tomorrow. yeap.

hi, since someone ask me to update...
then i'll update larh. haha :D

now guess what.
it's my bloody specialists' course tomorrow.
the full name should be,
"National cadet Corps Central District Specialists' Course Phrase 2 2010".
and then, you go there for a three day non-residential camp,
and get screwed by the CLTS, then roll around in the field,
then get stoned by the theory paper,
and then you stripped the wrong mechanism outta the rifle.
but then. it's a good thing that we come back after the course,
as Specialists. Sergeants.
though we dunno how things would turn out,
we already planned for a buffet celebration on friday.
makan feast for the specs on friday.

and then, yeap, i'll miss a lot of shit at home.
com, phone(can't bring my camera phone there), bed.
facebook. blog. and my CS.

but maybe i'll get some inspiration there,
so maybe i'll come back with more little stories to write.

and i spent today doing a lot of bo liao stuff.
draw no. 1 uniform, watch the school's stupid movie at orchard lido.
not much studying for spec course. never rest.

maybe i should get some rest now.
people wish me all the best (:

my story.

so i spent pretty much of yesterday and today doing my first holiday hmwk.
writing a little novel or short story for HCL.

i got much of my inspiration from watching wartime movies,
such as Saving Private Ryan, The Boy In Stripped Pyjamas, and Band of Brothers.
well, at the start i know that writing a wartime story,
would definitely fail me for me for my assignment;
but who cares, it isn't the marks i get that is important,
it is the message i'm conveying and the enlightenment i'm giving.

i would reveal over here that the plot is pretty simple.
this British soldier saved a son of a Nazi officer during world war 2,
and then brought him back home, disguise as a SS soldier.
many years later when this soldier served as a spy in the cold war,
he was captured by East German troops and sentenced to death.
but he was pardoned by the prison's commandant,
who was the boy he saved before.

rather than writing pieces on some kind of things that many wouldn't understand,
i believe that the real way to improve the writing standards of Singaporean authors is to write stories that convey a clear cut message,
and suitable for international readers.
reading stuff which have message hidden and hard to retrieve by readers,
will actually fail the purpose of writing stories and publishing books.

i mean, to every story there is a moral or solution,
which is the most important message that the author is trying to convey to his readers.
if this message is hidden or unclear,
how can the author expect people to get his message?

and when i see how books are standardize to suit readers of different language levels,
i really feel that this is a bad trend that will barricade people from reading more books and understanding more things.
maybe we should just use simple words to bring out big, big meanings;
instead of using words that hardly anyone understands to teach little morals that our parents are trying to teach us.

and for now, i'm left with a publisher and an investor.
i have both the english and chinese version of the story.
interested parties in working with me can leve your contact and name at my tagboard.

cheers.

vesak spirit

growing up in an unfair environment never taught me to treat others unfairly,
yet it taught me my role to uphold fairness in everyone and everything.

growing up being prejudice never told me to look down on people inferior than me,
but it convey to me that there is something impressive about everyone.

growing up having to give in all the times never made me snatch for whatever i want,
it simply makes me giving things to the rightful owner.

growing up being ugly never taught me to dislike people with no looks,
it teaches me to see the beauty in everyone.

growing up being mocked at never influence me to laugh at others,
but it tells me that respect is to given to everyone.

growing up weaker than everyone never made me give up on life,
it teaches me to fight on with adversities.

growing up being rejected never made me to reject even further,
it teaches me to give a consideration towards everyone, everything.

growing up without friends never made me aloof from everyone,
yet it brought the friendly spirit in me for those that are alone.

growing up being left alone in distress never made me mocked at others' failure,
it just makes me to reach my helping hand whenever i can.

growing up having nobody sharing with you never taught me to be selfish,
but it teaches me the importance of sharing with everyone.

growing up without love never grow the seeds of hatred for the world;
it just tells me how much the world lack in love,
and i have to love everyone even more.

there is always a good side and bad side towards everyone and everything.
i think, so far i choose to see the good side.

Happy Vesak Day (:

last day of the term

no doubt, today was the last day of term two;
of course i went to school with anticipation.
in the morning, i thought that today will mark a start.
a start of all the adventures of the holidays.

i rushed up to the class, as i was getting late for the morning parade;
quickly put my bag down, grab my tie,
and rush off to the parade square.
but i never fail to notice cookies on everyone's table.
and this small little piece of note.
haha, this classmate of mine, named audrey,
went to the extent of baking cookies for everyone,
and then writing an appraisal for each and everyone of us.
wow, i must say, this is the first thing that someone in 3e2 had done to touched me.
i must say, many other classmates should be touched too!
isn't it something great to have such a nice classmate around?

and then later on,
i was supposed to carry this heavy load of newspaper back to class,
which i guess was around 18kg;
and then i was having some tough time bringing it back.
keong cheng came around and helped me with it,
and the both of us slowly carried the load back to the classroom.

