青菜就好

and it's another hard time.
hard time with the papers.
there's somewhat too much time for me during my comprehension paper,
that i went to sleep.
and then in the end i got a shock when the co-form tcher woke me up.
and then SS.
lagi best la, ask all the questions that i dunno.

today is friday.
and we have quite some stuff going on today except exams.
a couple of SSP, since we're missing quite some lessons due to the exams.
HCL and physics. now the HCL is the exciting part.
i never thought that Mr Cheow is a Naval Lieutenant in NS.
his fair skin just gives me the impression of a typical chao kheng in NS,
which he would just end up with the transports or clerks after BMT.
quite impressive. teacher + script writer + naval lieutenant.
but i'll be more impressive than that.

and we're going to have a half time next week.
one week of rest before the main papers.
to many, it should be the last week of hope and revision.
well, i'm going to go through the same old shit in that week.
isolation. no smile. bochup. what else?
i really hope that all these will not affect my will for study,
but sadly, it already does.

for now in life, i would like to brush away everything with this hokkien phrase,
"chin chye tio ho".
it just means literally that 'anything is good',
which we can define as having an easygoing and carefree life is the best.
also, 'chin chye' is the noun for green vegetables;
so the phrase also means having things ordinary is good,
since green vegetables are of such a common variety.

many times in life i use to value many things highly.
in the past, honour, fame, authority.
i valued such things that in the end,
it cost me what i seek after.
i lost the access to all these that i sought after.
and recently this year,
i valued friendship, harmony, so much so much.
i thought that entering 3E2 is a new start.
but then, not did i have gained nothing, no new start,
but i also lost the friends i have in the past.

maybe is because i valued things and people too much.
to a point that i cannot let any other people have a hold of it.
now, i lost everything.

for now whenever i faced troubles,
be it big or small, from whatever area it arises,
the attitude which i will face it with,
will be 'chin chye tio ho'.
maybe after all at the end of the day,
facing things with an ordinary, optimistic and easygoing attitude is the hardest to achieved.

once a writer told me that an ordinary attitude and lifestyle is the hardest to achieve;
not many things can be peaceful and harmonious.

for the past i would wake up in the morning with a gloomy face,
then go to school, trying to smile, hoping that others would smile at me.
but of course, hardly anyone did la,
and sometimes, even no one.

so i decided, from today onwards,
no matter what that happens;
no matter if i fail my exams,
no matter if i had no company in the class,
no matter whatsoever,
the only attitude would be,
'chin chye tio ho'.

able to face hard circumstances with a soft attitude,
is the hardest to attain.

i used to face hard circumstances with a harder attitude,
in which i defeated the obstacles,
and thinking i was right.

but i was wrong.

but at least for now,
i know i was wrong.
now, i am not wrong.

struggle well

i struggle hard, but i struggle well.

i would say that the first components of the mid years were quite some struggle.
the english essay writing simply baffled me.
without much inspiration to write today,
i struggle until i have four pieces of crushed paper at the end of the exam.
after spending a long, dull life in where i find it dull,
i lost most of the skills that i learned last year.
skills on struggling within an obstacles, so on.
after losing all these skills, i wonder what is left of me.

the chinese paper was somewhat or rather, easy.
not because that i have strong mandarin foundation,
but because the topics give me enough inspiration to write.
it is more about family/filial piety kind of topic.
6 pages totaling up to a thousand plus words.

think about it. a struggling english essay on school life,
and a touching chinese story on filial piety.
this is life for me.

and then there is more to come tomorrow.
SS, and then we have english also.
then after a one week break,
we got to go through everything again.
it's kinda hard, and kinda tough.
struggling hard through this kind of times;
facing obstacle academically and in peer relationship wise,
and then that affects your mentality.
i guess this is another challenge from above.
whether if i accept it or not,
it had already started.

well, quality of this blog is getting worse and worse.
life needs some spice, some chill, some flavour.
but sadly no one is here to give it to me.
i would wonder why life is always so hard on me, always.
and i thought of one day if i have enough cash,
i'll go for plastic surgery.
hmm, the face of those cute japanese ladies.
maybe people will like me better.

leading a dissipated life,
i wonder when would the day that i would rise again arrive.
i lost too much this year, i learned to much.
and i gone through so much.

i'm just tired.
i really need help.
but no one is there.

isolation

well, long time ever since i've blogged.
as i've said, getting lesser and lesser inspirations nowadays,
due to the dull and bland lifestyle.
but since i'm having my essay writing exams tomorrow,
i might just as well come here and write some of my feelings.
be it a kind of revision, be it an expression of myself,
it doesn't really matter.
let my story began.

today was another day.
another i had like the previous days.
the days occupied by the dull, bland routine.

again i went to school.
it's the same kind of feeling.
most of the times you feel alone,
and the only territory you occupy is your seat in class.
hardly did i have a conversation with anyone since days ago.
if i were to open my mouth,
what that is coming out will be a few verbs and phrases relating to work.

i grew to be afraid of crowds.
an outgoing person like me, surprisingly,
turned into a timid, shy, moody person.
no longer i could stand tall and proud,
like how i was before.
after some time when you get forgotten by the many,
you'll come to be afraid of people.
it's because for a long time,
you've never come into much contact with people.

going to school everyday, is more or less a torture to me.
going into a class of 45 where hardly anyone speaks to you;
your existence is as if it was not realised by the many.
you tried to speak, no one replied you.
you want to speak to others,
but they are all engaged in their own conversations.
people can be close to each other and smile to each other.
but never with me.

i missed the days in Impel Down.
at least the jailers there expresses their feelings to you;
you know how they feel, how they think of you.
you know what kind of stereotype they have in you.
but never in here, a place i thought was a point of changing.
i thought this would be a new start of life.
another checkpoint, all starting afresh.
four months passed, they are still like strangers.
you never know how they think about you,
you never know how they feel about you.

it's just a bit weird when everyone can get together except you.
everyone gets involved in the same joke, laughing together,
but then, you're there all alone.

i prefer the days in Impel Down.
though it was a hard time,
facing insults and tortures of all forms;
but having one or two jailmates along with you,
enduring the pain and hardships,
those tortures will just shape you into a better man.
but not now in here.
i dunno what should i use to describe this place.
where you're just all alone, doing everything alone.

