My Ambition

In every Primary student's life,
there is bound to be a time whereby their teachers get them to write this essay;
a straightforward, yet profound and in-depth one.

"My Ambition";
often kids came upon with dreamy and kiddy content,
like being a teacher, doctor, lawyer, etc.
I remember the first time my teacher got me to write this essay was back in Primary 2.
That time, being ignorant and childish,
I didn't really have much of a dream that I wanted.
I've thought of being a cop back when I was in nursery;
but well, this occupation doesn't seem to be much forward-looking in that demanding school of mine.
So, I just scribbled a 'lawyer' and went on crapping about it.

Then in Primary Five my form teacher again got me to write something similar.
"What you hope to be in the future";
back then I was increasingly interested in history and politics,
so I, with much naivety, wrote down a 'politician'.

So later with that disappointing PSLE score of mine I went into my current school.
I joined the Corps, so the ambition was temporarily changed to 'soldier'.
Later I started watching the anime One Piece,
and the 'soldier' in me kind of evolve into some kind of 'marine' or 'naval officer'.

Yet however this little aspiration of mine was smashed when I got screwed in my CCA,
and faced with a lot of conflicts and politics in that company.
With much of a negative light and cynical view of the NCC,
I simply brushed off that 'marine' in me;
there onward, I didn't have a fixed ambition or a realistic dream to motivate me.

Other than these, there are many times in life that I thought of being something;
I thought of being a writer when I began to developed my writing skills,
as well as winning a few writing-related awards and earned a fame for writing.
I've also thought of being a counsellor,
when I was being counselled by the school counsellor for my problems.
There is also a time whereby I thought of being a businessman;
to learn the ropes of business and win the game of life.

But many a times, these demanding aspirations are smashed right in my face,
when I faced up with academic failure or ability inadequacy.

Often I get dejected in life,
because I perceived that I didn't have a vivid dream that will drive me to the future.
People around me either have a relationship or a dream;
it is what that motivates and drives them for good grades respectively.
Often, I gave myself the excuse that because I didn't have an ambition,
then I shouldn't have a reason to work hard.

There are also times whereby these ambitions faced cynical response;
peers, family, teachers sometimes thrashed these little room of growth...
"You think you're capable of doing so? Look at your results!"
"Stop being unrealistic and get a life la..."
"I think its time that you really, really start planning and not daydream..."
"Ha, who do you think you are, let us just wait and see!"

Often, these ambitions proved to be vulnerable to sarcasm.

Then I sat down and began to wonder.
Why did I change my ambitions so often,
why are my ambitions so easily shattered,
why are my actions never bringing me anywhere to my ambitions?
Why, after changing a few ambitions to suit myself,
I just couldn't get it right?

Then I just realized why:
since the start, I've never been serious in writing this essay on 'My Ambition';
thereafter, I've never reflect upon this essay to my actions in reality.
I've never been serious about anything,
I've never put any of these ambitions in the priorities of life,
and I've never, never get really cracking to move myself towards them.
They are just like empty promises- that's why they shatter so easily.

So now I sat down and began to plan seriously about this,
the essay that was not completed for 10 years.
But facing academic failure, relationship problems and lost of direction in life,
all that appears in my mind when I thought of ambition was the French Foreign Legion.

Now why is that another ambition of mine?
Because I've heard of people saying that's where you can start everything afresh;
a different life, a different routine, a different identity.
perhaps that is what that i yearn most in this directionless life of mine.
That's why I aspire to be a Legionnaire.

But yet, it takes effort to train and build up in order to be part of the Legion;
so right now, what am I going to do,
in order to get this last ditch of completing the undone essay a successful one?

Yet, it seems like I still lack the answer that I desired.