then we had this little slack session in class,
and then people around me started talking about the ' meet the parents ' session,
which is going to happen later on.
so i started talking to my neighbours;
talking about our parents, the results, blah blah blah.
and then there was this lit fiesta,
which i consider very fail.
what a waste of everyone's time and effort.

so between intervals of the meet the parents session and photo taking,
i spent much time talking to some classmates;
classmates that i hardly ever talked to in the past months.
i must say, they're really nice, nice people;
and its a joy talking to them.
i must say they have this goodness in them...
which i failed to realised when i spent most of the time finding faults with certain classmates throughout the term.

entering and leaving the classroom at times,
but i never failed any chances to have a little talk with them.
though i ain't any close with them,
or very familiar with them;
but i can tell that they are real nice people.

and suddenly at the end of everything,
i hoped that today would really end slower.
i failed to take notice of the good people in the class;
and some of them who might have thought the same way about certain things with me.
all along, i have always criticizing on the class;
the way it is, the people, itself.
but then when i go on to understand this little group of nice people,
everything started to take another different perspective.

people in our class came from different backgrounds,
different classes, and most importantly,
different maturing environments.
we might be teens, 14 or 15 yrs old teens;
but it is that environment that we came out from that differentiates us.
the straightforward 2e3'09, hyper 2e6'09, some meek cliques, and even foreigners;
that is the very reason that drifts us all apart.
my ex-cliques, david and eugene,
might not be able to mix into 2e3'09 back then,
but surely they are able to mix well with those from 2e6'09.

all along this big mixture created friendships and bitter-sweet romance for some;
but definitely hell for me.
mr tham notice how a hyper teen couldn't blend in well this time round;
and yet some classmates deny the fact.
but still, i'm really glad;
glad for the existence of nice people that helps to make the day somehow.

my personality might not have attracted them to be close friends with me,
but definitely the goodness in them made them take a few steps forward towards me than many others in class.
many that i want to thank here;
keong cheng and ting wei who talked and joked with me everytime,
ziying and sher yun who rendered help to me when i am dying,
my good neighbours, audrey for tolerating my nonsense and being such a nice neighbour;
and also, julian for saying hi to me everyday when many never did so.
and also mr ang for his good advise,
mr tham for his care and advise on my 'survival' in class;
mrs maybrie ang on her 'special care' on me during lessons.

times, yes, they have been hard.
but i must say, even the darkest room have something that reflects light.

and then, all the hatred i had was gone for long;
just because all these nice people appeared at the last moments.

countdown

it's another day of post exam activities.
at first i thought that it would suck big time.
haha, but i'm wrong.

so we had this little leadership workshop.
and then we had a little talk by the coach, jay,
and then played some games at the parade square.
what was unforgettable was one of this instructor i met.
we're suppose to get down to the parade square and line up,
and then i yelled for my class to quicken their steps.
so this instructor asked me,
"wah, why so fierce at them arh?"
and then he went on to question about my cca.
and the next question was "wah then you what rank arh?"

"corporal."

"wah i thought you staff sergeant or what sia...shout so loud..."

and then after all the effort to split my class into groups,
and then settling down,
he came back to me and said,
"eh thanks for the effort arh. i will write in and ask them to promote you to sergeant."

my only expression was -_-lll

and then after all these,
we had a little break, followed by a sexuality talk.
and i had this little monitor forum after school,
and we shared so many fantastic ideas to improve the school.
i even sang praises of mr tham (thank me dude!) in front of the VP.
and then there were so much good suggestions about improving the school.
MK suggested of getting rid of the 'tuesday fried food' programme.

wow.

and later had NCC.
just try to joke here and there,
render help is there is any need.
nice training i had today.

and then tomorrow's the last day of school.
supposingly i would really looked forward to this day,
but thinking about missing and not seeing certain brothers and mates for days,
well, things just sucked a bit.
especially those good neighbours i had in class, haha.

and many adventure awaits me after the end of school term.

Brothers, we'll have at least three chevrons on our sleeve after this holiday.
Together we'll form the best Chevron United in the nation.

light in the dark

it's another boring day today,
but i gained a lot, a lot of enlightenment throughout the day.

i must say today isn't really as good as yesterday;
but then, sometimes i do really appreciate the arrangements of the activities by the school.
for much stoning i have in physics classes,
i must say today i had the best physics lesson ever.
because ms ng taught us stability with a toy.
i mean, if she can teach using props and toys to show us scenarios next time,
i believe we will have a better understanding of the topics.

and then we spend much of the time after recess watching this video,
and also sharing jokes about nazi germany with mr chew in the auditorium.
today's a bit bland and dull, but it passed by well.

i must say today i realised something that i often missed out in the past.
i learn about a very, very, simple philosophy about life.
"even at the darkest moments of life,
there will always be a little bit of light shining upon you."
like how light shone through the grills into the dark room in the picture above.