everyday i enter this room with a weird feeling.
'it's a new day, a brand new one.' i told myself.
but history just repeats itself.
they wouldn't want to come into contact with me,
and they wouldn't response to me;
sooner or later, i walk alone.

i would say the environment decides everything of the person in it.
living under clear tortures that helps to shape me,
i rose to become one of the most academically inclined person in Impel Down.
it was all that encouragement you had from the tortures, the clique, so on.
but not here. they don't express their feelings, no cliques.
even if i have one, they just don't smile to me.

and today i lost another friend.
it had been a bad day for me;
and rarely i got some people to disturb me out of fun.
but that got me too high, and i hit my friend in the head.
i apologise for that, sorry.

at this point of time,
i cannot just rise like how i did in Impel Down.
i need guidance.
i need a mentor.

is it?

for a long time i never felt that warmth.
that warmth from a hand that reaches to you when you really need it,
that warmth from a palm that holds you tightly,
pulling you from where you fell and pushing you forward.

i guess this is going to be another recount of my hard lfie.

the situation is school is still the same.
i walked alone, i sat alone, i did almost everything alone.
when the bell rang for class banding,
students when to their destinations in groups and cliques,
filling the atmosphere with joy and laughter.
only i walked alone, ahead of the many cliques,
hoping to reach my destination faster and get the class starting.

when the bell for recess rang,
again students went off in groups and cliques,
and i was there, left alone, with no company.
occasionally i'm joined by long time friends from other classes;
but most of the times, i'm all alone.

everytime when it's time for people to get into groups;
be it time to go for lessons, time for recess, groupwork;
i'm always left behind, alone, stranded.
for i used to be afraid and upset,
afraid of the loneliness, upset of my peers.
but today i stood strong in such occasions.
for i have company with me,
one who told me how to be strong,
one who taught me self-survival.
his name is loneliness.

i taught i will turn into someone different under such circumstances,
i am afraid, i am scared.
but not now today;
because indeed, i turned into another person, reserved and quiet.
but i am not scared nor afraid,
because these outcomes are not as scary as i thought to be.

occasionally i am greeted by some classmates;
a little 'hi', a slight smile.
i do really appreciate that, for these actions brighten up my day.
but then, most of peers have something to hide from me.
hiding the truth when i asked them a general question,
be it directed at me or at them.

i do have friends that will wait for me,
accompanying me some of the times.
but i know, they just did it our of sheer friendliness or sympathy.
they're much, much more friendly with other people.

i have teachers who cared for me.
teachers who asked me 'how are you? alright?',
teachers who try to patch things up between me and my classmates.
but i'm afraid they did so just to only get the class going smoothly,
so their lessons would not be disrupted.

i walked alone, across traffic lights,
along corridors, in and out of the canteen.
when i felt sad, there's no one to cheer me up.
when i'm happy, no one bothers about my joy.

but i'm happy, that i could still hold on.
i dunno till which day i'll go bonkers over this;
i thought of one day i'll get really depressed,
and go to school armed with a katana,
slashing anyone on my way.
i don't really want to see myself in such an end.

at least for now, i can still hold on.
at least for now, i'm still strong.
at least for now, i would give a slight smile,
and say,
'what a wonderful world'.

another saturday

this song always reminds me of the fond memories i have at FSD '09.
the song that my team used to perform for our exhibition drill.
and at that time i was the IV doing the reporting in and out.
"good morning sergeant major..."
listening to this song, all those fond memories seem to come back to life.
drilling together under the hot sun, jio-ing the pretty instructor...
i wonder how are my mates doing.

today is a packed day for me.
went for a talk about literature this morning.
not the shakespearean kind or the chinese wayang literature;
it's the kind that talks about writing. books. publishing.
no good, i'll say. our local writing inspiration i getting worse and worse.
perhaps this is an effect of the local hectic lifestyle.

there's a lot of work for me to clear today.
two a maths paper, one physics paper, and then an 'optional' english paper.
that's what that happens when the exams are round the corner.
seriously i am not into the exam mood;
not getting myself ready, not getting everything prepared.
alone the hectic daily lifestyle tires me out;
now who will give a damn about exams?

well, enough of all the exams and work.
i must say that today i realised something.
i realised a change in me.
i realised that i've become so much thoughtful.
thoughtful in a way that i think extraordinary.
not the kind of thoughtful that you think for others.

listening to all the authors' talks today made me realised my thoughts have surpassed them by a high level.
i might be only a teen, but hardships in my life allows me to have a real simulation of the various thoughts and inspirations of life.
going through office politics, peer quarrels, peer isolation...
going through many things in life, which i would gladly say,
makes me an expert in the field of human philosophy.
teachers who marked my essays are greatly stunned by my words;
"a high level of maturity and clear philosophy", many would say.

by going through so much shit in life,
i guess it made me a person who have seen through many things.

i would say that if you're a keen reader of my blog,
then you'll notice that the quality of my post keeps improving.
this is not because that i have made tremendous improvement in my language,
but i have seen through many things that allows me to have a fairer, clearer mindset than many other people.

seldom i write post about philosophy nowadays;
because i guess at this stage i have come to understand many things.
that leaves me with no more enlightenment and inspiration in life.
however i believe that there is still a lot that i need to learn, i need to go through.
and i await for the arrival for all these obstacles that is going to teach me various morals and various lessons of life.

been through, seen through.
coming to understand many things in life is a happy, yet painful thing.
realising how much you have come to understand that makes you clear,
yet you paid a high price for these lessons in life.

everytime i look back at my post written years back,
i would laugh at my stupidity and immaturity then.
well this just tells me that i have changed for the better.

life is a long journey.
though i might have came across many scenery,
set foot on many terrains,
but i believe that there is still more adventure awaiting for me in this journey of life.
now i await.
awaiting for the new start of another journey,
to bring me somewhere higher than where i am now.

for self, for masses?

here's a picture of Japanese Troops on the Manchurian Plains.

well, read an excerpt from a recount of a Japanese WW2 war veteran during HCL class today;
it says about how this person, a soldier from WW2,
have to join the army in order to avoid the execution by the Japanese authorities.
and he, reluctantly have to commit atrocities in China in order to survive.
the Rape of Nanking. he have to kill Chinese troops and resistance forces in order to survive.

