Self-Reflection

I guess it's been some time since the previous time I'm here;
likewise, I wondered once again,
how many of those patronizers would actually visit this blog at this point of time?
Well, despite the fact that statistics shows a declining rate of visitors,
I believe that there's still people out there who appreciates my words and prose.

It's been some weeks since the previous preliminary exams;
again, as we move away from one climax to another one,
we entered a stage of dormancy and things starts to get a little eased.
At this point of time, I believe that many would revert to their 'old patterns',
of playing, enjoying and laughing all day long with their friends and mates;
while the much more observant ones would use this dormant period to pace themselves,
so that they could gradually move towards excellence in academics,
fulfilling the responsibilities of a student.

Like many, I try to make full use of the minutes and seconds;
everything, from work to play, has to be generally productive,
if not helpful to my aspects.
So, while I become a workaholic on one end and tackle my inadequacy in academics,
I knew well of when to let loose and relax.

Again for every action or task we fulfill,
there must be a reason or purpose for it.
Despite the fact that I lack reasons for the involvement in my work,
I believe that life still has to be productive on the overall.
Sticking to this mindset, I put in the utmost effort to make the best out of everything,
hoping that the time is never wasted and is spent at least on doing something meaningful.
Maybe for the time being that will stay as my reasons, perhaps.

I noticed the trend of BGRs in my school,
particularly my class and people around me.
One by one, those alte Kameraden 'left' me,
much for the fact that every relationship needs the investment of time and effort.
So on one hand you forge trust with your soulmate,
on the other hand you might not realize that you are eroding that old bond of yours.

In general I observed that teens do better in their everything when they get into a relationship, especially in my school-
maybe much due to the fact of good mood and motivation brought by the relationship;
the girl or boy also stands as a perfect reason for you to strive for excellence,
so that this relationship would be built upon a better and stronger foundation.

I have to admit that at times I am pretty much disturbed,
and disgusted at all the lovely-dovely between these teens;
yet on the other hand I am astonished by the effect that love brought upon them.
With this powerful reason, some boosted their position to some top 20s;
and others became more hardworking and interested in knowledge.

I would often put myself in comparison with these people,
especially my close mates whom many are in a relationship;
often I would ask myself,
"Look. They have a purpose in life. What's yours?"

Being much of a social outcast of a different personality,
relationships and friendships had never been a priority in my teenage years.
I firmly believe in the old saying of "Prime of Life"-
the days whereby we feel, think, and look young are the best days of life.
Certainly this is the one and only period of prime in life;
never would you really reached another period,
where you feel young physically and mentally.

At this point of time when we are the most naive,
the most energetic and enthusiastic,
we would put in the utmost effort whenever we set our eyes on something.
I would refer that as the bashfulness and rashness of a youth;
some kind of straight thinking and decisive actions that solely come from the youth.

If these are to be the days where we lay our foundations,
then we got to set our priorities right and lay a solid foundation.

Hence, after much thinking previously,
I had come to understand something:
For most of the time in life, you only have one chance.
That includes your youth.
If we were to spent our youth dwelling over games and play,
relationships, that bitter-sweet puppy love...
Then I believe that the same bashfulness of youth that made us happy,
would make us sad and regretful in time to come when we reach old age.

Over here, I am not trying to discourage people from getting into a BGR;
though I do not believe that the magics of love would work on me,
I still believe in the existence of love that would overcome all obstacles.
However, we have to be clear about what we are doing-
we got to set priorities about our life.
We have to understand what is beneficial, and what is not.

The short period of enjoyment now may be soothing to the mind,
but yet the consequences are long term.
We live only once; likewise youth only applies to all of us once.
Hence, it is important for us to spend the time of teenage in appropriate areas and manner.

Maybe it is because of this mindset; the mindset of being productive,
making things meaning, that really get me to sit down and do what I should be doing.

In time to come, I hope to see the fruits of my labour;
yet when the reality doesn't corresponds with my wishes,
I could only say that my conscience is clear-
I spent the time that never returns in a wise manner.

Legacy 2

无意之间在Facebook看到了我校学生军新任排长（我亲点的）写的一些东西，
其中包括一句他对于昔日在我管辖之下的军训日子的status update，
表示了他对往事的怀念和向往。
这让我想起了当年“三英力挫士官长”的英雄事迹，
又让我对于中华学生军及这群小弟的付出、贡献，
在一次进行了衡量及检讨。

回想起来，那是多么快乐、笑点多多的日子啊。
回忆起当时的点点滴滴，想起当年是如何与他们打破僵局，
建立关系、撇清彼此之间的误会；
到后来一心一意的训练、教导他们，从如何操步、开枪，
到世间中的人情世故，及面对人生挑战的建议。。。
到最终训练完毕，看他们顺利接手军权，看他们修炼得“肉身成圣”，
看他们为学生军开创一个新时代，为学校谱写一个新篇章。。。

我不知道自己到底给于了他们多少，
不过我想说的是，他们教会我了不少其他人无法教我的东西。
他们让我明白为人师表的感受，让我了解身为领导的责任；
此外，从他们身上也学会了许多道理，从而对自己进行反省。

想起当年我抱着“雄心大志”入伍学生军，
一心想如同我兄长一般，在学生军中大展拳脚，给自己留下一世英名。
想不到结果却无法如愿以偿，自己不知受了多少委屈、冤枉。
但是这群小子却让我在对于学生军绝望时重燃一丝希望，
让我在他们升上看见这个团体的未来。
所以，我一心一意付出，就是希望有朝一日，
他们能够重挽学生军那扫地已久的名誉，为自己开辟一个新的开始。

也就是如此，才有了“三英力挫士官长”的故事。

看着今日的他们已迈入了自己在学生军中的辉煌时代，
成为新一代的领导人，呼风唤雨；
但谁晓得，他们是否还记得当年的军训、昔日的教导？
能看到他们为学生军努力付出得却让我感到欣慰，
不过我还希望他们能记得那些教导，
不要重犯旧人所犯的错误。