at the worst point of my life,
when i'm almost or sort of cut off from my class,
almost all activities, interaction, pretty much anything else.
when you get more and more depressed in class day by day;
because not only you lost your clique,
but then, you lost the sense of belonging to the class,
as well as bonds with many classmates.

but life is always fair.

through these tough times,
when my classmates just don't give a damn about me;
i found truthful people;
truthful in a way that they would be truthful to me,
and also stand by me, give me support through the tough times.

imagine what?
most of these people ain't any close people with me;
except for my platoon mates,
they're either acquaintances that i met in certain occasions,
or just long lost friends or cousins.

it's a bit ironic;
when the people that meets with you everyday makes you irks the sight of them,
and yet those that seem to be 'passer-bys' in your life,
actually gave you certain kind of support.

a little hi, a small hello by these acquaintances or long lost friends,
or even ex-classmates from 2e3'09;
sometimes, that just helps to make the day better.
some are real friendly to me;
others, after seeing my emo out everyday or heard of my 'times' in 3e2,
deliberately said hi to help me.
maybe they did it out of sheer friendliness,
or just feels like a hi could help me;
i really, really appreciate all that from them.

and also not to forget my platoon mates.
after the scoldings from a particular sir,
and when it seems like the superiors lost faith in me;
i juust lost interest in NCC,
despite being once an enthusiastic cadet of the corps.

but now, i'm engaged to it again.
not for the sake of what master sergeant rank or sergeant major post;
it's the sense of belonging my mates gave me,
that pulled me back into the service.
a little touching story:
i remember days ago when i'm eating all alone,
and then this particular mate came along,
and saw me eating alone.
he was pretty direct to asked me why i'm all alone,
and then grab some food, sat down next to me,
and brunch with me.

the bonds that survived through three years of shit together,
seems eve stronger than ever to me,
especially at times when they are the only bunch of brothers i can fall back on.

last but not least,
this cousin of mine.
after seeing all the 'hate status' i had on facebook,
she sent me a mail via facebook,
to console me and tell me to talk to her if there's a need.
though i never reply her,
but i do hope that she sees this.
thanks a lot, cousin.

shit might have happened.
but then, it was this shit that makes these people seem even more important to me.

oh and not to forget,
the few neighbours beside me in class.
wang zhe, and then the gals.
thanks a lot for talking to me,
answering to my random questions :D

bang.

though post-exam activities don't really sounds fun,
but then, many things happened that make today a nice day.

two hrs of chem lessons early in the morning ain't really that good;
but well, it was conducted by Mr Christopher Lim.
what a nice joker. so time passed by fast under his jokes,
and chem had never seem to be so interactive.
though Mrs Ang's lessons are also very fun,
but well, Mr Lim got the humour that many lacked.

and then, I sat down throughout the one hour of k-pop dancing.
i mean, look, i ain't close with the class,
and then no one's there to be beside me dancing;
somemore, i sucked at dancing.
so i had to sit aside and let them enjoy something as a class.
but the hour spent stoning isn't useless.
while all the others are tired out dancing,
i easily did some crack shots when we had our next activity,
air pistol.

hell, i was looking forward to that throughout the entire day.

it just feels good when once in a while,
you owned your class in something.
well i liked that feeling man.

and then i had an early release from lessons;
gotta go for NCC refreshers' course.
what is so important about the course isn't all the shit i'm getting there,
but i'm looking forward to another episode of fun.
fun between this C/LTA called weibin(ironically) and my unit.

so when he started to take us for trainfire(teach you how to use a gun),
me and brandon started joking around with him.
first was making funny noises when we posed for shooting in prone position.
and then he said, "are zhonghua cadets so irritating?"
and i replied, "no sir; we're just interactive."

"oh, interactive! i remember you lah!"

(that was when once i disiao this cadet officer backed at another NCC event)

so the whole thing turned out to be so fun,
with him coaching us when we're assembling the rifles.

and thanks to all this,
i had a great day.

looks like i have a special affinity with guns and ranges.

tomorrow's another post exam day;
well, i just hope that it turns out to be so fun;
like today.

Necktie

looking at the picture above,
i think it's obvious.
man fixing tie.
well necktie would always be a significant part of my life.
so, let me start my story here.

i never learn to tie a necktie in the first 12 years of my life.
until the 13th, when i got promoted to secondary one,
i have to learn how to tie, and wear a necktie.
back in primary schools i obtain several prestigious awards,
and those ceremonies required a tie around my neck.
but those ties meridian gave me were strap on ones;
not those that you need to tie.

so in the first few days of secondary school life,
i went around seeking help on how to tie a necktie.
that was when i remember i came into contact with certain people-
weibin, felicia, then a few seniors.
though they didn't really like me at first sight,
they still offered their help to me.
at that point of time, i mastered a new skill.
i mastered how to tie a half-winsdor.
but this new skill would bring me on further to learn more skills.