well, this HCL lesson left much thoughts in my mind for the whole day.
it just tells me that sometimes in life,
we don't have a choice to choose.
like the person in the recount,
he had to join the army, if not he'll be executed;
he have to kill and fight Chinese troops,
if not he'll be the one getting killed.

really, many times in life, things happen when we are left with no choice.
we have to do certain things, because that is what we can only do then.
maybe it's a lot about survival;
like the man mentioned, he joined the army to survive,
he kill to survive, he commit atrocities to survive.

i guess the most basic about the world is survival.
only when we are alive, then we can do other things.
many will fight to survive, struggle to survive, and even harm others to survive.
when we value life over any other thing else,
we are left with not a lot of choices to choose over.

i will say once more, human beings are selfish.
we value our very own survival over any other things else.
over morals, over rules, over goodness.
we can brush aside everything, in order to survive.

people from the past value morals over life.
they are willing to sacrifice their lives in order not to do something wrong,
so that what is right will be done, at the cost of their lives.
nowadays people will do anything to keep themselves alive.
to put this into a smaller scope,
people will do anything to achieve their personal means, including survival.
that's why the society is getting darker and darker.
because people value self over morals and the masses.

i would say that a desperate person,
that is desperate over self survival and self aims,
will do anything to keep himself surviving, or getting the aims achieved.

who would value morals and the masses over self nowadays?
morals and live, which one is more valuable?
many things in this world often goes wrong,
because people tend to value things that are invaluable.
friendships breaks because people value self over friends;
war breaks out because people value profit over peace;
quarrel breaks out because people value self interest over the interest of the masses;
just because when people value the wrong things,
everything starts to go wrong.

i would like to ask,
would you live a life of self-survival,
working hard to make yourself the top of everything;
or would you give up your life,
in order to preserve a right cause and keep it going?

i guess when such situation arises,
most people wouldn't find it hard to make a choice.
i guess you all have your very own answer,
about which to choose over.

today.

argh. i'm down with flu and cough.
all thanks to tuesday and ziying.
pass the flu and cough to me.
argh, i can't talk properly, i can't breathe properly.
i should have buy tuesday some strepsils when she started coughing last week.
so sian. i must go spam herbal tea liao.

today, is just another busy day.
well, the quality of my post are getting more and more shitty;
there isn't much inspiration for stuff when there's nothing exciting, fun, interesting and hardcore happening in your life.
all you do everyday is just go school study, then go home sleep.
with a life like that, living under such circumstances,
i don't think i'll have much inspirations for life.
how i want my sec 2 life back,
where there's stories daily.

many people are getting MCs nowadays.
sick, fever, whatsoever.
well, the problem is that we study too hard until we fall sick.
eh the school principal, go home and 'mian bi si guo' pls.
look what you have done! hardcore until people fall sick.
i don't think we can give the school good results when we're not in tip top condition to perform.
all they have to do is, change the new art studio into a big gym,
and then extend the canteen a bit, try to cut down on the workload.
under good living conditions, then will we be able to perform in our best.
i guess this goes the same for everything other thing else.

oh by the way, today we had a little chat with Mrs Ang about local students and foreign students. those ang moh ones.
i voiced out about how we're getting a lot of stress,
then unable to perform in our best.
and then putting us into comparison with the ang moh students in UK, US.
then she rebutted, saying that there's a high percentage of these Caucasians that are illiterate.

somehow i think that, it's better to live a happy life than a stressful one.
we fought and struggle non-stop for all the results and targets;
what where's it going to get us in the end? death?

to see that all mortals came into this world empty handed,
and leaving empty handed, too.
i'm not trying to say that we shouldn't be productive;
but we only live once, and we should enjoy.
one chance, it's about how you used it.

give me that chance, i'll rather have a normal salary, and live a happy man;
rather than to have fabulous riches, but struggling and fighting all day to keep myself in the ranks of the society.
sometimes, being happy is the most important.

learn to enjoy this life;
when you're really happy, enjoy that moment.
when you're stress, just throw away all the workload, and give yourself a breather.
i guess people survive not because they are strong willed, but because they are happy.
being happy makes you cheerful under any circumstances.
so what's the use when you're so strong willed and tries to tear down the metal wall with just only brute strength?
i guess a smile melts the wall faster than it is to be torn by any strength.

that's optimism.
people get far in life not because they are strong,
but because they are happy.
once again i'll say, we only live once.
don't live to be stressed, don't live to be sad, don't live to struggle.
it's a blessing to be able to tour this mundane world once.
cherish it. live life happily, live life lively.

survival.

test results are back.
well, ain't that good.
having two A and a few Bs here and there,
i don't think they'll look nice on my GCE O lvls cert.
so, i just really have to buck up,
get my speed a little bit faster,
and catch up with the rest.

i would say that this society is one about survival.
you lose out a bit, you'll get ousted in the next second.
it's all about having a stand in this darkened, corrupted society.

i wonder why must young minds be polluted.
to be taught about the fake and harsh urban survival since young;
through learning to compete through academics and sports.
a chinese proverb goes, "you're a king when you win; you're a thief when you lose".
in this society, when you lose out, you're not just a thief.
you'll be worse than that.

perhaps i must say that this society is selfish.
every man for himself.
we learn how to fight for our own rights, how to solve our own problems;
how to get up on our own feet, how to help ourselves up.
but we never learn to share what we have, we never learn to help others.

i must say that i learn a lot in the past two years.
learning how to get up on my own,
learning how to keep myself surviving under hostile circumstances.
i must say, i learn how to get myself surviving.
but there's more that i need to learn.
i need to learn about how to get others surviving.

i must say the more a man knows, the more selfish he is.
man always knows that self comes before any other people.
it's kinda sad case to talk about this; but it's the truth.
a very ugly truth that many wouldn't want to know.
well, when one person is sacrificing himself for others,
then what is left after all the claps and tears for the heroic actions?
nothing.

same theory applies in school.
i have came across situations that every man fights for himself.
be it a struggle between your mental will in exams,
be it a struggle for power and authority in cca and clubs;
it's every man for himself.

i don't like this.
let's stop polluting the minds of the young ones.
teach them how to share, how to love;
not to sacrifice.

