isolation

well, long time ever since i've blogged.
as i've said, getting lesser and lesser inspirations nowadays,
due to the dull and bland lifestyle.
but since i'm having my essay writing exams tomorrow,
i might just as well come here and write some of my feelings.
be it a kind of revision, be it an expression of myself,
it doesn't really matter.
let my story began.

today was another day.
another i had like the previous days.
the days occupied by the dull, bland routine.

again i went to school.
it's the same kind of feeling.
most of the times you feel alone,
and the only territory you occupy is your seat in class.
hardly did i have a conversation with anyone since days ago.
if i were to open my mouth,
what that is coming out will be a few verbs and phrases relating to work.

i grew to be afraid of crowds.
an outgoing person like me, surprisingly,
turned into a timid, shy, moody person.
no longer i could stand tall and proud,
like how i was before.
after some time when you get forgotten by the many,
you'll come to be afraid of people.
it's because for a long time,
you've never come into much contact with people.

going to school everyday, is more or less a torture to me.
going into a class of 45 where hardly anyone speaks to you;
your existence is as if it was not realised by the many.
you tried to speak, no one replied you.
you want to speak to others,
but they are all engaged in their own conversations.
people can be close to each other and smile to each other.
but never with me.

i missed the days in Impel Down.
at least the jailers there expresses their feelings to you;
you know how they feel, how they think of you.
you know what kind of stereotype they have in you.
but never in here, a place i thought was a point of changing.
i thought this would be a new start of life.
another checkpoint, all starting afresh.
four months passed, they are still like strangers.
you never know how they think about you,
you never know how they feel about you.

it's just a bit weird when everyone can get together except you.
everyone gets involved in the same joke, laughing together,
but then, you're there all alone.

i prefer the days in Impel Down.
though it was a hard time,
facing insults and tortures of all forms;
but having one or two jailmates along with you,
enduring the pain and hardships,
those tortures will just shape you into a better man.
but not now in here.
i dunno what should i use to describe this place.
where you're just all alone, doing everything alone.

everyday i enter this room with a weird feeling.
'it's a new day, a brand new one.' i told myself.
but history just repeats itself.
they wouldn't want to come into contact with me,
and they wouldn't response to me;
sooner or later, i walk alone.

i would say the environment decides everything of the person in it.
living under clear tortures that helps to shape me,
i rose to become one of the most academically inclined person in Impel Down.
it was all that encouragement you had from the tortures, the clique, so on.
but not here. they don't express their feelings, no cliques.
even if i have one, they just don't smile to me.

and today i lost another friend.
it had been a bad day for me;
and rarely i got some people to disturb me out of fun.
but that got me too high, and i hit my friend in the head.
i apologise for that, sorry.

at this point of time,
i cannot just rise like how i did in Impel Down.
i need guidance.
i need a mentor.