Talents, Skills

Today is Teachers' Day cum ACES Day.
Well, I can't expect that much from the school,
but our kind Mr Heng opened the range for us to shoot.
So, there's shooting event in our circuit run.
I hope one day the school will bring in the real Pentathlon,
which I deemed as impossible.

I don't know why, but today left me with a lot of thoughts.
Not about teachers, because I'm grateful to them everyday,
not just only on Teachers' Day.

What left a question pondering in my mind was the concert.

I must say today is another display of talent.
At the circuit race, at the shooting range;
talents on the stage, dancing, singing.

In the past, sometimes when I looked at these talents teens;
I often bring them into comparison with myself,
and start to feel inferior of myself.

But not today, not anymore.

Because I found my true talent.

Educating.

I must say I'm not a very good listener in Education;
but I guess people cannot deny the qualities and Leadership I had in Education.
It's a bit boastful to say so,
but, I doubt even BMTC can trained a top notch platoon in 16 hours(in one month) time.

I always want to find a field to display my skills of education;
well, after some time, I had this little period in NCC,
as a mentor, educator.

I firmly believe that all of us have certain potentials within ourselves.
But what matters most is seeking for that potential,
and then, developing that potential.
The seeking part is a bit hard; I took three years.
But I would say whether if you guys want to develop is or not...
It's directly up o your choice!

I believe that all of us are born with a purpose, a destiny in our life.
And I trust that the potential lying deep in us,
is the key to open our Door of Destiny.
Looking for that door is hard;
but looking for the key, even harder.
But at the end of the day,
what matters is that if we are willing to put the key into the keyhole,
and then, open the door.

Many didn't have the courage to open the door;
because they had to risk something else in their life to open the Door of Destiny.
But some overcome various obstacles,
and found their destiny, leaving a name in history.
Lenin, Churchill, Edison, Einstein...
They were born like any of us, commoners.
But they grew to do things so uncommon.

I lacked many basic skills many had.
I couldn't learn things well,
I couldn't play a musical instrument;
can't sing, can't dance, many things.

But I guess my orating skills and teaching skills will bring me to great heights.

I vow, one day when I achieved something,
I will go back to Zhonghua Secondary School,
and give an inspirational speech.

The first few lines of that speech will be:
"Principal, Teachers, Students;
When I was back here, unlike you all,
I flunked my results badly, and I'm a social outcast.
I was on the negative scale...
But now I'm on the positive.

If Fate allows me to do this...

It just proves that Dreams really do come true.

600th post

It's a god 600th post today, including private postings and drafts.
Over here, I thank all visitors and readers,
for the unfading support over the past two years,
such that your anticipation for the blog's post motivates me to blog more.

It's another average day today.
Same old stuff; work, work, work.
But today i believe that I've done something meaningful.
I've talked some sense into my juniors.

I always firmly believe in the Quaker religion's self-inflicted penance,
as well as the idea of self-understanding and giving chances.
Punishment, sometimes it might be a must;
but I firmly believe that we have to do it in the right way,
such that people would understand what they did wrong,
and most importantly, why they did wrong.

I've never oppose the use of corporal punishment;
in fact, I'm a strong supporter of the use of corporal punishment,
be it under civillian, criminal or military context.
However, I also believe that corporal punishment has to be dealt the right way-
such that it fulfills its requirement of making the condemned understand their err.

After two years in NCC,
and going through much punishments that were dealt wrongly,
as well as various forms of unfairness;
I always believe that punishment is a good opportunity to change one's personality,
be it for the better or the worse.
The result of a punishment- good or bad- can have long lasting consequences.

I'm proud to say that I am very saddistic,
but saddistic in a way that my juniors learnt something.

I never took corporal punishment as a first choice.
Instead, I believe in strict reasoning and warnings,
sometimes to the extent of threatening,
are something that can have better results that dealing corporal punishment right from the start.

Punishment is dealt not because something is done wrong or discipline is flawed,
but it is done so in order to stop an individual in continuing the same mistakes which will lead to more dire consequences.

If punishment, from the start, is to stop things from going worse;
how come most of us use it as if we had to condemned one person, until death?