life in 1E3 taught me many values i seriously need,
and inject maturity into the crazy and carefree kid.
all the bickers and quarrels with the class,
as well as trouble facilitating the class,
taught me no leadership,
but how to communicate well with people.

again i would say they do gave me a hard time back then,
somemore even desert me;
but now i know what they did then was right.
if weren't for them, if weren't for a tie,
i wouldn't have grow up.

secondary two i stopped wearing a tie.
instead, i became Mr Tham's saigang warrior,
collecting homework and exercises for him.
but nonetheless that was just a small continuation to the tales of the tie.

secondary three; Mr Ang install me as a monitor with zero votes from the class.
at that point of time i learn to tie a full winsdor;
and i remember clearly that chong kai taught me that.

though i didn't learn much through duties as a secondary three monitor,
but having a responsibility to communicate with the class,
actually let me see another 44 facets of humanity after the 39 i saw in 2E3.
learning about how to cope with others,
as well as interpreting the thoughts and mindsets of others,
gave me a chance to learn more about understanding people,
and their actions.

through these 'tie wearing days' i met several people;
people who helped me significantly in my growing up process.
growing up as in maturing.
through the little failures and failed duties in 1E3,
some people taught me good and hard values that followed me for life.
tuesday, kelly, david, and so many more.
and then a few i met in secondary three,
mainly from my class.

throughout these days i met several teachers;
teachers who looked down on me, thinking that i'm incapable,
and also teachers that make a huge bet that i would rolled into huge success in the near future.
teachers that gave me chance for a change,
teachers that stop my chances of going further.
Ms Vanita, Mdm Zhang Hong, Mr Cheow, Mdm Jiang, Mr Tham, Mr Tang, Mr Ang.
and about those that 'kua suay' me arhs...
let's censor their names, okay?

nevertheless, thinking i am incapable or not,
these mentors for life inject will and power into me,
just to let me go on further for more success without any boundaries.

incidents of 'tie wearing days',
too much, too much to mention.
but they do teach me a lot.
a lot, a lot.

i thank for the existence for those that appear in my tie wearing days;
i thank those that gave me a chance to wear a tie.

slowly tying a winsdor around my neck,
I know that adventures awaits me in front,
after this grooming.

killing slowly

another day of checking scripts in school.
it's really full of all sorts of emotions these two days.
we have cheers, tears, cries and smiles.
some roared in hegemony when they make achievements,
while some cried like *****ds when they fail the papers.

but things were never so emotional for me.
though i do see a few B and C here and there,
but generally speaking i fare average for the papers.
though there might be some under-performance here and there,
but being able to secure a few distinctions under such circumstances is already considered very good.

sometimes i really envy those that failed their papers.
they let their tears out, and they have a huge bunch of people around them,
giving them tissue papers, cheering them up, consoling them.
you guys might have fail your papers, but you are all very fortunate.
having people that will stand by you when you're down.
friends, friends that comes in time for everything-
they are something that good results or hardcore studying cannot exchange for.
for me, no matter i fail or pass,
all i have is my left and right hand,
giving a pat on each shoulder, as the adrenaline to carry on with life.

and today two people said 'hi' to me.
though it's just a pretty simple greeting,
but that really, really cheer up the day.
somehow, these little things that are so ordinary seem so extraordinary to me.

once in secondary two, i acted in a skit,
a skit about this man that turn mentally ill after the death of his daughter.
but i never, never, ever thought that the real effect would take place.
all these things happening around me,
the kind of feeling i get by my classmates,
the worse-ff stereotype and misunderstanding...
I don't know what have lead to all these,
but I have became a monster.
the very same line written in the script last year-
ironically the scriptwriter is david.

i thought all these was a new start at the beginning.
but it turns out to be in contrary.
though i might have survive well with all these stuff,
but the feeling is a slow torture,
killing me slowly day by day...

i don't know when i would really go crazy,
and then the illness takes effect,
causing bloodshed in the school.
i might sound ridiculous here-
but i am the one that understands my situation the best.

i just need help. company.
but i never get any.
perhaps everything worked a single way-
a cause for an effect.

and i had the same bad day.

and i had a...okay, to me everyday is almost pretty much the same.
bad day, you called it.
so bad until it becomes so routine,
and you just get used to it.

okay, results are back.
well, they're just above the passing grade,
and then, manage to secure a few distinctions for the subs that i rocked in.
but the marks ain't what i will always be getting.
hmm, under-performance, i would say.
after spending days, no, months in a place,
a place where i could not find such a word to describe it...
well, the grades will just turn out as bad as the circumstances are.

again it's another typical, routine day in school.
i know it's kinda boring to mention the same old shit to you people again,
but, it's pretty much different today.
though the 'pang-seh' feeling given is being accommodated to,
but then, you just really feels bad when you lost another thing to your name.
position. the very last, very very last of my name to what i have in school.
after losing that, what i am left with is all the shit i get in school everyday.