laugh at me, i must say.
but one day,
maybe you'll feel the same sharing and love coming your way.

hikari

i just need a light or something to brighten up life now.
or, maybe a little lighthouse to guide me to the shores.

feeling very lost in life.
lost all the motivation that keeps me running in the long run,
lost all those friends that once shared the same jokes with me;
lost the legendary spirit that got a broken one back on his feet,
lost the will to go on with the faraway dreams.

maybe in the past, i don't need one.
but now, yes. i need one to guide me.
maybe i'm worn out and rusty after all the waves and storms.

i wonder if i could have another chance to choose in life.
to choose to do the things that i did wrong.
choosing to cheer those hearts that i broken.
choosing to stop those mistakes that landed me in troubles.
yet thinking again, i would choose to commit them once more.
because, they and those, are what that makes me grow.

the MYEs are on the way to me.
not getting ready yet, but soon, i'll be ready.
i really wonder, if i have lost all the power to fight like how i fought years back.

they say that it is time,
that changes a man, shapes a man, prove a man.
but time taught me many things.
it taught me that it would never be with me.
i have to run after it.

so, people, don't waste good time doing things meaningless.
do something that's worthwhile.
do something that's beneficial.

5 items test tmr.
and then, HCL test, then, MYEs.
following will be spec course, and then a lot of things.
life never stops for us to take a break.
we have to find time ourselves to take a breather from the haste.

running out of inspirations.
the dull life left me with nothing to write.

with only sake wine for company

and today, is another short day in school like yesterday.

my only comments for the shoot today is,
"bring back my trusty M16".
now i know the very reason why a weapon used in vietnam war is still being widely used now.
the trusty M16 have low recoils and wider muzzle velocity.
what makes a rifle a good one isn't whether if it's equipped with a scope;
but whether the key factors are really affecting the shooter or not.
looks like the Singapore-style of thinking should not be used in the local technology.

and well, i have flag day tmr.
so my target is like i'm going to walk around the island;
who cares whether if there's any coins in my tin.
and there goes one good saturday that can be use for studying.

well, it's getting late, and getting darker;
many things cropped up so badly,
that makes me wonder if i still have the energy to carry on with all the shit in life.
fail in CCA, fail in studies, fail in the class, fail everywhere else...
sometimes, a mere mortal's stamina isn't that strong to go that long.
there's still a great length of the long run left.
well, this never-ending rat race killed many unwilling joggers.

i must say, i'm drunk.
not drunk by alcohol, but drunk by life.
made dizzy, unconscious, unclear by life.
little things here and there, together they make a big problem.

i always have a tendency to think a certain way,
as i have mention in my many post.
why did the world turn out such a way for me?
perhaps i found the one and only solution, or answer to this.
i am, just a mere sacrifice for those who can tahan the ever-changing world,
keeping up with the pace of this world, fighting to dominate over the losers.
well tell me, who wants to be a loser forever?

have been reading a lot on Communism nowadays.
i hated Communism to the core,
but now i see the point of why this idea was embraced by many.
because those that are defeated in life,
have nothing to their name; not a chance of revival.
but this equality system benefits them a lot.
alas, the human mindset isn't that advance to accept Communism, that's why it fails.

i'm drunk on life. drunk with all the shit going on.
drunk with all the obstacles that are biased to me.
drunk, to forget and escape reality,
to find an illusion-ed world of my own.
i'm terribly drunk.
drunk to escape the fact that not all mortals are born equal.

for times i thought its best for me to fight on with this hardships.
yet sometimes i thought of renouncing the mundane world,
and leave this earth to corrupt on its own.
i find myself rather self-contradicting;
the speeding world cause me to lose my true self.

sometimes, i forgot who i am.
forgot what is my true personality,
forgot what i'm like all the time.
forgot about how i usually behave.
forgot myself.

i don;t just want to be a mere sacrifice.
i want to have a chance, to shine, to fly.
like what all of you have.
chances that comes your way for you to shine, to fly.
all i want is, one chance.
one chance that makes me prove myself.

i'm more than what you expect me to be.

*piak*

and today, well, i'll just say it's a bit ordinary.

really like how the timetable is like today.
have all the slack lessons before i go for my shoot.
and well, sometimes NCC events cropped up here and there,
they can bring you lots of advantage.
i just earned two more days to study for my sciences tests.

well i'm a bit surprised when i saw my 2.4km run timing today.
12.18, it's kinda lousy,
but given the situation yesterday, it's already a blessing in disguise.
just imagine running with blisters under the scorching sun.
having a C grade is better than nothing.

and i'm a bit shocked when i tried the computerised SAR-21 today.
the zeroing just piss me off, the round can hit 10+ metres away when you shoot the target.
this get me and little ken panicking away.
but thankfully i manage to score a pass with such a lousy weapon.
it's already a blessing in disguise.

sometimes i always thinks that we should not be grumbling for what we lost.
yet instead, we should be thankful for what we gained, or what we have.
like today, my situation on my IMT shoot and my 2.4km run.
look on the bright side of things.
if you don't look at the bright side, things wouldn't brighten up.
then certainly things will appear to be dull and bad for you.

a lot of times we feel that life is bad is because,
we fail to see the other side of things.
sometimes, when you choose to change your perception a bit,
things will have a very big contrast with what they used to be.
we would rather use the energy to complain and grumble,
but not to customise ourselves to situations.

perhaps human beings should learn to be like water.
they have an indefinite shape;
they take the shape of whatever thing that contains them.
well, we should also have an indefinite shape;
but shaping ourselves to situations,
rather than we complain and grumble like it's the end of the world.

many times in the past i would grumble and complain,
for why things didn't go my way;
but the hard life makes me to think differ.
sometimes, by shaping yourselves as accordingly to the situation,
perhaps, in the end, you would find yourself emerging as the winner.
because only one that adapts to the environment can survive.

well, if we don't have the power to change,
then don't waste the power on complaining and grumbling.
use the power to live with it.

a day in life.

well, today's been somehow, to a certain extent, a bad day.
but what's fortunate is that at least, everything had passed.