That's why I choose to talk sense, analysing situations with my juniors,
rather than giving them the 'Death Penalty' right from the start.

That's why I gave chances.

Never was I given a chance in NCC.
Be it Annual Camps, Freestyle Drill Competition-
Never was I given another chance to redeem myself.
Instead, I was sentenced to 'Death'-
My talents, forever, unrecognised.

These bad memories never taught me to took revenge,
but instead, change things for the better,
so that history does not repeats itself again.

I believe chances are what people need.
Some might realise them, some might not;
but sooner or later, all will realise the true definition of chances.
Which is to lead you to the right path.

I have various cadets who skipped trainings all the time.
Till now, they are still doing so.
But never did I dealt harsh punishments on them.
Because I knew that will for sure,
extinguish the last enthusiasm they had for NCC.

Being an educator and a mentor myself,
I always see the point of my teachers' action.
I understand why they gave detentions,
I understand why they gave extra work;
I understand why they did things in certain ways.

Because I am an educator myself,
and I doing the same of what my teachers are doing.

So I learn.
Learn to feel the feelings of teachers.
I tried to help them, cooperate with them.
Go to lessons on time, hand in work on time;
I didn't want my cadets to make life difficult for me.
Neither my teachers want me to make life difficult for them.

I guess my job as an educator,
is not just to teach and educate them from 1430 to 1830hrs every Friday.

It is to help them in wherever I can render help,
teach them to be morally and justifiably upright;
to stand up for what is right, to stand up against what is wrong.
And to answer they questions, clear their doubts;
To encourage them in areas where they lack of confidence,
to give them chances in areas where they lack opportunity,
and to motivate them in their dreams.

That is my job, as an educator.

When You Believe

It's a beautiful Sunday morning;
and you wake up, finding nothing to do.
I thought of doing some revision today,
but uhh, let's talk about it later in the afternoon.

Before you can inspire with emotion, you must be swamped with it yourself. Before you can move their tears, your own must flow. To convince them, you must yourself believe. -Winston Churchill

I believe all of us do have dreams, all of us do have aspirations;
likewise all of us have fascinations and visualizations.
Things in this world is separated into two kinds;
the fact, and the fiction.

Over here, fiction doesn't mean something is fake or unreal;
it refers to something that isn't true at all.
But then, there are possibilities that it will turn into reality anytime,
or just remain as a dream that meets us during sleep time.

Dreams, fascinations; they don't really take much to be achieved.
One must work hard towards these goals, and they will come true.
But then, we must always take the first step towards dreams;
the first step, is usually something that many realised they missed out in the past.

Which I refer to as, Believing.

As what Buddha have said,
not to believe anything,
unless it correspond with your reasons and your common sense.
We can believe in our dreams.
But at another point of view,
are they really achievable?
Are they something that isn't all talk but no action?
Are they something that isn't too much of a fascination,
such that there is no way that it could happen in reality?

These questions from the harsh reality,
often destroy many dreams,
leaving many people in despair and suffering.

I could say, you couldn't really shape your dreams as according to reality;
relatively, you need to shape them as according to yourself.

It might not happen in reality... Who knows!
Anything that have not take place might have a chance to happen.
What matters is that whether we have the 'capital' to achieve such goals.
If we have, no matter how unrealistic our dreams might sound,
it will soon happen, becoming reality.
However, if we don't have the 'capital'....

There are still ways that we can achieve those dreams,
realising those fascinations.

The greatest power in this world,
is nothing but Believe.

When you believe, it becomes a permanent thought of you.
Ever heard of the saying "Your actions are consequences of your thoughts?"

Believing it, and trusting it;
it will become your actions, your effort.
And with those effort and hard work going on all the time,
no matter how big are the boundaries,
no matter how tall are the obstacles,
no matter how strong are the adversaries...
Your dream, will come true,
turning into reality.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I would say, nothing is perfect;
and at the same time, nothing is impossible!
Humans dreamt of flying like birds centuries ago,
and the Wright Brothers turn it into reality;
Woodrow Wilson thought of a world organisation that unite the world decades ago,
and United Nations keep peace and harmony on Earth.

