Last Moments

And hence, we've come to the last moment of this intensive holiday.
Looking back, I wondered how much have I done,
what have I gained, what have I learn, or at least,
What have I actually done lawfully right during this period...

I can't deny that I somehow or rather wasted this 17 or so days;
the preparation was sort of inadequate, there isn't a fixed timetable,
I don't have a plan to go around things, and neither do i have the drive...
It seems like I've yet to complete whatever that I should,
and in contrary I did all that I shouldn't be doing;
there's this little feeling of guilt in me for wasting the time away,
but on the other hand, I tried consoling myself that this is the maximum I can do,
given the circumstances and mood that I'm in.

Though this supposing shouldn't be a 'reason', or an excuse.

But well, that's the way human beings are, isn't it?

When the clock just keeps on tickling,
and you realize that you're lagging far behind,
and there's too much, too much to catch up,
just because for some moments to tend to let loose...
Ah, that isn't a nice feeling.

Guilt remains guilt, but it's all guilt attributed to myself.
If my life wasn't so demoralizing,
if things in life were a bit brighter,
if there's some reasons for me to strive upon,
if there's some people there to motivate me,
if there's some kind of balance in my drowsy life...
Whatever it is, it's because I let loose somehow.
Karma, how ironic.

Crashing and burning this time wouldn't really hurt much;
but then I tend to have the fear of crashing somewhere down,
I mean, like the big examinations...
That would really hurt a lot.

I kept on reasoning that I don't have drive and reason for me to strive;
even if it's that case, the problem still lies with me.
But how? It just seems like I couldn't solve my own problems;
let alone for others to have some hope on my and give me support.
Sometimes I like to ask myself,
if I were to screwed up again this time round, like how I did in PSLE,
how would it be? What would be the aftermath?

But seriously, unlike the previous time that I harbours the hope of a new life,
this time I like to tell myself to let things be.
I harbour no hopes, no ambitions, nothing.
Or maybe I should say, after so much that happen in life, I choose to give up.
Maybe to many of you it seems like I give up easily,
but that is the case;
at this point of time, I couldn't rewind things anymore.

If things were to go on like this,
without drive, without motivation, without aims...
I'll gladly let it be; I'm all used to it.
Maybe one fine day, I'll just have my own epic story out of this.

Either way, life goes on, doesn't it?

Perhaps I think a little bit too much sometimes.
Or maybe, I feel a bit more than others would.
Well when I look back, fact remains.
It is like this; my life centers around me.

But no matter what turns out, I'll gladly accept.
There might be no drive, no motivation, no reason...
But you wouldn't survive if you don't smile and look on the bleak side of life.

King or vagabond,
whatever it is; I remain who I'm supposed to be.
So, that's my excuse.

Feeling Lost

I sat in front of my desktop, and surfed the Internet in a random manner;
as the clock strucks 12 midnight, I sigh to myself,
"Well, it's one day gone and a new day again."

Again, I spent much of Tuesday studying,
but again it seems like only minority of those information manage to find its way into my mind.
I guess I have been making the least of the last few days-
reading, eating, studying, and then surfing the net...
Life's never been anywhere as bored or aimless like now.

I wonder if there's anyone out there like me,
feeling lost in the midst of a crucial turning point,
and need some motivation or an advice or two...
Again, I somehow realized that perhaps,
I'm the only one going through things like this.

While surfing the net, I was reminded of a peer in school;
I remembered there's this time I make a complain about this peer,
right HERE, on this weblog, which I said that this peer visited my weblog just for the sake of patronizing me;
and also to say that her encouragement for me to blog more is for me to seek emotional and mental reliance on this weblog.
But now it seems like this had sort of come true;
this place is like a little haven for me to hide from the reality,
and I really hope that people, at this point of time,
still patronize my weblog.

Putting this aside, I must say that I feel less and less attached to the world,
as the days passed by.
Let me put it in this way: the lack of communication with the outside world,
together with the hesitation to reach out to others and the lack of confidence,
is somewhat pulling me away from the reality.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a world of mine;
a situation which is not in relation with the reality.
I tend to ignore whatever that's around me,
pay no heed to the people by my side,
not to mention about giving the least attention to crucial points in life.