i thought of seeking professional help.
but then, the schedule's so packed that i couldn't afford time for all these.
and then, if the matter just blows big like how things did last year...
i guess things will just get more and more worse.

when i was backed at the third floor,
i don't really appreciated all the response to my comments by my peers.
but now, a little smile or a little nod gives the adrenaline to carry on with the day.
sometimes, things will only seem to be significant when they are gone.
even these little actions- so little, yet they are still part of life.

living a pathetic lifestyle in misery ain't that good.
well, looking at the circumstances,
i doubt i could do much to salvage the situation.
those people who don't understand me...nah, stop talking about those fools.
and then, classmates who don't really give much a response about me.
hmm, after losing everything to my name,
i need to seek for something that will get life going.
i can't really go to school everyday,
everyone just heck care about me, then i stay in the class and sleep...
alright, perhaps i'll be the zhss version of remi gaillard.
going around, doing big, big pranks on people.

i would say the trainings of being one above all humanity is hard.
going through the same circumstances like what many leader had gone through in the past.
loneliness, independence.
i would say, the price to pay for understanding and executive above humanity is high.
very, very high.

sometimes i just wanna smile to those that walked past me.
but gosh, my smile's hideous.
so, sometimes i just mumbled a 'hi' or wave at them.
but then, they used to wave back.
now they don't.

life goes on, sadly, i say for the dunno how many times.
no matter how it sucks, i would have to go on.
training, no heroes are heroes without training.
and any of my schoolmates or classmates,
who feel offended reading this series of posts;
especially those that stop waving to me, misunderstand me..etc.
i would like to say a heartfelt thank you to you people,
for the rigorous but beneficial training.

be glad that i censored your names,
unlike in the past.

Validation.

well, take some time to view the video.
i guarantee that it's worth your time :D

and everything that i am feeling, i wanna say now at this moment,
is all in the video itself.

a harsher fall, a greater success

i would say, if one has to fall to great heights in life,
and to savour the taste of defeat and slavery;
then, that would be the price to pay for hegemony and dominance in the future.

many times in life, we suffered many, many kinds of different torture,
but the worst of all would be a torture mentally or emotionally.
perhaps the worst of everything, is to taste the seeds of defeat.
either defeated by life, by a rival, or by any other thing else;
i would say, the taste of losing isn't really that nice.
once vowing to the seas and the mountains of the achievement of the great dreams;
perhaps today many stood lifeless and unmotivated,
wondering if the vows of a dream were a mistake,
or just something that they should not be achieving.

but i would say, there will be more than it meets the eye.

having heard of Newton's Third Law,
i would say that this concept or law of the great scientist exist in many philosophy and religion, particularly Taosim.
Whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body. F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.

life is a natural process;
being a natural process, natural laws of sciences will decide our fate.
fret not, for those who lost their dreams or get defeated in life;
a defeat in life, is to give experience and potential energy to soar greater heights.
despite the fact that you see many people around you achieving their goals,
and fulfilling their dreams;
but look back, and you'll see how many great people come to success.
Thomas Edison tried countless times, and failed countless times to invent the light bulb;
so does many people who left legacies in history.

there is no instant success in life;
and of course, not to mention of eternal success,
or success without work paid as much as others.
the corruption of this society has brought many to believe,
believing in the 'truth' that dreams only come true for those that are 'predestined'.

but people, life will always be life.
if we have to achieve equilibrium in many things,
of course, we too have to achieve equilibrium in life.
if we suffered great blows and hardships now,
it would only be a ticket to greater success in the future.
and when greater dominance and hegemony is achieved;
then what is left of the little dreams you have now?

life is full of surprises,
perhaps the worst could be the best in no time to come;
yet life is always full of changes,
nothing is always eternal.
and so does the circumstances for those who have failed, defeated, lost.
the bitter taste you are savouring now is not for eternal.
the seeds of bitterness planted in you by others,
would grow into huge tress that bears fruit of success.
take all suffering and slavery as a form of training.
because in time, these lessons given by your rivals would make you someone greater.
greater than them.

dreams, i would sadly say, are for dreamers.
after dreaming, what is left is the emptiness and loneliness of that illusion.
people, don't just sit down there and cry;
stand up, and use all your might, to make that illusion into reality.
if you can't dream, then change.

for those who have fall into the valleys of life,
fear not, worry not;
be like water, water with an indefinite shape;
shape yourself according to the circumstances.
one day, the water in the valley will flow into the great oceans and seas;
the water with a definite volume,
will never ever lie low at that moment anymore.

in memory.

look at the man inspecting the contingent.
hmm, the former DPM Goh Keng Swee.
well, my dad says that everyone who is military affiliated should know him.
more than that, i think. all Singaporeans should know him.