当那些快乐的日子迈入回忆里时，留下的是永恒的美好。
自己从中得到的，足以让自己感到骄傲、欣慰；
自己从中给于的，足以影响众人，改变一切。

我不能说我给他们留下哪些有用或有帮助的教导，
不过我很肯定我给他们留下的是一副我们共同拥有的回忆。
我不能把他们所有的成就都归于我昔日的教导，
不过我肯定他们取得的成功都是我在学生军终无法付出的一些不足。
我不能说这一段日子我给他们启发了哪些东西，
不过我肯定，这段日子影响了他们的一生。

也应该影响了我的一生吧。

所有的功成名就，在离别时就化为乌有；
管他是士官长、还是其他团体的那些主席、负责人；
来时两手空空，走时两袖清风，
留下的，不是遗憾或悔恨，
而是永恒的回忆，启发人生的教导。

人生，也不就是如此，如同拉蜡烛吗？
燃烧自己，发出光亮，点燃其他蜡烛；
在自己将化为乌有时，已成功给他人带来光亮，
同时，用自己的火焰点燃其他蜡烛。

Update

And uhh, a few days went by,
but not as productive as the previous week.
I guess much of the adrenaline from the exam left me,
so while I return to the old routine and carry out things in a sequence,
again I feel the lack of energy to get up and get some work done.

But much of the motivation is still there.

As compared to the previous week,
I doubt that I've done much to fulfill the 'least requirements' for my revision.
Given that my life basically encircles around mugging,
this analysis is telling me that my life isn't productive on the overall.
Of course I couldn't say that I'm bored with it or something else;
at this crucial point of time, I don't know why I tend to grow some sense,
and began doing whatever a real student should be doing.

A gain I have to say is that, I'm not very sure how others are doing,
but I always bear in mind that I am lagging behind.
Perhaps much of the time these days are wasted away via daydreaming, eating, etc.
But well, I'm kind of relief that at least I began to feel some responsibility for myself.

I guess I got to cut down on the blog a bit, for obvious reasons;
1) I can't write quality stuff when my life is all about studying,
2) There's nothing interesting in life to trigger any inspiration.

Again typing till this line, I get a little stuck,
and I seriously don't know how to continue.
Well well, perhaps I should stop using the computer totally.

Again when I really try to put in my best for my studies,
I felt a sense of procrastination from stopping me sometimes.
Maybe I'm getting a little bit overboard, or I'm just not as concentrated enough.

Alright, there it goes for the update;
I see what I can fill in the next time I'm around.

Comments for our young heroine

Like any other day in Term 3, it's another hectic day that rushed by.
I was expecting, like any other Wednesdays,
to receive a newspaper article commentary as our weekly assignment.
But it seems like our HCL teacher is having a pleasant day today,
so, what we did was just a little discussion on the articles,
instead of doing a long, detailed commentary.

As we discussed and analyze the various headlines on the newspaper,
we gradually drew our attention towards a specific article on Comma,
the Chinese newspaper published exclusively for secondary students.
Taking a look at it, it was regarding the 'letter to the education minister';
which I believe its stance and viewpoints to be concur by many people.

While most local students express agreement over the content of the letter,
me, on the other hand, beg to differ.
I have read this letter before,
a few times on Facebook with this letter(originally a Facebook circulating around),
and twice on Temasek Review.
I must say that the situation expressed in this note are of the reality;
in fact, of the very harsh reality containing facts that I have to agree with.
However, after much digestion of the contents of this letter,
I have to oppose the viewpoints of our young heroine's in her letter to our education minister.

It is fact that she portrayed in her note;
the curriculum, the system, the teaching methods,
to the 'because Cambridge says so', 'because Carbon isn't a metal', etc.
But what I am against is about her perception towards our education system;
or I should say, the way she perceived the outcome of our system,
as well as her skeptic viewpoints regarding this system.

Been it, felt it, seen it;
I myself is one of the products of this system.
I've went through countless CAs, SAs, class tests and common tests;
at times I didn't bothered to give much of a concern for such grades that I deemed as "pointless and unnecessary",
yet at certain moments I choose to put in the best of my effort into every question I face with in a certain examination.
But for most of the times this actually voice down to the crucial decision regarding my level promotion or subject streaming,
instead of the passion and enthusiasm for education and knowledge.

True enough, this system have turned us into robots,
robots who would only do things in one manner,
and see things in one perspective.
But it is the same system that turned us into productive robots,
useful robots, as well as robots in high demand.
Being assimilated into this system a decade ago,
I have to say that in some ways I'm brainwashed by the system;
but at the same time I remain clear-minded regarding when to curse and swear about the system,
as well as when to appreciate and understand the policies implemented to keep the system going.

Yes, it is the principles of meritocracy that turn some things into a paper chase.
But isn't this what emerging LDCs are doing,
using it as a jumpboard to nurture leaders of their nations,
so that these people who have participated in the paper chase could bring their nation to grater heights?
Look at China, look at Korea...
If people there can strive to be of their very best,
then what are we complaining about when we have heavily subsidized education,
when some kids in Africa don't even get a chance to learn ABC?

At times I always felt that we failed to appreciate whatever the government or decision makers have done for us.
Despite the fact that at times they couldn't 100% understand our plight and did not went through the same process as we did,
I always believe that whatever that they have done is out of the goodwill for the nation and the people.
Certainly a policy might piss you off regarding the way it might affect you,
maybe the policy-maker might not understand the real implications due to this policy...
But haven't all of them done it for the sake of us,
the future leaders of this nation?

Another thing I would like to emphasize is about the way our young heroine expressed her unhappiness towards the system.
I mean, knowing that the system have its limitations in some way,
is writing a note on facebook to the minister the most effective solution?
Minister Heng is of another generation and era;
he might not be able to understand the thoughts and perceptions of us, the youngsters.
Rather that expressing our unhappiness towards the system towards long-winded discussion online,
why can't we just pull our socks up, get some decent grades for our O levels,
so that we can have the ability to enter the government service,
and to alter and improve this system,
so that we can 'end whatever agony that we have gone through',
before it reaches the next generation?