Using the upcoming prelim exams as an example,
I tend not to be mindful of the dire consequences of flunking the exams;
instead, all that matters to me is how do I make myself happy,
and to ensure that I doing whatever that suits my will and heart.

Precisely, I feel lost.

Living everyday to see the sunrise of another isn't much of a motivation.
Like I mentioned before, I lack motivation and reason;
not just only that, sometimes I feel I lack a dozen other things.
Things as simple as confidence, support, clarity, strength, will...
I don't know why, but it seems like I'm getting nowhere out of everything here.
I don't see the point, I don't see the future, and neither do I see the future.

I yearn for a little spice in life-
to change things, to motivate me, or just as well to hold me on;
but it seems like this arduous journey is never ending.
I'm getting used to the life of a hermit...
but at the same time, I'm getting bored, I'm getting tired...
I'm getting afraid.

I'm afraid that I'll just plunge down,
never to pick myself up again.

But where can I find reliance, seek help?
Who would actually be mindful of me, and give me support?
What can I actually do to end this ordeal?

I'm tired, really tired;
tired of doing all these things without a meaning, a purpose, an aim.

At this point of time, some people that happens to read this might wonder:
Whining for so long, what's my situation?
The fact is that the situation shapes and change everytime,
and yet the effect on me gets bigger and bigger everytime.

I want a breakthrough. I want some change.

But then, I doubt who would actually understand me, really.

In that case, life goes on.

Evaluating Monday

As the days draw nearer towards the prelim exams,
the study attitude and quota intensified.
Today I've spent some 8 hours flipping textbook pages and recollecting formulas...
and you doubt how much fun there is in it, and how could one survive through it.
It's not really much of an event, but it isn't a chore either.
It is, however, something that I think all of us should be doing now.

I guess I must have been missing lots of fun out there.
I'm not so sure about how my classmates are doing;
whether if they are burying themselves in books or enjoying the summer season,
but all I knew is I'm sort of lacking in time and speed.
The quota isn't enough to hit by the time the exams reach me,
and neither do my learning and revising speed is able to catch up with the rest.

I hope that majority of my peers are idling their holiday away;
at least that will give me some consolation of my steady yet slow speed of revising.
But the fact remains that most of them are spending like 70% of each day,
trying to stuff, memorize, recollect everything that is in the syllabus.
This, is just somewhat demoralizing.

But at least, I'm here doing my best;
no hard feelings against my conscience.

But either way out I guess I'm still missing out a lot.

I have always outline about the lack of motivation in my revision,
but so far I have yet to address this problem positively.
As shown in the picture above, I believe I really need a reason.
A reason, something that reason me to study, something to push me,
and most important, to motivate me to greater heights.
But then it remains a fact that I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it-
what a nice reason for me to do something.

These days I'm really concern about the things happening around-
the NATO airstrikes in Libya, the conflict in the South Sea,
and then the comments addressing the problems of housing and transport...
I'm kind of content with myself that at this point of time,
I am still able to connect whatever that is happening in real life to those case studies and values in my textbooks.
At least, to an otaku like me, it just justifies that I'm moving at the same pace as of planet Earth.

Many times I just can't help myself but to relate current affairs to my lessons.
I would basically refer it towards subjects of History and Social Studies.
Especially Social Studies, whereby you learn the basis of managing a nation;
learning about the principles of governance and foreign relations from the textbook,
it puzzles me that why couldn't governments, both local and foreign, do as according to whatever they tried preaching in their education syllabus?
'Leadership is key', 'Anticipate change and stay relevant'...
How true; it seems like actions always speak louder than words,
and these actions... always seem to be so hard to carry out.

And history. Looking at all the bloody conflicts around in this world,
it just signal to me that history is always repeating itself.
How big nations pick on small states, and how war and military is use as a bridge to achieve one's aim...
Whatever case studies I read in my textbook seems to revive everyday.
It's the same story, just that we have a change in the protagonists.

