麻烦，是眼中钉。
总觉得他们总在不对的时候做错误的事情，
给大家惹来一身骚。

第一次看见你的时候，也以同样的眼光来打断你。

那一天是你当见习学生领袖的第一天吧，总会不了解某些“规矩”；
一走进课室，就把灯都给关上了，催足我们到操场升旗礼去。
我们这些中四生都喜欢在早晨把未完成的作业“赶一赶”，
赶着在升旗礼之前把作业交给老师。
对于你突然走进来关灯的举动，自然感到有些不耐烦。
然后看着你站在门口，以严肃的表情横扫课室里的同学，
更是感到有一点不是滋味了。

“没关系啦，新来的，还不懂规矩。”
同桌大卫常走在校规的边崖，对于学生领袖的举动，
也当成是司空见惯了。

从那天起，对你就没有一丝好印象；
就是拿着那种stereotype来断定你的为人。

此后的半年，你风雨不改，
每天七点十五分准时到课室门口“报到”；
关灯，关门，赶人。

不过，随着每一天的过去，也发缺你改变了以往的处事态度，
七点十五分到课室时，并没有像以往一样，
一下子把所有的灯都给关上了。

你先是把电风扇都给关了，然后把第一排的灯关上；
过了一会儿，在把第二排的灯关上，然后是第三排、第四排。。。
不过，你只有在所有人都离开课室时，把功课作完时，才把最后一排的灯关上。
那，可真是何等的关心和体贴啊。

对于中四生傲慢的态度、中四生缓慢的举动，
你总是以一种耐心、包容的态度去面对、去接受；
我们大摇大摆慢慢走出课室，你也不动声色，闷不吭声，
不在意我们影响你的责任、拖延你的工作，
只是静静的站在门口，耐心地等着我们走出课室。

对于我们这些学长，你也可真是何等耐心。

不过唯一不变的就是你的表情；
无论何时，关灯还是关门，你总是一脸严肃，
脸上丝毫没有半分表情。
不知道是该说你敬业，还是说你对面对我们感到纳闷、无聊。

从此，对于你的看法也改变了不少。
总觉得身为学长的我，思想也应该成熟一点，
对于你这位小自己三岁的学妹合作一些，
不要大摇大摆走出课室，防碍你执行自己身为学生领袖的责任。
所以，自己也学会为人着想；
你一进来课室，就自觉地走出去。

虽然与你没有任何交流，不过随着每一天的过去，
你也慢慢成为了我生活中的一部分。

仔细考量你，又觉得你那表情不是严肃，而是一种气质。
一种。。。一种斯文的气质吧。
不只觉得你长得高挑，你也有一张典型读书人的样子，
那种沉默，是你的文静；那种严肃，是你的镇定。
似乎觉得你是那种以温柔的态度去处事的人，
对于任何情况，总是那种倘然和耐心。

每当来到测验时期时，你站在门口的时候，
手中也一定捧着课本或笔记。
你有时会仔细揣摩着课本中的文字，似乎已身入课本的内容中；
有时则会深锁眉头，对那些不明白的学问一再打量。
看见你那种表情，自己心中对你也多了一份敬意；
对你的认真感到佩服，难怪，你生为学生领袖总是尽忠职守。

给我的印象、感觉，只能用温文儒雅来形容。
那种态度，那种气质，很难相信是出自于一个十三岁的女生。

不过，一直以来对你怀着一个问题：
你总是那么严肃，一副认真的表情的吗？
从未见过你微笑，那副表情似乎永远不变。

直到那天走出课室时，与你的上司（即我在学生军中的部下）闲聊时，
才对这个问题有了解答。

“哇，笔记啊？今天又考哪一科了？”
“化学；今天测验acids, salts and bases。”
“哇又够劲哦，不过没有她的文学课本那么凶。”
指着你的课本说了这句话，看见你被取悦了，
顿时嘴角往上翘。

原来你笑起来，还挺可爱的嘛。
所以嘛，以后要多一点微笑，少一点严肃。

令人错愕的，是你在我的课室进进出出半年了，
我却不知道你的姓名。
不过，就算不知道你的姓名，
你的严肃、你的耐心、你的认真、你的体贴、你的微笑，
你的倩影，也足以留给我深刻的印象。

心里的感受，不知是一种敬佩，
也是一种欣赏。

Self-Reflection

2011-07-29T18:41:00.002+08:00

I guess it's been some time since the previous time I'm here;
likewise, I wondered once again,
how many of those patronizers would actually visit this blog at this point of time?
Well, despite the fact that statistics shows a declining rate of visitors,
I believe that there's still people out there who appreciates my words and prose.

It's been some weeks since the previous preliminary exams;
again, as we move away from one climax to another one,
we entered a stage of dormancy and things starts to get a little eased.
At this point of time, I believe that many would revert to their 'old patterns',
of playing, enjoying and laughing all day long with their friends and mates;
while the much more observant ones would use this dormant period to pace themselves,
so that they could gradually move towards excellence in academics,
fulfilling the responsibilities of a student.

Like many, I try to make full use of the minutes and seconds;
everything, from work to play, has to be generally productive,
if not helpful to my aspects.
So, while I become a workaholic on one end and tackle my inadequacy in academics,
I knew well of when to let loose and relax.

Again for every action or task we fulfill,
there must be a reason or purpose for it.
Despite the fact that I lack reasons for the involvement in my work,
I believe that life still has to be productive on the overall.
Sticking to this mindset, I put in the utmost effort to make the best out of everything,
hoping that the time is never wasted and is spent at least on doing something meaningful.
Maybe for the time being that will stay as my reasons, perhaps.

I noticed the trend of BGRs in my school,
particularly my class and people around me.
One by one, those alte Kameraden 'left' me,
much for the fact that every relationship needs the investment of time and effort.
So on one hand you forge trust with your soulmate,
on the other hand you might not realize that you are eroding that old bond of yours.

In general I observed that teens do better in their everything when they get into a relationship, especially in my school-
maybe much due to the fact of good mood and motivation brought by the relationship;
the girl or boy also stands as a perfect reason for you to strive for excellence,
so that this relationship would be built upon a better and stronger foundation.

I have to admit that at times I am pretty much disturbed,
and disgusted at all the lovely-dovely between these teens;
yet on the other hand I am astonished by the effect that love brought upon them.
With this powerful reason, some boosted their position to some top 20s;
and others became more hardworking and interested in knowledge.

I would often put myself in comparison with these people,
especially my close mates whom many are in a relationship;
often I would ask myself,
"Look. They have a purpose in life. What's yours?"

Being much of a social outcast of a different personality,
relationships and friendships had never been a priority in my teenage years.
I firmly believe in the old saying of "Prime of Life"-
the days whereby we feel, think, and look young are the best days of life.
Certainly this is the one and only period of prime in life;
never would you really reached another period,
where you feel young physically and mentally.

At this point of time when we are the most naive,
the most energetic and enthusiastic,
we would put in the utmost effort whenever we set our eyes on something.
I would refer that as the bashfulness and rashness of a youth;
some kind of straight thinking and decisive actions that solely come from the youth.

If these are to be the days where we lay our foundations,
then we got to set our priorities right and lay a solid foundation.

Hence, after much thinking previously,
I had come to understand something:
For most of the time in life, you only have one chance.
That includes your youth.
If we were to spent our youth dwelling over games and play,
relationships, that bitter-sweet puppy love...
Then I believe that the same bashfulness of youth that made us happy,
would make us sad and regretful in time to come when we reach old age.

Over here, I am not trying to discourage people from getting into a BGR;
though I do not believe that the magics of love would work on me,
I still believe in the existence of love that would overcome all obstacles.
However, we have to be clear about what we are doing-
we got to set priorities about our life.
We have to understand what is beneficial, and what is not.

The short period of enjoyment now may be soothing to the mind,
but yet the consequences are long term.
We live only once; likewise youth only applies to all of us once.
Hence, it is important for us to spend the time of teenage in appropriate areas and manner.

Maybe it is because of this mindset; the mindset of being productive,
making things meaning, that really get me to sit down and do what I should be doing.

In time to come, I hope to see the fruits of my labour;
yet when the reality doesn't corresponds with my wishes,
I could only say that my conscience is clear-
I spent the time that never returns in a wise manner.

Legacy 2

2011-07-24T09:48:00.002+08:00

无意之间在Facebook看到了我校学生军新任排长（我亲点的）写的一些东西，
其中包括一句他对于昔日在我管辖之下的军训日子的status update，
表示了他对往事的怀念和向往。
这让我想起了当年“三英力挫士官长”的英雄事迹，
又让我对于中华学生军及这群小弟的付出、贡献，
在一次进行了衡量及检讨。

回想起来，那是多么快乐、笑点多多的日子啊。
回忆起当时的点点滴滴，想起当年是如何与他们打破僵局，
建立关系、撇清彼此之间的误会；
到后来一心一意的训练、教导他们，从如何操步、开枪，
到世间中的人情世故，及面对人生挑战的建议。。。
到最终训练完毕，看他们顺利接手军权，看他们修炼得“肉身成圣”，
看他们为学生军开创一个新时代，为学校谱写一个新篇章。。。

我不知道自己到底给于了他们多少，
不过我想说的是，他们教会我了不少其他人无法教我的东西。
他们让我明白为人师表的感受，让我了解身为领导的责任；
此外，从他们身上也学会了许多道理，从而对自己进行反省。

想起当年我抱着“雄心大志”入伍学生军，
一心想如同我兄长一般，在学生军中大展拳脚，给自己留下一世英名。
想不到结果却无法如愿以偿，自己不知受了多少委屈、冤枉。
但是这群小子却让我在对于学生军绝望时重燃一丝希望，
让我在他们升上看见这个团体的未来。
所以，我一心一意付出，就是希望有朝一日，
他们能够重挽学生军那扫地已久的名誉，为自己开辟一个新的开始。

也就是如此，才有了“三英力挫士官长”的故事。

看着今日的他们已迈入了自己在学生军中的辉煌时代，
成为新一代的领导人，呼风唤雨；
但谁晓得，他们是否还记得当年的军训、昔日的教导？
能看到他们为学生军努力付出得却让我感到欣慰，
不过我还希望他们能记得那些教导，
不要重犯旧人所犯的错误。

当那些快乐的日子迈入回忆里时，留下的是永恒的美好。
自己从中得到的，足以让自己感到骄傲、欣慰；
自己从中给于的，足以影响众人，改变一切。

我不能说我给他们留下哪些有用或有帮助的教导，
不过我很肯定我给他们留下的是一副我们共同拥有的回忆。
我不能把他们所有的成就都归于我昔日的教导，
不过我肯定他们取得的成功都是我在学生军终无法付出的一些不足。
我不能说这一段日子我给他们启发了哪些东西，
不过我肯定，这段日子影响了他们的一生。

也应该影响了我的一生吧。

所有的功成名就，在离别时就化为乌有；
管他是士官长、还是其他团体的那些主席、负责人；
来时两手空空，走时两袖清风，
留下的，不是遗憾或悔恨，
而是永恒的回忆，启发人生的教导。

人生，也不就是如此，如同拉蜡烛吗？
燃烧自己，发出光亮，点燃其他蜡烛；
在自己将化为乌有时，已成功给他人带来光亮，
同时，用自己的火焰点燃其他蜡烛。

Update

2011-07-23T19:49:00.002+08:00

And uhh, a few days went by,
but not as productive as the previous week.
I guess much of the adrenaline from the exam left me,
so while I return to the old routine and carry out things in a sequence,
again I feel the lack of energy to get up and get some work done.

But much of the motivation is still there.

As compared to the previous week,
I doubt that I've done much to fulfill the 'least requirements' for my revision.
Given that my life basically encircles around mugging,
this analysis is telling me that my life isn't productive on the overall.
Of course I couldn't say that I'm bored with it or something else;
at this crucial point of time, I don't know why I tend to grow some sense,
and began doing whatever a real student should be doing.

A gain I have to say is that, I'm not very sure how others are doing,
but I always bear in mind that I am lagging behind.
Perhaps much of the time these days are wasted away via daydreaming, eating, etc.
But well, I'm kind of relief that at least I began to feel some responsibility for myself.

I guess I got to cut down on the blog a bit, for obvious reasons;
1) I can't write quality stuff when my life is all about studying,
2) There's nothing interesting in life to trigger any inspiration.

Again typing till this line, I get a little stuck,
and I seriously don't know how to continue.
Well well, perhaps I should stop using the computer totally.

Again when I really try to put in my best for my studies,
I felt a sense of procrastination from stopping me sometimes.
Maybe I'm getting a little bit overboard, or I'm just not as concentrated enough.

Alright, there it goes for the update;
I see what I can fill in the next time I'm around.

Comments for our young heroine

2011-07-20T18:11:00.002+08:00

Like any other day in Term 3, it's another hectic day that rushed by.
I was expecting, like any other Wednesdays,
to receive a newspaper article commentary as our weekly assignment.
But it seems like our HCL teacher is having a pleasant day today,
so, what we did was just a little discussion on the articles,
instead of doing a long, detailed commentary.

As we discussed and analyze the various headlines on the newspaper,
we gradually drew our attention towards a specific article on Comma,
the Chinese newspaper published exclusively for secondary students.
Taking a look at it, it was regarding the 'letter to the education minister';
which I believe its stance and viewpoints to be concur by many people.

While most local students express agreement over the content of the letter,
me, on the other hand, beg to differ.
I have read this letter before,
a few times on Facebook with this letter(originally a Facebook circulating around),
and twice on Temasek Review.
I must say that the situation expressed in this note are of the reality;
in fact, of the very harsh reality containing facts that I have to agree with.
However, after much digestion of the contents of this letter,
I have to oppose the viewpoints of our young heroine's in her letter to our education minister.

It is fact that she portrayed in her note;
the curriculum, the system, the teaching methods,
to the 'because Cambridge says so', 'because Carbon isn't a metal', etc.
But what I am against is about her perception towards our education system;
or I should say, the way she perceived the outcome of our system,
as well as her skeptic viewpoints regarding this system.

Been it, felt it, seen it;
I myself is one of the products of this system.
I've went through countless CAs, SAs, class tests and common tests;
at times I didn't bothered to give much of a concern for such grades that I deemed as "pointless and unnecessary",
yet at certain moments I choose to put in the best of my effort into every question I face with in a certain examination.
But for most of the times this actually voice down to the crucial decision regarding my level promotion or subject streaming,
instead of the passion and enthusiasm for education and knowledge.

True enough, this system have turned us into robots,
robots who would only do things in one manner,
and see things in one perspective.
But it is the same system that turned us into productive robots,
useful robots, as well as robots in high demand.
Being assimilated into this system a decade ago,
I have to say that in some ways I'm brainwashed by the system;
but at the same time I remain clear-minded regarding when to curse and swear about the system,
as well as when to appreciate and understand the policies implemented to keep the system going.

Yes, it is the principles of meritocracy that turn some things into a paper chase.
But isn't this what emerging LDCs are doing,
using it as a jumpboard to nurture leaders of their nations,
so that these people who have participated in the paper chase could bring their nation to grater heights?
Look at China, look at Korea...
If people there can strive to be of their very best,
then what are we complaining about when we have heavily subsidized education,
when some kids in Africa don't even get a chance to learn ABC?

At times I always felt that we failed to appreciate whatever the government or decision makers have done for us.
Despite the fact that at times they couldn't 100% understand our plight and did not went through the same process as we did,
I always believe that whatever that they have done is out of the goodwill for the nation and the people.
Certainly a policy might piss you off regarding the way it might affect you,
maybe the policy-maker might not understand the real implications due to this policy...
But haven't all of them done it for the sake of us,
the future leaders of this nation?

Another thing I would like to emphasize is about the way our young heroine expressed her unhappiness towards the system.
I mean, knowing that the system have its limitations in some way,
is writing a note on facebook to the minister the most effective solution?
Minister Heng is of another generation and era;
he might not be able to understand the thoughts and perceptions of us, the youngsters.
Rather that expressing our unhappiness towards the system towards long-winded discussion online,
why can't we just pull our socks up, get some decent grades for our O levels,
so that we can have the ability to enter the government service,
and to alter and improve this system,
so that we can 'end whatever agony that we have gone through',
before it reaches the next generation?

I have to admit that sometimes us, the young ones,
have not only overlooked the goodwill and effort our forebears have put in for us;
sometimes I also find that we tend to only look from our own perception,
and stubbornly stick to our own thoughts,
at times unwilling to listen to the explanation of others.
While on one hand we concur with whatever our young heroine have said,
have you ever tried explaining why the people before us put this system in today's place?
Have you ever wondered why they did things this way?
Have you ever tried understanding the system, understanding the viewpoints of our policy-makers?
Looking at our young heroine's one-sided view,
I have to say that at times, the young and rash ones, including me,
tend to overlook the most valuable and cherish values in life.

I must clarify that I am not some form of PAP supporter,
and neither do I have any personal grudge with our young heroine;
like all of you, I'm just expressing my views regarding this incident.
Nevertheless our young heroine have done a courageous act that no one before her had really done before;
with this, I also hope that in the time to come youngsters can be more open with their views,
so that it would benefit our policy-makers in making decisions that suits us.

All in all, I got to say that the earth is round;
one thing can be viewed from different manners.
It is important for us to put ourselves in the shoes of others,
as well as understanding the perspective of other's actions.
Yet, it remains a concerning issue that our young ones tend to take for granted whatever things they have in life,
not knowing that it is viewed as a form of luxury in the lives of others.

Thank you.

The Serangoon Redemption

2011-07-19T21:36:00.002+08:00

I believe this is a prison, or maybe rehabilitation centre,
that most of us have set foot in before.
May it be in childhood or teenage, may the duration be short or long;
sometimes the experiences here left us with haunting memories,
while some lessons learnt in here are inspirational moments that will change you for life.
There's a dozen different people you'll expect to meet here-
all the way from the Prison Warden to the cell guards.

It is awkward for you all to see me expressing this place with such a term, 'prison';
but however there is a reason I refer it to as a prison.
Like any other criminals arrested for their crimes,
there's bound to be something that I've done wrong that put me 'behind bars',
which purpose of sending me here is to rehabilitate me.

Unlike most prison that consist of prisoners of a single gender,
this rehabilitation centre comprises of cellmates from both gender,
as well as a little mixture of people of other races and nationalities.
This prison, is a school; and with this,
I shall begin my story of the 'Serangoon Prison'.

4 years ago I was sent here for a fairly justifiable reason;
a reason that requires me to go through some form of rehabilitation,
so that I would wake up my bloody idea and stop screwing around with life.
In my capacity as a student, I admit that I have failed my profession,
as well as creating undesirable results from my work.
Therefore, I was sent here with two aims:
One, which is to get me to start doing what a student should be doing;
two, to change that attitude of mine for good.

If one have gone through time in anywhere else,
he or she would understand the plight of someone wearing a uniform;
a uniform that chains you under a certain identity that you do not desire.
This plight is simple; for instance, you have to ask for permission for everything you do,
even if it's a trip to the washroom for a piss.

The routine here is something that will leave one with eternal memories;
everyday you are put through the same thing, doing the same stuff to achieve the same target,
yet without a specific aim which you see to benefit you in anyway.
The process is hard, and mentally-challenging;
but I have to admit that all these paperwork are something light,
as compared to all those chores you'll be doing in a real prison.
Like how you get a mathematician to write a history essay,
it's just like doing something that you didn't like at all.

If all the 'prison activities' are something that get me to do whatever a student should be doing,
then all the interactions with the people here,
are the factors that will fulfilled task number two listed above.

All the way from wardens, guards to cellmates,
I must admit that there is a ton of undesirable people in Serangoon Prison.
There are people who would constantly create trouble for you;
there are cellmates who have been through a hell of life,
and are real, trained veterans of the harsh reality.
These are the people who would make life difficult for you,
by posing challenges and ganging up against you in any manner.