various incidents left me with a lot of hirameki today.
well the first that gets the day going a bit haywire,
would be something that will get people to be really pissed.
well, this bunch of gals accused me of theft in the canteen.
well no one's stupid to steal in the eyes of public and risk a police report for something worth 30c,
much less talking about someone like me.
so, in the end, i had to go down to the canteen,
explain to the vendor, and get the gals to understand,
'you people misunderstood'.
it's really a pissing incident,
but thankfully the ADM was there to facilitate.
i really wanted to give a mind of my own to that cute gal that accused me,
who, on the way to the canteen, accused me like a dog;
and then, to only shrug that off with embarrassment on her face.

well, after all, it teaches me that,
things will go messy if we don't understand the full course of it.
and this incident gives those gals a real life experience,
which they can use on essay topics like "a misunderstanding",
or something like "an embarrassing situation".
well gals good luck in your n lvls.

and another major event that took place in life today was the 2.4km run.
seriously, i never thought that i would ****ed so badly.
i thought wearing small shoes would makes me run more gracefully;
but what it does is only to slow down my speed,
and give my blisters.
and i endured that pain throughout the whole course.
no joke folks.

so, my standard dropped, and i wore the wrong shoes.
it just teaches me that,
sometimes when you think that one method would work,
but actually it wouldn't when you put it into use.
things have to be tried, in order to be confirm.
and that's what experiments are for.
we have to try, so we know.
now i try, and i know.

and sooner or later i'm going for a re-test.
well, sometimes in life we have to be a bit more stubborn;
we have to cling onto things that gives us our little checkpoints in life.
well if i myself can't achieve a good timing for my run,
then how am i able to set a good example to my juniors?

and certain times in life we have to challenge ourselves.
today my biggest competitor on the track ain't anyone,
but myself.
often, i took all the re-test is not to prove that i'm stronger that anyone else;
but to show that i have overcome myself, my weakness, and set a new peak.

in life our biggest competitor will always be ourselves.
now let's look at this in layman's term:
who will be the one that tells you what you want to achieve,
what you want to have, what you want to get?
it's yourself.
those so called competitors that appear around us,
are just live targets to remind us that we have to reach that target or aim,
in order to get closer to defeating the biggest competitor,
ourselves.
this just means that we improve ourselves as according to these competitors,
and when we defeat one of them,
we are a step nearer to challenging and overcoming ourselves.

well, it's just little incidents that happen in my life.
for such things many people would just give it the F word,
and grumble on and on;
but i would choose to look on the neutral and realistic side of it.
because all inspirations of life lies in life itself.
there's no way that inspiration would come to us.
we have to find them, as accordingly in life, by ourselves.

learn to look things in a different perspective.
maybe you'll just see something different.
so different that it fascinates you.

you only live once

credits from google.com

okay, so, one life, do something.
well, i just think that, we only live once.
once, and how long is this one time?
i would say, excluding your sleep time,
and then some time for sickness,
another some time for learning things that wouldn't benefit you,
you wouldn't have much.
time that really gets you to enjoy and 'hiong' is roughly around...30 years?

we don't have much time for ourselves.
is like, we only celebrate one birthday for each age once.
and then, that's it. for every second that passed,
you are another second closer to death.
so, if time ticks away so fast like never,
then maybe we should use this time to do something meaningful.

it's a bit like a one chance game.
whether if you want to unlock all the levels,
and top the high score, or just play it and enjoy it.
well in anytime of life you find yourself doing something you don't like,
then that's not living! that is just a good waste of time!

in life we don't have much chances around us.
certain things always comes once.
learn to grab for opportunities.
for they might not be with you the next second.

learn to view things in a more optimistic way.
it's a bit like, if there's a wall blocking your way,
you have to do something about it.
whether if you make a detour or knock it away,
you still have to do something.
not stoning there and waiting to die.

i just wonder that if we only live once,
then we should give everything one go.
at least, we wouldn't regret in the end.
one life, live it.
whatever that comes our way- take it our way.

don't like homework? then heck care.
feel tired? sleep!

we're just too young.
too young for any bullshit that cult of personalities created.
maybe, for once, we should just live life our way.
use it meaningfully or not,
as long as we think the time is well spent,
then, it is.

have dreams, then have a go.
don't learn to regret.
learn to try-
even if you fail, at least you try.

peak it.

suddenly, i felt that i've understand many things that i never used to understand.

i just 'woke up' from an 'illusion' that i've been having for three years;
something that used to kill me slowly, day by day.
suddenly i felt a sense of relief;
relieved that all is over. all this internal struggle within myself.
because i choose to do something that i shouldn't do,
and well, i did it. but it's never late to repent.

time are getting lesser and lesser these days.
i put it in this way is to say that the workload is getting much heavier.
with all the PFT and MYE coming our way,
well, 24 hrs will just feels like 4 hours soon.
a week could passed by like a day.
well, people i don't want that. do you?

and then, i just feels that i'm getting a bit slack these times.
maybe i'm just tired of life; but not sick of it.
getting restless after things cropped up in life,
getting restless after you lost track of many things.
i've lost much passion for many things.
well, things that bug me hard in the past,
they never do so now.
ll because i choose not to be bothered about them.

found out that i really liked english lessons.
with a good teacher like Mrs Lee,
and then a few friendly neighbours that can endure your crap.
i have this old classmate of mine who somehow or rather, can anticipate my thoughts;
another easy-going classmate that will have "aiay we're still young for that" shooting from his mouth all the time.
then a few classmates that i stick with certain times.
these periods passed by slowly, and never fails to refresh me from a tight schedule.

getting to like geography and chemistry lessons a lot.
the teachers are experienced teachers who have their way with students.
being parents on their own, they know how we feel.
learning has been packaged in a way that we learn things, and we enjoy learning.
it doesn't beat the chinese proverb of "the old ginger is always spicy".

sometimes, i'll just get very envious of things going around me.
why certain people are talented, blah blah blah;
he's the unit head of this UG, she's the VP of this PAG, he's the VP of this club;
what am i? nothing much, but a person who's cheque bounces.
once sworn to be the top of all, today i'm lost and gone.
but those around me rise to fame and power,
leaving me only in a more pathetic state when compared with them.
i would, really really, want a piece of sky of my own.
something that really belongs to be, be it a moment or forever,
which i could be proud and boast of,
and dedicate my efforts and loyalty to it.
but alas, i just don;t get the chance to do things.