Maybe the problem lies with us; it's maybe a genetic factor.
We never learn, and we couldn't do as of we said.
It seems like we could make a mistake, evaluate it, and then repeat it again.
Same goes for our words; we speak of something this moment,
and then do something else the next moment.

It's the problem with nations, with government...
and I believe, with me.
Like big nations, I never learn from my past failures and mistakes;
and like governments, it seems tough for me to live up to my words all the time.

Well, may it be, and let it be;
because we are, after all, mere mortals.
We are simply a race that live an event and forget it the next day.
And yet again, perhaps that is the reason that we are able to start from scratch everything we fail or lose;
the past is never much of a concern to our progress towards the future.

And that, back again, is why we never learn,
or why I never learn to reflect and reform.

To evaluate and analyze all these here, is fair simple.
Outside, I can give a all-round-applause speech;
here, I can write a thousand words, like now, to reflect the situation.

But as I said, it's never the same when we try to put our words into action.
And I, here, can speak to great heights and extend-
but from where could I start my deeds to realise whatever that I've said?

Maybe, it's because that I'm part of mankind, after all.

And so, if I were to again, crash and burn in this exam,
of course I will wail and weep and cry and shout.
But I guess sometime later, no matter how hard the consequences are,
this incident will get bury by time and past.
At that point of time, I've learn to walk on, towards the future.

Precisely; never to learn from the past, and seldom able to realize my words;
without a target in front for me to progress towards,
what else is there, please tell me, that would motivate me to do my very best in securing a future ahead?

Boredom and Regrets

It's considered to be late now, and I do feel kinda sleepy;
but there's this thought which keeps me away from my bed,
telling me that I should spend some time lingering around in the living room,
think or reflect upon some stuff before I retire for the day.

These days went by with the flipping of textbook pages,
the typing upon the keyboard, and the frequent writing and erasing of maths workings;
I wonder when was it whereby I last stepped out of the apartment.
I wonder how my classmates are spending their holidays;
this time round I don't really have the slow-paced feeling that a holiday will give,
and neither do I feel the stress that the upcoming exams should be exerting on me.
Instead, I just spend the days reading and reading...
maybe for the sake of the upcoming exams, or just to kill time, I don't know.

Sometimes I would watch some movies late in the night,
maybe as a form of self-prescription for the insomnia.
There goes all those science-fiction movies, Source Code, Inception, etc...

These science-fictions always trigger a question,
which I doubt I know or have the ability to answer.
"If there's this instance whereby times can be rewind,
or you can change something for the past,
what would you change?"

Err...
A lot of things came and went, and many incidents took place;
not many left happiness or fond memories,
but a few turned into nightmares that would haunt me for a period of time.
I cannot deny that I did many things which were regretful;
Some of them left hard memories for life,
others drastically altered the path of my life.

There's a lot of things I hoped to change-
like, try not to disappoint some people back then,
stop myself from being rude and disrespectful to some people,
make myself take upon another decision back then,
so on and so forth....
Sometimes I think and think and I came to this conclusion,
in which if I didn't want all these regrets and sadness from the start,
then the only thing I might try altering is to remove my birth from this world.

Ridiculous, but I wonder how much trouble and sadness would that save.

For much of my 16 years of life,
I live in regret, sadness, hatred, self-despise, and most of all, boredom.
For majority of everything I do, bad stuff happen somewhere,
and then I'm left with an emotional or physical consequence to deal with.
If nothing takes place, then I just live simply in boredom and emptiness.

After taking so many turns, meeting so many people, and going through so many situations...
I don't think I have yet to find my purpose, a soul mate, achievement, enlightenment,
much less adventure.
What came by and got stuck were instead regret, hatred, sadness.

Maybe it's due to the cause that I didn't think much before I do.
Perhaps it's due to the fact that I don't understand people, and neither do they really understand me.
Or it's just cause of my character, their attitude, or anything else...