Not to forget about the cell guards;
like us, they are no different from what people define as a villain.
The only difference between us is the level of violence and evil we had in us;
the wardens like to put these 'trusted turnkeys' in charged of ordinary cellmates.
There's also a couple of them that wore the green uniform of a guard-
these are the real devils who serve as the nemesis of all prisoners.

It would be normal if these 'authorised personnel' obstruct your daily life.
What is worse is when they purposely create trouble for you,
and get you down into deep shit with the warden or the chief guard...
and then the next moment you would find yourself in solidarity confinement,
if not taking a few slash of the rotan from the chief guard.

Wardens is another matter.
Some are real devils who do their work for the sake of the salary;
whatever they do is just because they have their own interest in mind.
But there are also exceptional ones who are the Captains of Life;
these are the real saints that would be in their utmost effort and sincerity,
be it towards their job or towards any prisoner.
They would take their patience in coaching a prisoner back to the right path,
as well as providing chances for a prisoner to see good and kindness in himself.

There's a large variety of personalities I met here;
but definitely for most of the times you would come into contact with the cellmates.
As I said before there are cellmates that are real hardcore veterans,
who are out to seek trouble and make life difficult for everyone.
However there are also 'newbies' who are of the same plight as you;
then there are also some accused some crimes they never done and end up here.

I must say in this mixed gender prison,
I came across prisoners that screw you up in any manner available.
However, there are real friends that you would find here too;
these are the people who would help you whenever you need,
and also render their support and assistance in times of trouble.
I must say that at times these are the people that pulled me through my term here;
they were the reason that I must sit through my time and walk out a free man.

As I'm nearing my parole this year,
the prison have organized the annual 'Yellow Ribbon Project',
which purpose is to help each prisoner and guard to gain a qualification,
so that they would be able to 'seek employment' or find 'jobs of better aspects' when they 'finished their contract' or their 'term'.

It is another crucial point of time in life once more;
the warden says that if I perform well for this project,
I will be acquitted of all my charges at once, and be release as a free man.
If not, I'll just have to sit through another term of 2 or 3 years.

I would say that this is a form of redemption, maybe.
A redemption for my crime, a redemption for my wrongdoings.
And maybe, a redemption for my ignorance back then.

it was all that ignorant and pride that landed me in this state.
Back then, you were young and egoistic.
You thought that you're the top of the world.
You do things without thinking, until you make a mistake.
Some mistakes are minor ones, yet some takes you a lifetime to redeem it.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to redeem myself, after 4 years.
This time, I shall walk out a free man.

Chances, will be there.

2011-07-17T13:04:00.002+08:00

And so, it's been a week or so since the last Preliminary Exam paper;
life is starting to revert back to the normal circumstances,
following the usual routine, doing the same things.
Yet, we are anticipating a second round to be coming up soon;
I don't expect myself to take a short break before the second prelims,
but using this period of time to catch a breather,
as well as tying up all my loose ends in revising the syllabus.

I couldn't feel the real intensity when I was studying for the first round of exams,
but after I've seen many shocked faces from this round of papers and witnessing their determination to top the honour rolls,
I began to feel differently, as well as feeling driven and motivated to study harder,
in order to sustain and improve my current situation in academics.
It's a real hard battle awaiting all of us-
a struggle for supremacy among different students,
a campaign of fighting towards straight distinctions between schools,
the 'company quota' given by HODs to various teachers...

Not to forget about the struggle between oneself,
to get myself disciplined and motivated in this turning point of life.

It's been four years ever since the last turning point in my life.
Yes, I screwed up badly that time and landed in agony and pain for four years.
Again this time I'm faced with a second turning point;
one that would affect my life for good.
So, am I going to be as lax as back then, and get myself screwed up;
or am I going to emerged victorious in this struggle,
and join the ranks of elites?

It's hard, it's the system;
but there's nothing else we can do to it.
Well, we have to learn to beat the system at its own game;
study hard, be accomplished and successful.
Only by then you shall have qualifications to make amendments to the system.

All of a sudden I felt a strong sense of responsibility;
to study hard, of course.
Perhaps I am kind of motivated by the first round of exams;
who knows, the second round is going to get tougher,
and we just have to pull our socks up.

Never give up, that's all I can say;
maximize your potential and be the very best you can be.

And this is the only chance whereby I can escape from the screwed up life of mine.
Studying is the only way out? I guess so, in my case.

If I never take full advantage of this turning point this time round,
well, who knows when is the next time whereby life would give you another chance.

Career Seminar

2011-07-11T21:12:00.002+08:00

It's been a long, long day;
We had a long 'Career Seminar' in school lasting till 4.30pm,
and it was a bit of dry for most of the times.
Well, saying that it was a 'Career Seminar',
all the school did was to get successful ex-students back here,
like professors, directors, etc, to share about their success stories,
and how they attributed it to the school for first realizing their potential.

My mind was mostly blank throughout the whole seminar,
which comprises tertiary institutions giving a presentation about themselves,
and also some exhibitions by various tertiary institutions,
and not to forget about the talks by those ex-students.
However, despite my rejection towards the stuff from the seminar,
this seminar indeed send me into deep thoughts, again;
and so I wonder...

If one day there's a chance whereby I could be like one of them,
standing in front of my juniors, as an ex-student and a successful person in society,
well, at that point of time, who am I and what will I be doing?

I guess most people had their way ahead plan beforehand;
they knew where they should be standing in 10 to 20 years time,
and viewed the education today as little steps towards their big dreams.
Some though didn't looked as far as them;
but they have a clear idea where their next checkpoint would be.

For me, let me just live the current and do the current;
I'm not quite sure about where's my next checkpoint,
needless to mention about my desired destination.
To say that I'm unsure, unclear, unmotivated or under-prepared,
I would say, all four of them, actually.

But back to the question; so I ask myself if one day I'm going to be one of those ex-students up there,
giving a presentation, and showing how successful they are...
who would I be, what will I be doing?
First daydream thoughts is that I could visualize myself in the Legionnaire uniform,
sharing my stories as the first Singaporean to join the French Foreign Legion,
impressing the boys, holding them in awe... Something like that.

If not, then I'll be some kind of person having an unique profession,
which this profession seems mysterious to many people,
yet amazes everyone with whatever I do in my vocation.

Aha! So that's it; perhaps I've sort of answered a question I've yet to answered for 16 years.

What I really want is something out-of-the-box, something unconventional;
something different, yet unique at the same time.
Perhaps I don't feel content or happy doing whatever that everyone's doing,
or just living up to people's expectations.
I want to do something that I really want to do, something different,
something that suits my personality, something that just clicks with me.

So I thought about it, I need a dream that is different;
I need an aspiration that is unique in its own ways,
I need to do it, everything, in my own manner.

I don't want to do something that earns a lot, or will get me somewhere,
maybe I'll just be fine doing something that makes me myself.

So again I asked myself, 'What is that which I do will make me myself?'
Honestly, I have difficulties answering to this question.

I guess the problems lies deeply in my interest;
I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I really like;
I'm not so sure where my interest lies in.
For a good 16 years in life, most projects that came through my hands,
or having me appointed as leader,
will just end up either as a failure or as a sub-pass.

Here, I asked myself, so what can I do? What am I exactly good at?

It seems like none is the answer when I spammed myself with such questions;
but then in one moment I recalled one of the best part of memories:
the times leading my A-Team, teaching them, training them, guiding them.
Then I wonder, among my failed career as a NCC cadet,
is this something that I've done wrong again,
or least make a difference somewhere that makes it alright?

A doctor could cure many patients, yet it seems difficult to cure himself;
at times, I wonder how true it is in this case.
But in this instance I put this into relation with my future;
sometimes, I just couldn't motivate and guide myself to my next checkpoint,
but yet I could lead others to a higher level than where they are now.

Yes, this is the 'something different' that I always wanted to do.
Doing something not for myself, not for my family, but for the masses, for a cause.
Leading not myself, not my peers, but strangers.
That's what I really want to do;
like a candle, I ignite myself, only to bring light and warmth to others.

I want to inspire lives, as well as sustain to dimming lives, creating new lives.
I'm not a pro at driving myself;
but I know that there's a huge group of people out there that needs me to drive them more than driving myself.

So what, a platoon sergeant like what I used to be? No.
Then a teacher, or a lecturer to add value to students? No.
What about a speaker, whose words can touch the hearts of many? Maybe.

I thought of being a counsellor, pulling people back to where they should be;
yet at this time, one fierce yet inspiring job came into mind:
A Prison Warden.

After all, I just want to make a difference, for life, that's all.

Finding . Friends

2011-07-10T08:05:00.002+08:00

I guess if love is one that many desire,
then friends are something that is essential in life too.
Like love, friends are what that makes life colourful-
filling one's life with laughter, purpose, happiness and all sorts of memories.

All of us desire for friends;
one that we can share our joy and troubles with,
one is is willing to stand by us against all odds,
one who is willing to render all help when we are down,
one who is always there shining for us like a star in the sky,
even if we don't see them at times.

But sometimes I just like to ask myself,
what exactly is the definition of friends,
and what exactly is friendship?
How do I define a bond between me and another person as friendship?

To relate what in the end makes me define this relation,
let me begin my story when I first interact with people of my age.

I guess much interaction between people of our own age starts when we were four or so.
Back in the years when we're a toddler, life just revolves around our parents and family.
However when we first started pre-school, that was when we met a deal of people who were as of the same age as us.
Despite being in the same class, we never addressed each other as classmates;
instead, we like to use the term friend.

I was a meek and silent boy when i was much younger,
and hence I didn't have much of a 'friend' in kindergarten.
While others like to sit down and play together,
I preferred doing my own stuff away at another corner.
However there were two boys I met in kindergarten;
who change my perspective of school forever.

When I was much younger at age 5 I always thought school was bad;
you get scolded by the teacher, you get picked by other students,
and then you got to do homework and sing the songs you didn't want to sing...
and that put me away from school.
It was them- these two boys who encourage me to school,
accompany me in all activities in school,
and give me a push whenever I need.
Sometimes I would wonder why they would go to such extend for a classmate back then;
maybe because we're much more innocent then,
and we treat everyone of our age as 'friends'.

Nevertheless, they taught me that school was a fun place.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't have much friends in Primary school;
much of my time was occupied by homework and studying,
that results in my lack of social interaction to forge bonds.
However there's always a deal of awesome people in school,
who seems to be the most wonderful people on Earth;
at first they used to let me join the activities,
but soon we drifted apart due to the differences in personality.

So I didn't really have much of a friend then;
they were just nice classmates that would cooperate and help everytime you need them.

The real nightmares begins in Secondary school;
I met a dozens of different personality,
which is much of a contrast to my Primary years where the people were straightforward and suave.
Some are real introverts, while some are extreme extroverts;
Then I don't know why there are also scheming people,
evil, business-minded bastards who only seeks profit;
also the so-called 'cool guys' who think that they are the top of the world,
and treat everyone else like dung.

Yet despite the mass difference between people in this institution,
I came across people who I shall address them as 'Comrades'.
Those were the real ones who seem to be much similar to you,
sharing the same aims, dreams and thoughts-of-life.

First group of people that I would address as comrades were two brave soldiers who have seen 'action' with me in the 'frontline':
CK and CJ, my respective superior and aide-de-camp in the Corps.
I'm not too sure of how everything started then,
but it seems like we hit it off very well;
maybe due to the similarities in some areas that we shared.
It was a whole deal of fun;
who often joked together during training, tekan the same people during training,
and also share our weals and woes with each other.

Yet on the much serious side, we were always by each other's side at times of crisis;
we faced the music as one, and solved the problems together.
It just resembles any of those war movies I've watched;
one for all, all for one, together we can make a difference.

Indeed, we went on to create history in our CCA.

Come to a point there's also another comrade who once fought with me;
back in Secondary 2, we were from the same class;
but yet it seems like the bond went beyond that of a classmate.
We do our morning jogs together, spent time outside together,
and then share our troubles and joys together too.
Fret not, we are not gays;
it's just that there is some form of similarity that pulls us together.

However the sad thing is that once the similarity is gone,
the bond is never there anymore.
It remains as one of the silent regret in life.

There's also a couple of hundreds of people I came across;
many had lend me a helping hand whenever I needed one,
but sometimes it just seems like there's no one else that is willing to fight by my side.
I came across people that hi off with me instantly;
but yet there seems to be not much of a similarity to keep us bonded.

Till date I've met several people in life,
and I only manage to build relations with some of them;
and among these 'some of them',
I only manage to build closer ties with a few of them.

So how do I define friends?
It's not just adding each other on Facebook, having each other's contact number,
chatting every once in a while, and share some jokes sometimes that makes one a friend.
I guess a friend is worth so much more than that;
but it's pretty ironic I don't know how much more.
So when some acquaintances tries to address me as a friend,
deep down in heart I always wonder that whether this person view friendship lightly,
or just define everyone that he or she knows as a friend.

As for those comrades;
they're like another form of bond.
The brotherhood bond, I would say, needless for anything to serve as a foundation of friendship.
Well, why? Because we are brothers;
there's never a need for something to serve as a bonding platform between brothers.

Maybe on the contrary, I myself define 'friendship' higher than its value;
that's why there are certain aspects I viewed as essential to calling one person my friend.

I wouldn't say that I'm bad at building relations,
but it's just that it seems like I couldn't find the right people.

So, who are my friends actually?
That's why Walker is walking alone everytime.

'Alte Kameraden', meaning 'Old Comrades'(above video);
dedicated to those who have once fought by my side,
and those who have treated and viewed me, as a friend.

Encounters . Enchanted

2011-07-08T16:36:00.002+08:00

I'm pretty sure that as ordinary mankind,
it is certain that we lust for many, many things.
There are so much out there which we desired for-
however, I believe that it is undisputed that there is one thing that all of us want:
Love, that is it.

Be it family love, the concern between friends, or the sweetness between a couple-
all of us want to be loved, and we are willing to love.
But today I, Walker, shall temporarily put the love of a family and friends aside;
perhaps among so many forms of love,
all of us desired for the simple yet sweet relation between a male and a female,
which is something that I believe to be able to conquer all obstacles and fight against all odds.

For a start, maybe I shall share some of my 'experiences'.

I'm a simple and innocent child for much of my 16 years on Earth,
however the first time I got involved with something related to a boy-girl-relation was back at the age of 10,
when I was in Primary Three, or Four.
That was a pretty awkward situation then;
this sister of a schoolmate of mine(now still a schoolmate in ZHSS),
took a liking to me, which I find to be kind of haunting.

I believe that all of us seek for perfection during childhood,
so what that puts me off in this encounter was the 'external' factors;
she ain't very good looking, and not so smart either.
So I was totally put off; despite that we were close acquaintance for a couple of years,
but I tried distancing myself away from her after she 'made herself clear'.
And no doubt I stop all forms of socializing with her brother and family,
which I was certainly kind of close to;
and that really puts them off.

Yet this little encounter still lingers as a childhood nightmare,
and it was the start of a curse that follows me for the rest of my life.

I wonder if any of you readers ever had some experience at 'online relationships';
something like you spent too much time online,
you met a girl(or a guy), and became virtual partners;
despite not meeting each other in real life,
you all build the bond and relation over the communication devices.

One of the most memorable encounter with people was when I met a girl online;
back then the dumb MSN Messenger was all that matters when we don't have Facebook, Twitter or Blogger.
So, I met this girl online; a year older than me, from the same school,
but we never met in real life.
However, we exchanged contacts online;
that sprouted into some sort of friendship that is dependent on the telephone or the computer.

So I would spent hours talking on the phone or on MSN with her;
I don't know if I were to classify this as some form of relationship,
but at the period of time she was the girl that gave the most impact on my life.
Her voice was sweet, she was understanding, she controls her temper well,
and she said I'm someone with split personality.

Sweet encounter that lasted for a couple of years;
back then I was Primary Five.
But we gradually lost contact as she moved up to Secondary Three...
so that's the end to one chapter,
that I hope to see a sequel in.

Then later in Secondary One I met this classmate of mine;
first time that someone really attracted my attention.
And first time that I ever act like an idiot;
but things didn't start off well, needless to say.
She hates me then, and I'm a real jerk then;
so, it's like a thunderstorm when she realize the attraction I had for her.

For the rest of Secondary One I'm trapped in this cycle,
and just couldn't get her off my mind.
That was the first encounter with infatuation or something like that;
be it some kind of fresh then, it isn't very pleasant to recount on this.
I guess this awkward situation is wide known by the school;
me ending up as the failure and loser of this chapter of the story.

Till date, all the old feelings were long gone;
she remains as one of the better friends in life,
and we supported each other in moving to our respective goals in life.

Yet one of the worse encounter yet to mention was when I was Secondary Three.

There's this fairly plump young lady who misunderstood me for stealing at the Pau Shop in the school canteen.
At that was when she knew me, started to talk to me,
and then, I would say start to stalk me.
It wasn't a good start as we knew each other through a misunderstanding;
that didn't gave me much of a good impression of her.
And after sometime getting familiar with me,
she starts meddling with my life, which totally piss me off.

And went around acting like she got something to do with me.
Too much infiltration and irritation to my personal life.

And to cut the long story short:
Later when she confessed to me, I just reject her and 'shove her away'.
Well, I used a lot of heavy language,
and that made her hate me for life.

Perhaps I have yet to mentioned of the best;
back when I was still in Secondary Two, I was at the prime of teenage.
Slim figure, huge muscles, and, pretty smart then.
So I hit off with a Primary school classmate of mine;
she was a foreigner, she's pretty, hot, good at sports, smart.

We met each other again like on MSN;
and then it soon developed into something beyond friendship.
I remember there was a time she said she would pay me a visit,
(She lives in Bukit Timah and I live in Pasir Ris)
and I thought she was joking.

The she was at my doorsteps the next second.
Very, very touching.

However good things doesn't last long;
as we moved up to Upper Secondary,
we gradually lost contact of each other.
So, I considered it an end? I don't hope so.

So, many people came and went.
Some left footsteps, some left nightmares;
but a few of them left everlasting memories,
that accompanies me to sleep when I'm having insomnia.

To date I'm dejected and all-out;
girls despise me, but well, that doesn't matter.
I don't desire much from relationships;
maybe I shall choose to stay single till death.

Ironically, I've never went into a true relationship,
but my encounters taught me so much,
that I act as a Love Guru and counsellor to a few of my peers.

Maybe at this point of time I would like to thank all of them;
for all the stuff they taught me,
all the encounter they gave me,
and also, all the memories they left me with.

And now, Walker prefers walking alone.

My Ambition

2011-07-07T14:12:00.002+08:00

In every Primary student's life,
there is bound to be a time whereby their teachers get them to write this essay;
a straightforward, yet profound and in-depth one.

"My Ambition";
often kids came upon with dreamy and kiddy content,
like being a teacher, doctor, lawyer, etc.
I remember the first time my teacher got me to write this essay was back in Primary 2.
That time, being ignorant and childish,
I didn't really have much of a dream that I wanted.
I've thought of being a cop back when I was in nursery;
but well, this occupation doesn't seem to be much forward-looking in that demanding school of mine.
So, I just scribbled a 'lawyer' and went on crapping about it.

Then in Primary Five my form teacher again got me to write something similar.
"What you hope to be in the future";
back then I was increasingly interested in history and politics,
so I, with much naivety, wrote down a 'politician'.

So later with that disappointing PSLE score of mine I went into my current school.
I joined the Corps, so the ambition was temporarily changed to 'soldier'.
Later I started watching the anime One Piece,
and the 'soldier' in me kind of evolve into some kind of 'marine' or 'naval officer'.

Yet however this little aspiration of mine was smashed when I got screwed in my CCA,
and faced with a lot of conflicts and politics in that company.
With much of a negative light and cynical view of the NCC,
I simply brushed off that 'marine' in me;
there onward, I didn't have a fixed ambition or a realistic dream to motivate me.

