So Long

Never in my life have I ever felt such agony before.

It's been months, or years, or for how long that I couldn't remember since I last submitted a post.

I remember clearly that this site, or rather, this collection of stories used to be something that I was proud of;

it represents a collection of memories from various highlights of my life, 

and it symbolizes the growth of a young man walking through the storms of time.

For a moment I remember this site used to attract a substantial volume of visitors,

and they came for a similar reason:

There is a story to tell.

For this site have accompanied me through the toughest and darkest moments of my life;

it also shared the joy and glory of the milestones of my journey.

Back in those days I didn't have much attention from my closest kins about the struggles I am going through,

not to mention having any form of support through these tough times.

This site, more or less, became a confidante.

Through the time I spent here,

I gradually understood myself better, learn to change my various bad habits,

learn to feel for people and things, and learn to cope with emotions. 

It was also from here I took a liking to writing;
I perfected my writing skills here, and learn to express complicated ideas in the simplest language.
And that later helped me in my time as an amateur writer,
and kept me prepared for the intensity of essays I would face later on.

For a period of time, this site was my life.

It shared my feelings of being an unique individual in secondary school days,
it accompanied me on my journey as a cadet for a period spanning four years.
It watched me grew as an individual, listening to the reflections I have for every single thing I went through in school;
for a time when I thought I was forgotten by the masses,
this site gave me hope.
It told me that there is still something I could do, there is something I was good at,
and there is always a place, that will always be my own world.

Provided that I have the time to do so.

Back then it was a habit to write; I could never run out of stories and reflections.
Somehow, I wonder was it good or bad, for a young man to go through so much that he have so much to say.
Then came a point in time that I gradually stopped writing;
graduating from secondary school and going into JC,
I didn't have the spare time to think about complex ideas or to linger upon certain memories for long.
The people I met and the encounters I see are something so different,
to the extent that they forbid me from pondering too hard over them.
There I ran out of thoughts, and I ran out of stories.
Somehow, perhaps it was the change in environment or the advance in age,
one wouldn't think too much, or think too hard anymore.
Perhaps I am satisfied with what I've been through to give me a fixed perspective of life;
or maybe things happening at the later part of life doesn't intrigued me any further,
or maybe they never gave that inspirational and enriching feeling that I yearn from every encounter.

Or perhaps I've seen and understand so much, that I do not require to think so hard anymore.
Hence, I went into a long hiatus, which went on into the desolation of this site.

I guess no one reads them anymore, since I stopped telling stories that earned different emotions from people.

For this period of time that I've stopped writing, things didn't went on the same as before.
In JC I was a pretty low profile individual, and chose to keep myself out of extensive social activities.
I didn't really take up any form of leadership roles or seek after any form of opportunities,
but instead choose to dedicate my time to my academics and doing little stuff that will please myself.
Isolating myself from people and activities would mean that I would encounter less;
this will go on to drain the flow of reflections and inspiration required to tell a good story.
Of course, major events do happen to give me another sight of life;
I see a different breed of people, a different style of management,
not to mention a different way of thinking in my new school.
Perhaps the abrupt change was what that kept me away from thinking too much;
sometimes when you think too much you can lose that sanity easily.

Shit happens and they made me learn and think,
but I didn't feel the urge to reflect and ponder too hard on them as like the days in secondary school;
maybe because they are also teaching a same idea,
or I am just too tired to bother too much about anything.
I kept myself away from outdoor activities, which was a big change compared to my sporty personality back then;
instead I dedicate the effort to doing math and physics,
hoping to derive some form of enlightenment by focusing on a few particular activities.
On a sidenote, the outcome was pretty successful;
I manage to see significant links and similar patterns behind majority of the things in life.
This is a little too hard to explain, so I hope anyone who read this will just go and figure it out yourself.

I didn't make a deal of friends in JC, but I came across helpful individuals that made the tough JC times enjoyable.
They were nice, but a different breed of people from those I see in secondary school.
Meanwhile, I also kept in contact with my old comrades from the Corps;
we would spent nearly every Friday night together,
but the feeling isn't identical anymore.
Perhaps it is due to the change in environment, and we do not spent as much time together anymore.

While I used to spent a lot of time writing and focusing on the Corps in secondary school,
I have ample of free time during my JC days.
One of the reason was due to my lack of participation in activities,
another was attributed to the fact that VJC is pretty much "slack",
with minimal homework given and a shorter curriculum time than other JCs.
Hence, I spent my free time playing online games, sleeping, reading books, doing additional questions.
But still VJC was a good place indeed, I met nice teachers and classmates who are willing to help me whenever I am in distress.
Some of the major activities gave me a new insight towards school culture,
which you'll never experience in the strict, formal ZHSS.
But I still miss the days fighting along my comrades CK and CJ,
and leading my platoon of 30 men(actual strength was 27) through the different exercises,
and the time serving under the CO that me and my comrades fought so hard to support.

JC was a breeze, not because it was easy, but because it was fast.
I got what I wanted: having my name flashed on the screen during Results Day,
and earned myself a free education.
Somehow I wonder if I would regret for the lack of participation in activities and CCAs,
but well, I guess I had my fair share of joy and tears back in ZHSS.
With all the free time combined with the yearning of the past memories,
I would visit my alma mater periodically on Friday afternoons,
the period which most companies under the Corps held their trainings.
I was well received by my old subordinates and welcomed by my former teachers,
but it was pretty depressing to see how things changed quickly once you left.
For all that being a famous, or rather infamous person in school,
I was history the moment I left.

My lifestyle changed a lot after I left ZHSS,
and I think I became more aloof that usual.
I do not want to meddle too much with other individuals' affairs,
so I choose to have time to myself whenever I could.
Perhaps due to this reason,
I felt very little for the things I've been through in JC.

After leaving JC I secured a job as a teacher;
it was something enjoyable yet challenging,
and it gave me another insight to life from the other end of the classroom.
Before I could adapt fully to the new environment,
I was hastily called into military service,
putting a pause to whatever I am doing in life.

That is when hell broke loose.

Never in my life have I ever felt such agony before;
it was something more terrible than the tough times trying to adapt to new environments in schools.
I don't know how to put these complicated thoughts into words,
all I knew was that I didn't really like serving.
Given my background as a cadet who participated in major exercises,
I thought I would survive well in the new environment.
But never have I felt so helpless and lonely before,
and the coming of every activity just irks me somehow.

I thought it was just that I've changed to like something else,
or rather, I preferred indoor activities after two years of JC life.
But then, somehow things just doesn't feels right;
the depressing feeling and objection grew stronger time after time.

I remembered when I was battered down by the troubles in life during Secondary 2,
I spent time watching One Piece as a form of recovery.
But now, I do not know what to do to heal myself.
And I guess, finally after so long, I ran out of stories, and I am tired.

There is little time and energy for me to ponder about the next step of life.
I've lost much of my greed and desire, and any form of aspiration to aspire in this new environment.
All I seek for is for all these to end quickly, and for me to go back to the quiet days,
which I could spent time on my own.

Looking at what is left currently...
wait, I guess pretty much everything is gone.
And all that former achievements doesn't really matter too much anymore.
Yet when the world has changed and the people had left,
and that remains is nothing but this site.

Well, at least I made it back here.