I don't remember there's any good times attributed to personal effort.
Bad times, it's too much for me to list.

Currently I'm facing one of the biggest turning points in life;
yet, due to past incidents and circumstances,
I'm unprepared, unready, unorganised, uncomfortable...
I just hope that I wouldn't end up unsuccessful.

Having screwed up so much in life,
you just hope that this time round something pleasant will be the conclusion.
That's the kind of hope, and feeling I have.

I regret upon my social life, my personal attributions, my education...
I just don't want to regret over my future.
That's something that couldn't be regretful about.

But then, how am I going to survive this ordeal,
given the fact that I'm so badly beaten such that I lost most of my confidence?

Maybe, perhaps, times will be better, someday.

Wimpy Kid?

And so, I spent much of yesterday night watching this movie series,
as shown in the picture, Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
The movie talks about a boy named Greg,
a middle school-er who tries to survive with his problems in school and at home.
Facing problems with his best friend and brother,
Greg faced up with friction with family and friend,
as well as trying to find his stand in the school as one of the more popular student.

This comedy-drama was humourous and educational,
as well as very much of a thought triggering movie.
While looking at how Greg tries to solve his problems and find his true self,
I can't bear but to relate the movie to my own personal life.

I don't have a brother who's a rocker nor a fat friend,
but it was the term 'wimpy kid' that put me and this movie on the same platform.
At times I find that I have much to relate with the protagonist of the film,
but at points I do find that Greg himself have much to consider himself as all-rounded and happy.

I don't know how would others view themselves by watching this film;
but I have this feeling that I'm just like the protagonist of the film.
The kind of feeling whereby you try to do something to prove yourself worthwhile,
yet ending up with unexpected experience and outcomes that you never thought of.

The term 'wimpy kid' still lingers in my mind.
After watching the series of movies, I tried asking myself,
"Am I a wimpy kid? Is my life like as depicted in the movie?"
However, I rather choose not to answer this questions.

I have to admit that I am related to the term 'wimpy kid',
but after facing all these situations and troubles for the past three years,
I guess more or less, even if I were once a real wimp,
I have changed to be so much different than ever.

The plot, though it should be a comedy, were much of a heart-relater;
the time whereby I faced trouble in mixing with people in school,
times whereby I tried to prove myself worthwhile in school,
times whereby I tried to communicate with my family,
times whereby I did ridiculous stuff with my brother,
and times whereby I tried to relate my feelings and thoughts for a girl.

Well, I don't know why,
but my life is rather similar to the movie.

Today, I wonder how many of those 'cool boys' and 'cool girls' in school,
would relate me to the term 'wimpy kid'.
I wonder, how many would still look down on me as before.
And I wonder again, how many would despise me, and look at me with scornful eyes.
Well, at this point of time, it doesn't matter anymore.

Going through the struggles to find oneself,
and the hard times to overcome the prejudice in school;
as well as the ability of leading a platoon towards success,
achieving distinguished honours for the company and starting a new era...
Sometimes people say as times goes by,
these stuff wouldn't matter anymore; you'll have a real life by then.

But it was the survival and adaptability through the hard times that kept me going forward.

Wimpy kid or not, how does it matters?
Sometimes I would tell myself that I am who I am,
but well, it's always the views of others that keeps you a distance from success.

I remembered once a classmate of mine, a female,
asked me why I wasn't the parade commander for the national day parade last year.
(my CCA was in charge of the parade last year)
She then later asked me if it was because that I'm incompetent to do so.

I gave her a slap in the face for this wimpy comment.

I once had an aide-de-camp and a platoon of 27;
my aide-de-camp later created history by being the first assistant to be promote to a senior specialist;
my men won pride and honour for the company by achieving the best results in the past four years.

With this, I don't really think I'm anywhere near a wimp;
having train and lead a platoon of heroes,
I feel like a hero now.