Other than these, there are many times in life that I thought of being something;
I thought of being a writer when I began to developed my writing skills,
as well as winning a few writing-related awards and earned a fame for writing.
I've also thought of being a counsellor,
when I was being counselled by the school counsellor for my problems.
There is also a time whereby I thought of being a businessman;
to learn the ropes of business and win the game of life.

But many a times, these demanding aspirations are smashed right in my face,
when I faced up with academic failure or ability inadequacy.

Often I get dejected in life,
because I perceived that I didn't have a vivid dream that will drive me to the future.
People around me either have a relationship or a dream;
it is what that motivates and drives them for good grades respectively.
Often, I gave myself the excuse that because I didn't have an ambition,
then I shouldn't have a reason to work hard.

There are also times whereby these ambitions faced cynical response;
peers, family, teachers sometimes thrashed these little room of growth...
"You think you're capable of doing so? Look at your results!"
"Stop being unrealistic and get a life la..."
"I think its time that you really, really start planning and not daydream..."
"Ha, who do you think you are, let us just wait and see!"

Often, these ambitions proved to be vulnerable to sarcasm.

Then I sat down and began to wonder.
Why did I change my ambitions so often,
why are my ambitions so easily shattered,
why are my actions never bringing me anywhere to my ambitions?
Why, after changing a few ambitions to suit myself,
I just couldn't get it right?

Then I just realized why:
since the start, I've never been serious in writing this essay on 'My Ambition';
thereafter, I've never reflect upon this essay to my actions in reality.
I've never been serious about anything,
I've never put any of these ambitions in the priorities of life,
and I've never, never get really cracking to move myself towards them.
They are just like empty promises- that's why they shatter so easily.

So now I sat down and began to plan seriously about this,
the essay that was not completed for 10 years.
But facing academic failure, relationship problems and lost of direction in life,
all that appears in my mind when I thought of ambition was the French Foreign Legion.

Now why is that another ambition of mine?
Because I've heard of people saying that's where you can start everything afresh;
a different life, a different routine, a different identity.
perhaps that is what that i yearn most in this directionless life of mine.
That's why I aspire to be a Legionnaire.

But yet, it takes effort to train and build up in order to be part of the Legion;
so right now, what am I going to do,
in order to get this last ditch of completing the undone essay a successful one?

Yet, it seems like I still lack the answer that I desired.

Reversing It

2011-07-06T10:58:00.002+08:00

A couple of things on mind today;
I woke up in the morning feeling a burst of energy through me,
and then went off to school for the last written paper for this preliminary exams.
And then, I'm back here, tying up some loose ends and having some personal time.

A couple of things happened recently that lingers in my mind;
the exams are somewhat coming to an end, with me utterly defeated.
But what's more important now is to actually set the sight far for the O levels,
and maybe, that's the ultimate checkpoint instead of the school exams.

With this, I feel a little bit more relaxed,
and gave myself some excuse to slack away from work for a couple of minutes.

Today I kept thinking of a question:
Is something that is previously damaged or spoiled, reversible to go back to the past status that it supposed to be?
Or would certain actions done to spoil something be eternal,
and we could never rewind to fix the situation to be like what it used to be as of before?
Would any efforts at the current moment be useful in reversing the situation?
Is there still hope?

Often there is regret in me for wasting a couple of hours away somewhere;
like not studying hard enough for a test, not doing my best in my assignments, etc.
Usually some kind of pathetic results appear of the situation to wake me up;
from then I knew that I need to take action to remedy, or reverse the situation.

Often time and hard work solves as the best remedy to such incident.
You flunked a test, you work harder for the next one.
You missed a chance, you wait for the next to come.
Some situations are reversible- not until the last moment,
you never knew what is the ultimate outcome.
I guess that explains of why people do the last minute mugging everytime.

So I thought, if I screwed up my grades this time round,
it is reversible- there's still another round of exams before the O levels.

But yet, there are some things that ain't reversible after certain actions;
in spite of time and hard work, things will never return to be the same.

So what am I trying to talk about here?
I would like to say that in this world there are two forms of situation:
The first is situations that are reversible and could be salvaged.
The second one are situations that you couldn't look back.

Relations and friends, if you get what I mean.

Recently I patched up with an 'old' friend of mine,
after much of the cold shoulder and cold war.
And it's like the infinite time that we made it back after quarreling.
So I wonder, am I able to revert everything to be as of the same in the past?
Or would the little friction and tension previously becomes a dark cloud over the bond?

I don't know what would it be this time round;
but it seems like my bond or relation with someone weaken everytime after a conflict or a quarrel.
Perhaps the problem just lies with me, I have to admit.

So, eager to reverse the situation,
I guess I have to put in double the effort for everything;
to do my best in what's left of the academics,
to show more concern or better attitude to peers around me,
and perhaps, to be a better person.

Maybe that is how it would reverse the situation, who knows.

Yet at times, it seems like certain things couldn't be as good as in the good old days...

If I had a chance, maybe I would like to start all over again.
Of course, without all the slacking and callousness in my work,
and to be a nicer person to friends and peers.
That would removed all those conflicts;
ironically those are the conflicts that made people understand each other better.

Yet without the friction, people wouldn't be strangers.

So what's the situation now?
The road ahead is long, and there are encounters yet to be met;
here, I shall try my best to do my best in everything,
with hope of new opportunities in the future,
as well as reversing those old opportunities that are long gone.

And so, I shall walk on.

CCA Appreciation: Recognizing the Sai Kang(Unsung) Warriors

2011-07-04T10:36:00.003+08:00

It's another nice beautiful Monday morning which happens to be a school holiday,
and while I'm going to wrap up of what's left of my revision,
I received a message from one of my mates in the Corps.
There's a high possibility that something drastic is going to happen everytime we get together,
but to my prediction, he brought me the bad news that I had been awaiting.

So here's the story:
There's this little ceremony every year in school,
whereby the school would actually 'appreciate' individuals who contributed merit to the CCA or organization.
They call it the 'CCA Appreciation Day';
while many of the seniors worked hard just for recognition on this day,
with all the applause, honour and glory,
yet I've always viewed it as some form of victory parade for the winners of the school.

So coming down to my last year in secondary school,
it happens that now it is my turn to go up on stage.
What a surprise, really; I've never thought much about any appreciation in my CCA.

So along with my aide-de-camp CJ and a few other mates,
we've been given the lowest of all honours in this victory parade.
They call it an appreciation award;
basically just to appreciate your hard work and effort for the CCA and the school.

Yet instead of being elated, I felt some kind of frustrated;
not at the fact that I'm give the lowest honour,
but with the reality that this is an unfair system.

Every year I see decorated NCOs walking up the stage,
donning that uniform of theirs which is covered with medals.
They were the real creme de la creme;
those that have fought and won glory for the school in regional or national competitions.
These are the people that was ensured a smooth career in their CCA,
and ended up as the biggest winner every year.

However yet there is another group of people left unnoticed.
These are the people who did the lowest of all jobs in their CCA;
while the Club President or Company Sergeant Major is planning big events,
these people are always running errands, tying up the loose ends,
as well as being a mediator and middleman between the top dogs and the lower caste.
I've always believe and view these people as the true warriors of their CCA;
but alas, many addressed them with the term 'Sai Kang Warrior'(shit jobbers).

I'm not very sure which category I belong to,
such that it made my presence an additional decoration to the whole ceremony.
I'm a Staff Sergeant who earned my rank through internal merits;
I never participate in competitions to win glory for the school,
but I trained the very first A-Team that earn the school an honour roll.
I sew my rank because of my effort, not my merit.

After much thinking, I believe that I belonged to the other group.

On the day of the ceremony, many of the school's top dogs;
those who hosted parades and events, those who won merits and honours for the school,
those who gave the school its sustained achievement on the national platform;
they are walking up the stage, receiving the highest of honours,
enjoying the long awaited applause of the crowd under the stage.

Yet also on that very day,
another group of people shall sit in the hall's gallery;
these are the Warriors who ran errands, mop the floor and tied the loose ends,
and did everything else to ensure that every detail of the event is accounted for;
they sit side by side on the gallery, clapping for those decorated ones,
feeling happy and joyful for their fellow mates upon stage.

But they graduated without much, perhaps none appreciation for their measly efforts,
which adds up to be the foundation and backbone for the sustained merits.

Are you like those decorated top dogs,
who earned your rank and post with merits and prizes;
or are you like me, another shit jobber who contributed silently at the backstage?

The stone on top of Mount Everest faced the world with pride and glory;
proud that it is the highest point of Earth,
glorified because it is at the top of all stones.
Yet without the millions and billions of stones forming the foundation of the Everest,
how, may I ask, would this top stone be more important that the stones that form the base?

Appreciation, I believe, doesn't comes from medals and certificates.

It comes from the content and happiness you received,
because of your little effort that aids to the smooth procedure of the event.

Having done your best and you're sure of it,
that is the best appreciation.

Today I, Walker, stand in pride to give the loudest applause to all of the backstage crew.

Without your running of errands, tying of loose ends,
never would the top dogs strike a good victory,
sustaining the glory of the school.

With this, I applause for you guys!

Well done, everyone!

A rodent and a cat

2011-07-01T13:34:00.002+08:00

Army Day, as well as a Friday;
took my Physics paper wearing my decorated uniform.
There's a mixed feeling within me today,
as well as a whole deal of thoughts;
ideas and plans came galloping around my mind,
yet it seems like not many of them are put into action.

I was on my way to school today,
and I saw something I would say, unusual to urban beings.
It was 0630 hours in the morning,
and I saw this cat 'dueling' with a rodent.
The cat is frail, weak and malnourished;
the rodent, a small little rat that looks like it just reached its teenage.
The rodent's dexterity was too fast for the cat's paw;
after much struggle, it manage to escape within the perimeter of danger.

So the little rat took a turn at a corner,
and scurried away quickly.
The cat went hot on heels, but stopped at the bend of a wall.
There the rat believes that it is out of danger;
it slows down and crawl off, flamboyantly that it once again escape the gates of Hell.
Here, the cat hid at the corner;
listening carefully to the surroundings and on high alert,
the cat is determined to eat its breakfast.

So after a few steps the rat paused,
believe that the cat have given up the chase.
But not in this case;
the cat have the situation in its paws,
and is ready to strike anytime.

At the very crucial moment, the cat hesitated;
it wonders would this ambush meant a sumptuous meal,
or would it, because of its inferior skills, leads to a hungry morning.
The cat isn't so sure of its plans now;
it stood stationary, and listen, observed the situation once more.
The cat is eager to strike successfully- at all cost.

Here the rat who paused for a moment realize something:
itself is still under danger.
While the cat is indecisive on its actions and not confident of its plan,
the little rodent ran at top speed towards the nearest drain.
The friction between the rat's nails and the cement ground alerted the cat;
but then, it was all too late.

The cat looked in all directions.
Where is it? Where is it?
After moments of anxiousness in the middle of the road,
it then walks away slowly, depressed and hungry;
the chance of another meal wouldn't be so soon.

I was a little amused by this situation,
but yet I'm also kind of enlightened;
isn't every chance, opportunity or situation in life,
just like a rodent-catching game?

At times opportunities strikes;
we utilized our abilities and struggle to win a prize for ourselves.
After a long battle, we grew tired of the game;
yet at the same time, the defense of the opponent is critically weakened.
Just as we're about to give the final blow with our final might,
we wondered if this time round it would be a success-
the past failures and struggles seem to oppose the usage of the same tactics.
We hesitated on our actions, and was indecisive on our plans;
there, we gave the enemy walls and towers a chance to be fixed,
and then, opportunities scurried away unknowingly.

From there, we deemed that our skills have failed ourselves,
and we plunge towards defeat and bitterness.

Today, this happens to the friendly neighbourhood cat.
But I wonder, how many times this happened to me?
Coming upon a situation, a chance or opportunity;
I struggled hard to prove my worth,
yet at the crucial moment, I hesitate or doubt myself,
and in the end, walk towards failure.

Upon standing at the parade square today morning,
I saw you walking towards the foyer.
Then I wonder, upon the times that I interact with you,
was it the times whereby I hesitated to given an encouragement,
doubt that an apology would work, or were indecisive in patching things up,
that eventually lead to the disintegration of our friendship?

Perhaps sometimes failure doesn't lies in our skills;
it lies in ourselves.
We were not confident, indecisive and full of doubts;
we never trust our actions, or believe in our skills.
Perhaps, because I didn't believe that a concern or two will make things better,
hence I lost many friends.

So what about this?
Well, I just hope that in time to come,
dear readers would be confident of yourselves;
trust your actions, believe in your plans, and act without hesitation...

Don't stop believing.

Last Moments

2011-06-25T22:47:00.002+08:00

And hence, we've come to the last moment of this intensive holiday.
Looking back, I wondered how much have I done,
what have I gained, what have I learn, or at least,
What have I actually done lawfully right during this period...

I can't deny that I somehow or rather wasted this 17 or so days;
the preparation was sort of inadequate, there isn't a fixed timetable,
I don't have a plan to go around things, and neither do i have the drive...
It seems like I've yet to complete whatever that I should,
and in contrary I did all that I shouldn't be doing;
there's this little feeling of guilt in me for wasting the time away,
but on the other hand, I tried consoling myself that this is the maximum I can do,
given the circumstances and mood that I'm in.

Though this supposing shouldn't be a 'reason', or an excuse.

But well, that's the way human beings are, isn't it?

When the clock just keeps on tickling,
and you realize that you're lagging far behind,
and there's too much, too much to catch up,
just because for some moments to tend to let loose...
Ah, that isn't a nice feeling.

Guilt remains guilt, but it's all guilt attributed to myself.
If my life wasn't so demoralizing,
if things in life were a bit brighter,
if there's some reasons for me to strive upon,
if there's some people there to motivate me,
if there's some kind of balance in my drowsy life...
Whatever it is, it's because I let loose somehow.
Karma, how ironic.

Crashing and burning this time wouldn't really hurt much;
but then I tend to have the fear of crashing somewhere down,
I mean, like the big examinations...
That would really hurt a lot.

I kept on reasoning that I don't have drive and reason for me to strive;
even if it's that case, the problem still lies with me.
But how? It just seems like I couldn't solve my own problems;
let alone for others to have some hope on my and give me support.
Sometimes I like to ask myself,
if I were to screwed up again this time round, like how I did in PSLE,
how would it be? What would be the aftermath?

But seriously, unlike the previous time that I harbours the hope of a new life,
this time I like to tell myself to let things be.
I harbour no hopes, no ambitions, nothing.
Or maybe I should say, after so much that happen in life, I choose to give up.
Maybe to many of you it seems like I give up easily,
but that is the case;
at this point of time, I couldn't rewind things anymore.

If things were to go on like this,
without drive, without motivation, without aims...
I'll gladly let it be; I'm all used to it.
Maybe one fine day, I'll just have my own epic story out of this.

Either way, life goes on, doesn't it?

Perhaps I think a little bit too much sometimes.
Or maybe, I feel a bit more than others would.
Well when I look back, fact remains.
It is like this; my life centers around me.

But no matter what turns out, I'll gladly accept.
There might be no drive, no motivation, no reason...
But you wouldn't survive if you don't smile and look on the bleak side of life.

King or vagabond,
whatever it is; I remain who I'm supposed to be.
So, that's my excuse.

Feeling Lost

2011-06-22T00:12:00.003+08:00

I sat in front of my desktop, and surfed the Internet in a random manner;
as the clock strucks 12 midnight, I sigh to myself,
"Well, it's one day gone and a new day again."

Again, I spent much of Tuesday studying,
but again it seems like only minority of those information manage to find its way into my mind.
I guess I have been making the least of the last few days-
reading, eating, studying, and then surfing the net...
Life's never been anywhere as bored or aimless like now.

I wonder if there's anyone out there like me,
feeling lost in the midst of a crucial turning point,
and need some motivation or an advice or two...
Again, I somehow realized that perhaps,
I'm the only one going through things like this.

While surfing the net, I was reminded of a peer in school;
I remembered there's this time I make a complain about this peer,
right HERE, on this weblog, which I said that this peer visited my weblog just for the sake of patronizing me;
and also to say that her encouragement for me to blog more is for me to seek emotional and mental reliance on this weblog.
But now it seems like this had sort of come true;
this place is like a little haven for me to hide from the reality,
and I really hope that people, at this point of time,
still patronize my weblog.

Putting this aside, I must say that I feel less and less attached to the world,
as the days passed by.
Let me put it in this way: the lack of communication with the outside world,
together with the hesitation to reach out to others and the lack of confidence,
is somewhat pulling me away from the reality.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a world of mine;
a situation which is not in relation with the reality.
I tend to ignore whatever that's around me,
pay no heed to the people by my side,
not to mention about giving the least attention to crucial points in life.

Using the upcoming prelim exams as an example,
I tend not to be mindful of the dire consequences of flunking the exams;
instead, all that matters to me is how do I make myself happy,
and to ensure that I doing whatever that suits my will and heart.

Precisely, I feel lost.

Living everyday to see the sunrise of another isn't much of a motivation.
Like I mentioned before, I lack motivation and reason;
not just only that, sometimes I feel I lack a dozen other things.
Things as simple as confidence, support, clarity, strength, will...
I don't know why, but it seems like I'm getting nowhere out of everything here.
I don't see the point, I don't see the future, and neither do I see the future.

I yearn for a little spice in life-
to change things, to motivate me, or just as well to hold me on;
but it seems like this arduous journey is never ending.
I'm getting used to the life of a hermit...
but at the same time, I'm getting bored, I'm getting tired...
I'm getting afraid.

I'm afraid that I'll just plunge down,
never to pick myself up again.

But where can I find reliance, seek help?
Who would actually be mindful of me, and give me support?
What can I actually do to end this ordeal?

I'm tired, really tired;
tired of doing all these things without a meaning, a purpose, an aim.

At this point of time, some people that happens to read this might wonder:
Whining for so long, what's my situation?
The fact is that the situation shapes and change everytime,
and yet the effect on me gets bigger and bigger everytime.

I want a breakthrough. I want some change.

But then, I doubt who would actually understand me, really.

In that case, life goes on.

Evaluating Monday

2011-06-20T21:17:00.002+08:00

As the days draw nearer towards the prelim exams,
the study attitude and quota intensified.
Today I've spent some 8 hours flipping textbook pages and recollecting formulas...
and you doubt how much fun there is in it, and how could one survive through it.
It's not really much of an event, but it isn't a chore either.
It is, however, something that I think all of us should be doing now.

I guess I must have been missing lots of fun out there.
I'm not so sure about how my classmates are doing;
whether if they are burying themselves in books or enjoying the summer season,
but all I knew is I'm sort of lacking in time and speed.
The quota isn't enough to hit by the time the exams reach me,
and neither do my learning and revising speed is able to catch up with the rest.

I hope that majority of my peers are idling their holiday away;
at least that will give me some consolation of my steady yet slow speed of revising.
But the fact remains that most of them are spending like 70% of each day,
trying to stuff, memorize, recollect everything that is in the syllabus.
This, is just somewhat demoralizing.

But at least, I'm here doing my best;
no hard feelings against my conscience.

But either way out I guess I'm still missing out a lot.

I have always outline about the lack of motivation in my revision,
but so far I have yet to address this problem positively.
As shown in the picture above, I believe I really need a reason.
A reason, something that reason me to study, something to push me,
and most important, to motivate me to greater heights.
But then it remains a fact that I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it-
what a nice reason for me to do something.

These days I'm really concern about the things happening around-
the NATO airstrikes in Libya, the conflict in the South Sea,
and then the comments addressing the problems of housing and transport...
I'm kind of content with myself that at this point of time,
I am still able to connect whatever that is happening in real life to those case studies and values in my textbooks.
At least, to an otaku like me, it just justifies that I'm moving at the same pace as of planet Earth.