sometimes, i really feel like a defeated one;
those that once stood low rise above me.

okay enough of this sad stuff,
well, a question ponders me always.
if i'm to fail now, what would i be in the near future?
failing, failing, and even more failing;
inferior, inferior, and even more inferior.
i always felt that the Tao is in a way that,
we'll be born for our very own destinies.
and i always believe that,
all these failures, would teach me not to fail in the near future;
in which, i will attain supremacy.

let these sadness be a scar to remind me of the shameful past,
let these failures be lessons to mount an overlord.

people only gain experience through obstacles.
when life gets tough, the tough gets life going.
i don't believe that this little ability of mine,
being able to decipher and analyse, is of no use.
for this is what that others sought after;
but i have it easily with no sweat.
"hey hey, i might fail in all these, but you read my words like Lenin, because i plucked those strings of thoughts of yours".

all man are born to do something great;
it's just a matter of whether we want it or not.
let me use this one and only ability of my....erm...
to be a psychologist? or a counsellor? or historian?

wooo. sunday.

it never fails to attract me one time after another.
no wonder it's been a classic for so long.

it's another sunday;
which just means that tomorrow is the start of another week.
and this particular week,
shall be our prologue before the arrivals of the MYEs;
which is all stuffed with common test and a bit of NCC stuff.
really, i'm getting tired of the heavy, busy schedule.

i was just thinking about the topic of 'friends' while i'm doing my work yesterday.
two essays to write about friendship;
and for one of them i really racked my brains to get it done.
i'm just thinking about what does it takes to call someone 'friend'.
and at that moment, i just found out i left one of the essay question in school ._.

so this means, i have to seek alternative help to get my work settled.
i did nothing much to remedy the situation;
what i did was just sent two SMS to two of my classmates.
and again, no reply came after hours.
so what i was thinking then was,
one of them seldom switched on the cellphone,
the other one seldom reply my text messages.
wait, either is that the reply came late,
or just no reply came.

and i never thought that i would received a call,
instead of just a text message.

well, they have no duty or responsibility to help me;
after all, it's me own problem that i left the assignment in school.
but they never hesitate to use a bit of their time to SMS me, call me.

i think that i what that makes a friend barh.
helping you when you need help.

hardly ever had i experienced this feeling in the past.
i'm always left to settle problems myself,
be it my own problems or others.
i guess that little call and little text message touched me.
your little effort tells me that at least,
i can call you a friend.

it's just a very ironic weekend.
well, i have to do two essays on friendship;
i guess all these scenes and situations that i've seen,
is just here to help me better understand friendship.

well, at least, i dunno if you'll call me a friend.
but i treat you as a friend of mine.

Rainbow after the rain.

you'll see a rainbow after rain.
well, the same kind of theories always apply everywhere.
after every obstacle of problem, you'll gain something.
but not everything that you gain is a rainbow.

i've seen various miracles in my life.
especially this year.
there are things that brought back the brilliant smile on my face.
seeing a miracle in freestyle drill,
reconciling with various platoon mates.
but not every miracle give me the same kind of feeling.
sometimes, certain miracles happen.
they happen to tell me to resign to fate.

a rainbow is cause by refraction of white light when they shine through water vapour.
somewhat or rather, we can call them an illusion.
you can see them, but they are never there for you.
i've seen various rainbow in my life,
after the obstacles in my life.
but these colourful bridges are built not for me.
they are built for those beside me,
to bring them somewhere higher than where i am.

i remember playing a fear factor game yesterday.
i ran across the road with two cars coming from two directions,
over a loop, which means they cannot see me.
but alas, i never die.
i thought something dramatic like i'll get knock over and my body splits up.
Mr Yang Bing thought i was crossing the road to hail for a cab ._.

really, i got tired of of these injustices and unfairness.

doing things hard, do things smart.
but certain times, the results ain't there hard and smart.
just like how the rain that showered over me,
produce rainbow for others.

i just made a vow to continue fighting yesterday.
but just one day later, i got very, very tired.

i always wonder who would stand by my side and fight with me during hard times.
i would say, none.
but somewhat or rather i'm glad that at least there are people who are willing to help me in times if emergency.
well thanks a lot, you know who you are,
if not i couldn't get my work done by today.

i always thought of being someone great.
great in a way that i contribute a lot to my passions,
and benefit the community.
in such, for the past two years,
i slogged my heads off in various areas,
hoping to be rewarded for my hard work.

but who wonders that someone who keeps the profile low,
and contributes somewhat little compared to me gets more than me.
i don't blame that person.
but i blame how things worked.
if i couldn't get an answer from reprimanding myself,
i wonder where else i could get an answer.

i have to continue with it.
it doesn't matter if people are going to laugh at me,
like how they did it last time, like how they did it now.
i always feel that its noble to give your life for a noble cause.
in which, this noble cause i believe in.

i have to tell them.
bow, or i make you do a reverse bow.

so what if i can understand things faster? so what if i get enlightened easily? looks, skills, figures, brains...i need to have what ordinary people have.

Red Shock

it's a little bit contradicting to talk about this.
talking about losers.
because i am one that gets defeated in my life often.

i got very, very perked up today.
well, i was just participating in a competition at TJC;
then, during a recession, i heard someone playing the piano.
and then my team mates started talking about playing piano, talents etc.
and i just ask them what talents do they possess, blah blah blah.
one of my mates said,
"i'm a jack in many things, but master of none."
better than me, i'm a jack of nothing, and master of none.

sometimes i often feel inferior than others.
i tend to lose out on the talent side,
the academic side, the physical fitness side,
and many many other things.
i sucked at games, i sucked in my cca;
various of my ex-classmates attained top positions in their cca.
being silent killers, they freaked me out.
a prominent cadet of the past,
today my days as a cadet were over.

not just all these stuff.
i tend to lose out to others in relationships.
i mean, friendships, class bond all these.
for my class tends not to be so close with me;
only a couple of them can withstand my bullshit.
as for some other ex-classmates, i couldn't label them as friends;
they don't understand me, and they don't even care for me.
hence, i'm pretty isolated in school.

not even all these.
i'm shorter than average,
fatter than average,
and even uglier than average.
without name, i'm somewhat the 'biggest loser'.