he established the SAF, and also set the foundation of the education ministry.
well, as a student and a cadet, i must really appreciate the legacy he left behind.
all the contributions done to the country and the people;
well, tell me which minister today can do as much as he does.
when i learn about how he produce cheap weapon parts in Singapore to cut cost for the military, and also some of his other contributions;
i was really like, oh my god.

he established the foundation of our defence, education ministries;
and also contributions towards the arts area, our country's orchestra.

history will only leave a good place and reputation for such people.
one who was given power by the people,
and then return the power to the people.
that, is what i call a leader.

salute to one of our founding fathers of the nation.
without him, we wouldn't be where we are today.

shaped.

today's HCL paper was still within my standard.
well, deducting 10 mins for toilet and 30 mins for slacking,
it'll really be quite amazing if i get some colourful marks.

completed another good survey today.
surveying about the human psychology again.
well, guess who i've been surveying.

i just found out that this dear friend of mine,
have mild bipolar disorder.
mild, mild only.
but what is so amazing about this mental illness is that,
people who are diagnosed with it have great potential to do great stuff.
we have a few good cases here;
winston churchill, mozart, and even the kids' favourite hans chiristian anderson.

but what that really brought these people to success isn't the illness.
but is one of the major consequence that this mental illness will give them.
and this consequence is known as loneliness.

many said that people who have gone through hard times,
and suffered well to earn good experience,
will make it great in life, because they understand more things than others.
but i think there's more besides all these.
circumstances do shape a man, and loneliness,
is in fact one of the worst, yet most effective way to shape someone.

being alone just means pretty much, the same thing.
walking alone, doing work alone, making decisions alone, solving problems alone...
but it is being alone that taught many lifeskills that would thank everyone,
from god to satan, for.
the great skill of independence and self reliance shaped strong personalities,
and also great wisdom and knowledge for a lonely one who is eager to go ahead of those that are in cliques and groups.

loneliness is also a state that makes one often feel helpless,
and also a state that one would always be left alone whenever anything happen.
under such circumstances, lonely people tend to pull themselves up at a much faster rate than most people-
they only have themselves to help them.

loneliness, being a one of those trauma that many would have,
often motivates the patient in a way that he or she is so eager to rid him or herself of the empty feeling that is unexplainable.
under such cases, the rate of self understanding and meditation is so strong,
until one could attain a level whereby the mental will is so developed and strong,
that he or she is able to do extraordinary things.

successful historical figures such as isaac newton,
winston churchill, and also french emperor napoleon,
was stated that they gone through loneliness before when diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

maybe those that study physics will study about the newton's third law.
circumstances and the people in it have the same theory.
"the harder a circumstances pushes a man, the harder a man is when he accelerates forward".

once again i emphasize,
the lessons of today are experiences of tomorrow,
the hatred of today are motivation for the future.
one day you find a lonely kid being outcast by all-
you never know if he would be the next stresemann, hitler, churchill....
or even bigger than that!

liberation day

today we walked out of the hall with a battle lost.
but one good defeat that liberated us.
liberated from the exams, stress, hardcore study.
everything went back to as per normal.
we are free men now, comrades.

hmm.

the words might be a bit small,
so you guys can click on the picture and see what it's talking about.

i guess everything i have to say for now,
is all depicted by the picture.
for those who felt that things are getting out of track,
and then things are turning dull and bland;
don't worry. fret not.

because only through difficulties we learn.
the more difficult, the more we learn.

today's fall on the ground,
shall be a lesson for the better.
today's method of solving problems,
shall be experiences of tomorrow.

the people who troubled me, abandoned me, harm me today,
shall be the ones i call the teachers of life.
for the difficulties they gave me taught me well.
well for the better. so much better.

today you might hate someone to the core.
but maybe tomorrow you will be grateful.
grateful for the misdeeds that taught you good life lessons.

i thank those from yesterday,
for teaching me what a hero need.

loneliness.

two down.

two of the much worried subjects are down.
but then there's still five more waiting for me for the next few days.
not really used to taking the exams in the hall;
but when you really get engrossed in the work,
all the environment don't really affect you so much.
so far, so good.
bigger worries are going to come-
sciences for tomorrow and the day after.
well, i have to unleash the potential.

though school today is all about exams,
but when it comes to the pre-assembly period and break times,
well, you do feel alone.
in fact i don't really mind it so much after all, but it's a bit awkward-
when people stare at you and give you the 'what happen?' expression.
slowly slowly, as you get further and further away from people,
you'll get scared, afraid of crowds after time.
maybe that haven't really take much effect in me,
but well, maybe during the post exam periods.

and also, really very thank you to those that say 'hello' and 'bye bye' to me today when you chance upon me by the corridor or in class.
i do really appreciate that.

i must say again in my very own faith;
i believe that we are all born with a purpose on this earth.
we are born with a destiny to lead along,
and everything and everyone we come across in life will lead us towards our destiny.
a lot of things might have taken place,
a lot of obstacles might be on the journey of life;
i met a lot of people,
some gave me sadness, some gave me happiness.

i thought that two years with e3 is a process to change me for the better;
but now i think it is more than that.
the change for the better, is to lead me closer towards my destiny;
so does everything that is happening now.
i must say, the world is not abandoning me;
the world is teaching me how should i be to lead my destiny in the future.
hitler, stresseman, churchill, einstein and edison....
if they lead a hard childhood and early age to discover the big destiny of theirs,
i think, my case should be about the same.

i would say, leave all to nature, leave all to heaven.
i am a product of nature, a product of nature process.
let nature shape me, let nature nurture me.

the more i fell, the more i fail, the closer i am,
towards my destiny, towards my dreams.