Teh-O

"It's just like this cup of Teh-O, you see.
At the beginning before you start drinking,
you have thoughts and questions about this cup of Teh-O-
its sweetness, fragrance, temperature, or perhaps, bitterness"

It's a clear sunny afternoon whereby I was at a coffeeshop for lunch,
together with Oliver, a platoon mate of mine.
I've always felt that this gentleman is much unique from everyone else-
he seems to be able to understand in a more profound perspective.

"Halfway through, you get a rough idea of things.
You taste the Teh-O, you know it yourself;
its sweetness, its fragrance, its temperature, or perhaps, bitterness...
You get an experience of it, and is starting to make a conclusion.
You know what is going on by this time."

After a hearty meal of chicken rice,
Oliver tried explaining his perception of life,
using the Teh-O that he is sipping slowly.
He feels that the way you see life, at certain extents,
is inter-related to how you do things in life.

"Then later, with half of the volume of Teh-O gone, you start having a perception.
You can treat, and see this half cup of Teh-O differently.
Some says it's half-filled, others half-emptied.
Through the tasting of the previous half,
whatever you taste, whatever you experience, whatever you felt...
you evaluate differently- half-filled or half-emptied."

I concur;
sometimes, life is just so simple that it can be represented by such layman stuff.

"Then as soon as you realised,
you drank the remaining half away.
There's nothing left of the Teh-O, the cup is emptied;
you finished your tea, it's the end of it."

Isn't life, all filled with different feelings,
just like this cup of tea?

"Life is just like this cup of Teh-O.
At the start of everything, you have certain views of thoughts.
How is it going to be like? What will happen? What awaits me?
Little questions trigger your curiosity to find out more.
And hence, without hesitation, you plunge directly into it- life."

And as you begin to experience things-
an event, a situation, an incident, a series of activities, a saga...
You have an experience, you have some after-thoughts.
You went through part of it, you gain some knowledge of it;
you know it better, you understand it deeper.
Some things might be beyond your expectations,
while some, not up to what that was expected.
Maybe at times, things seem to be hitting the target.

"And after savouring half a cup of Teh-O...
You know how it taste like, how it feels like.
Life, for you have went through much and discover, understand, enlightened;
you may choose to stick to the old plan, or maybe, developed a new perception.
At this point of time, you begin to evaluate this life;
how you evaluate it, depends on the previous tasting."

So, some choose to gulp down the last half,
while some decided to sip it slowly.
But a handful of them, finding the tea so nice that they stick to the old way.
There might be a change right now-
the tea at the bottom is thicker, or maybe, sweeter;
the drop it temperature may also result in a more soothing feeling.
But because of the previous half-cup, you might not feel and taste so.

"Without knowing, you're seeing the base of the cup.
The tea, is finished; life, has come to its end point.
And that's it! You've finished this long lap, or should I say, teas session?"

Life, have always been so, isn't it?

"Schoolmates, subjects, teachers...
At the start, you wonder what is it going to be like.
When it's halfway through, experience led you to make a judgement-
half finished, or half left.
Then, without knowing it, you have come to an end.
That's it, after all!"

As Oliver compared life to a cup of Teh-O,
a thousand memories begin to playback in my mind.
The taste of the various cups of tea I ever tasted,
as well as the cups of tea I'm savouring right now;
not to forget about the cups of tea awaiting me to try out.

I thought of whatever that came and went in life;
but what that first came to mind was you.
You were a great friend, one friendly person, one memorable classmate.
The tea session then had been tough and unpleasant-
yet, the tea was fragrant, the temperature was all right, and, it's sweet!
Since then, I have went through various situations, and met several people;
though tasted a dozen cups of tea, but that little volume of earl grey...
It's fragrant, it's soothing feel, it still lingers...

And all the other cups of tea I've tasted.
Some I have regretted; regret for trying to taste unpleasant tea,
regret for not trying to appreciate a good cup of tea.
Some I have enjoyed; a soothing cup of green tea that really refreshed me,
a chilly cup of iced lemon tea that cools everything down in hot summer.

Been it, tasted it;
what's drank, is gone.
All I could do now, is to really go learn to appreciate every cup of tea.
And perhaps, add some sugar to make it sweeter.