it really feels kinda hardcore with all these stuff.
you tired talking to your classmates,
they tend not to response to you;
and it seems like my ex-classmates who gone through shit with me,
tends to be friendlier and closer to their new friends and classmates.

and you just got ****ed in your cca,
because of some bastard;
whereas those that stayed low profile in the past,
rises to be prominent successors.

my academics, fail.
physical fitness, fail.
talents, none.
friends, none.

it's painful to be the biggest loser.

i should really get rid of that kind of optimism in me.
that 'it's alrite', 'change a dream'.
i thought they are enlightenment to the mundane world;
but they are just excuses for me failing.

i should really get serious with life.
pretty serious.
own the china scholars,
own my cca even if i'm not the highest one,
and become the top dude of the cohord.
it sounds impossible, and a bit of a laughing stock;
but i have to try my best to wake up.
no more enlightenment, no more optimism;
if not, i'll have no friends, no talents, nothing.

even if i failed trying in the end,
i'll have no regrets.
at least, i've tried.

ottosan, okasan.

When your mother has grown older,
When her dear, faithful eyes
No longer see life as they once did,
When her feet, grown tired,
No longer want to carry her as she walks,
Then lend her your arm in support, escort her with happy pleasure—
the hour will come when, weeping, you must accompany her on her final walk.

And if she asks you something, then give her an answer.
And if she asks again, then speak!
And if she asks yet again, respond to her, not impatiently, but with gentle calm.

And if she cannot understand you properly, explain all to her happily.
The hour will come, the bitter hour, when her mouth asks for nothing more.

-Adolf Hitler

if a bastard like Hitler can understand what is filial piety,
then i don't see the point why we don't.

don't complain when you parents nag too much,
don't fuss it when you parents restrict you to something;
for they do everything for our own good.

today we have them around,
for us to complain, for us to rebut;
but years later, when we matured and grow up,
do they still have the energy to scold us?
do they still have the might,
to guide us and lecture us in our journey of life?

today we have them around,
yet we don't see he importance of them.
30 years down the road,
only then we'll understand the pain.

just another day

it's just another day people.
another school day, another set of routine.

these two days seem to be so busy.
had the whole of yesterday dedicated to the mole concept,
and even till now i still have the formula stuck in my mind.
and then, there's some other work to rush today;
a maths, history, and other miscellaneous stuff.
sometimes, if things go on in a cycle,
you can really get sick and tired of it.

had been submitting a few quotes to my-inspirational-quote.com these days.
it's really surprising that the web master actually accept those crap.
those crap i email him, and posted it on the site.
you can now go to that site, and you'll see some quotes by "Thung Yi Tian".
this just tells me that at least my words do make sense at times.

and went for other lesson today.
that lesson that teaches you how to write.
and surprisingly, the author gave me the first topic in my life that stunned me.
"Friendship".
to many of you this is just some sort of topic that you can write stories about;
but i can even write a paragraph, much less a story.
as for the rest...i don't think there is a need to elaborate any further.

well, talking about all these,
i just found out that i have gotten used to something.
being alone. at the start i was just wondering if i could pull through it.
but two months passed. and it seems like i've pulled through it well.
being real independence isn't something easy.
having to depend on yourself for everything is something extraordinary.
well, after all at the end of the day,
i'm the only one who can save myself.

another day went by. another day is coming.
certain times i find myself doing things that are meaningless,
and doing things just for the sake for doing it.
but too bad. that's how things work.
so, never ever get sick or bored of life.
the treadmill doesn't moves a lot,
but you yourself on the treadmill is moving constantly.

sometimes, I want to be more than acquaintances with you. I want to be friends. Close friends.

sadly, I found it.

sadly, i found it.
i found an answer to a question that has been bugging me for 2 to 3 yrs.
i just knew that something was impossible.
and then, i was wondering why,
why for the past years i still cling onto it,
unwilling to let go.
but today, i found a reason for me to let go.
because it is not meant to be, after all.
it might only caused the pain to me,
but, after all, i would rather be lost and broken now,
than to cling onto something impossible for the rest of the years to come.

i would say in this world,
no one would really bother about how are you feeling,
how are you thinking,
what are you doing, etc etc.
well maybe this only works for me.
quite pathetic. not much close buddies,
not much people to pour my sorrows,
share my joy, and to console me at times.
sometimes, i'm just wondering if i'm left out by this world.
everywhere i go, almost every groups and cliques that i cling onto;
i couldn't find myself a deep sense of belonging.

today certain things happen.
and i saw certain things.
then, i knew how things weren't meant to be,
and how i'm not cut out to be.
well i think people reading until here,
might be a bit puzzled about what incident i'm talking about.
anyway, you guys might just come here for the sake of entertainment.

it's a kind of deep sorrow.
at the start you knew you were wrong.
but, you still happily continue with your mistakes,
till a stage where you are rooted in it.
then, you know that you could not afford to go wrong any further.
but you just cannot uproot yourself.
so, you have to play along with it,
swallowing more and more sorrows as they come,
enduring it, yet, feeling the least bit of bittersweet feeling.

i'm just thinking is there anyone in this world who truly understand me.
understand how i really think,
understand how i really feel at times,
understand why i did certain actions.
those that can anticipate my thoughts everytime.
sadly, i don't really see such a person in my life.
readers, if you have someone who knows you inside out like mad,
cherish that person; be it a sibling, a friend, a lover, a parent.

i'm just thinking with so much sorrow,
how am i going to walk on.
those feelings for wealth, fame and power just turn bland.
i felt no purpose to run the society's rat race.
and perhaps today i lost the least bit of bittersweet feeling,
that motivates me at the very extreme situations and periods.
what's left?
i found an answer to my question,
but what's left?

i live an ordinary person, but i saw many extraordinary things.
but i paid a high price to see these stuff.

who would be there to chat with me, motivate me,
when i'm buried with sorrows?