I have to admit that sometimes us, the young ones,
have not only overlooked the goodwill and effort our forebears have put in for us;
sometimes I also find that we tend to only look from our own perception,
and stubbornly stick to our own thoughts,
at times unwilling to listen to the explanation of others.
While on one hand we concur with whatever our young heroine have said,
have you ever tried explaining why the people before us put this system in today's place?
Have you ever wondered why they did things this way?
Have you ever tried understanding the system, understanding the viewpoints of our policy-makers?
Looking at our young heroine's one-sided view,
I have to say that at times, the young and rash ones, including me,
tend to overlook the most valuable and cherish values in life.

I must clarify that I am not some form of PAP supporter,
and neither do I have any personal grudge with our young heroine;
like all of you, I'm just expressing my views regarding this incident.
Nevertheless our young heroine have done a courageous act that no one before her had really done before;
with this, I also hope that in the time to come youngsters can be more open with their views,
so that it would benefit our policy-makers in making decisions that suits us.

All in all, I got to say that the earth is round;
one thing can be viewed from different manners.
It is important for us to put ourselves in the shoes of others,
as well as understanding the perspective of other's actions.
Yet, it remains a concerning issue that our young ones tend to take for granted whatever things they have in life,
not knowing that it is viewed as a form of luxury in the lives of others.

Thank you.

The Serangoon Redemption

I believe this is a prison, or maybe rehabilitation centre,
that most of us have set foot in before.
May it be in childhood or teenage, may the duration be short or long;
sometimes the experiences here left us with haunting memories,
while some lessons learnt in here are inspirational moments that will change you for life.
There's a dozen different people you'll expect to meet here-
all the way from the Prison Warden to the cell guards.

It is awkward for you all to see me expressing this place with such a term, 'prison';
but however there is a reason I refer it to as a prison.
Like any other criminals arrested for their crimes,
there's bound to be something that I've done wrong that put me 'behind bars',
which purpose of sending me here is to rehabilitate me.

Unlike most prison that consist of prisoners of a single gender,
this rehabilitation centre comprises of cellmates from both gender,
as well as a little mixture of people of other races and nationalities.
This prison, is a school; and with this,
I shall begin my story of the 'Serangoon Prison'.

4 years ago I was sent here for a fairly justifiable reason;
a reason that requires me to go through some form of rehabilitation,
so that I would wake up my bloody idea and stop screwing around with life.
In my capacity as a student, I admit that I have failed my profession,
as well as creating undesirable results from my work.
Therefore, I was sent here with two aims:
One, which is to get me to start doing what a student should be doing;
two, to change that attitude of mine for good.

If one have gone through time in anywhere else,
he or she would understand the plight of someone wearing a uniform;
a uniform that chains you under a certain identity that you do not desire.
This plight is simple; for instance, you have to ask for permission for everything you do,
even if it's a trip to the washroom for a piss.

The routine here is something that will leave one with eternal memories;
everyday you are put through the same thing, doing the same stuff to achieve the same target,
yet without a specific aim which you see to benefit you in anyway.
The process is hard, and mentally-challenging;
but I have to admit that all these paperwork are something light,
as compared to all those chores you'll be doing in a real prison.
Like how you get a mathematician to write a history essay,
it's just like doing something that you didn't like at all.

If all the 'prison activities' are something that get me to do whatever a student should be doing,
then all the interactions with the people here,
are the factors that will fulfilled task number two listed above.

All the way from wardens, guards to cellmates,
I must admit that there is a ton of undesirable people in Serangoon Prison.
There are people who would constantly create trouble for you;
there are cellmates who have been through a hell of life,
and are real, trained veterans of the harsh reality.
These are the people who would make life difficult for you,
by posing challenges and ganging up against you in any manner.

Not to forget about the cell guards;
like us, they are no different from what people define as a villain.
The only difference between us is the level of violence and evil we had in us;
the wardens like to put these 'trusted turnkeys' in charged of ordinary cellmates.
There's also a couple of them that wore the green uniform of a guard-
these are the real devils who serve as the nemesis of all prisoners.

It would be normal if these 'authorised personnel' obstruct your daily life.
What is worse is when they purposely create trouble for you,
and get you down into deep shit with the warden or the chief guard...
and then the next moment you would find yourself in solidarity confinement,
if not taking a few slash of the rotan from the chief guard.

Wardens is another matter.
Some are real devils who do their work for the sake of the salary;
whatever they do is just because they have their own interest in mind.
But there are also exceptional ones who are the Captains of Life;
these are the real saints that would be in their utmost effort and sincerity,
be it towards their job or towards any prisoner.
They would take their patience in coaching a prisoner back to the right path,
as well as providing chances for a prisoner to see good and kindness in himself.

There's a large variety of personalities I met here;
but definitely for most of the times you would come into contact with the cellmates.
As I said before there are cellmates that are real hardcore veterans,
who are out to seek trouble and make life difficult for everyone.
However there are also 'newbies' who are of the same plight as you;
then there are also some accused some crimes they never done and end up here.

I must say in this mixed gender prison,
I came across prisoners that screw you up in any manner available.
However, there are real friends that you would find here too;
these are the people who would help you whenever you need,
and also render their support and assistance in times of trouble.
I must say that at times these are the people that pulled me through my term here;
they were the reason that I must sit through my time and walk out a free man.

As I'm nearing my parole this year,
the prison have organized the annual 'Yellow Ribbon Project',
which purpose is to help each prisoner and guard to gain a qualification,
so that they would be able to 'seek employment' or find 'jobs of better aspects' when they 'finished their contract' or their 'term'.

It is another crucial point of time in life once more;
the warden says that if I perform well for this project,
I will be acquitted of all my charges at once, and be release as a free man.
If not, I'll just have to sit through another term of 2 or 3 years.

I would say that this is a form of redemption, maybe.
A redemption for my crime, a redemption for my wrongdoings.
And maybe, a redemption for my ignorance back then.

it was all that ignorant and pride that landed me in this state.
Back then, you were young and egoistic.
You thought that you're the top of the world.
You do things without thinking, until you make a mistake.
Some mistakes are minor ones, yet some takes you a lifetime to redeem it.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to redeem myself, after 4 years.
This time, I shall walk out a free man.

