is it?

for a long time i never felt that warmth.
that warmth from a hand that reaches to you when you really need it,
that warmth from a palm that holds you tightly,
pulling you from where you fell and pushing you forward.

i guess this is going to be another recount of my hard lfie.

the situation is school is still the same.
i walked alone, i sat alone, i did almost everything alone.
when the bell rang for class banding,
students when to their destinations in groups and cliques,
filling the atmosphere with joy and laughter.
only i walked alone, ahead of the many cliques,
hoping to reach my destination faster and get the class starting.

when the bell for recess rang,
again students went off in groups and cliques,
and i was there, left alone, with no company.
occasionally i'm joined by long time friends from other classes;
but most of the times, i'm all alone.

everytime when it's time for people to get into groups;
be it time to go for lessons, time for recess, groupwork;
i'm always left behind, alone, stranded.
for i used to be afraid and upset,
afraid of the loneliness, upset of my peers.
but today i stood strong in such occasions.
for i have company with me,
one who told me how to be strong,
one who taught me self-survival.
his name is loneliness.

i taught i will turn into someone different under such circumstances,
i am afraid, i am scared.
but not now today;
because indeed, i turned into another person, reserved and quiet.
but i am not scared nor afraid,
because these outcomes are not as scary as i thought to be.

occasionally i am greeted by some classmates;
a little 'hi', a slight smile.
i do really appreciate that, for these actions brighten up my day.
but then, most of peers have something to hide from me.
hiding the truth when i asked them a general question,
be it directed at me or at them.

i do have friends that will wait for me,
accompanying me some of the times.
but i know, they just did it our of sheer friendliness or sympathy.
they're much, much more friendly with other people.

i have teachers who cared for me.
teachers who asked me 'how are you? alright?',
teachers who try to patch things up between me and my classmates.
but i'm afraid they did so just to only get the class going smoothly,
so their lessons would not be disrupted.

i walked alone, across traffic lights,
along corridors, in and out of the canteen.
when i felt sad, there's no one to cheer me up.
when i'm happy, no one bothers about my joy.

but i'm happy, that i could still hold on.
i dunno till which day i'll go bonkers over this;
i thought of one day i'll get really depressed,
and go to school armed with a katana,
slashing anyone on my way.
i don't really want to see myself in such an end.

at least for now, i can still hold on.
at least for now, i'm still strong.
at least for now, i would give a slight smile,
and say,
'what a wonderful world'.