Many times I just can't help myself but to relate current affairs to my lessons.
I would basically refer it towards subjects of History and Social Studies.
Especially Social Studies, whereby you learn the basis of managing a nation;
learning about the principles of governance and foreign relations from the textbook,
it puzzles me that why couldn't governments, both local and foreign, do as according to whatever they tried preaching in their education syllabus?
'Leadership is key', 'Anticipate change and stay relevant'...
How true; it seems like actions always speak louder than words,
and these actions... always seem to be so hard to carry out.

And history. Looking at all the bloody conflicts around in this world,
it just signal to me that history is always repeating itself.
How big nations pick on small states, and how war and military is use as a bridge to achieve one's aim...
Whatever case studies I read in my textbook seems to revive everyday.
It's the same story, just that we have a change in the protagonists.

Maybe the problem lies with us; it's maybe a genetic factor.
We never learn, and we couldn't do as of we said.
It seems like we could make a mistake, evaluate it, and then repeat it again.
Same goes for our words; we speak of something this moment,
and then do something else the next moment.

It's the problem with nations, with government...
and I believe, with me.
Like big nations, I never learn from my past failures and mistakes;
and like governments, it seems tough for me to live up to my words all the time.

Well, may it be, and let it be;
because we are, after all, mere mortals.
We are simply a race that live an event and forget it the next day.
And yet again, perhaps that is the reason that we are able to start from scratch everything we fail or lose;
the past is never much of a concern to our progress towards the future.

And that, back again, is why we never learn,
or why I never learn to reflect and reform.

To evaluate and analyze all these here, is fair simple.
Outside, I can give a all-round-applause speech;
here, I can write a thousand words, like now, to reflect the situation.

But as I said, it's never the same when we try to put our words into action.
And I, here, can speak to great heights and extend-
but from where could I start my deeds to realise whatever that I've said?

Maybe, it's because that I'm part of mankind, after all.

And so, if I were to again, crash and burn in this exam,
of course I will wail and weep and cry and shout.
But I guess sometime later, no matter how hard the consequences are,
this incident will get bury by time and past.
At that point of time, I've learn to walk on, towards the future.

Precisely; never to learn from the past, and seldom able to realize my words;
without a target in front for me to progress towards,
what else is there, please tell me, that would motivate me to do my very best in securing a future ahead?

Boredom and Regrets

2011-06-18T00:09:00.002+08:00

It's considered to be late now, and I do feel kinda sleepy;
but there's this thought which keeps me away from my bed,
telling me that I should spend some time lingering around in the living room,
think or reflect upon some stuff before I retire for the day.

These days went by with the flipping of textbook pages,
the typing upon the keyboard, and the frequent writing and erasing of maths workings;
I wonder when was it whereby I last stepped out of the apartment.
I wonder how my classmates are spending their holidays;
this time round I don't really have the slow-paced feeling that a holiday will give,
and neither do I feel the stress that the upcoming exams should be exerting on me.
Instead, I just spend the days reading and reading...
maybe for the sake of the upcoming exams, or just to kill time, I don't know.

Sometimes I would watch some movies late in the night,
maybe as a form of self-prescription for the insomnia.
There goes all those science-fiction movies, Source Code, Inception, etc...

These science-fictions always trigger a question,
which I doubt I know or have the ability to answer.
"If there's this instance whereby times can be rewind,
or you can change something for the past,
what would you change?"

Err...
A lot of things came and went, and many incidents took place;
not many left happiness or fond memories,
but a few turned into nightmares that would haunt me for a period of time.
I cannot deny that I did many things which were regretful;
Some of them left hard memories for life,
others drastically altered the path of my life.

There's a lot of things I hoped to change-
like, try not to disappoint some people back then,
stop myself from being rude and disrespectful to some people,
make myself take upon another decision back then,
so on and so forth....
Sometimes I think and think and I came to this conclusion,
in which if I didn't want all these regrets and sadness from the start,
then the only thing I might try altering is to remove my birth from this world.

Ridiculous, but I wonder how much trouble and sadness would that save.

For much of my 16 years of life,
I live in regret, sadness, hatred, self-despise, and most of all, boredom.
For majority of everything I do, bad stuff happen somewhere,
and then I'm left with an emotional or physical consequence to deal with.
If nothing takes place, then I just live simply in boredom and emptiness.

After taking so many turns, meeting so many people, and going through so many situations...
I don't think I have yet to find my purpose, a soul mate, achievement, enlightenment,
much less adventure.
What came by and got stuck were instead regret, hatred, sadness.

Maybe it's due to the cause that I didn't think much before I do.
Perhaps it's due to the fact that I don't understand people, and neither do they really understand me.
Or it's just cause of my character, their attitude, or anything else...

I don't remember there's any good times attributed to personal effort.
Bad times, it's too much for me to list.

Currently I'm facing one of the biggest turning points in life;
yet, due to past incidents and circumstances,
I'm unprepared, unready, unorganised, uncomfortable...
I just hope that I wouldn't end up unsuccessful.

Having screwed up so much in life,
you just hope that this time round something pleasant will be the conclusion.
That's the kind of hope, and feeling I have.

I regret upon my social life, my personal attributions, my education...
I just don't want to regret over my future.
That's something that couldn't be regretful about.

But then, how am I going to survive this ordeal,
given the fact that I'm so badly beaten such that I lost most of my confidence?

Maybe, perhaps, times will be better, someday.

Wimpy Kid?

2011-06-15T09:58:00.002+08:00

And so, I spent much of yesterday night watching this movie series,
as shown in the picture, Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
The movie talks about a boy named Greg,
a middle school-er who tries to survive with his problems in school and at home.
Facing problems with his best friend and brother,
Greg faced up with friction with family and friend,
as well as trying to find his stand in the school as one of the more popular student.

This comedy-drama was humourous and educational,
as well as very much of a thought triggering movie.
While looking at how Greg tries to solve his problems and find his true self,
I can't bear but to relate the movie to my own personal life.

I don't have a brother who's a rocker nor a fat friend,
but it was the term 'wimpy kid' that put me and this movie on the same platform.
At times I find that I have much to relate with the protagonist of the film,
but at points I do find that Greg himself have much to consider himself as all-rounded and happy.

I don't know how would others view themselves by watching this film;
but I have this feeling that I'm just like the protagonist of the film.
The kind of feeling whereby you try to do something to prove yourself worthwhile,
yet ending up with unexpected experience and outcomes that you never thought of.

The term 'wimpy kid' still lingers in my mind.
After watching the series of movies, I tried asking myself,
"Am I a wimpy kid? Is my life like as depicted in the movie?"
However, I rather choose not to answer this questions.

I have to admit that I am related to the term 'wimpy kid',
but after facing all these situations and troubles for the past three years,
I guess more or less, even if I were once a real wimp,
I have changed to be so much different than ever.

The plot, though it should be a comedy, were much of a heart-relater;
the time whereby I faced trouble in mixing with people in school,
times whereby I tried to prove myself worthwhile in school,
times whereby I tried to communicate with my family,
times whereby I did ridiculous stuff with my brother,
and times whereby I tried to relate my feelings and thoughts for a girl.

Well, I don't know why,
but my life is rather similar to the movie.

Today, I wonder how many of those 'cool boys' and 'cool girls' in school,
would relate me to the term 'wimpy kid'.
I wonder, how many would still look down on me as before.
And I wonder again, how many would despise me, and look at me with scornful eyes.
Well, at this point of time, it doesn't matter anymore.

Going through the struggles to find oneself,
and the hard times to overcome the prejudice in school;
as well as the ability of leading a platoon towards success,
achieving distinguished honours for the company and starting a new era...
Sometimes people say as times goes by,
these stuff wouldn't matter anymore; you'll have a real life by then.

But it was the survival and adaptability through the hard times that kept me going forward.

Wimpy kid or not, how does it matters?
Sometimes I would tell myself that I am who I am,
but well, it's always the views of others that keeps you a distance from success.

I remembered once a classmate of mine, a female,
asked me why I wasn't the parade commander for the national day parade last year.
(my CCA was in charge of the parade last year)
She then later asked me if it was because that I'm incompetent to do so.

I gave her a slap in the face for this wimpy comment.

I once had an aide-de-camp and a platoon of 27;
my aide-de-camp later created history by being the first assistant to be promote to a senior specialist;
my men won pride and honour for the company by achieving the best results in the past four years.

With this, I don't really think I'm anywhere near a wimp;
having train and lead a platoon of heroes,
I feel like a hero now.

Teh-O

2011-06-13T15:37:00.002+08:00

"It's just like this cup of Teh-O, you see.
At the beginning before you start drinking,
you have thoughts and questions about this cup of Teh-O-
its sweetness, fragrance, temperature, or perhaps, bitterness"

It's a clear sunny afternoon whereby I was at a coffeeshop for lunch,
together with Oliver, a platoon mate of mine.
I've always felt that this gentleman is much unique from everyone else-
he seems to be able to understand in a more profound perspective.

"Halfway through, you get a rough idea of things.
You taste the Teh-O, you know it yourself;
its sweetness, its fragrance, its temperature, or perhaps, bitterness...
You get an experience of it, and is starting to make a conclusion.
You know what is going on by this time."

After a hearty meal of chicken rice,
Oliver tried explaining his perception of life,
using the Teh-O that he is sipping slowly.
He feels that the way you see life, at certain extents,
is inter-related to how you do things in life.

"Then later, with half of the volume of Teh-O gone, you start having a perception.
You can treat, and see this half cup of Teh-O differently.
Some says it's half-filled, others half-emptied.
Through the tasting of the previous half,
whatever you taste, whatever you experience, whatever you felt...
you evaluate differently- half-filled or half-emptied."

I concur;
sometimes, life is just so simple that it can be represented by such layman stuff.

"Then as soon as you realised,
you drank the remaining half away.
There's nothing left of the Teh-O, the cup is emptied;
you finished your tea, it's the end of it."

Isn't life, all filled with different feelings,
just like this cup of tea?

"Life is just like this cup of Teh-O.
At the start of everything, you have certain views of thoughts.
How is it going to be like? What will happen? What awaits me?
Little questions trigger your curiosity to find out more.
And hence, without hesitation, you plunge directly into it- life."

And as you begin to experience things-
an event, a situation, an incident, a series of activities, a saga...
You have an experience, you have some after-thoughts.
You went through part of it, you gain some knowledge of it;
you know it better, you understand it deeper.
Some things might be beyond your expectations,
while some, not up to what that was expected.
Maybe at times, things seem to be hitting the target.

"And after savouring half a cup of Teh-O...
You know how it taste like, how it feels like.
Life, for you have went through much and discover, understand, enlightened;
you may choose to stick to the old plan, or maybe, developed a new perception.
At this point of time, you begin to evaluate this life;
how you evaluate it, depends on the previous tasting."

So, some choose to gulp down the last half,
while some decided to sip it slowly.
But a handful of them, finding the tea so nice that they stick to the old way.
There might be a change right now-
the tea at the bottom is thicker, or maybe, sweeter;
the drop it temperature may also result in a more soothing feeling.
But because of the previous half-cup, you might not feel and taste so.

"Without knowing, you're seeing the base of the cup.
The tea, is finished; life, has come to its end point.
And that's it! You've finished this long lap, or should I say, teas session?"

Life, have always been so, isn't it?

"Schoolmates, subjects, teachers...
At the start, you wonder what is it going to be like.
When it's halfway through, experience led you to make a judgement-
half finished, or half left.
Then, without knowing it, you have come to an end.
That's it, after all!"

As Oliver compared life to a cup of Teh-O,
a thousand memories begin to playback in my mind.
The taste of the various cups of tea I ever tasted,
as well as the cups of tea I'm savouring right now;
not to forget about the cups of tea awaiting me to try out.

I thought of whatever that came and went in life;
but what that first came to mind was you.
You were a great friend, one friendly person, one memorable classmate.
The tea session then had been tough and unpleasant-
yet, the tea was fragrant, the temperature was all right, and, it's sweet!
Since then, I have went through various situations, and met several people;
though tasted a dozen cups of tea, but that little volume of earl grey...
It's fragrant, it's soothing feel, it still lingers...

And all the other cups of tea I've tasted.
Some I have regretted; regret for trying to taste unpleasant tea,
regret for not trying to appreciate a good cup of tea.
Some I have enjoyed; a soothing cup of green tea that really refreshed me,
a chilly cup of iced lemon tea that cools everything down in hot summer.

Been it, tasted it;
what's drank, is gone.
All I could do now, is to really go learn to appreciate every cup of tea.
And perhaps, add some sugar to make it sweeter.

But then, that was the summer of '69;
you have always been the most wonderful cup of iced lemon tea.

"And so, you finished it.
But, the taste, the fragrance, it lingers...
leaving an impression in your mind."

Books

2011-06-12T19:04:00.002+08:00

I've always have this special affinity with books;
with genres ranging from historical accounts to science fantasy,
and literature classics from different eras and countries.
But for a start, I would like to recount this affinity from my first book:
a pictorial book featuring vehicles.

My childhood interest lies only in Lego and the TV;
and hence, in order to broaden my perspective and understanding of my surroundings,
at age 3, my parents brought me my first book.
It's a pictorial book, featuring vehicles and transportation-
trains, lorries, buses, cars, bicycles, motorbikes, planes, etc.
Till today I still remembered the reason that I've chosen this book-
I was amazed by that special Police Vehicle designed for speeding duties.
So, they paid the cash, and I got the book.

Then they started loading my with different kind of children's book,
basically hoping for me to have some improvement in my reading skills,
as well as developing reading as a good hobby in me.

In Primary School they had this programme called the 'Readers' Award';
the school made it a policy for students to bring a book to school everyday,
and read before lesson starts or during morning assembly and recess.
At that point of time I began to buy my own books, with my own pocket money;
Robin Hood, Ivanhoe, 10000 Leagues Under The Sea...
And every morning I'll just read the English off the books,
not digesting the content or absorbing into the plotline.
Times happen whereby I can read a book,
and don't a single sense out of it after reading some 800 words off it.

The real chemistry took place during my first visit to the library.
As mentioned before, the first book I read was titled 'Winston Churchill';
surprisingly I made every single sense out of that book.
Since then, I began to make weekly visits to the nearby library;
borrowing historical accounts and literature classics of various era.
It seem kind of weird to people that I'm reading books that are beyond what seem to be of my comprehensive level-
even my mother seems to be a bit confused, and perhaps, annoyed at my actions.
She thought that I'm merely looking off the black-white pictures;
and that, she believed, would not help to do anything to improve my English.

At age 7, I never get bored with historical accounts and critical essays.
Before my eighth birthday I'm familiar with so many historical figures;
dictators ranging from Adolf Hitler to Qin Shihuang,
revolutionaries Sun Yat-sen all the way to Simon Bolivar,
famous military commanders such as Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar,
and also many other Presidents and Premiers of great nations.
But surprisingly, I was never interested in scientist and inventors.

It was the 'four books a week' that not only earned me my Readers' Award,
as well as a great deal of knowledge that many deemed to be useless.
At age 10, I could list out the list of dynasties ruling China in chronological order,
having the knowledge of major Chinese battles at my fingertips,
as well as World war II, American Civil War, and some other fun stuff.
Nearing my eleventh birthday I've developed an interest in politics,
all due to the influence of various policies I read in historical accounts.
Besides all these, I gained knowledge of different religions in this world,
as well as some interesting facts of how name of certain things came about.

I'm not exactly a bookworm, after all, those books in childhood are largely related to history and politics;
but I do have to say, I gained a great deal of knowledge out of them.

I remembered there was this time in Primary Four,
when my form teacher, a Malay-Muslim lady, was doing an afternoon class.
She was then teaching some extra facts to the class about religion and religious harmony in the country.
When she went into Islam and the Crusade, I went on elaborating with Muhammad, Saladin, and the Ottoman Empire...

That took her by surprise, and the class, by shock.
It was then that I realised, hey, I do more a little bit more than everyone.

But alas, these knowledge are not traditional subjects.

My affinity with books seems to start fading when I entered Secondary school;
but I continue to read up articles and accounts on historical figures and events,
as well as analysing and studying various political ideologies.
Napoleonic Wars, rise of Prussia, Venice, Florence, Genoa....
and then Socialism, Marxism, Republicanism...
it seems to many that I'm some kind of weird kid wasting my time away on unconventional stuff,
but well, that's where my interest lies.

Surprisingly this affinity with stories and books didn't end here.
At Upper Secondary I realised my interest in writing discursive essays and historical critics,
and that greatly aided me in my English and Humanities subject.
I wrote a couple of narrative and novels in Chinese-
and they're published on the school's essay collections.

At a point of time, I have the thought of publishing a story in the future.

I believed that I was born to have something to do with books;
this affinity, I would say, is a gift.
But sadly this gift didn't really much help me in my science subjects-
but it do helped me amassed great knowledge of this world.
It seems amazing to some of my peers that I'm so 'knowledgeable',
to a point that I can mention some of the world's famous battles,
major events, major figures, and even the history of China in chronological order...

But well, sometimes it seems like what I'm having at my fingertips,
are actually, useless in aiding me in my pursue of education.

But all and all, this fondness for books never fade;
so does my passion for writing.
Though I might not be able to enjoy all genres of books,
and my writing abilities may not be up to standards...
But this affinity with books, with writing,
have led me to aspire of becoming something to do with books and stories in the future.

To L.A.

2011-06-10T15:43:00.002+08:00

The lonesome and quite holidays brings upon a form of serenity;
the kind of silence that one requires to clear his thoughts,
in his very own personal space.
But on the other hand, the same silence gave much space for pondering;
pondering over the past, the current, and the future.

Along with this ambience, the forsaken past haunts me.
In the midst of savouring a Geography chapter,
I would like to take some time out,
and then plug in those earpieces playing Jazz,
and lie on the cold floor, closing my eyes.
With the opaqueness of the eyelids covering my sight,
memories began to playback, and it seems like the past have revived...

From the day I start to remember something onward,
I vividly remember life wasn't much of a pleasant to me.
Childhood revolves around playing with toy rifles and pistols,
and a dream of being a cop in the future.
Back then, my parents would pamper me with toys-
M-16, MP5, grenade, riot shield, and even my very own set of 'police uniform'...

Those were the days.

Then came to a time when I was about 6 or 7,
I entered the library for the first time in life;
and I remember clearly, the first book I borrowed was title 'Winston Churchill'.
Since then I aspire of being a politician,
bring change to the current system, making improvements for the people.
However, my parents would just simply laugh at my aspiration-
at times, I faced rattling and the cane for sticking to this aspiration.

Perhaps it was the smooth-flowing and ignorant childhood that made me egoistic.
I entered school as a proud, boastful and ill-mannered individual.
But somehow I manage to survive the first wave of schooling days;
it was my conversation abilities, and that thick-skin that kept me surviving.

Of course, things weren't very well after all,
and worsen during secondary school days.

I remembered clearly, that other than the childhood dream of being a policeman,
I didn't have the support of family of friends regarding everything else;
ranging from dreams, aspirations, all the way to CCA.
Dad and Mum would shoot me down, and Bro would just wait to see me screw up.

Till today, whereby I harbour the dreams of being a novelist,
and to see my stories turn into great films casting big celebs...
Reality, family and friends weren't there to give me a push.

The lack of support throughout 16 years of life stripped me of my confidence.

At earlier times I tried to do things on myself;
there is a stubbornness in me to prove everyone wrong.
I want to prove to my parents that I could excel in the choice I made,
I want to prove to my brother, that I ain't that useless as he sees me.
So, I went on to make terrible choices in life.

I've never excel in the choices I made; I screwed up my CCA,
I screwed up my personal relationships, I screwed up my teachers.
Or should I say, I've never excel in anything I do?
Perhaps that was what that made my parents rebut my aspirations;
maybe they knew it was the wrong choice, after all.

I've always yearn for the taste of being champion- champion for anything.
But there seems to be curse that I would never emerge champion for anything;
I don't top the results, neither do my looks stands out of everyone,
nor do I have real talents to make me look outstanding.