But then, that was the summer of '69;
you have always been the most wonderful cup of iced lemon tea.

"And so, you finished it.
But, the taste, the fragrance, it lingers...
leaving an impression in your mind."

Books

I've always have this special affinity with books;
with genres ranging from historical accounts to science fantasy,
and literature classics from different eras and countries.
But for a start, I would like to recount this affinity from my first book:
a pictorial book featuring vehicles.

My childhood interest lies only in Lego and the TV;
and hence, in order to broaden my perspective and understanding of my surroundings,
at age 3, my parents brought me my first book.
It's a pictorial book, featuring vehicles and transportation-
trains, lorries, buses, cars, bicycles, motorbikes, planes, etc.
Till today I still remembered the reason that I've chosen this book-
I was amazed by that special Police Vehicle designed for speeding duties.
So, they paid the cash, and I got the book.

Then they started loading my with different kind of children's book,
basically hoping for me to have some improvement in my reading skills,
as well as developing reading as a good hobby in me.

In Primary School they had this programme called the 'Readers' Award';
the school made it a policy for students to bring a book to school everyday,
and read before lesson starts or during morning assembly and recess.
At that point of time I began to buy my own books, with my own pocket money;
Robin Hood, Ivanhoe, 10000 Leagues Under The Sea...
And every morning I'll just read the English off the books,
not digesting the content or absorbing into the plotline.
Times happen whereby I can read a book,
and don't a single sense out of it after reading some 800 words off it.

The real chemistry took place during my first visit to the library.
As mentioned before, the first book I read was titled 'Winston Churchill';
surprisingly I made every single sense out of that book.
Since then, I began to make weekly visits to the nearby library;
borrowing historical accounts and literature classics of various era.
It seem kind of weird to people that I'm reading books that are beyond what seem to be of my comprehensive level-
even my mother seems to be a bit confused, and perhaps, annoyed at my actions.
She thought that I'm merely looking off the black-white pictures;
and that, she believed, would not help to do anything to improve my English.

At age 7, I never get bored with historical accounts and critical essays.
Before my eighth birthday I'm familiar with so many historical figures;
dictators ranging from Adolf Hitler to Qin Shihuang,
revolutionaries Sun Yat-sen all the way to Simon Bolivar,
famous military commanders such as Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar,
and also many other Presidents and Premiers of great nations.
But surprisingly, I was never interested in scientist and inventors.

It was the 'four books a week' that not only earned me my Readers' Award,
as well as a great deal of knowledge that many deemed to be useless.
At age 10, I could list out the list of dynasties ruling China in chronological order,
having the knowledge of major Chinese battles at my fingertips,
as well as World war II, American Civil War, and some other fun stuff.
Nearing my eleventh birthday I've developed an interest in politics,
all due to the influence of various policies I read in historical accounts.
Besides all these, I gained knowledge of different religions in this world,
as well as some interesting facts of how name of certain things came about.

I'm not exactly a bookworm, after all, those books in childhood are largely related to history and politics;
but I do have to say, I gained a great deal of knowledge out of them.

I remembered there was this time in Primary Four,
when my form teacher, a Malay-Muslim lady, was doing an afternoon class.
She was then teaching some extra facts to the class about religion and religious harmony in the country.
When she went into Islam and the Crusade, I went on elaborating with Muhammad, Saladin, and the Ottoman Empire...

That took her by surprise, and the class, by shock.
It was then that I realised, hey, I do more a little bit more than everyone.

But alas, these knowledge are not traditional subjects.

My affinity with books seems to start fading when I entered Secondary school;
but I continue to read up articles and accounts on historical figures and events,
as well as analysing and studying various political ideologies.
Napoleonic Wars, rise of Prussia, Venice, Florence, Genoa....
and then Socialism, Marxism, Republicanism...
it seems to many that I'm some kind of weird kid wasting my time away on unconventional stuff,
but well, that's where my interest lies.