永不退缩

my father just kinda 'reprimand' me a bit today,
cuz it's like i never got my mother a present for mother's day.
i never did that for 15 years in my life.
neither father's day, their birthday, etc.
i guess, sometimes i might be a bit a failure as a son.

but i do have something to give my mother after all.
i wanted to get rid of what that is causing her sufferings in this nation.
that, is also what that is causing many suffering in this country.
i vow to give peace, prosperity, freedom and democracy to all.
i guess that is what that every citizen wanted,
as well as my mother.

i don't know what suddenly took that change in me.
a bit of changing into the old me.
which i remind myself of the vows i abandoned in the past,
and then retook them as a target, and head towards them.
sometimes, the price of maturity is hard to pay.
that is the time where the hopes of others becomes your dream.
never do i want to become someone like army officer, naval captain, etc.
i want to do something big, something big that saves the earth.
something that they will name the era after me.

it's another school day tomorrow.
again i say here once more,
i ****ing dread school.
and i doubt my results will be anywhere better-
better than the feeling i have for school.

well, not only the 'resistance' towards school.
and also all the homework, and thirst for knowledge.
all that feeling in the class, the feeling some teachers gave me,
just tells me that school ain't the place for me.
really, a person who have level ranking last year,
suddenly felt all these throughout the months,
and in a week to come, he is going to lose his rankings to others.
again, maybe i'm going to lose something i own.
the last bit of yitian's properties.
then, i'm really left with nothing,
except for my cellphone and my spectacles.

but i guess i'll be alright.
after a holiday at the specialists' course and OBS,
i guess i'll be alright.

and i think after that i'm going to prove my worth again,
like how i did it in the past.

today

as a burning match, I light the fire in the hearts of many.

i would say today is one of the better days i had this month.
school's kinda happy for me today.
i really like how it is going. well, if tomorrow stays this way too,
then it will be good. haha.

suddenly a bit of that spirit is brought back into me.
the feeling of that force, that force that pushes me high last year.
all the motivation for life, all the encouragement.
i dunno how all these came about;
maybe since my classmates started talking that little bit to me,
maybe since i have another perspective of life;
but i felt it. that force that pull me up before.
i dunno how long it's gonna stay with me;
but i know it's gonna be of good use when it is around.

and soon, after all these exams,
it's gonna be spec course, OBS, and many more.
then, we'll be real specialists. the ones leading.
i don't really care about what post i'm going to get;
but i know that i'm going to do something big.
i will light the fire in the hearts of my junior;
the fire, the craze, the passion for this cca, and for themselves.
not only i want to teach them things that is useful in NCC-
i'll teach them things that's gonna stay with them for life.
like how NCC taught me so much.

while i'm trying to prepare for my exams and my specialist course,
now i'm also planning for something bigger.
and finally, much of the idea is done.
with morals and perception mentioned in this blog,
i'll try to write a story;
a story of a romance between a woman and trans-woman.
for this, i need support from big capitalist,
and also one good co-director,
and also those actors and actress that are good but no one discovers their talents.
and i think my ideal scriptwriter would be Mr Cheow.
a shoe shop, NS Naval Lieutenant, and this movie-
that's my life's biggest target.

one year have passed.

look, that's pulau ubin.
my last visit there was around this time last year;
i had a survival course for the durian season.
well, at that time, we learn how to survive the durians.

most likely i'm going to set foot on this little island again,
also during the durian season.
along with ken, most likely, we seek for adventures again.

i would say that i've really, really changed so much.
ever since the last durian season,
i've experience so much in life.
i've gained and lost so much.
i gained friends, i gained experiences;
i lost some of my friends, i lost my dreams.

it is a nice feeling to back to where you started something off.
that was my first HQ course that allows me to mingle with other people from other schools and units.
returning there once more, it'll bring all the memories back to life.
and new memories will add on, most likely.

through a year, i've learn so much,
and learn to change so much.
totally different from that teen filled with rash and immaturity,
today i stood a solemn and calm man.
the same season, the same durians;
the same shores, the same sand,
but no longer the same mates, no longer the same person.

no matter what, the thirst and anticipation for adventure never stops.
another journey is awaiting for me-
i can't wait for it to start!

well, really wish that all will turn out well.