Putting that aside, I've always got the feeling that something is missing in life.
Taking at a good look at people around me, particularly my peers;
They have what that I perceive as 'needs' for a teenage;
Love, CCA achievements, good results, and a bunch of good friends.
But... I seem to have nothing?

I tried not to admit that I'm a loser in life; a fact since I began to mature.
I tried not to think about whatever that others have and I don't...
I tried not to think abut my past failures, which drastically altered my path of life...
I tried not to think about the people I have screwed, and my bad attitude...

But they remained as reality.

Times and times some people gave me chance;
chance to improve, chance to change;
but everytime I will screw them.

Perhaps, that was the reason why I keep on failing in life: I never learn.

A couple of things hangs around in my mind;
how my form teacher tried to reformed me,
yet I screwed him up, and also screwing his subject;
how my friends tried to change me, but I screwed them up,
and they left me eventually...

Sometimes I wonder why life keeps on screwing me.
Then I realised in fact i was screwing too much in life.

I never had the support of people around me;
and in addition, neither do my actions and their outcomes give me faith.

I dare not ask for another chance; I'm somehow, defeated by adversities;
yet if chance allows, I only ask for a much simpler life than this.

Yet, life goes on.

Return

2011-06-09T16:27:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but there is a sudden urge pulling me back here-
a place which I have forsaken and a site that everyone has forgotten.
After all, I have to admit that this is where all the feeling goes;
this blog have followed me through the hardest of times.
It must have been the feeling to shout-out,
that pulled me back here.

A lot had happened since the temporary-hiatus;
the same shit happens but just on different days.
School, homework, extra lessons, and...
Well I think my life basically just revolves around work.
And well, in a fortnight's time the first round of exams are coming,
but it seems like I've yet to be prepared.

I lost track of time- I don't know where I'm standing,
neither where am I heading, nor what am I doing.
It seems like I lost every reason and meaning for me to do something productive.
A simple 'why' just visioned everytime I ponder over to do something.
And life, became mechanical and routine;
you live everyday simply for the sake of living it.

My concentration shifted all the way onto schoolwork ever since the passing out.
With my discharge from the Corps, the cellphone seems to quieten down.
No more business, no more questions, no more requests.
Except for a few times whereby some classmates have questions regarding Humanities.

And well, previously the boys used to take up much of my life.
Every Friday, and also days whereby events are up on the list.
A few days back they faced the biggest turning point of their career;
attending the Specialists' Course.
I must say a handful of them produce astonishing results-
we got our first Award from a Phrase Two Course.
And a handful of Second Sergeants.

I must say as their previous Platoon Sergeant,
I took pride in their achievements.
After all, these people served under me once;
not to mentioned that I selected the next batch of leaders.
But yet, there are still a few rotten apples in the basket;
but thankfully, they ended up well.

At this point of time I'm having mixed feelings.
On one hand, I feel happy and proud;
the Sergeant Major, a couple of Specialists and some outsiders,
once said that this platoon will fail and crumble under me.
It seems like I've prove them wrong, or should I say,
the boys helped me proved them wrong?
Now this bunch of faggots can shut the hell up.
The boys, they succeed.

On the other hand, I wonder at this point of glory,
will the boys still remember me?
I wouldn't claim credit towards their achievements and outcome;
it still, after all, depended on their own perseverance and enthusiasm.
Those that did well, congratulations.
But well, to say a word of fact, I taught them, I trained them.
To the shiny apples, I plucked and polish them.
To the rotten apples, I never gave up on them.

Will they still remember the old master that see them through,
or thank themselves fully for the outcome?

Till now, all doesn't matter after all.
I've done my job, I've fulfilled my responsibilities.
At least, I got the dignity to face the Commanding Officer.
At best, I could walk with my head high.

Leaving a legacy, leaving a story? I doubt so.
At the start of the New Era, how many would remember the figures of the Past?
At the point of victory, how many would thank the guiding of the Past?
At the achievement of greater heights, would they remember, that they are scaling this world on a giant's shoulder?

Who remembered me-
for my deeds, for my sins, for my memories, of my legacy...
it doesn't really matter after all.
Life goes on, things move on- they've grown up; it's all up to them.
Leaving any respect for the old past, ha, it's not worth it.

For chance once let me lead a platoon of elites.
Now, I look forward to service in SAF and French Foreign Legion in the near future.

永别

2011-04-09T13:08:00.002+08:00

满腹经纶，出口成章；
不盼能够借此成名于世，
只愿在茫茫人海之中，有一位与众不同的贤士，
能每次细细揣摩我的文字，并与我的想法产生共鸣。

千金易得，知己难求；
我想，每次手指在键盘上轻轻弹起时，
最盼望，最希望的，就是能够有一位贤士，
能够明白我的心声，了解我的思路。
每次来到这里，并不是哪来的雅兴，或哪来的突发灵感；
而是觉得在这世上，可能还会有某个人，
能欣赏我的文字，体会我的心情，了解我的处境。

不过，想着想着，我看，每人会理会我想说的话。

既然没有知音，没有知己，
那我的文章，是写给谁看的？
作家会如此积极写作，并非他对创作深感兴趣，
而是他知道他写的东西，会有人欣赏，会有人用时间去细读，
会有人了解他的看法，会有人与他产生共鸣。

既然如此，无论是满腹经纶还是才高八斗；
我看，写出来的这些废话是无人能理解的。
写了，也没有意义。

所以，就此决定，再也不写博客，再也不创作了。
这，应该是本站的最后一篇文章吧。
就此“封盘”，除了学校作业以外，
以后无论哪来的鬼也不写了。

诸位，就此停笔；永别了。

应许之地

2011-04-06T17:15:00.003+08:00

几百年前，他为了逃避家乡的饥荒与国家的战乱，搭上了这艘船。
他没有一个目标，但心里却充满着希望；
他非常明白，上帝将指引他，到一个新的开始。
船在海上漂浮了无数个月；每当他站在甲板上，
看到的是一望无际的大海。

有一天清晨，他被船舱外的喧哗吵醒了。
走上甲板，看到的再也不是一望无际的大海；
是一座岛，是一个港口，一个人山人海，泊满船只的港口。

曾经因为家乡的战乱而对生命心灰意冷的他，
如今从获希望，对人生充满了憧憬。
这里，将是他衣锦还乡之处。

这里，是上帝对他的应许之地。

几十年前，他为了逃避国家的保守与压迫，搭上了这只飞机。
他没有一个计划，但心里却有一个目标；
他非常明白，上帝将指引他，到他想达到的目标。
飞机似乎飞了大半个地球；每当他往窗外望，
看到的是宽阔无比的天空。

数小时之后，他在机舱里的喧哗下醒来。
往窗外看去，再也不是那宽阔无比的天空；
是一座城市，一家机场，一家泊满飞机的机场。

曾经因为国家的动荡不安及保守而对人生失去意义的他，
如今有了一项计划，对人生充满了信心。
这里，将是他质的腾飞的地方。

这里，是上帝对他的应许之地。

南下北上，新客旧客；
无论他们来自何方，他们都有着同一个理念：
这里，是上帝对他们的应许之地。
在这里，他们将逃避各种灾害、战乱；
得到的，是安稳、舒适的生活。
这里是梦想的起点，这里是憧憬的开始。
这里，是他们的人生舞台；
这里，是他们创造奇迹的地方。

时间一转眼就过去了。
旧客的子孙在这里落地生根；新客也变成了这里的旧客。
旧客也好，后代也罢；他们每天所经历的，
是一个一尘不变、压力紧迫、令人窒息的生活。
从前旧客的希望之地，成了后代的四面墙；
从前新客的梦想之地，成了一个无法实践的憧憬。

昔日的盼望，成了今日的厌倦；
过去的憧憬，成了现在的失败。
他们都怀疑，上帝对他们开了一个很大的玩笑。

他们齐心祈祷，希望上帝能够真正兑现承诺；
给他们一个他们在几百年前就盼望的应许之地。
他们坚信着，奇迹始终会发生的；
会有一位牧羊人，领着他们，
去开辟上帝对他们的应许之地。

好多年过去了；旗帜也飞扬了好久。
牧羊人，始终没有出现；
换来的，是连年的痛苦、及当地沉重的赋税。
不过他们并没因此而绝望；
他们坚信，牧羊人最终会来解救他们。

因为，这里毕竟是，上帝对他们的应许之地。

不过，随着光阴的流失，
虽然他们已经两翼斑白了；
不过，牧羊人，也即将诞生了。。。

想当年

2011-04-05T20:15:00.003+08:00

又是新的一周，但却是同样的时程表。

这两天来得无所事事，不过却有另一种感觉，
就是明天开始这时程表会排得满满的，
也就是说我可没有闲暇的时间去做些有的没有的。
换一句话说，现在是我的闲暇时间。。。
问我在闲暇的时候会干哪些事，我会说无；
毕竟我现在也时无所事事，没有目标。

人在无聊的时候就会想些有的没有的；
不知为何无聊的我想起了两年前的往事。

两年前，我可风光呢！
我说啊，十四岁那一年应该是自己觉得最骄傲的时候。
那时的我，不止是一名运动健将，成绩也是班上名列前茅的。
身边围绕的是一群知心的朋友；
生活，那时就觉得很愉快。

两年啦；好多好多事都改变了。
跑不动了、发胖了，成绩，也迅速滑落。
身边的友人，都东西各自飞；
留下的，也许为我独自一人吧。
记得以前我有一位好友，他暗恋着我另一位同学；
所以呢，我就常常做他感情上的军师。。。不过是失败那种。
现在呢，他与另外一名女子正在热恋中；
我俩呢，从昔日的挚友。。。成了今日的陌生人吧。

不知吧，还发生了其他负面的改变。
印象中有一位同学，常常与我吵架；
就好像这吵吵闹闹就是一种生活习惯。
偶尔有些谈得来的话题。。。
不知她怎么想的，不过总觉得她在生活中扮演重要的角色。
哈哈，还真怀念那些时候。

不过呢。。。
今日却成了陌生人，少了那份“敌意”，
生活中，似乎缺少了哪方面的启发。

还有还有，以前那一大堆有说有笑的友人。。。
昔日的食堂依然存在，但不知今日还存着当年情？

曾经写过吧；
在这个转角与他们道别，
最希望的就是能在下一个交叉口与他们重逢。
虽然已各奔西东，不过那些日子，
却是一生中无法重复的夏日时光。
好怀念，好想念啊！

如今，在这个转角遇到的游人，无法谈上心事；
不过总觉得，下一个交叉处，会有不同的转机。
今日，还有铭哥他与我一起共餐；
将来呢，与铭嫂感情稳定了，
看来我又要回到那独自啃面包的日子。

变了质的东西，无法挽回；
但我相信就算是结束了，
依然可以从头再来。

从回忆中醒过来，发现那原来只是一场遥远的梦；
唉，无论如何，日子还是要过的。

阮的心事，谁人知？

2011-04-02T14:44:00.004+08:00

好些时候没来这里了；
有时，真觉得此地是我唯一可发挥那一点点本质的地方。
也罢，也罢；
反正想想，应该不回有人会在乎这里的文字吧。
各有各的去忙，有谁会在呼我这小角色的心声？
哈哈，也罢，也罢。

最近时间过得比较紧凑；
有太多的事去顾虑，
所以也没多余的时间在茶余饭后到这里废话两句。
大伙儿可想哥吗？
哥却想死大家了。。。

生活近来过得比较平静；
少了一份热闹，多了一份严肃。
我想，有时问题是出自于自己吧；
哥可是个独行侠，少跟一些交情浅淡的路人甲混在一起。
也可说是哥的个性怪僻吧；
这种情境和思想，少有人会跟哥有些共鸣。
还是那句，千金易得，知己难求啊！

离预考和会考越来越近了，
但是这种烦闷的生活却使哥越来越累。
大概是对生活的一切感到厌倦了；
无人了解的心声，无人明白的心事。。。
越存越多，越叠越高，哥的精神可快崩溃了。
少了旁人的鼓励，却多了一分不甘的寂寞；
我想，也因为如此，斗志也渐渐减少了。

顿时在生命中失去了方向，
失去了对生活的憧憬，
失去了那一切让哥有理由向前奋斗的东西。
也罢，也罢；
一生，就这样平平度过了吧。

生命如此，必有其因；
也许，后头还存着些惊喜呢。
不过看看当下的情况，
哥还没走到另一端，就会被淘汰出局了。

也许，生命就是如此吧。

少了一切，我还有哪些往前走的理由？

读史有感

2011-03-29T18:27:00.004+08:00

又是每周一次的周会了；
学校趁着青年节的到来，利用周会来给学校的表演艺术团体，
在我们这些同学们前作彩排。
也好啦，是想借用周会来给他们一种在众人之前表演的机会吧？
不知道；不过我这种学子呢，
则会利用周会的时间来K书。

今天老师给全班一个历史小测，
所以一向对各国历史及文化充满热诚的我，
便对这次小考的到来感到十分期盼，努力钻研，仔细揣摩。

在周会上不停揣摩汗青的我，突然产生了一种想法：
古人为何要编撰史书？现代人为何要钻研历史？
过后又想想，发奋读史书，是为了借用前车之鉴，
还是只是为了考取一张漂亮的成绩单？

曾经有一名伟人说过，一个不了解自己的过去的人，
将会失去他的文化，无法与时并进，成为一个落后的人；
只有了解及领悟自己的过去的人，才能开辟更辉煌的未来。
看来，我今日钻研历代皇朝的兴亡，也是为了此理由；
古人编撰史书，是希望借用往事，
教导后代如何走向更大的成就。

以铜为鉴，可整衣冠；
以史为鉴，可知兴替；
以人为鉴，可明得失。
为何要以史为鉴，为何要了知各朝兴替？
学史、编史，到底有何意义存在？

翻开那厚厚的历史课本，
里头密密麻麻的文字、黑黑白白的图片，
虽然看上去可是一尘不变，但它们身后却包含着深大的意义。
历代皇朝的兴替、大国的崛起及衰落、英雄的现身及时势的开辟。。。
血流成河的战乱、兵荒马乱的年代、人心惶惶的日子。。。

纳粹德国、共产苏联、法西斯意大利、大日本帝国。。。
这些，都是史书上常常出现的字眼。
我想，为何要把人类文明中这段血腥的日子，告知我们？
看来，其实编撰史书的学者，也是为后代用心良苦啊！

史书中的一切，教导我战争是现有的和平的代价；
过去的几代人，用鲜血及生命，
开创了一个昔时无法成就的太平盛世，
还给了后代一段安逸平静的日子。

今日拾起史书，细细揣摩其中的文字，
是要告诉自己，和平得来不易；
更要提醒自己，要以史中的例子为鉴，
不要犯古人犯过的错误，误了自己，误了社会，误了江山。

前事不忘，后事之师；
以先人的经历为鉴，来协助自己开创更为辉煌的未来，
看来，这就是史书存在的目的吧。
以过去的种种提醒自己要珍惜现有的一切，
好好保存它们，并把他们发扬光大；
从过去的错误，学会解决今日的难题，
确保过去的失误不会再犯；
看来，这就是我们转眼历史的原因吧。

随着国家的突飞猛进，国民变得越来越功利；
苦读十年圣贤书，就是为了换取一纸步入社会的文凭。
犹如黄河长江滔滔不绝的青史，近日在我国沦为文凭上的一个等级。

埋头苦读，发奋钻研；
会考上笔头写到烂，就是为了文凭上的一个等级。
一个A1，还是一个F9；
我想问问看倌们：
如此用心，是为了等级，还是青史的教训？
而在老师下课行礼之后，我们学会的，
是如何离等级更进一步，还是学会不去犯古人犯过的错误？

读史，是为了自己，还是为了人类的文明？
我们最终学会的、领悟的，何去何从？

倘若我钻研青史就是为了一个等级，
那将枉费我读了十年的圣贤书，换来的只是毫无领悟的一纸文凭！

看《埃及王子》有感

2011-03-26T18:09:00.002+08:00

昨夜心情不好，多喝了两杯；
之后入寝时，梦见了一位牧羊人。
所以，就不知是哪来的冲动，
今早一起身，就想看那部三岁时看过的《埃及王子》。

这部电影讲述着《出埃及记》里摩西的故事；
其中的来去就不用叙述太多，相信各位都知道。
第一次看这部电影时，才三四岁，只把它当作一部普通的动画影片，
无法领悟其中的道理。
隔了十来年后，再次看这部电影；
同样的故事，同样的人物，却有不同的领悟。

本是一部很简单的电影，但其中包含的道理，
却是如此的深奥、如此的非凡；
相信其电影的魅力，就来自于这里吧。
那时只把它当成一部动画片的我，在荧幕前目不转睛地看着那美丽的动画；
隔了多年在从新看过时。。。
感觉，可是那么的不同。是温故知新吧。

看完之后没有哪些观后感可表达；
只觉得，如果制作人是想借这部电影传教哪些道理的话，
那他可说是非常成功。
没有太多的话可说，就觉得，
看了之后，似乎领悟了些之前无法了解的道理；
人的心情，也顿时变得轻松多了。

不想在这里叙述故事的经过；
只想说，看了之后，
会带来一种振奋人心的感觉。
摩西对自己的使命表现了极大的责任感，
也在寻找自己身世的时候领悟自己与生具备的使命。
相信，这个遥远的故事，这部多年前的电影，
各位看了之后，能从中领悟些道理吧。

那种心境，是很难用笔墨来表达的；
只有看了这部电影的人，才能明白我的意思。

有很多很多的领悟，相信无论用哪些词汇在这里叙述，
相信看倌们也无法能够完全了解我想传达的讯息。
所以，在看了这部电影之后，
我想藉着自己的那微薄的本事，
去帮助其他人。

Because we perceived, that's why it shall be; because we believe, that's why it will be. For nothingness is the beginning, colours bloomed, because those who believed added them. I am, that I am.

闭，

2011-03-26T01:10:00.002+08:00

变了质的东西，难以挽回；
就算尝试去挽回，那也毫无结果。

我不知道，我不知道；
为何，每次都是我的错？
看来，一直以来，我的存在，也应该是无关紧要的。

我这小小的人生舞台，演员不多；
一人的离开、一人的加入，影响重大。
对别人来说，或许，我的戏份可有可无；
但对自己而言，别人的戏份，生命里的每一个人，
都一样的重要。

那种 "dejected and rejected" 的感觉，
我不知多少人经历过；
不过，每当有一位演员的离开，或是另一位的强行加入，
都会造成这种心情。

可能，我的出发是有点偏向，话是有点偏激；
不过，当一个人，哪怕是哪一个人，
在那种时候说出那种话时。。。
我想，我真的崩溃了。

历经那么多，每一次，
对每一个人来说，我的情形，是不重要的。

我无法感觉到那种情感。。。
那种，那种关怀，那种尝试去了解。
不知道；可能，我没那个价格让人去费时费力了解，关怀。

不过，我很多时候想根生命中的每个人说：
我也是人，我也有感情，我也有人的本质。

看啦，说过不要发牢骚，现在却又在发牢骚了。
我哭，有谁知道？
就连笑。。也无人来一起分享那份喜悦。
人说，我应该换一个角度看世界；
为何，人却坚持用自己的角度来看待我？

算了，算了；
今晚流多少泪，无人知道。

变了质的东西，我想，常使挽回也是毫无结果的；
想让不应该发生的事发生。。。
我想，反而，会让自己陷入更惨的困境。

没有那种缘份；
看来，这辈子，只好永远对着键盘打打按按。

尝试过吗？尝试着去明白过吗？
还未换角度看事，我就立即成了千古罪人；
每一次，每个人，也是如此。

Why?