Chances, will be there.

And so, it's been a week or so since the last Preliminary Exam paper;
life is starting to revert back to the normal circumstances,
following the usual routine, doing the same things.
Yet, we are anticipating a second round to be coming up soon;
I don't expect myself to take a short break before the second prelims,
but using this period of time to catch a breather,
as well as tying up all my loose ends in revising the syllabus.

I couldn't feel the real intensity when I was studying for the first round of exams,
but after I've seen many shocked faces from this round of papers and witnessing their determination to top the honour rolls,
I began to feel differently, as well as feeling driven and motivated to study harder,
in order to sustain and improve my current situation in academics.
It's a real hard battle awaiting all of us-
a struggle for supremacy among different students,
a campaign of fighting towards straight distinctions between schools,
the 'company quota' given by HODs to various teachers...

Not to forget about the struggle between oneself,
to get myself disciplined and motivated in this turning point of life.

It's been four years ever since the last turning point in my life.
Yes, I screwed up badly that time and landed in agony and pain for four years.
Again this time I'm faced with a second turning point;
one that would affect my life for good.
So, am I going to be as lax as back then, and get myself screwed up;
or am I going to emerged victorious in this struggle,
and join the ranks of elites?

It's hard, it's the system;
but there's nothing else we can do to it.
Well, we have to learn to beat the system at its own game;
study hard, be accomplished and successful.
Only by then you shall have qualifications to make amendments to the system.

All of a sudden I felt a strong sense of responsibility;
to study hard, of course.
Perhaps I am kind of motivated by the first round of exams;
who knows, the second round is going to get tougher,
and we just have to pull our socks up.

Never give up, that's all I can say;
maximize your potential and be the very best you can be.

And this is the only chance whereby I can escape from the screwed up life of mine.
Studying is the only way out? I guess so, in my case.

If I never take full advantage of this turning point this time round,
well, who knows when is the next time whereby life would give you another chance.

Career Seminar

It's been a long, long day;
We had a long 'Career Seminar' in school lasting till 4.30pm,
and it was a bit of dry for most of the times.
Well, saying that it was a 'Career Seminar',
all the school did was to get successful ex-students back here,
like professors, directors, etc, to share about their success stories,
and how they attributed it to the school for first realizing their potential.

My mind was mostly blank throughout the whole seminar,
which comprises tertiary institutions giving a presentation about themselves,
and also some exhibitions by various tertiary institutions,
and not to forget about the talks by those ex-students.
However, despite my rejection towards the stuff from the seminar,
this seminar indeed send me into deep thoughts, again;
and so I wonder...

If one day there's a chance whereby I could be like one of them,
standing in front of my juniors, as an ex-student and a successful person in society,
well, at that point of time, who am I and what will I be doing?

I guess most people had their way ahead plan beforehand;
they knew where they should be standing in 10 to 20 years time,
and viewed the education today as little steps towards their big dreams.
Some though didn't looked as far as them;
but they have a clear idea where their next checkpoint would be.

For me, let me just live the current and do the current;
I'm not quite sure about where's my next checkpoint,
needless to mention about my desired destination.
To say that I'm unsure, unclear, unmotivated or under-prepared,
I would say, all four of them, actually.

But back to the question; so I ask myself if one day I'm going to be one of those ex-students up there,
giving a presentation, and showing how successful they are...
who would I be, what will I be doing?
First daydream thoughts is that I could visualize myself in the Legionnaire uniform,
sharing my stories as the first Singaporean to join the French Foreign Legion,
impressing the boys, holding them in awe... Something like that.

If not, then I'll be some kind of person having an unique profession,
which this profession seems mysterious to many people,
yet amazes everyone with whatever I do in my vocation.

Aha! So that's it; perhaps I've sort of answered a question I've yet to answered for 16 years.

What I really want is something out-of-the-box, something unconventional;
something different, yet unique at the same time.
Perhaps I don't feel content or happy doing whatever that everyone's doing,
or just living up to people's expectations.
I want to do something that I really want to do, something different,
something that suits my personality, something that just clicks with me.

So I thought about it, I need a dream that is different;
I need an aspiration that is unique in its own ways,
I need to do it, everything, in my own manner.

I don't want to do something that earns a lot, or will get me somewhere,
maybe I'll just be fine doing something that makes me myself.

So again I asked myself, 'What is that which I do will make me myself?'
Honestly, I have difficulties answering to this question.

I guess the problems lies deeply in my interest;
I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I really like;
I'm not so sure where my interest lies in.
For a good 16 years in life, most projects that came through my hands,
or having me appointed as leader,
will just end up either as a failure or as a sub-pass.

Here, I asked myself, so what can I do? What am I exactly good at?

It seems like none is the answer when I spammed myself with such questions;
but then in one moment I recalled one of the best part of memories:
the times leading my A-Team, teaching them, training them, guiding them.
Then I wonder, among my failed career as a NCC cadet,
is this something that I've done wrong again,
or least make a difference somewhere that makes it alright?

A doctor could cure many patients, yet it seems difficult to cure himself;
at times, I wonder how true it is in this case.
But in this instance I put this into relation with my future;
sometimes, I just couldn't motivate and guide myself to my next checkpoint,
but yet I could lead others to a higher level than where they are now.

Yes, this is the 'something different' that I always wanted to do.
Doing something not for myself, not for my family, but for the masses, for a cause.
Leading not myself, not my peers, but strangers.
That's what I really want to do;
like a candle, I ignite myself, only to bring light and warmth to others.

I want to inspire lives, as well as sustain to dimming lives, creating new lives.
I'm not a pro at driving myself;
but I know that there's a huge group of people out there that needs me to drive them more than driving myself.

So what, a platoon sergeant like what I used to be? No.
Then a teacher, or a lecturer to add value to students? No.
What about a speaker, whose words can touch the hearts of many? Maybe.

I thought of being a counsellor, pulling people back to where they should be;
yet at this time, one fierce yet inspiring job came into mind:
A Prison Warden.