What?

okay, and after a day of slacking at home,
today i got to get my a** off to SAFRA Yishun.
the annual IMT training again.
used to dread it a lot 'cause i'm never a good shot.
but this time the rounds seem to hit the target hard.
and we had our very own sing-along-session on our way back.
the Part Cs were singing 'My Love'....
and everyone got so high.

and i doubt i will have a relaxing weekend this week.
today i have IMT, tomorrow another thing coming up.
argh...life's getting a bit haste than before.
got to quicken my steps, if not i'll get left behind.

well, to put all the boring stuff aside,
again its the time for my very own self-reflection.
i'm thinking about something like this:
you know that something wouldn't happen,
yet you kept on working on it to hope that it happen,
but in reality it will never happen.
i wonder should i call this determination,
or just plain stupidity.

certain times i find myself like this.
i know that something wouldn't happen at all,
yet i still get myself working on it,
hoping that some kind of miracle will happen,
and all the hard work gets pay off and the dream comes true.
i wonder should i classify myself as someone who is determined,
or someone that is just plainly stupid.

this is just some kind of bitter sweet feeling.
you know that no results will come out of your hard work,
yet you are actually willing to do all the sh*t.
and you feel happy because you are doing the sh*t.

this happens to me all the time.
i knew that it is impossible,
yet i never give up.
some people say i am very hardcore,
others branded me 'stupid'.
i knew giving up was the right choice for me;
it will end all the unwanted sufferings and effort wasted,
yet i just can't bring myself to it.
well this is life.

i just couldn't find the explanation to this.
why many people knew something was impossible,
yet they set their hearts and minds to doing it.
they knew some relationship is impossible,
yet they still cling onto that person.
they knew that some things will never happen,
yet they are willing to endure and wait for a miracle.

perhaps some things in life should be left unexplained, unanswered.
for that is what that makes us emotional and affectionate human beings.

Race Race, Chase Chase.

well, we have a term for the urban lifestyle nowadays.
we call it a rat race.

well, do you find your life kinda stressful?
not seeing the end of things;
workload, exams, tests and everything comes after one another.
after common test you have exams,
then you have a bit of cca proficiency test,
and later you have a bit of common test.
and the cycle goes on and on again.

pretty the same for us teens when we enter the working society.
workload after workload, bills after bills;
then the cycle goes on, we get troubled by things that brings us to nowhere,
except for even more troubles to come.
all these will eventually stop,
at the end point of our earthly life.

sometimes i just wonder what this kind of rat race brought me.
for everyday we wake up, then start rushing for everything;
all we know that this is a routine,
and we have to stick to it to get the society working.
if one person is down, somehow this system will get affected.
all these hard work and troubles, eventually brings us nowhere.

this rat race in life, is inevitable.
often times, the race continues because the world is changing.
changing everyday. we have to race in order to survive.

the pointless chase in life, often bring us to many checkpoints.
many investors and bankers brought themselves vast riches.
what's next? even more riches to come.
and many workers earned themselves promotions after promotions.
what's next? to climb even higher than ever.
and then, many people study after studying various things.
what's after a bachelor? a masters, then PhD, and many more.

perhaps one reason that leads to this rat race,
is not because we have to keep the society going,
or not because we have to struggle to survive.
but because humans are selfish.
when one person is strong,
he or she wants to dominates over others.
subsequently, others wants to overthrow this dominance,
and make themselves the dominance one.
in this way, a pointless and never ending rat race begins.

would many say that socialism, communism are devil's ideas.
and they are created bound to fail, because they don't suit the world.
yes, they don't suit this world;
ideas that wants everyone to work together,
when the human nature is of such high selfishness;
these ideas will not work, no matter how hard we try.

if everyone is humble a bit, and willing to give in a bit,
we won't be competing over little things,
that caused many pointless chasing.
yes, our society or economy will collapse.
but something better will in turn, take its place.

so next time when you wake up in the morning,
ask yourself what's the point of doing your daily routine.
what are you trying to achieve?
and after achieving what you want,
what's next? what's at the end for you?

do you, really enjoy and have fun through all these pointless chases?

I Realised.

today's the start of april. so, it's april's fool day today.
and everything started in school with somehow,
a joking manner. made many stupid pranks on the teachers.
such annual events, helps to cultivate a bit of teamwork sometimes.

had many, many thoughts for today.
well firstly is about my subject bandings in school.
well, i heard that on next wednesday,
my HCL class will have to split band.
gonna miss Mr Cheow.
gonna miss all the classmates.
gonna miss all the jokes and laughter.
gonna miss all those things that happen which becomes part of life's routine.
gonna cry.

i was just thinking about how a sad event is separation.
suddenly feel yourself not doing something that has been a routine.
suddenly realised that the same voices no longer speaks in the same classroom.
suddenly you turn around and feel like sharing a lame joke,
but then, they are not those classmates that could stand your bullshit.
but no matter what, good things always have to come to an end.
be it or not that i'm gonna stick it with Mr Cheow,
take it as if that i had a good dream,
and woke up from it.

for that few little buggers that understand what the hell i'm trying to say,
yea, that's it people. ziying you're quite right ._.

and then, today i helped Mr Ng to settle some stuff for the Part A cadets.
well, the Part A affirmation ceremony is coming up.
perhaps gonna accompany them there.

this little kids reminds me of who i used to be in the past.
young and brazen, a little bit of foolish and youthful.
those were the days.
when i'm still an immature young kid,
who don't really understand how things are.
sweat and tears, they brought me to become someone,
so much more calm, more matured, more understanding.

and then, i read a bit of my past postings.
those in the past year,
when i'm still a bit young and immature.
i just realised how much for the better i have changed,
yet realised that i've lost something in this growing up process.

guess what i've lost people.

we have to pay a price for growing up; its inevitable.
we paid time and effort to become more knowledgeable,
we paid injuries and humiliation to get experience out of obstacles,
we paid sweat and tears to become more affectionate, more emotional.
we paid quarrels and bickers to understand people better,
we paid many hardships and events to prove the friendships of this world.

i would say that i've paid to grow up.
i've paid a price to understand things that i don't.
i've paid a price to learn things that i don't know.
but i paid at a high price.
for all these enlightenment and understanding,
i paid a price that got me a receipt,
that wrote 'regret' on it.

i was just wondering,
if i could make a decision that i could choose not to understand and be enlightened;
so that i wouldn't regret many things that earned me my growing up.
i rather choose not to grow up,
rather than understanding theories and morals,
being enlightened through various obstacles,
that will drift people further away from each other,
that will tell us how realistic and dark is this world.

no matter how much regret we have in the end,
life goes on.
togetherness and separation happens everyday.
it's just a price to pay, after all.