算了吧；
反正，说那么多，有些事情，
却是永远无法改变的。
我对身边的人。。。
要求，也不要那么高，那么多。

毕竟，他们可以选择不去理会我的事。

此后，我将立足何地？

一开始，就很清楚某些事情的经历结果；
尝试去改变，反而，会弄巧成拙。

今晚后，就让我，自甘堕落吧。

因为我想，无人能够了解，能够体会。

不甘，不满；
这，也是人生。

纸巾多来一盒吧。

说，

2011-03-25T23:48:00.005+08:00

副官曾在我倾诉人生琐事时说过一句话：
生命中有些事，是永远无法忘怀的；
引为其中含有太多值得回忆的记忆。

说的，也对，也对。

每次到这儿来，十次有九是来发牢骚的；
不是那个学业太过沉重，就是那些伤心事发生或再次被唤起。
那种人生，和其中的人生态度。。。
我已厌倦了啊；好想有一次的突破，有一次的改变。

每次来此就是为了发牢骚，
有些辜负了一手文笔；
不过，有哪一次除了此处、除了键盘，
会有其他的人伸出一个援助之手啊？

如今，在寂寂无人的深夜里，
其实最想你能够跟我多说两句；
不过每次都看似你无法了解我的处境、体会我的心情。
所以，我一直以来都认为，
你也只不过是把我的种种当作是我在小题大作罢了。

然而，你曾未知道，
又一部分值得难过的理由，
源自于你。

还记得生日前夕你向我祝寿；
那种二十一世纪的科技方式，
让我再次觉得，这份友谊之间，
似乎各这笔科技更遥远，更深远的距离。
两人，明知对方的存在；
却永远无法看到，或接触到对方。

那，应该说是一种无奈。

你常鼓励我把情感发泄在此处；
有时对我而言，
就听似我的文笔才艺唯建立在发泄和牢骚上。
那在某种程度，是一种侮辱吧。
不知道你是在网上太无聊，或是没事做，
只好来到此处，打发时间。

你常鼓励我把此处当作发泄之处；
令人感到无奈的是，
我的朋友，你明知我本人如此、如此难过，
为何不能近一种为友人的本份，说两句安慰话呢？

那所谓的“友谊”之间没有相同之处；
但过去的种种经历，种种回忆，
让我无法放手于这段令人难以忘怀的友谊。

难道，我就得如此，永远对着键盘发牢骚吗？
每逢佳节，收到祝贺的不是我，
而是那很少响起的手机！

“一人当作之宝，一人看待如草”；
副官的话，句句有各自的道理。
回想起来，那么重视那些所谓的人生高潮低谷，
这些令我学习无止之处、之回忆，
对你而言，只不过是一阵不留之微风。

好了，牢骚也牢骚完了；
但有何人会在乎我的感受呢？
还不是当作某篇垃圾作文，读读就算了。

那让我看似无价的笔墨本领，
一时之间化为没人想了解的牢骚。

牢骚完了，依然没有那种安慰、关怀。。。
是要从头再来，还是继续堕落？

然而，你曾未知道，
你的一个回头，对我这个独行侠来说，
可能就是最大的安慰了。

You Doing Your Best?

2011-03-21T22:31:00.003+08:00

I always have the concept that all human beings are actually 'employed' by various people, companies or corporations throughout their life;
In every phrase of their life,
they are mainly on a task that they refer to as their 'profession',
if not in layman's term, a job.
All of us have a job to do, all of us are professionals in it,
and therefore, we are somehow or rather, employed.

As the term 'professional' is always applied on someone holding a particular job,
eg. A handyman is professional in all sorts of fixing service,
I therefore believe that this job is one thing that controls our life,
making drastic changes over it, and influencing our daily activities.
I always see that there is a purpose for the existence of each and every profession on planet Earth,
and I believe that all of us, regarding which area of profession we are currently in,
we should be doing our best in our jobs.

I am a student myself; I define 'student' as my job,
and studying as my profession.
At this phrase of my life, I believe studying is the only profession I can choose,
and given another choice or not,
there is always a reason that I should be doing my best,
or evening excelling in the areas of my profession.
I holds the skills of solving problems towards different kind of subjects,
analyzing question types, and inferring from various contents;
these are my areas of profession,
and I believe I have to do my best in them, because it is a certain form of professional ethnic that I need to uphold.

In this case, the very first principle, including every other profession,
is responsibility.

Why do I say responsibility?
The profession that we are currently engaging in,
having direct correlation with the prosperity of our life.
As we know, we 'make a living with what we does',
by being responsible in doing our job and performing at tip top condition,
we are actually being responsible to ourselves,
as well as those that plays a major part in our life, ie. our family.

Doing our best in whatever profession we are engaging in,
is not to answer towards any parties, or sought after certain outcomes.
We do our best, is because we understand the correlation it has with our life,
and the various impact that it could take upon ourselves and people around us.
I firmly believe that if one part of life is private,
the other part of it is always exposed to the public.
In this case, I refer the later to as our profession.
Since it is something that we exposed ourselves to the open,
we should always do our best in our jobs,
not because that we are seeking after recognition or promotional chances,
but rather, we are displaying the sets of skill we possessed,
so as to answer to any calls of needs or helps when we are needed by the society.

Only when each of us is doing our best in our profession,
then in this case the society would prosper.
It indirectly affects us once again,
in which a smooth-operating society would ensure the least lost and cost in every service sector and amenities that we patronized.
By doing ourselves good in our job areas,
we are also benefiting the society in one way;
in which, turning back again, we are the ultimate beneficiaries.

As our profession is something that we 'do make a living with',
it is also something that we holds pride in,
and therefore we should always believe in the purpose and purity of principles of our professions.
There is always a reason for the presence of each and every profession in this society,
and there is always a certain perception that the society takes upon different kind of profession.
Be it a good perception, or a bad perception;
we should always portray ourselves well in our job arenas,
and show a good attitude towards our profession,
and do the best of of it.
Through this way, then only we can earn the trust and cooperation of everyone in this society,
such that everyone will be able to gain benefit from this cycle ultimately.

Of course, there are certain image that certain professions should always portray;
and all the more we should uphold and preserve the image that the society see us as.
As students, we should upon the values and morals of what a learner should always possess,
and to portray the purity and humility as a knowledge seeker.
Donning the school uniform is not just only a government plan,
but rather, an assurance of the nation in us as the future leaders of the country.
On most of our knowledge seeking journey that last more than a decade,
we should always do our best in our so-called 'profession',
by trying our very best to strive for excellence,
and to uphold and preserve the good image of what the society have of us.

There is never a time that a profession stood low among others,
neither a time whereby there is not a need for any profession in this world.
Be it a low-wage repairman who earns a living with labour,
a highly paid professional who earns his dough with his knowledge,
or a student on his way in the adventure of knowledge seeking...
No matter which job arena we are in,
or which profession we are into,
we should always do our very best to strive for excellence,
not for our own sake or purpose,
but in the big picture, to benefit the people around us,
and in a greater outlook, to play a part in benefiting the society.

Talent

2011-03-19T21:58:00.003+08:00

Of dancing kings and dancing queens,
Great vocals, deceptive acts;
The wooden platform, and the limelight shining,
Skills displayed, of alluring blaze.

Middle of nowhere, I study here,
An average place, of average people.
But so not average of what they possess;
Hidden tigers, crouching dragons,
You never knew, what's behind the scene.

Take that school uniform away, and put something else on;
A blazer, a suit, or just a tuxedo.
With a mike on the hand, or just soft shoes worn,
Fly and shine! With whatever it takes.
Astonishing moonwalk, amazing voices,
it was what, that they called, 'gift'.

Born with nothing, I hold a pen;
I pen my thoughts, there goes bottles of ink.
I picked up a keyboard, I type my feelings;
Words of hatred, transformed into sentences of thoughts.
"Great job there," praise some of them,
"Get it off" yelled some others.
But never will I give up on it,
"It's a life skill", I got to earn a living with it.

Of dancers and singers, scholars and leaders,
Never will I, raise my head high.
But there goes the headlines, with great sadness,
"Of actors and actress, what have the world become of?"

Never was I shocked to see that article,
But I felt unfair; unfair for the world!
For four years of learning, I met various;
Of various people, of different secrets.

Hiding behind them, they shall never flaunt,
"It's just something extra", they brush it off.
With such mediocre skills, and immature mindset,
How could one be, called a star of tomorrow?

I felt unfair, I felt unjust;
To what kind of status, have the world become?
How I wish the country reads this,
To understand the truth, to get know of the secret.

Of all dancing kings and queens,
Great vocal, deceptive acts;
Where are all the talent scouts,
when they're supposed to be there?
Only to look for such quality,
And with that, it explains,
"That's why, our entertainment business is gloomy!"

A prize given, a fame earned;
To my peers, it means recognition of true skills.
But to him, what it matters?
I doubt nothing but boastfulness and flaunt.

I have no skills, no born with any;
But I hope with my keyboard, I tell the truth.
Please, open your eyes, my world;
And come to see, the truth behind things.

Of dancing kings and queens,
Great vocals, deceptive acts;
I have no gratitude to praise their skills,
But only, with this keyboard,
I hope to path a way,
For their Talent.

A Day In Life

2011-03-17T22:57:00.003+08:00

And the days just went by;
doing work in the day, then maybe you'll watch a movie in the afternoon,
and evening you'll go back to work to tie up the loose ends,
and then surf the internet, before you end the day in front of the TV.

And the holidays are ending soon, just like that.

I feel that my life reminds me of a movie I watched sometime before;
Taxi Driver, some old American film during the '70s.
My life was pretty similar like the protagonist-
you lead everyday without an aim, and then, there's some thoughts you have,
but it just can't be carried out.

Oh, whatever; I'm used to it.

And I spent most of yesterday and today on work,
then watching a couple of films, and then Facebook.
Those news feed on Facebook does piss you off at times;
it's not about all the emotional posts or status,
but by looking at the pictures uploaded by others-
it just tells you how suck your life is,
and then how they are leading a life so much better than yours,
in other world.

And then you'll see some 'significant ones' smiling for life,
but the reason is not you.
What else can you do other than heave a sigh of despair?

But you never knew sometimes,
what kind of joy and surprise these social networking sites brought onto you (:

The things that were really on my mind nowadays,
are stuff like Maths, noodles, and then extraterrestrial life.
Sometimes I wonder whether if there's any other form of existence of life out in the vast universe-
and I wonder, are they like the arseholes in those alien abduction movies,
or like the cool autobots in Transformers.
It's real exciting if there's certain form of extraterrestrial out there;
maybe, like, autobots?

Ah, enough of the crapping; I don't even know where I'm getting to.

Perhaps I should learn to appreciate my life,
as of the way it is currently.
In the story of my life, there's no major turbulence;
there's not much characters in this story,
and so, maybe it just helps to cut down on the problems and troubles.

It's after all,
a self-acted, and self-directed movie of my own.
I wonder, is this way good for me, or is it just doing harm unknowingly?
I don't have much to care of, much to worry about, much to think of...
But I'm walking alone.

And if this is a movie,
then when will the female protagonist come into the screen?

Just can't say it

2011-03-15T22:00:00.003+08:00

It's been some time since the last time I'm here-
life's been pretty normal and peaceful;
I don't really see a reason of blogging anything that serves no inspiration.

The weekends passed by quietly,
and then, the first two days of the week was spent in a camp.
Now there's some time left before start of the new school term;
I guess these days will be spent mugging away.

Obviously there will always be a reason for me to come here;
this blog serves as a portal or platform for me.
A portal of communication, a platform of showcase.
Thoughts that I felt that the masses should know, it'll be here.
Feelings that I couldn't find anywhere else to release, it'll be here.
Woes and tears that no one bothered, I guess this blog gives me a listening ear.

Heartfelt words that I shouldn't be saying, all said here.

For a long time there's some message I want to convey,
and certain words I feel like saying-
but then i just couldn't do it.
Or should I say, I'm not courageous enough to risk it-
risk blowing up the current situation to get to my aim.
Even though the current situation sucks,
but I guess it's better off this way;
better than deteriorating to something worse.

Sometimes I guess I have too much troubles;
and all of these comes from myself.
I think I'm problematic; in a sense that my life is full of problems.
Often I feel like pouring all out on someone else;
but well, others have problems of their own.
Who is that free to listen to what i have to say?

And life goes on like that, since day one.

I must say I'm getting used to it.
Living it off without the moral support, or the emotional comfort.
I mean, who cares man; my words were never words.
Like it or not, at this point of time I'm already used to it.
Maybe I'm just numb, or some sort of immune.
But then, the pain is forever.

I can understand how some people view me as some sort of outcast,
away from the world, whining away and no one cares.
I wonder what are the definitions for care, concern, and love.
I was never cared for, hence I don't care for others;
I was never a concern, hence I only concern myself;
No one taught me what was love, thus I live life without it.

I guess, it's just a process that I have to go through.

There's a lot that I want to say.
But I know, they'll never listen, she don't care.
So, I put them all in my heart.

Though I'm used to it, but I do want a change.
An escape from the current situation,
or some sort of breakthrough.
Life's too miserable if it's like this till judgement day.

Saying a ton of crap here,
I guess actually what I want to say is,
I do hope that you'll notice,
I do hope that you'll see,
I do hope that you'll care.
Maybe, your presence in life is something too significant;
maybe, by fulfilling all these, the flowers of life blossoms.

Because that is all I ever wished for in life;
to know that, at the end, at least you'll notice.

Carpe Diem

2011-03-11T21:56:00.003+08:00

As I was reading about all the natural disasters happening today,
and then about the crisis in Libya and the Arabian world,
a strange thought rushed into my mind:
What if, today is the last day of all existence,
or tomorrow is the end of the world?
And then everything will be gone like that...
never to come back, never to return...

Then I began to wonder,
what are the things that I'll really regret if the world just ends like this.
I guess there's a lot of things that I either procrastinate,
or didn't have the courage to do so,
shall be the ones that will be of eternal remorse.
Things like not studying hard enough for my exams,
things like not making full use of every bit of time,
things like not clearing up tensions or misunderstandings I have with people,
things like not doing my duties in class well enough,
things like not saying the truth when I'm suppose to,
and things like...not telling or expressing what I really, really felt.

To think of it, it's really a whole ton of regrets-
a list of things that I never bothered doing,
or a list of things that I'll procrastinate towards the never-coming tomorrow.
There have always been a sort of feeling telling you that you ought to carry them out,
but in the end it just ends up back in square one.

I mean, if really some sort of nuclear war happened,
or some sort of meteorite crashed upon Earth,
or some serious tsunami just swallow everyone up...
Then, there will be no chance to remedy or make up for anything, anymore.
It just stays as thoughts that were never put into action.

Pulling myself out of my silly thoughts,
I feel a sudden sense of urgency when I'm back in the real world.
The urgency to get things done, the urgency to do it right;
the urgency to say things out, the urgency to say it well;
the urgency to clear things up, the urgency to make it clear.

And the urgency to tell you what I deemed as something I shouldn't be saying.

Now my point here is that,
time waits for no man, and then, you'll never know what might happened the next moment.
You never knew if anything would take place, or anything would just change-
it happens at such instantaneous speed that you'll never be fast enough to react.
And after that, you'll start regretting...

Whatever you are procrastinating about, get it done right away.
You never knew, what might happen and you'll never get to do it again.
Whatever you feel like saying, seize the opportunity to convey it.
You never knew, what might happen that you'll lose all chances of saying it.
Whatever you feel like doing, then get it done...
because opportunities don't knock on the same door twice...

It just seems like anything could take place anytime,
and we'll just lose everything in one instantaneous moment.
Time awaits no man, and opportunities only comes knocking once;
seize the time, grab the opportunity, get it done, get it said.
Whatever that you'll feel lethargic to get done,
do it quick, do it well; before it becomes an eternal regret.

Typing till here, I wonder if these silly thoughts of mine,
will lead me towards doing silly actions...

But well, I hope the ones who read this,
will get what i am trying to convey.

Because well, time passes too fast, and the world is so everychanging;
we don't have much space for any regret.

Cyber Wellness

2011-03-08T19:55:00.003+08:00

It doesn't really matter if some inconsiderate netizens play punk on my blog;
trying to find trouble and loopholes with my posts,
and worse still, pollutes my tagboard.
I mean, I welcome freedom of speech.
Anyone degrading me on my own tagboard means that I must have done something wrong,
such that I offended someone.
I can accept it, all the lame stuff and whatsoever.

But not using your name, that's it.

It doesn't matter too much if they're coming at me...
I'm so used to all these nonsense by uncivilised people.
But not using your name;
not using it as a joke, not using it as a form of punk play.
It's just an insult to you, and a form of disrespect.

I mean, when some netizens got any problems with me in real life,
they should just deal with me alone in real life,
not hiding behind the computer and acting like a coward,
using aliases and worse of all, your name.

I mean, I don't mind anyone trying to find trouble with me...
but not getting my friends into the picture.

I think I know who you are;
I don't really have much enemies, and not many people visits this blog.
But then, why getting my friend into the picture?
Haven't the school taught enough of cyber responsibility?

I don't like it when some netizens tries to be an asshole and do something funny;
worse of all, using my friend's name!
That's such a huge disrespect to another fellow netizen, and my friend!

Well, I just hope netizens can practice some form of cyber wellness-
they ought to know what to do, and what not to.

Quality and Quantity

2011-03-07T21:19:00.003+08:00

It's just like another 'All's well ends well' story...

I don't know, but well, it's been too late to come-
but better late than never.
I mean, to my clearest memory,
this piece of cloth was what my fellow mates and I sought after since 3 years back.
Back then, we're still young and innocent-
to us, it was what that represents everything, or maybe most things,
that you would be in this company.

It was all a series of struggles, and office politics-
I've seen the deepest and darkest of all edges of life;
the good, the bad, the kind, the cruel.
Back then in my journey for fame and power,
I think I lost a lot of that innocence that I supposed to have.

It was hard and terrible truth a year ago,
when i have to come to realise that I was reduced to nothing-
no longer in the competency to strive for excellence,
no longer in the position to vie for the best.
I was, reduced and trampled, further away from square one;
typically, all my merits was washed away in one moment.

There came an 'exile' order by the previous Commanding Officer;
I was appointed to train the elites left over by my predecessor.
It was all laughter and joy, as mentioned-
what matters from then till now,
is the process and experience, not the outcome.

Today when my comrades told me that I'm getting that cloth;
that piece of cloth that got me gaga years back...
well, I don't feel the joy, and neither do I feel the sense of achievement.

Through the months that passed by,
I guessed I really learned a lot.
Well, there's a lot of things in life that couldn't be measured by quantity;
they can only be perceive by quality.
I was so was my effort put in and treatment received from the company;
what really matters isn't the quantity that they gave me,
but rather, the quality that I presented, the quality I received.

Being able to lead a team of elites,
and work with one of the most intellectual comrades...
I guess it just outweighs that five chevrons and a coat-of-arms.
Having it or not, it doesn't really matter;
my quality is not represented on the chevrons sewed upon my sleeve,
but rather, the obedience and respect I gained from my followers and peers.

I'm not thrilled by it- totally.
Using this, I just hope that readers can understand,
sometimes, it is not achievement and effort put in;
certain things couldn't be measured by the quantity you put in and receive,
it could only be weigh by the quality of the whole process.

I mean, I can get an A1 on my CCA report,
but then it's just kind of pointless when no one respects and listen to me.
Conversely, I can fail my CCA report,
but certainly I don't fail completely when I still command respect among my men.

I used to think that it was chevrons that represented everything-
it took me a lot of hardships and effort to understand the truth behind it.

At least, I understand now.

And I remembered when one of my elite asked me if I'm getting a promo,
this is what I answered:

"Staff or sergeant, in the end I'm still your Boss."

Chevrons or not, A1 or not;
I am still who I am;
it makes no difference after all.

The satisfaction of life is accumulated through quality,
not built upon quantity.