well,

so when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you

no pictures for today, only this quote.
quoted from Mariah Carey's Hero.
an inspirational song that deserves to be hear by all.

i would say, yesterday passed by like a gust of wind.
i spent the day doing A Maths and physics,
and then most of the evening watching chnnl 5.
i wonder if i have spend the time properly,
during this four days that many expects themselves to be studying for the mid yrs.

true, time never waits, and past by very fast.
but i don't regret spending the whole of yesterday,
having a slow paced and relaxed weekend.
because at least, i made myself happy.

we only live once, with so little time spend on Earth.
God knows what will happen to us when we leave this planet.
be it purgatory in Hell, or reincarnation?

we only lived once, once on this wonderful planet.
and the one-time ticket we have for the entrance to Earth,
might be just a mere 60 years.
who knows what will happen to us tomorrow.
we'll never know what we are really, 100% doing tomorrow.
and we'll never 100% know what will take place tomorrow.

but thankfully, we know what will take place today;
we know what we are doing today.
we feel our own existence in today,
gratefully to be able to pass by the obstacles of yesterday.
some might just slack through days and days to reach another day,
but some took efforts to see the coming of tomorrow.

if time is so short, and life is so unpredictable,
then i see no point in doing things that will waste time;
wasting the time we could use to see the beauty of the planet,
wasting the time we could use to enjoy today,
and see the coming of tomorrow,
with an ever-ready and fearless spirit in us.

that's the whole concept of life.
i don't think i would like to be like many of you guys,
wasting this one-time entrance ticket and things that will fret me.
seeking after things that are materialistic,
that will only tire me out, and brings no end to everything.
results, achievement, power, fame, wealth...they ain't everything.
they are not something that is natural on this planet.

but what that exist on this planet ever since it's creation,
will be love, kinship, friendship, care, share.
the various virtues that lies naturally in all mankind from the start.
i paid my one-time entrance fee to see these,
not the power struggling and betrayal for fame of all mankind.
i paid the fee to enter this world,
so that i could help the needy, and make Earth a better place for the next generation.

i live to see the taking place of miracles,
i live to see the existence of love between and human beings;
i live to see care and share showed to one another by mankind,
i live to enjoy and preserve this wonderful world.

if this is the case,
i see no point in chasing after things,
that will cause destruction to my beloved planet,
and will cause hatred between all living things.

remember, we only live once;
once and for all.
a few decades, it's up to how you spend.
the phrase 'spending time wisely',
differs on what you sought after, and what you seek for.

many would say that i am wasting the precious time that wouldn't stay,
wasting the good times of my youth doing things that seems meaningless.

but i dare to stand up to them,
because i took up the courage to seek for things,
in which that they have no courage and ability to sought after.

saturday

well, zihua my brother, your tag there reminds me of another song the Sparkz share.
i guess you'll remember this right?
the time where we were at the lower parade square,
singing this song, trying to jio the ma'am.
again, it was another beautiful memory.
one of the fun times i had with people that i met.
again, i wonder how are my mates doing.

well, at first i came to my blog early in the morning,
and was thinking of blogging to kill some boredom.
but after reading one of my friends tag on the tagboard,
(there there that one that tell me not to be so pessimistic)
i think i got some inspiration to write.
finally that feel is back people.
so let's cut the crap and get into the topic.

and like what she say, there will be people in this world,
i would learn to appreciate for.
i would appreciate for their existence,
appreciate them for what they have done,
all those care and concern they gave me.

yes definitely there are people who i appreciate.
people like my parents, my mates, and some of my old friends.
well xavier if you happen to read this,
i would want to tell you you're one of them.

but i'm just concern about whether if there's people who appreciate me.

to say pessimistic thing in an early saturday morning isn't a good thing to do.
yesterday left me with a good mood for chiong swa today,
and i don't really wish to say pessimistic things that will spoil the mood.
but then, sometimes things really need to be released.
i just wonder if there's anyone who appreciate me.
sometimes, having your existence made zero in many places,
makes you feel like you are not needed by others.

certain times, whenever i'm leaving somewhere,
nobody will note that.
i said goodbye, no one said that back.

a smile from your face,
a reply made to my comment.
sometimes, it's enough to brighten me up for a week.

after going through times where people stood with you,
and you suddenly got abandoned by them.
it doesn't really feels that good.

but i'm glad i'm able to get all that feel back.
that haki, i would say.
that feel that stunned my juniors and shocked my mates.
it was what that took me to the top of the honours last year.

after five months of cold feeling,
i'll just woder if,
next time somebody say's hello or goodbye to me,
will i reply to them?
because living in a class without someone to say hello,
without someone to say goodbye, without someone to reply to your questions,
i'll just wonder if i'll lose that ability to reply.

people i don't want to lose that.

no matter how much you hate or despise me,
next time whenever you see me,
just have that little greeting that will brightens everyone's day.
because i don't want to lose the ability to reply.