Surprisingly this affinity with stories and books didn't end here.
At Upper Secondary I realised my interest in writing discursive essays and historical critics,
and that greatly aided me in my English and Humanities subject.
I wrote a couple of narrative and novels in Chinese-
and they're published on the school's essay collections.

At a point of time, I have the thought of publishing a story in the future.

I believed that I was born to have something to do with books;
this affinity, I would say, is a gift.
But sadly this gift didn't really much help me in my science subjects-
but it do helped me amassed great knowledge of this world.
It seems amazing to some of my peers that I'm so 'knowledgeable',
to a point that I can mention some of the world's famous battles,
major events, major figures, and even the history of China in chronological order...

But well, sometimes it seems like what I'm having at my fingertips,
are actually, useless in aiding me in my pursue of education.

But all and all, this fondness for books never fade;
so does my passion for writing.
Though I might not be able to enjoy all genres of books,
and my writing abilities may not be up to standards...
But this affinity with books, with writing,
have led me to aspire of becoming something to do with books and stories in the future.

To L.A.

The lonesome and quite holidays brings upon a form of serenity;
the kind of silence that one requires to clear his thoughts,
in his very own personal space.
But on the other hand, the same silence gave much space for pondering;
pondering over the past, the current, and the future.

Along with this ambience, the forsaken past haunts me.
In the midst of savouring a Geography chapter,
I would like to take some time out,
and then plug in those earpieces playing Jazz,
and lie on the cold floor, closing my eyes.
With the opaqueness of the eyelids covering my sight,
memories began to playback, and it seems like the past have revived...

From the day I start to remember something onward,
I vividly remember life wasn't much of a pleasant to me.
Childhood revolves around playing with toy rifles and pistols,
and a dream of being a cop in the future.
Back then, my parents would pamper me with toys-
M-16, MP5, grenade, riot shield, and even my very own set of 'police uniform'...

Those were the days.

Then came to a time when I was about 6 or 7,
I entered the library for the first time in life;
and I remember clearly, the first book I borrowed was title 'Winston Churchill'.
Since then I aspire of being a politician,
bring change to the current system, making improvements for the people.
However, my parents would just simply laugh at my aspiration-
at times, I faced rattling and the cane for sticking to this aspiration.

Perhaps it was the smooth-flowing and ignorant childhood that made me egoistic.
I entered school as a proud, boastful and ill-mannered individual.
But somehow I manage to survive the first wave of schooling days;
it was my conversation abilities, and that thick-skin that kept me surviving.

Of course, things weren't very well after all,
and worsen during secondary school days.

I remembered clearly, that other than the childhood dream of being a policeman,
I didn't have the support of family of friends regarding everything else;
ranging from dreams, aspirations, all the way to CCA.
Dad and Mum would shoot me down, and Bro would just wait to see me screw up.

Till today, whereby I harbour the dreams of being a novelist,
and to see my stories turn into great films casting big celebs...
Reality, family and friends weren't there to give me a push.

The lack of support throughout 16 years of life stripped me of my confidence.

At earlier times I tried to do things on myself;
there is a stubbornness in me to prove everyone wrong.
I want to prove to my parents that I could excel in the choice I made,
I want to prove to my brother, that I ain't that useless as he sees me.
So, I went on to make terrible choices in life.

I've never excel in the choices I made; I screwed up my CCA,
I screwed up my personal relationships, I screwed up my teachers.
Or should I say, I've never excel in anything I do?
Perhaps that was what that made my parents rebut my aspirations;
maybe they knew it was the wrong choice, after all.

I've always yearn for the taste of being champion- champion for anything.
But there seems to be curse that I would never emerge champion for anything;
I don't top the results, neither do my looks stands out of everyone,
nor do I have real talents to make me look outstanding.

Putting that aside, I've always got the feeling that something is missing in life.
Taking at a good look at people around me, particularly my peers;
They have what that I perceive as 'needs' for a teenage;
Love, CCA achievements, good results, and a bunch of good friends.
But... I seem to have nothing?