After all, I just want to make a difference, for life, that's all.

Finding . Friends

I guess if love is one that many desire,
then friends are something that is essential in life too.
Like love, friends are what that makes life colourful-
filling one's life with laughter, purpose, happiness and all sorts of memories.

All of us desire for friends;
one that we can share our joy and troubles with,
one is is willing to stand by us against all odds,
one who is willing to render all help when we are down,
one who is always there shining for us like a star in the sky,
even if we don't see them at times.

But sometimes I just like to ask myself,
what exactly is the definition of friends,
and what exactly is friendship?
How do I define a bond between me and another person as friendship?

To relate what in the end makes me define this relation,
let me begin my story when I first interact with people of my age.

I guess much interaction between people of our own age starts when we were four or so.
Back in the years when we're a toddler, life just revolves around our parents and family.
However when we first started pre-school, that was when we met a deal of people who were as of the same age as us.
Despite being in the same class, we never addressed each other as classmates;
instead, we like to use the term friend.

I was a meek and silent boy when i was much younger,
and hence I didn't have much of a 'friend' in kindergarten.
While others like to sit down and play together,
I preferred doing my own stuff away at another corner.
However there were two boys I met in kindergarten;
who change my perspective of school forever.

When I was much younger at age 5 I always thought school was bad;
you get scolded by the teacher, you get picked by other students,
and then you got to do homework and sing the songs you didn't want to sing...
and that put me away from school.
It was them- these two boys who encourage me to school,
accompany me in all activities in school,
and give me a push whenever I need.
Sometimes I would wonder why they would go to such extend for a classmate back then;
maybe because we're much more innocent then,
and we treat everyone of our age as 'friends'.

Nevertheless, they taught me that school was a fun place.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't have much friends in Primary school;
much of my time was occupied by homework and studying,
that results in my lack of social interaction to forge bonds.
However there's always a deal of awesome people in school,
who seems to be the most wonderful people on Earth;
at first they used to let me join the activities,
but soon we drifted apart due to the differences in personality.

So I didn't really have much of a friend then;
they were just nice classmates that would cooperate and help everytime you need them.

The real nightmares begins in Secondary school;
I met a dozens of different personality,
which is much of a contrast to my Primary years where the people were straightforward and suave.
Some are real introverts, while some are extreme extroverts;
Then I don't know why there are also scheming people,
evil, business-minded bastards who only seeks profit;
also the so-called 'cool guys' who think that they are the top of the world,
and treat everyone else like dung.

Yet despite the mass difference between people in this institution,
I came across people who I shall address them as 'Comrades'.
Those were the real ones who seem to be much similar to you,
sharing the same aims, dreams and thoughts-of-life.

First group of people that I would address as comrades were two brave soldiers who have seen 'action' with me in the 'frontline':
CK and CJ, my respective superior and aide-de-camp in the Corps.
I'm not too sure of how everything started then,
but it seems like we hit it off very well;
maybe due to the similarities in some areas that we shared.
It was a whole deal of fun;
who often joked together during training, tekan the same people during training,
and also share our weals and woes with each other.

Yet on the much serious side, we were always by each other's side at times of crisis;
we faced the music as one, and solved the problems together.
It just resembles any of those war movies I've watched;
one for all, all for one, together we can make a difference.

Indeed, we went on to create history in our CCA.

Come to a point there's also another comrade who once fought with me;
back in Secondary 2, we were from the same class;
but yet it seems like the bond went beyond that of a classmate.
We do our morning jogs together, spent time outside together,
and then share our troubles and joys together too.
Fret not, we are not gays;
it's just that there is some form of similarity that pulls us together.

However the sad thing is that once the similarity is gone,
the bond is never there anymore.
It remains as one of the silent regret in life.

There's also a couple of hundreds of people I came across;
many had lend me a helping hand whenever I needed one,
but sometimes it just seems like there's no one else that is willing to fight by my side.
I came across people that hi off with me instantly;
but yet there seems to be not much of a similarity to keep us bonded.

Till date I've met several people in life,
and I only manage to build relations with some of them;
and among these 'some of them',
I only manage to build closer ties with a few of them.

So how do I define friends?
It's not just adding each other on Facebook, having each other's contact number,
chatting every once in a while, and share some jokes sometimes that makes one a friend.
I guess a friend is worth so much more than that;
but it's pretty ironic I don't know how much more.
So when some acquaintances tries to address me as a friend,
deep down in heart I always wonder that whether this person view friendship lightly,
or just define everyone that he or she knows as a friend.

As for those comrades;
they're like another form of bond.
The brotherhood bond, I would say, needless for anything to serve as a foundation of friendship.
Well, why? Because we are brothers;
there's never a need for something to serve as a bonding platform between brothers.

Maybe on the contrary, I myself define 'friendship' higher than its value;
that's why there are certain aspects I viewed as essential to calling one person my friend.

I wouldn't say that I'm bad at building relations,
but it's just that it seems like I couldn't find the right people.

So, who are my friends actually?
That's why Walker is walking alone everytime.

'Alte Kameraden', meaning 'Old Comrades'(above video);
dedicated to those who have once fought by my side,
and those who have treated and viewed me, as a friend.

Encounters . Enchanted

I'm pretty sure that as ordinary mankind,
it is certain that we lust for many, many things.
There are so much out there which we desired for-
however, I believe that it is undisputed that there is one thing that all of us want:
Love, that is it.

Be it family love, the concern between friends, or the sweetness between a couple-
all of us want to be loved, and we are willing to love.
But today I, Walker, shall temporarily put the love of a family and friends aside;
perhaps among so many forms of love,
all of us desired for the simple yet sweet relation between a male and a female,
which is something that I believe to be able to conquer all obstacles and fight against all odds.

For a start, maybe I shall share some of my 'experiences'.

I'm a simple and innocent child for much of my 16 years on Earth,
however the first time I got involved with something related to a boy-girl-relation was back at the age of 10,
when I was in Primary Three, or Four.
That was a pretty awkward situation then;
this sister of a schoolmate of mine(now still a schoolmate in ZHSS),
took a liking to me, which I find to be kind of haunting.