Legacy

2011-03-05T11:34:00.003+08:00

Perhaps one of the greatest moments in my life,
was to be able to lead a platoon of 27 men, each of different personalities,
and having a intellectual as my aide-de-camp.
I'm just a mere student, so are they;
bu together we make a formidable team, I guess.

I possess nothing, I have none;
but for one moment, I commanded the obedience of 27 people.
Like it or not, they followed my every single word-
but it was not for naught.

I ain't a great man, nor am I a good leader;
but for a moment I commanded great men and leaders.
Different personalities serve the Corps under my guidance-
raging from strictness to a joker to the core.
Even though a minority might be jokers,
but they're the one who brought laughter to the platoon.

As compared to my predecessor,
I guess my efforts are inadequate.
Perhaps I've never done enough to realise their potential;
worse still, I might not done enough to prepare them for the next phrase of their career path.
But I assumed most of them enjoyed the moments together;
ranging from utmost strictness and discipline,
to joking and laughing away,
together.

I don't really think that I've done a good job.
And I don't think I've done much to help most of them.
But it is, and it will be, these moments,
that lingers in the memory lane,
till the die I withered and die.
A mere little failure in school like me,
was given the opportunity to lead and spend time with great men and leaders...
I guess, that's more than enough, more than everything.

And days ago I was still talking to my aide-de-camp,
"Well, do you think our effort is adequate?
Do you think I have done enough for them, for the company?"

And he said calmly,
"I guess at least we done a pretty average job...
well, we left behind a legacy among some of them."

Alright, all right;
it doesn't really matter much, whether I've done great to change them;
but well, I believe the moments we had together,
will leave behind legacies...
not just only in them, but in the company, for generations to come.

I was never ever given chances to do something;
other than this time.
For a moment, there was something that I stood proud of-
the order and discipline of the past was what I used to brag about.

You guys gave me chance, a chance to show, a chance to portray;
I wonder how good, or badly, I fared in your hearts...
but well, at this moment, it doesn't really matter.
Having able to guide you all through times and moments,
I guess it's all enough, more than enough.
But I would like to say, thank you for giving me chance,
to do something, to show, to portray.

I don't think I've done much to make anything better-
but what lingers in the aftermath is the seasons in the sun.

It's now time to fly, to soar, to achieve;
and time for me to step down, to see how far you guys could fly.
I think, the moments are coming to an end soon;
now, it's your time, to create legacies of your own.
leave behind nothing, no regrets, no sadness...
but legacies.

And once again, the proudest moment of life,
and the most memorable, till the day I withered and die,
was not the times I stood proud in front of everyone;
but rather, it was, with the presence of the 27 elites,
that I stood proud in front of myself.

Perhaps I didn't really done a good job,
and maybe, these moments are mixed of smiles and frowns;
but well, it is what that lingers in the memory lane,
till the end, till eternal.

Why

2011-03-04T23:10:00.002+08:00

It has never been, and it'll never be.

I don't know why I'm coming here to crap so late at night,
but well, there are a few things that I hope to discard in the cyber world,
and then, start everything afresh the next day.

But well, how much can I say? How much can I post?
It invites nothing but trouble.
Frankly speaking, perhaps the existence of this blog,
is merely a platform for me to escape from reality temporarily.
I mean, well, my writing skills ain't great to nowhere;
and then, no one seriously gives a damn about whatever feelings I portray here.

I ever thought of shutting down this blog,
and then, maybe just lead a life that spends lesser time on the computer.
But then, this little blog have transformed into a form of reliance.
I'm too reliant on it to get myself moving on;
because other than the keyboard, no one else cares about whatever I feel and think.

There's a lot I want to voice out.
Views, ideas, thoughts, perceptions, and most importantly,
feelings.
But I believe that no one else cares so much;
to many, I'm a mere supporting cast in the story of their life,
and even worse, just a nobody.
many wouldn't care-
even if they did, it's just a little pat and then a few words of console;
sort of entertaining me to stop me from whining.

It doesn't really cost a lot to make me feel happy.
All I need is genuine care, and maybe, a listening ear?
But no one else cares, and no one likes to listen.

Maybe the cyber world is the only place,
whereby I feel that at least I'm something.
This blog, is my fantasy land.

How much I want to say the three word,
or how much I want to voice my opinions.
But well, no one cares. I wonder why.
Maybe, perhaps, I'm just too insignificant.
My role, is too small.

Even I don't see what purpose I am living for.
Even I don't see a purpose of my efforts.
Even I don't see a reason why should other care about me.
Well, I don't need that kind of slight pat you'll give an acquaintance.
I think I'm better without that.

I don't know, I don't know;
I feel so dejected in life.
It just seems like there's nothing much I can do.
It just seems like no one bothers and care.

Everyone, or sometimes, every girl, said the same thing to me.
"Hey, look around there's friends who care about you."
"Hey, wait patiently, and you'll find the destined one."

And yet, you guys didn't care like how genuine friends cared;
and yet, you girls never appreciate at all.

I'm real tired of this.
But fret not, though no one bothers,
I can't possibly end my life for this.
Be it God or Allah they call Him;
He put me through this, I believe, for a purpose.

It's just that I don't see the purpose of it.

But well, I guess life goes on- no matter what happens.

But heck, I had enough of this lone ranger survival.

But why me who go through all these,
being unlucky and unhappy for 15, near 16 years of life?

Frankly speaking, I've never been genuine happy through these 15 years;
because nothing really happened to make me smile.
And I've never been genuine angry-
at least, I'm tolerant enough with all the bullshit around me.

But then, I guess frown for most of my life.

Life Driver

2011-03-03T19:33:00.002+08:00

It's been a pretty average week;
not too much work, and then, pretty average.
It seems like things are going a little low after the CTs;
you receive lesser work, then the pace slower down by 1 or 2km/h.
It's not enough to catch a breather, but at least it's better than nothing.

Of course, having so much time off hand isn't really a great thing.
Without homework to keep me company,
I'm pushed into deep thoughts whenever I have some idle time on hand.
And then you'll start thinking of whatever you can think of under the sun...
Yeap, and those negative ones.
So, it's not pretty good after all.

I'm not looking forward to the March Holidays;
for sure there is a pile of holiday homework awaiting us.
I just hope that I could use these few days to regenerate,
and then get prepared to tackle another wave of work and stress.

So without all those usual buddies to bother you,
something else will start taking over them,
and get you vexed and frustrated over them.
Without work to keep me thinking,
you'll start thinking otherwise...

It just seems like every little thing I see can push me into deep thoughts.
People using smartphones, iPods, laptops;
and then friends sporting together, brunching together;
then later you see pairs of couples walking in and out of class.
You just can't stop thinking otherwise-
you know, I live my life without what many deemed as a necessity.

I wonder if its that I'm numb, or just tired-
these things that prick me like needles in the past,
seem to be a lot less painful than before.
Perhaps I'm used to the kind of life I'm leading.
But that doesn't stops me from thinking otherwise.

I always believe that everything takes place with a purpose.
Well, perhaps these mental tortures are here to hone me for the better.
But well, sometimes its just unbearable-
you couldn't stop yourself from asking,
"Why is my life so?"

I'm so used to walking at my own pace.
I never slow down, or speed up for others.
After walking alone for ages, you'll be so confident of yourself-
or rather, your footsteps; you know they're secure and steadfast.
Rather, it is others footsteps that will get you distracted,
and lost pace of your own steps.

Sometimes I look at how people console and care for each other-
how I wish I have that too, rather than a pat on the shoulder,
just to zip my mouth and stop my from whining away.
But now, I guess there's not a need anymore for such consoles-
I've learned to deal with life and everything alone.
Independence, adaptability, I don't know.
At least I can do everything on my own.

And so, as the time goes by,
I get deeper and deeper into my own world...
and then, further and further away from everyone.

In the past I used to wish that,
some people would just turn their heads and looked at me-
it's a sign telling me that my existence matter.

Now it doesn't matter anymore;
like Oliver, I'm happy with what I am now-
the contented thinker living a carefree and self-paced life.

And the sun rises, and it sets;
life goes on, without fail.

^^

2011-02-27T16:43:00.003+08:00

实不相瞒，我是你的忠实粉丝；
从第一次听到你美妙的声音时，脑子里的想法就是：
你需要一个伯乐；一个欣赏你、可以帮助你的伯乐。

今天在好奇之下，
便去听听你那“新发”的单曲。
歌声依然如此美妙；余音绕梁，三日不绝啊！
听着听着，又觉得了少了那伯乐，
你这份本领也就永远被埋没了。

想着想着，我突然想到：
那我自己的伯乐呢？

想到这里，我又在想：
咦，我哪来的本领需要何方伯乐去发掘?
想到这里，心里不禁阵阵无奈。

有时，总觉得自己在这世上是如此的渺小；
自记得存在是多么的无关紧要，多么的不重要。
自己，又有何过人一等的本事，让我在群人面前抬头挺胸？

本以为这写作至少能让我混口饭吃，
谁知人算不如天算，发生了这种事，让我的文字成了一切罪恶的导火线。。。
倘若如此，我还哪来的面子见我的读者？哪来的面子见我的恩师？

从以前胡言乱语，到现在满腹经纶；
活了十五年，这部落各就是我一生最大，也是唯一的骄傲。
我可是靠这键盘为生的啊！
若说是那位读者读了我的嚷嚷后而举报了我，
以至牵连了我的弟兄；
那么，我何来得颜面，去面对弟兄，去面对读者，去面对天下？

找不到伯乐，反而，找来了麻烦。
还害死了那么多的弟兄。

我自认是一个身怀无术的人；
可能，写写字、打打部落各，是我唯一能够自认为“本事”的吧。
如今，遭人泼了一桶冷水，我想，是否就此封笔？

但是，那一两个一直以来支持我的读者呢？

少了这个让我迎以为傲的部落各，就少了活下去的鼓励；
毕竟，这部落各告诉我，是少我还有着生存的价值。
有没有伯乐，已经不重要了；
但只要这些肺腑之言不要再害死人，也就够了。

想不到，我原本以为自己至少还有一项过人之处，
没想到，却惹来了满城风雨，害人不浅啊！
若调查结果告诉我，这部落各真是导火线，
我不止会封笔，还会维持武士道精神啊！

不过话说回来，我看好你；
将来就等着出席你的签唱会了！
加油加油！

(:

2011-02-25T22:34:00.002+08:00

I lost a lot today.
I lost a couple of things here and there-
I lost faith, I lost hope, I lost authority.
And some other stuff on the paper and on the shirt as well.

I walked home, sad and depressed.

And hence, I logged onto the same thing that landed me in trouble.
Without me telling, some knew what happened.
They knew. They saw. And at then, they kept quiet.

So I was on the same cyber world landed me in this pathetic state.
And some time later, you hear that familiar sounds:
the sound of a MSN pop-up, and a Facebook chat.
"Hey what happened? You okay not?"
"Hey bro, relax a bit, cheer up..."
"Aiya, heck care la; come, let's watch some videos..."
"No mater what, I'm always here, Boss (:"

I never knew I had so many people who care for me.
I always thought that i was all alone ._.
Not today, at least; they console and care for me when I most needed it.

Back then in the afternoon the mates were still quarreling about something.
We really, really strained our ties for another time. Unhealthy.
But well, because of this, we came together again.
We are all on the same boat; and we face it together.
The unity and togetherness, is backed.
The common viewpoint that we hardly shared, bonded us together.

I knew how much I've lost;
but I couldn't calculate how much I've gained.
It's seriously too much, just like the stars in the sky.
Each and everyone of them, shining brightly, lighting the dark, dull night sky.

I lost a lot.
But they were worthy.
These lost were worthy.
They told me something.
They taught me something.
They showed me something.

Tears gushed out of my eyes.
"You'll always be our Boss."
"Well if you want next time you can rant at me."
"Chill bro, you still have me!"
"We'll always stand by you!"

The world is so cold, so cold...
yet, it is so warm, so warm.

Even if it was my fault,
but you all came to my side when I needed your consoles the most.
Thanks a lot, peeps (:

Friends are just like stars in the sky.
At times you couldn't see them;
but you'll always know that they keeps on shining for you.

It's after all, a learning process.
Thanks a lot peeps, I really love you guys.

I love ya (:

给你

2011-02-22T23:12:00.003+08:00

致：曾经是仇人、后来是友人、当下是陌路人的你

我的朋友，多日没有聊天，不知你近来别来无恙？
已经好久好久没有转身与你谈天，
不知你最近过得如何、生活中有哪些有趣的事？

我想了很久，才鼓起勇气，来到键盘前写下这篇部落各。
其实，目的很简单，就是要把一些想跟你说的，却不敢正面说的话，
通过这篇部落各，来告诉你。
很窝囊吧？还是很无聊？
就请你不要见怪了。

还记得我们当初第一次碰面时，就起了争执；
大概是我们八字不合吧，才会从此闹出许多不愉快的事。
身处于同一个班级里，难免会有一些磨擦；
而就是因为当初没由妥当处理这些磨擦，才因此导致了许多误会。
小事化大，大事化得更大---
几把眼泪，几把鼻涕，那许许多多不愉快、不堪回忆的事，
回想起来，来让我有点后悔，至今还感到愧疚。

尽管如此，我可是因为这些不愉快的事而慢慢成熟的。
那些芝麻绿豆的小争执，却叫了我许许多多为人处事的大道理；
至今，我依然记得从中获取的教训，从中学到的道理。

不知为何，只要我俩一碰面，就非得有磨擦。
我不知这么说妥不妥当；我俩之间的友谊似乎是建立在这些磨擦上。
就连沟通的方式也要通过大呼小叫、你骂我喊的方式才能把讯息传达给对方。
渐渐地，这也成为了我中学时期的一份独家记忆，
叫我一辈子难以忘怀。

时间一长，我俩的友谊也淡了；
碰面的机会减少了，沟通的机会也自然减少了。
少了很多磨擦，也少了很多交流。
对此，我并不感觉不自然；
变了质的友谊，就如流往下流的河水，一去不回。

从前彼此顶撞，到后来可以心平气和说上两句。。。
到现在的陌路人。
感觉这就像是梦一场；
如此短暂，却给人留下某种深刻的回忆。
至今，依然无法王子过去的争执，顶撞。

在此，我只想感谢您；
感谢你给我的一切，教我的一切，让我明白的一切。
我知道，我在你眼里，并没有停留的余地；
不过我想告诉你，不管你怎么讨厌我，
我还是要感谢你给我的一切。
那些道理、那些领悟、那些体会。。。
看来，只有你能给我。

啊，真不愧是良师益友。

虽然我俩现在毫无任何交流；
不过偶尔想起那段你不想回首的回忆时，
总觉得这份回忆给我这沉闷的中学生崖带来了少许的颜色。
你应该觉得很苦；
不过对我而言，那是一份又青、又涩的回忆。

好了，就此停笔，与不赘言。
希望以后你在走廊上看见我的时候，
可以跟我打声招呼。

好让我知道，你还记得我着无名小卒。

曾经是仇人、后来是友人、当下是陌路人的我上

战战兢兢

2011-02-15T17:25:00.002+08:00

“战战兢兢，如临深渊，如履薄冰。”

一位同窗曾在课堂上与全班分享过这句警世名言，
借文章来体现世间险恶，人心难测，不得让人步步为营，
有如临深渊，履薄冰，一脚一步战战兢兢。

数周过后，我仍对同窗分享的这句话有着许多感触。

战战兢兢，如临深渊，如履薄冰。
我的一生就似乎被这句话给概括了。
经历过许许多多的大风大浪，身处于五花八门的陷阱考验，
让我看透了“人生”与“人性”二词。

生活的每个角落，每个事件，
让我从中领悟了许多为人处事的原则，和不少令人心寒的教训。
少年的我亲眼见过勾心斗角、争权夺利的场面，
让我知道人可以为了利益而背信弃义；
我亲身体会过以貌取人的事件，从而埋没了我的本领，
让我知道人是如此无知、懵懂。

我也看过许多其它令人心寒的场面。
一个人可以为了保全，而牺牲与自己铁血同当的挚友；
一个对上级忠心耿耿的下属，因为贪图权利，而将自己的上级出卖；
两个寸步不分的好友，因为外来的谣言，最终成了陌路人；
一个人为了使自己平步青云，而可以见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话，失去真诚。

三年来，经历和目睹的场面，
让我得到一个令人心寒的结论：
世间险恶，人心难测，与人交往就如临深渊，履薄冰，战战兢兢。

君子之交淡如若水；
以往的交情是如此高尚，毫无任何功利目的；
今时的友谊却名符其实入水一般，淡而无味。
处于这世间之中，让我逢事步步为营；
我不知道谁是盟友，谁是敌人。
盟友，可在以转眼间突从你背后猛捅一刀；
敌人，可在一瞬间内以笑脸欢迎你。

我无法信任我周边的任何一个人；
我非常清楚，他们虽是为了自身，为了利益，
可从我背后捅上一刀，让我防不胜防。

何人是敌？何人是友？
我分不清，说不明，看不透，想不通。
我不知道谁真心真意对我好，也不知到谁处心积虑要谋害我；
说我想太多也好，说我疑心重也好，
我只觉得，人的本质，就是如此：
人不为己，天诛地灭，可为了保全自身，而不惜任何代价，牺牲周边的人。

在人来人往的阳光大道上，来来往往的行人笑脸迎人；
这光明踏实的路让我步步都战战兢兢的。

唯有行走在一条不为人知的独木小桥上，
我才觉得脚步轻松、踏实。

Lemons and Lemonade

2011-02-06T15:23:00.004+08:00

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

I'm not the kind of person that believes in fate,
but certain events took place which told me of the existence of destiny.

So, what exactly is destiny?
As our dear Wikipedia defines,
"Destiny refers to a predetermined course of events.
It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual.
It is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the cosmos."

It just seems like there are certain things in life that we have no control over;
they are there before anything could happen,
and it shall stay that way, despite any actions done to alter it.
A lot, a lot of things have been related to destiny-
your life, your career, your future spouse, your kids, whatever whatever.
So, we should say, everything that is happening around us,
is no doubt the work of the natural order:
something that we couldn't change, and we shouldn't change.

I never believe in such stuff.
The young me 3 years ago always believe in the greatness of mankind.
"The inhabitants are the decision-makers."
I thought I could have things turn out my way,
I thought certain things could be shaped through hard work, determination, etc.
And I used to believe that everything lies among mankind.
It's nothing to do with natural after all, right?

Yet, a series of shit took place to prove me wrong.
Alright, not that much; it's basically just a few cases that I came across with.
I'm just wondering, isn't letting a kid at 15 going through all these a little too harsh, a little to mean?
But I think the almighty Lord believes that a defiant me needs to be subdue to the order of nature.

So, there's CCA, there's friendships, all the BGRs in my school, etc etc.
There are things that I deemed astonishing,
and also some that I find absolutely unfair.
There's a few individuals and events I would wished to explain in detail,
but to protect the rights of those involved,
I think I better shut my trap.

Now back home I would ask my dear mother,
"Why are things like this?
Why ain't the results like what I expected, despite my hard work?
Why he could live it off with no sweat,
yet I'm the one who is taking the shit all the time?"

It's all Man versus Nature,
but my parents, especially my mother,
never had a hard time explaining to me the rationale of life.
Mom is a firm believer of the course of nature;
having been through the hardest times,
she understand that all events in this world is predestined.
Hence, she often gave me the hard way:

"It's all fated, my son. It's destiny; there's nothing you could do with it.
So, you got to keep calm and live with it.
There's only one choice for you, and that is to take it."

Everytime when Mom said this, I will feel really dejected.
I felt as if, the world has abandoned me,
and then I'm left to suffer the retributions of all mankind.
That's unfair, that's unjust;
we were all born of the same human race,
yet why are our lives, our opportunities, our fate, so different?

Just as I was to rot and seek vengeance on mankind,
Mom would add another sentence,

"But son, it's not yet the end of the world;
When Life gives you lemons, make lemonades!"