I tried not to admit that I'm a loser in life; a fact since I began to mature.
I tried not to think about whatever that others have and I don't...
I tried not to think abut my past failures, which drastically altered my path of life...
I tried not to think about the people I have screwed, and my bad attitude...

But they remained as reality.

Times and times some people gave me chance;
chance to improve, chance to change;
but everytime I will screw them.

Perhaps, that was the reason why I keep on failing in life: I never learn.

A couple of things hangs around in my mind;
how my form teacher tried to reformed me,
yet I screwed him up, and also screwing his subject;
how my friends tried to change me, but I screwed them up,
and they left me eventually...

Sometimes I wonder why life keeps on screwing me.
Then I realised in fact i was screwing too much in life.

I never had the support of people around me;
and in addition, neither do my actions and their outcomes give me faith.

I dare not ask for another chance; I'm somehow, defeated by adversities;
yet if chance allows, I only ask for a much simpler life than this.

Yet, life goes on.

Return

I don't know why, but there is a sudden urge pulling me back here-
a place which I have forsaken and a site that everyone has forgotten.
After all, I have to admit that this is where all the feeling goes;
this blog have followed me through the hardest of times.
It must have been the feeling to shout-out,
that pulled me back here.

A lot had happened since the temporary-hiatus;
the same shit happens but just on different days.
School, homework, extra lessons, and...
Well I think my life basically just revolves around work.
And well, in a fortnight's time the first round of exams are coming,
but it seems like I've yet to be prepared.

I lost track of time- I don't know where I'm standing,
neither where am I heading, nor what am I doing.
It seems like I lost every reason and meaning for me to do something productive.
A simple 'why' just visioned everytime I ponder over to do something.
And life, became mechanical and routine;
you live everyday simply for the sake of living it.

My concentration shifted all the way onto schoolwork ever since the passing out.
With my discharge from the Corps, the cellphone seems to quieten down.
No more business, no more questions, no more requests.
Except for a few times whereby some classmates have questions regarding Humanities.

And well, previously the boys used to take up much of my life.
Every Friday, and also days whereby events are up on the list.
A few days back they faced the biggest turning point of their career;
attending the Specialists' Course.
I must say a handful of them produce astonishing results-
we got our first Award from a Phrase Two Course.
And a handful of Second Sergeants.

I must say as their previous Platoon Sergeant,
I took pride in their achievements.
After all, these people served under me once;
not to mentioned that I selected the next batch of leaders.
But yet, there are still a few rotten apples in the basket;
but thankfully, they ended up well.

At this point of time I'm having mixed feelings.
On one hand, I feel happy and proud;
the Sergeant Major, a couple of Specialists and some outsiders,
once said that this platoon will fail and crumble under me.
It seems like I've prove them wrong, or should I say,
the boys helped me proved them wrong?
Now this bunch of faggots can shut the hell up.
The boys, they succeed.

On the other hand, I wonder at this point of glory,
will the boys still remember me?
I wouldn't claim credit towards their achievements and outcome;
it still, after all, depended on their own perseverance and enthusiasm.
Those that did well, congratulations.
But well, to say a word of fact, I taught them, I trained them.
To the shiny apples, I plucked and polish them.
To the rotten apples, I never gave up on them.

Will they still remember the old master that see them through,
or thank themselves fully for the outcome?

Till now, all doesn't matter after all.
I've done my job, I've fulfilled my responsibilities.
At least, I got the dignity to face the Commanding Officer.
At best, I could walk with my head high.

Leaving a legacy, leaving a story? I doubt so.
At the start of the New Era, how many would remember the figures of the Past?
At the point of victory, how many would thank the guiding of the Past?
At the achievement of greater heights, would they remember, that they are scaling this world on a giant's shoulder?

Who remembered me-
for my deeds, for my sins, for my memories, of my legacy...
it doesn't really matter after all.
Life goes on, things move on- they've grown up; it's all up to them.
Leaving any respect for the old past, ha, it's not worth it.

For chance once let me lead a platoon of elites.
Now, I look forward to service in SAF and French Foreign Legion in the near future.