I believe that all of us seek for perfection during childhood,
so what that puts me off in this encounter was the 'external' factors;
she ain't very good looking, and not so smart either.
So I was totally put off; despite that we were close acquaintance for a couple of years,
but I tried distancing myself away from her after she 'made herself clear'.
And no doubt I stop all forms of socializing with her brother and family,
which I was certainly kind of close to;
and that really puts them off.

Yet this little encounter still lingers as a childhood nightmare,
and it was the start of a curse that follows me for the rest of my life.

I wonder if any of you readers ever had some experience at 'online relationships';
something like you spent too much time online,
you met a girl(or a guy), and became virtual partners;
despite not meeting each other in real life,
you all build the bond and relation over the communication devices.

One of the most memorable encounter with people was when I met a girl online;
back then the dumb MSN Messenger was all that matters when we don't have Facebook, Twitter or Blogger.
So, I met this girl online; a year older than me, from the same school,
but we never met in real life.
However, we exchanged contacts online;
that sprouted into some sort of friendship that is dependent on the telephone or the computer.

So I would spent hours talking on the phone or on MSN with her;
I don't know if I were to classify this as some form of relationship,
but at the period of time she was the girl that gave the most impact on my life.
Her voice was sweet, she was understanding, she controls her temper well,
and she said I'm someone with split personality.

Sweet encounter that lasted for a couple of years;
back then I was Primary Five.
But we gradually lost contact as she moved up to Secondary Three...
so that's the end to one chapter,
that I hope to see a sequel in.

Then later in Secondary One I met this classmate of mine;
first time that someone really attracted my attention.
And first time that I ever act like an idiot;
but things didn't start off well, needless to say.
She hates me then, and I'm a real jerk then;
so, it's like a thunderstorm when she realize the attraction I had for her.

For the rest of Secondary One I'm trapped in this cycle,
and just couldn't get her off my mind.
That was the first encounter with infatuation or something like that;
be it some kind of fresh then, it isn't very pleasant to recount on this.
I guess this awkward situation is wide known by the school;
me ending up as the failure and loser of this chapter of the story.

Till date, all the old feelings were long gone;
she remains as one of the better friends in life,
and we supported each other in moving to our respective goals in life.

Yet one of the worse encounter yet to mention was when I was Secondary Three.

There's this fairly plump young lady who misunderstood me for stealing at the Pau Shop in the school canteen.
At that was when she knew me, started to talk to me,
and then, I would say start to stalk me.
It wasn't a good start as we knew each other through a misunderstanding;
that didn't gave me much of a good impression of her.
And after sometime getting familiar with me,
she starts meddling with my life, which totally piss me off.

And went around acting like she got something to do with me.
Too much infiltration and irritation to my personal life.

And to cut the long story short:
Later when she confessed to me, I just reject her and 'shove her away'.
Well, I used a lot of heavy language,
and that made her hate me for life.

Perhaps I have yet to mentioned of the best;
back when I was still in Secondary Two, I was at the prime of teenage.
Slim figure, huge muscles, and, pretty smart then.
So I hit off with a Primary school classmate of mine;
she was a foreigner, she's pretty, hot, good at sports, smart.

We met each other again like on MSN;
and then it soon developed into something beyond friendship.
I remember there was a time she said she would pay me a visit,
(She lives in Bukit Timah and I live in Pasir Ris)
and I thought she was joking.

The she was at my doorsteps the next second.
Very, very touching.

However good things doesn't last long;
as we moved up to Upper Secondary,
we gradually lost contact of each other.
So, I considered it an end? I don't hope so.

So, many people came and went.
Some left footsteps, some left nightmares;
but a few of them left everlasting memories,
that accompanies me to sleep when I'm having insomnia.

To date I'm dejected and all-out;
girls despise me, but well, that doesn't matter.
I don't desire much from relationships;
maybe I shall choose to stay single till death.

Ironically, I've never went into a true relationship,
but my encounters taught me so much,
that I act as a Love Guru and counsellor to a few of my peers.

Maybe at this point of time I would like to thank all of them;
for all the stuff they taught me,
all the encounter they gave me,
and also, all the memories they left me with.

And now, Walker prefers walking alone.

My Ambition

In every Primary student's life,
there is bound to be a time whereby their teachers get them to write this essay;
a straightforward, yet profound and in-depth one.

"My Ambition";
often kids came upon with dreamy and kiddy content,
like being a teacher, doctor, lawyer, etc.
I remember the first time my teacher got me to write this essay was back in Primary 2.
That time, being ignorant and childish,
I didn't really have much of a dream that I wanted.
I've thought of being a cop back when I was in nursery;
but well, this occupation doesn't seem to be much forward-looking in that demanding school of mine.
So, I just scribbled a 'lawyer' and went on crapping about it.

Then in Primary Five my form teacher again got me to write something similar.
"What you hope to be in the future";
back then I was increasingly interested in history and politics,
so I, with much naivety, wrote down a 'politician'.

So later with that disappointing PSLE score of mine I went into my current school.
I joined the Corps, so the ambition was temporarily changed to 'soldier'.
Later I started watching the anime One Piece,
and the 'soldier' in me kind of evolve into some kind of 'marine' or 'naval officer'.

Yet however this little aspiration of mine was smashed when I got screwed in my CCA,
and faced with a lot of conflicts and politics in that company.
With much of a negative light and cynical view of the NCC,
I simply brushed off that 'marine' in me;
there onward, I didn't have a fixed ambition or a realistic dream to motivate me.

Other than these, there are many times in life that I thought of being something;
I thought of being a writer when I began to developed my writing skills,
as well as winning a few writing-related awards and earned a fame for writing.
I've also thought of being a counsellor,
when I was being counselled by the school counsellor for my problems.
There is also a time whereby I thought of being a businessman;
to learn the ropes of business and win the game of life.

But many a times, these demanding aspirations are smashed right in my face,
when I faced up with academic failure or ability inadequacy.