Back then I didn't get the meaning behind this sentence,
but I knew there is great wisdom behind Mom's words.
I would say, the key to eternal happiness, lies behind this words.

As I grew up and met with more obstacles,
I grew to be more sour, more bitter, and angrier.
It seems like the world owes it to me;
and I'm bent on seeking vengeance, fairness from the course of nature.

For months, I have been living on a prayer.

But then, for no reason, things began to brighten up;
at one point of time, the magic of Mom's words finally worked.
And it worked like a charm.

It doesn't really matter who you are, or who you wanna be;
it doesn't really matter how you're born to be,
or how you're shaped to be;
what matters is, you have to make the best out of everything.

There's no way that everyone could achieve big stuff in our lives,
and neither could all of us earned great fame or make a huge fortune;
but the key towards a complete life lies in one simple question:
Have you done all you could with what you have?

I ain't born great, neither am I born for greatness;
I ain't a born talent, neither am I a shaped-talent;
I ain't born smart, neither am I a excellent student.

But like what Mom says,
When Life give you lemons, make lemonade;
despite the unfair circumstances I'm in,
I still got to make the best out of everything.

No matter if I'm able to make it or not,
whether if I'm able to succeed or not;
it doesn't really matter anymore.
That justice, that fairness... It doesn't matter anymore.

Because I firmly knew,
I'm making the best out of everything.

不倒翁

2011-02-03T19:36:00.003+08:00

跌倒其实无关紧要，而跌倒之后能够爬起来，也在预料之中；
关键在于在这漫漫长路上，是否还会再次跌倒；
是否能从上一次的经历中吸取教训，以防止再次跌倒。

人生不如意之事，长之八九。
在这漫漫的人生旅途上，有谁曾未身处险境，
而又有谁曾未面遇大风大浪？
败在人生挫折之下，乃是世人的家常便饭；
在这令人无时战战兢兢的路上摔了个跤，其实也不必大惊小怪。

能从挫折之中从新立足，也不是一件大不了的事；
知错能改，并从中吸取教训，都是我们应尽的本份。
明白事理、勇敢的人，在遭遇挫折时，都有能力克服困境，逆水行舟。
倘若一人连一个小小挫折都无法面对，那还留何勇气应付人生？

克服一次的困境并非坚强；
真正坚强的人是一个经历无数次大风大浪，
在身处多次险境、在身经无数次失败之后，
却仍然屹立不倒，反而越挫越勇的人。

人生的无形、黑暗、无处不靠岸，多时会让人感到厌倦；
而在身处此境却不感厌倦的人，并能够面带微笑继续前进，
必能克服种种困难，得到最后的胜利。

人生有哪次是一帆风顺的？
人生有几次能再一次的失败后而得到永久的胜利？
人生，又有几次，是顺从人意的？
人生，又在何时，会赐予我们永不退缩得毅力？

今天你肯能克服了某种困境，
但你不能不担保明天又将走尽风雨。
今天你可能走出了一片荆棘密布的森林，
但你不能保证明日又将踏上前往千山万水的旅途。

跌倒，必要爬起来；
又跌倒了，就要像从前一样，再爬起来；
漫漫长路，前头还有很多的绊脚石。

不要被接二连三的挫折给击败了，一定要坚持到最后。
因为你还不知道，旅途的终点，
究竟有何东西，又和人物在等待着你。

自己跌倒，自己爬。
跌倒受伤的，是那双脚；
带领你走向成功的，也是统同一双脚。

当一切功亏一篑时，只不过是从头再来。

我相信

2011-02-01T19:42:00.002+08:00

对面的阳光大道，行人来去匆匆，
而我却在自己的独木小桥上，小步行走。

一个月，一转眼，就那么过去了；
离会考的时间，也在慢慢倒数。
在短期之内我从一个放荡的少年，
变成一个百分百的工作狂，
功课、成绩、那所谓的六分，似乎成了我生存的理由。

一个十五六岁的青年，却拥有一种三十五六岁的成人的思想；
的确，那是一种让自己感觉浑身不自在，
却认为是最真实的自己的感觉。
我没有那种闲杂时间去想地太多，做些有的没有的；
对身处现实的我而言，目前搞好成绩乃人生的目标之一。

我觉得自己与相同年龄的少年大有不同。
少了一份年少无知的冲劲，多了一份处之泰然的稳重；
少了一份天真活泼的个性，多了一分明事明理的慧根。
少了同学们真在享受的青涩恋爱，多了许些孤单寂寞；
少了众人环绕在身边谈笑风生，多了一份独立自主的精神。

他们所经历的少年时期，我完完全全错过了；
我所走过的千山万水，他们应该未能走尽。

我经历的，其实不多；
我看头的，也非少许。
我明白的，并非全部；
我领悟的，乃是真理。

有很多话想一是之间统统都说出来，
但是心理所体会的那种煎熬，却是非笔墨所能形容的。

这煎熬，我独自一人在体会；
这困兽之斗，乃我一人在孤军作战。

有谁能明白我心里的感受？
有谁能体会我经历的痛楚？
有谁能了解我的那番有苦难言？
而又有谁，曾经是我所经历的过来人呢？

这世上，唯有自己最清楚、最了解、最明白自己。
看来，没人能站在我身边，伴我走过千辛万难；
没人能给我伸出一只援助之手，与我一起并肩作战。
难怪，人们常说，千金易得，知己难求啊！

但有谁能谅解我的悲惨人生呢？
这是一场悲剧，有几个人会坐下来，为每个情节痛哭流涕呢？
答案很直接，是没有！

尽管如此，又能奈何？
唯有仰天一笑，擦擦眼角的泪水，拍拍身上的尘土，继续往前走。

就因为没人会回首看我一眼，那我更不应该为自己的遭遇感到悲伤；
反而，我必须一鼓作气，坚持到底，永不退缩。
没人能注意我无所谓；就让我用我的成就，
来告诉他们，世上有那么一个人的存在！

将相本无种，男儿当自强；
汗青上的名相猛将，之所以能够流芳万古，
是因为他们能够忍辱负重，能够坚持不缩；
他们深深地明白，一时的低贱，并非一世的卑微。

今天之所以卑微，是为了来日明白尊贵难就；
今日之所以孤单，是为了训练来日那撑起天下万民的本领；
今日之所以寂寞，是为了培养那来日能够抵挡万难的精神；
今日之所以悲哀，是为了领悟人间快乐难得可贵。

时势定于天，态度在于人。
身处的虽然是危机，但只要拥有正确的态度，就能从危机之中看到转机。
许多东西的摸样就是如此；但人们可以对它又不同的评价。
相同的，处境的本质也不过如此；
是喜是悲，是祸是福，完全在于我们的态度，我们的看法。

人之所以能够成功，并非天赐；
而是他能够在天定的时势之中，把局势转为利于自己。

时势造英雄，英雄造时势；
谋事在人，但成事并非在天；
能从怎样的环境造出怎样的局势，完全在于个人造化。

我随时在等待，等待正确时机的到来；
我随时在准备，准备为自己成就一番轰轰烈烈的事业。

因为我总相信，总有一天，通过我坚韧的努力，一定会换我做主角；
全场焦点集中于我一人身上，台上为我独自一人独领风骚。

Awww

2011-01-28T21:41:00.003+08:00

It's been centuries ever since I last blogged.

Well, this is highly due to the increasing stress of a secondary 4 life;
life mainly revolves around waking up, homework, coffee and sleep.
So, you wouldn't have much of a spare time to do other stuff;
with the hectic 10-hours-of-school-daily, I doubt I could do something else either.

And it's been tests, piles of homework, projects, assignments...
I wonder its been how long ever since I took a break and have a kit kat.
You only get to sleep at 12 everyday, and you got to wake up at 5;
the quality of life just get worse and worse as the time goes by.

And the hectic lifestyle made me lose all inspirations for my writing.

I'm just wondering when I could actually have a good night's rest...
maybe during the CNY holidays, when I can sleep like nobody's business.
And perhaps I could get away from all the bullshit and crap... temporarily.
On one fine day, I still have to be realistic and deal with it.

And so, the dull life of mine becomes even more bland than ever.
It's not that I don't have a life;
it's just that i have a life that seriously sucks,
and I couldn't do much about it.

And without my source of inspiration from life,
I guess my posts will get more and more boring, and dull, and bland...
Maybe I should use the time on some other things;
better than typing each post on homework, homework, homework.

It's just one bloody year, grit your teeth and get through it...

Like what the Co-FT said on the first day of school,
'Adapt and Survive'.
I guess I can only adapt to it, then survive with it.

Ah, at least the weekends are here;
but there's a huge pile of work waiting for me.

Who gives a damn,
let me catch some sleep first...

逃避

2011-01-23T10:03:00.003+08:00

每个人的心中，都有一个阴暗的角落，一个难看的烙印。
在心灵深渊，每个人都有一个想要逃避、自己不想面对的事实。
无论嘴上是多么地服从，大家在心底，
难免对某些事物、某些人，有那么一丝的不满，不甘，不愿。

有的时候，这似乎是一场无尽的长跑。
远追在后头的是我们不想去面对的事实，
而为了逃离，我们也只能不停地跑，不停地跑；
直到累了、慢了、终究会停下来。

有时，自己也觉得自己好像也在逃离某些事，某些人。
但是，自己不想去应付的事，到底是何事？
自己不想去面对的人，到底是何人？
自己不想去接受的事实，为何事？
自己，还在逃离哪些东西？

这话我说不清楚；
就觉得在这生中，我一直在逃离，一直在跑；
逃到自己忘记是在为何而逃，跑到忘记自己是在因谁而跑。
当初担心害怕、无勇面对的，是何事、何人？
昔时无法接受、不甘不愿的，又是何事、何人？

逃避了十六年，逃到连在为何而逃也忘了；
不过那份恐惧、那份担心害怕，日益增加。

自己无法去面对的，终究是他人，还是自己？
自己无法去接受的，终究处于他人，还是源自自己？

是自己太过害怕，而逃离他人，
还是自己无法面对，而逃离自己？

我究竟，为何而逃？

当时的无勇、昔日的害怕，是今日的我，失去了自己。

原来，一个错误的决定，可带来无穷的祸害。

现在，失去方向的我，何去何从？

逃避的，是无情的你，是残酷的现实，是迷失的自己。

Someday I'll be Saturday Night

2011-01-22T19:03:00.004+08:00

Caught up with a hectic schedule and homework that piled up like a mountain,
I couldn't really find myself any leisure time.
The only time I get to sit in front of the computer, then do a bit of crapping,
is during the weekends, when I could really get away from urban stress temporarily.

These days hadn't been any better;
as usual, school sucks and shit happens all the time, which seem to be unavoidable.
Now that's life for you when you're near a decision-making-point;
somehow or rather this is the very year that will decide my fate for the next 20 years to come.
It's crucial; I should be putting my heart and soul into studying,
but it just seems like the whole chunk of information wouldn't get into my head.
And so, well, I could only take a step at a time.

Have been down with ill health these days;
this adds on to the struggle in this hectic and busy life.
It just seems like a continuous cycle-
wake up, study, sleep; wake up, study, sleep.
They say this process will go on for a year,
and will bring you great benefits;
I couldn't care less after all.

Yes shit happens all the time,
but definitely sometimes there's something that will make your day.
It's like, after a long day of shit and crap in school,
something happen that makes you feel that all the shit and crap is worthwhile.
Though this doesn't happen all the time,
but it serves as a form of motivation when I'm near the 'breaking point'.

And there...
next week is a week full of test and homework.
Not even a month and I'm already feeling tired of all these-
am I too weak-willed or is it just the system's fault?

Sometimes I don't see the point of education in today's society.
But my parents do; "It's a necessity," they say.
I mean, when there's a graduate in every 10 out of 10 people you meet,
you don't really expect education to bring you anywhere in life.

A bachelor's degree act as none but only an entry ticket.
An entry to the society, so that you can earn your stand there.
Without that degree you wouldn't be anywhere;
but having it doesn't means that your future is secured.

This is the kind of life that we are getting now.
A rat race; survival the fittest.
You couldn't expect a certificate or grades to bring you to great heights;
you have to be innovative, you need to know to shake the right hands,
you need to know to scheme and plan, you need to find chances.
Only the smartest and the strongest shall survive this society.
The others, either you get ousted, or you work under them.

Sometimes I cannot bring myself to the fact;
to the fact that I'm so, so much inferior to others,
not just in terms of physical looks,
but brains, planning, social relations, abilities, etc.
I mean, with or without a certificate to buy my entry to the world,
I still don't see anyway that I could make myself stand high among everyone.
Compared to most people, I'm inferior in most aspects.
So well, I just have to live with it.

Certainly there's a way out in life for everyone;
that includes yours truly.
I mean, if I couldn't win a competition in grades, brains, looks, talent,
surely there is something else that shall earn me fame and wealth.
But what is it? I never knew, and I'm still searching for it.

When everyone, at this decision-making-point, is deciding on how their future will be, and how shall it turn out to be,
I am, on the other hand, thinking of how am I going to ensure that i have a future.

I'm always attracted to vices, starting at a tender age of 3;
cards, liquor, cars, hard cold cash, beautiful women.
Though I'm always dabbling with cards and wine,
but I've never thought of walking on the dark side and earning easy money.

But if there's a day to come, whereby this is my only way out to riches;
then, I shall never hesitate to path a career in vices.

After all, it's a job that not many want to do,
giving me some sort of advantage when the masses need this area of 'service'.

Nevertheless, I shall make one last stand on the bright side;
which is, studying hard, and see if I could earn myself a page on the newspaper with my good deeds and 'abilities'.

If not, maybe I'll be the next faction to rise after Yakuza, Triads and the Mafia.

Either way out, I choose not to stay low-
life's too short for too many regrets,
and it's too fast for any hesitation.

"I'm feeling like a Monday, but someday I'll be Saturday Night."

再见一次

2011-01-20T17:13:00.002+08:00

还是那句“好忙啊”。
近日来功课量不知为何急速上升，
搞得大家疲惫不堪，如行尸走肉似的。
这几晚也没有得好睡，大部分的时间都花在功课上。
让我觉得似乎活着就是为了做功课。

好了，扫兴的事撇一旁；
我们来说说其他的吧。

新的一年，新的开始；
还没有一个月，就已经有了那种“度日如年”的感觉。
尽管如此，时间似乎过得很快；
一眨眼，又是新的一天了。

新的一年，新的希望；最希望的，
不是那个名列前茅，还是那个万事如意；
倒是希望与朋友之间的那份情意，
能够长长久久；友谊长存乃是我最想要的。

中学生崖迈入了第四个年头；
过去的三年，我遇到了许许多多的人，
形形色色，五花八门。
有的是可靠的战友，有的是可信赖的良师益友；
有的是可倾心的知己，有的是一起享乐的酒肉朋友。

时过境迁，友谊、感情也随着环境的变化而改变；
有些素未平生的路人甲成为了终生的挚友，
而有些曾经一起有说有笑的友人，则成了陌生人。

一份友谊，很想挽回，却发现已经无法改变任何东西；
一份情意，很想找回，却发现已经无法像从前那样了。

一位曾经与我共度患难的友人说：
“这一切其实就是缘分。
天下无不散之筵席，有时走到了某个交叉处，
一起共同走过万水千山的好友也要分头，各走各的。
但愿日后，哪来个机遇，再让两人共同再走一回。”

变了质的友谊，聪明的人选择不去挽回；
淡了味的情意，有心的人选择不去寻回。

已经失去原有的意义和价值的友情，还有何处值得我们留恋的呢？
从前的那份理解，从前的那份关怀，从前的那份陪伴；
失去它们之后，还剩下那些值得我们去挽回的呢？

剩下的，只有昔日的情意，当年的真挚，
今日的离别，以及两人共同拥有的美好回忆。

Type到这里，也不禁拿起酒杯，
一口干了杯里的威士忌。

如果说今日我们必须在此交叉处分头，各走各的，
我也没有遗憾，没有懊悔之意，毕竟两人曾共同度过美好的时光；
但愿来日能够在下一个交叉处看见你的背影，
也希望那时你还记得我们曾经一起度过的时光，一起拥有的美好回忆。

变了质的友谊，留下的，并不是遗憾；
而是夏日一起度过美好时光的回忆，
让我当做棉衣，着在身上过得残冬。

今日的离别不能阻止，
但愿来日还能相遇，共同怀念、重温昔日的友谊。

Dear friends, we shall meet once more.

意冷，心却不灰的一天

2011-01-13T18:23:00.003+08:00

You just had a bad day, but what else could you do about it?

这两天又忙、又烦、又乱。。。
又是沉重的功课，又是连续不断的测验，又是忙得不可开交的时程表。。。
又是那些不如意的事，又是那些不顺心的日子。。。

好累，好累，好累哦。

Cause you had a bad day,
You're taking one down,
You sing a sad song just to turn it around...

好多好多不顺心的事，只叫我累得没心情叙述了。

人生不如意之事，常之八九嘛。
偶尔时运较低，自己也无可奈何。
没办法，只好咬紧牙关，努力坚强地熬过去。

在坏、再不好的事，总会结束的；
无论狂风暴雨多大、多久，
也总有雨过天晴的那一刻。

总相信这些令人烦恼的事，都是暂时的。

晴天，总会到来的。

每次都会跟自己说，
再烦、再乱的一天，都是值得我们去感激的。
感谢天公不作美，赐予我们一个挑战并超越自己的机会。
感恩万事不顺心，让我们有一个孤军作战的经验。

今天的烦恼，是昨天的不足，是明天的准备；
我总是相信，明天，会更好！

阳光，总在风雨后。

要客观看待昨天，
要主观对待今天，
要乐观面对明天。

总是相信，今天的暴风雨，
不会延续到明天的。
留下的，
只是灿烂的阳光。

致：把他拒于门外的她

2011-01-11T20:57:00.003+08:00

在这世上，有很多东西，是不应该去做的。
因为就算是做了，依然还是没有结果的。

很多东西，很多时候，到最终，它只不过是一个无言的结局。

脑子思想的。心里感觉的。
就算是如何地触动人心，
有的时候到最后，才发现自己一直在原地踏步。

有很多话想说，却说不出口。
有很多事想做，却动不了手。
因为说了，可能会失去那最后的希望、最后的回首；
因为做了，可能会失去那唯一让自己有生存价值的空梦。

人生何其短，没有留下太多遗憾的余地；
不说、不做，留下的是一辈子的遗憾。
但是说了、做了，留下的，
是永恒的遗憾。

奈何，奈何。

有时候，希望的、盼望的，其实不多。
那一个回首、那一声招呼；
可能对某个人来说，只不过是一种很基本的礼貌。
但是对另外一个人来说，
可能是他终日所盼望的；是他生存的理由。

千山万水总是情，多给一点行不行。

有的人没有心跳；有的，是一个对几乎对每个人没有情感的人。
他们把心掏出来，交给一个不会珍惜的人；
从此，就甘愿做一辈子的裙下之臣，心为某人而跳，命为某人而活。

很凄惨，很悲伤；
不过，那是许多人梦寐以求的一种感受。
那种此生为你活，此命为你死；
就算某些人不知道如何珍惜，那些裙下之臣也心甘情愿。

何必呢？为何呢？
他们说，也不知道为何，事实也就不过如此。
看见的，是其他人无法察觉的美；感受的，是其他人无法感觉的魅。
也就不过如此；没有其他的理由。

Type到这里，也不禁喝了一口烈酒。
对他们来说，只有酒精浓度极高的烈酒，
才能帮助他们暂时脱离这种又甜又苦的现实。

真不知道他们真么还能在这种环境之下熬那么久。

多看一眼、多说两句；
或许，那些割脉、吃安眠药、酗酒的人，或许会少很多。

明知道是一个无言的结局，很清楚是一个没有结果的美梦；
却乐在其中，无怨无悔。

因为你真的不知道，
无论是内在、外在，
你是如此地美丽动人。