Often I get dejected in life,
because I perceived that I didn't have a vivid dream that will drive me to the future.
People around me either have a relationship or a dream;
it is what that motivates and drives them for good grades respectively.
Often, I gave myself the excuse that because I didn't have an ambition,
then I shouldn't have a reason to work hard.

There are also times whereby these ambitions faced cynical response;
peers, family, teachers sometimes thrashed these little room of growth...
"You think you're capable of doing so? Look at your results!"
"Stop being unrealistic and get a life la..."
"I think its time that you really, really start planning and not daydream..."
"Ha, who do you think you are, let us just wait and see!"

Often, these ambitions proved to be vulnerable to sarcasm.

Then I sat down and began to wonder.
Why did I change my ambitions so often,
why are my ambitions so easily shattered,
why are my actions never bringing me anywhere to my ambitions?
Why, after changing a few ambitions to suit myself,
I just couldn't get it right?

Then I just realized why:
since the start, I've never been serious in writing this essay on 'My Ambition';
thereafter, I've never reflect upon this essay to my actions in reality.
I've never been serious about anything,
I've never put any of these ambitions in the priorities of life,
and I've never, never get really cracking to move myself towards them.
They are just like empty promises- that's why they shatter so easily.

So now I sat down and began to plan seriously about this,
the essay that was not completed for 10 years.
But facing academic failure, relationship problems and lost of direction in life,
all that appears in my mind when I thought of ambition was the French Foreign Legion.

Now why is that another ambition of mine?
Because I've heard of people saying that's where you can start everything afresh;
a different life, a different routine, a different identity.
perhaps that is what that i yearn most in this directionless life of mine.
That's why I aspire to be a Legionnaire.

But yet, it takes effort to train and build up in order to be part of the Legion;
so right now, what am I going to do,
in order to get this last ditch of completing the undone essay a successful one?

Yet, it seems like I still lack the answer that I desired.

Reversing It

A couple of things on mind today;
I woke up in the morning feeling a burst of energy through me,
and then went off to school for the last written paper for this preliminary exams.
And then, I'm back here, tying up some loose ends and having some personal time.

A couple of things happened recently that lingers in my mind;
the exams are somewhat coming to an end, with me utterly defeated.
But what's more important now is to actually set the sight far for the O levels,
and maybe, that's the ultimate checkpoint instead of the school exams.

With this, I feel a little bit more relaxed,
and gave myself some excuse to slack away from work for a couple of minutes.

Today I kept thinking of a question:
Is something that is previously damaged or spoiled, reversible to go back to the past status that it supposed to be?
Or would certain actions done to spoil something be eternal,
and we could never rewind to fix the situation to be like what it used to be as of before?
Would any efforts at the current moment be useful in reversing the situation?
Is there still hope?

Often there is regret in me for wasting a couple of hours away somewhere;
like not studying hard enough for a test, not doing my best in my assignments, etc.
Usually some kind of pathetic results appear of the situation to wake me up;
from then I knew that I need to take action to remedy, or reverse the situation.

Often time and hard work solves as the best remedy to such incident.
You flunked a test, you work harder for the next one.
You missed a chance, you wait for the next to come.
Some situations are reversible- not until the last moment,
you never knew what is the ultimate outcome.
I guess that explains of why people do the last minute mugging everytime.

So I thought, if I screwed up my grades this time round,
it is reversible- there's still another round of exams before the O levels.

But yet, there are some things that ain't reversible after certain actions;
in spite of time and hard work, things will never return to be the same.

So what am I trying to talk about here?
I would like to say that in this world there are two forms of situation:
The first is situations that are reversible and could be salvaged.
The second one are situations that you couldn't look back.

Relations and friends, if you get what I mean.

Recently I patched up with an 'old' friend of mine,
after much of the cold shoulder and cold war.
And it's like the infinite time that we made it back after quarreling.
So I wonder, am I able to revert everything to be as of the same in the past?
Or would the little friction and tension previously becomes a dark cloud over the bond?

I don't know what would it be this time round;
but it seems like my bond or relation with someone weaken everytime after a conflict or a quarrel.
Perhaps the problem just lies with me, I have to admit.

So, eager to reverse the situation,
I guess I have to put in double the effort for everything;
to do my best in what's left of the academics,
to show more concern or better attitude to peers around me,
and perhaps, to be a better person.

Maybe that is how it would reverse the situation, who knows.

Yet at times, it seems like certain things couldn't be as good as in the good old days...

If I had a chance, maybe I would like to start all over again.
Of course, without all the slacking and callousness in my work,
and to be a nicer person to friends and peers.
That would removed all those conflicts;
ironically those are the conflicts that made people understand each other better.

Yet without the friction, people wouldn't be strangers.

So what's the situation now?
The road ahead is long, and there are encounters yet to be met;
here, I shall try my best to do my best in everything,
with hope of new opportunities in the future,
as well as reversing those old opportunities that are long gone.

And so, I shall walk on.

CCA Appreciation: Recognizing the Sai Kang(Unsung) Warriors

It's another nice beautiful Monday morning which happens to be a school holiday,
and while I'm going to wrap up of what's left of my revision,
I received a message from one of my mates in the Corps.
There's a high possibility that something drastic is going to happen everytime we get together,
but to my prediction, he brought me the bad news that I had been awaiting.

So here's the story:
There's this little ceremony every year in school,
whereby the school would actually 'appreciate' individuals who contributed merit to the CCA or organization.
They call it the 'CCA Appreciation Day';
while many of the seniors worked hard just for recognition on this day,
with all the applause, honour and glory,
yet I've always viewed it as some form of victory parade for the winners of the school.

So coming down to my last year in secondary school,
it happens that now it is my turn to go up on stage.
What a surprise, really; I've never thought much about any appreciation in my CCA.

So along with my aide-de-camp CJ and a few other mates,
we've been given the lowest of all honours in this victory parade.
They call it an appreciation award;
basically just to appreciate your hard work and effort for the CCA and the school.

Yet instead of being elated, I felt some kind of frustrated;
not at the fact that I'm give the lowest honour,
but with the reality that this is an unfair system.

Every year I see decorated NCOs walking up the stage,
donning that uniform of theirs which is covered with medals.
They were the real creme de la creme;
those that have fought and won glory for the school in regional or national competitions.
These are the people that was ensured a smooth career in their CCA,
and ended up as the biggest winner every year.

However yet there is another group of people left unnoticed.
These are the people who did the lowest of all jobs in their CCA;
while the Club President or Company Sergeant Major is planning big events,
these people are always running errands, tying up the loose ends,
as well as being a mediator and middleman between the top dogs and the lower caste.
I've always believe and view these people as the true warriors of their CCA;
but alas, many addressed them with the term 'Sai Kang Warrior'(shit jobbers).

I'm not very sure which category I belong to,
such that it made my presence an additional decoration to the whole ceremony.
I'm a Staff Sergeant who earned my rank through internal merits;
I never participate in competitions to win glory for the school,
but I trained the very first A-Team that earn the school an honour roll.
I sew my rank because of my effort, not my merit.

After much thinking, I believe that I belonged to the other group.

On the day of the ceremony, many of the school's top dogs;
those who hosted parades and events, those who won merits and honours for the school,
those who gave the school its sustained achievement on the national platform;
they are walking up the stage, receiving the highest of honours,
enjoying the long awaited applause of the crowd under the stage.

Yet also on that very day,
another group of people shall sit in the hall's gallery;
these are the Warriors who ran errands, mop the floor and tied the loose ends,
and did everything else to ensure that every detail of the event is accounted for;
they sit side by side on the gallery, clapping for those decorated ones,
feeling happy and joyful for their fellow mates upon stage.

But they graduated without much, perhaps none appreciation for their measly efforts,
which adds up to be the foundation and backbone for the sustained merits.

Are you like those decorated top dogs,
who earned your rank and post with merits and prizes;
or are you like me, another shit jobber who contributed silently at the backstage?

The stone on top of Mount Everest faced the world with pride and glory;
proud that it is the highest point of Earth,
glorified because it is at the top of all stones.
Yet without the millions and billions of stones forming the foundation of the Everest,
how, may I ask, would this top stone be more important that the stones that form the base?

Appreciation, I believe, doesn't comes from medals and certificates.

It comes from the content and happiness you received,
because of your little effort that aids to the smooth procedure of the event.

Having done your best and you're sure of it,
that is the best appreciation.

Today I, Walker, stand in pride to give the loudest applause to all of the backstage crew.

Without your running of errands, tying of loose ends,
never would the top dogs strike a good victory,
sustaining the glory of the school.

With this, I applause for you guys!

Well done, everyone!

A rodent and a cat

Army Day, as well as a Friday;
took my Physics paper wearing my decorated uniform.
There's a mixed feeling within me today,
as well as a whole deal of thoughts;
ideas and plans came galloping around my mind,
yet it seems like not many of them are put into action.

I was on my way to school today,
and I saw something I would say, unusual to urban beings.
It was 0630 hours in the morning,
and I saw this cat 'dueling' with a rodent.
The cat is frail, weak and malnourished;
the rodent, a small little rat that looks like it just reached its teenage.
The rodent's dexterity was too fast for the cat's paw;
after much struggle, it manage to escape within the perimeter of danger.

So the little rat took a turn at a corner,
and scurried away quickly.
The cat went hot on heels, but stopped at the bend of a wall.
There the rat believes that it is out of danger;
it slows down and crawl off, flamboyantly that it once again escape the gates of Hell.
Here, the cat hid at the corner;
listening carefully to the surroundings and on high alert,
the cat is determined to eat its breakfast.

So after a few steps the rat paused,
believe that the cat have given up the chase.
But not in this case;
the cat have the situation in its paws,
and is ready to strike anytime.

At the very crucial moment, the cat hesitated;
it wonders would this ambush meant a sumptuous meal,
or would it, because of its inferior skills, leads to a hungry morning.
The cat isn't so sure of its plans now;
it stood stationary, and listen, observed the situation once more.
The cat is eager to strike successfully- at all cost.

Here the rat who paused for a moment realize something:
itself is still under danger.
While the cat is indecisive on its actions and not confident of its plan,
the little rodent ran at top speed towards the nearest drain.
The friction between the rat's nails and the cement ground alerted the cat;
but then, it was all too late.

The cat looked in all directions.
Where is it? Where is it?
After moments of anxiousness in the middle of the road,
it then walks away slowly, depressed and hungry;
the chance of another meal wouldn't be so soon.

I was a little amused by this situation,
but yet I'm also kind of enlightened;
isn't every chance, opportunity or situation in life,
just like a rodent-catching game?

At times opportunities strikes;
we utilized our abilities and struggle to win a prize for ourselves.
After a long battle, we grew tired of the game;
yet at the same time, the defense of the opponent is critically weakened.
Just as we're about to give the final blow with our final might,
we wondered if this time round it would be a success-
the past failures and struggles seem to oppose the usage of the same tactics.
We hesitated on our actions, and was indecisive on our plans;
there, we gave the enemy walls and towers a chance to be fixed,
and then, opportunities scurried away unknowingly.

From there, we deemed that our skills have failed ourselves,
and we plunge towards defeat and bitterness.

Today, this happens to the friendly neighbourhood cat.
But I wonder, how many times this happened to me?
Coming upon a situation, a chance or opportunity;
I struggled hard to prove my worth,
yet at the crucial moment, I hesitate or doubt myself,
and in the end, walk towards failure.

Upon standing at the parade square today morning,
I saw you walking towards the foyer.
Then I wonder, upon the times that I interact with you,
was it the times whereby I hesitated to given an encouragement,
doubt that an apology would work, or were indecisive in patching things up,
that eventually lead to the disintegration of our friendship?

Perhaps sometimes failure doesn't lies in our skills;
it lies in ourselves.
We were not confident, indecisive and full of doubts;
we never trust our actions, or believe in our skills.
Perhaps, because I didn't believe that a concern or two will make things better,
hence I lost many friends.

So what about this?
Well, I just hope that in time to come,
dear readers would be confident of yourselves;
trust your actions, believe in your plans, and act without hesitation...

Don't stop believing.