Decades, centuries, and even millennium...
Dream turning into reality, all it matters is just time.
Sooner or later, I believe all those aspirations of ours will take flight,
taking with it the human civilisation,
soaring into greater heights!

"The world... Yes! Seek freedom, and your world will stand stretched out before your eyes. If the endless dream guides your spirits, Conquer it! Bear conviction behind your flag!" -One Piece Anime

them. me.

Well, got some work to zero in on today,
and also some revision for EOYs.
Can't really find fun these days;
not to mention about having the mood to do work.

Had long night chats over MSN with a few juniors yesterday night;
late, deep into midnight,
talking about crap from various areas.
Well, sometimes, I would say that my greatest achievement in secondary school is none other than earning the respect and trust of my juniors.
Not all of them, but most.
Unfading loyalty and die-hard brotherhood.
I thought this kind of thing would only occur in Imperial Japan.

But then, a taste of power in this form...
It doesn't really satisfy any greed or lust,
but rather, a form of achievement, as a mentor.

Sometimes I worry too much about my junior's future and career in their CCA.

But these worries are essential.

Rises and Fall, Division and Unity;
cycle after cycle, history always repeat itself.
It does, is because the human race doesn't learn lessons from history.
We failed to reflect upon our mistakes,
we failed to change for the better.
That's why, we always commit stupid mistakes one after another;
how ironic we still refer them as 'stupid' mistakes.
Relatively, it is us that is stupid at times.

"Gary's worth it, to be my successor."
Dog told me this once before.
I shall not hide my true intentions here;
what I want is a straightforward, righteous leader to lead the company;
a leader with a good sense of direction,
who is able to lead the company onto the right rack,
remonstrate the officers when they did something wrong;
that, is what I define as 'Leader'.

Rather than scumbags that only knows how to flirt gals,
and did nothing but get people into trouble.

"Not to do for the sake of doing,
for for your own good, for others."
I told my juniors.
I wanted them all to be righteous and upright gentlemen;
having the right character, thinking with the right mindset.
Time after time, I do see improvement in various cadets,
as well as some of those that demonstrate upright personality:
TiongLei, Matthew, Edmund, Yu Liang, Deon, Chee Keong.

Dog, we don't need a person who knows how to do things;
because one who do things without questioning is a DOG.

I would say, how as the results turns out to be,
I will be the ultimate winner;
all are my subordinates.

It's just a matter of if we are to make the wrong choice and accumulate bad karma.

I think this is my destiny.
Here, no to enthroned myself,
but to enthroned the right leader,
leading the masses out of this mess,
in which had been worsened by useless "leaders" generation after generation.

I...shall make him King!

I couldn't afford to leave myself a bad name,
in which to see that my underlings are the ones who will make the 16 years of hard work collapse in one moment.

That's too heavy a price price to pay.

Understand, Dog?

Righteousness

Well, I must say today is filled with fun.
Really, things happen in certain ways that make you happy.

Err, maybe school ain't that nice,
but surely the after hours are what we enjoy.
For a long time I wasn't down for physical training;
today's PT was sort of fun, as well as refreshing.
Thanks Brandon for the awesome PT session, haha.

And then....yeap.
CK Ng ran around like a crazy person,
spraying everything with deodorant.
Including me and CJ. Holy shit.
Then I think I ran my best record for 100 metres.
We're typically running for our lives.
I think we broke Usain Bolt's record, unknowingly.
You know, the "greed" for survival is very strong.
In order to survive, we find ourselves a bit of superheroes at times.

And one thing, I just found out that crisis is going on in my men.
Well, the same old shit every generation would go through- power struggle.
Don't want to talk too much on it;
I believe the kids have their own ways of solving things.
After all, I believe they're grown ups.

And I really like righteous people.
People who does things for a right reason and moral.

"Not to do things for the sake of doing,
but rather for your own good,
to help other people."
This is what I told my men.
I don't know how many took the advise into their heads-
well, enlightenment is all up to them.
Our efforts, our teachings;
but it is up to them to interpret whatever we say.
Really, sometimes, I ain't God, I can't do that much.

I just hope that the same shit wouldn't happen again;
having a good-for-nothing as the overall-in-charge,
screwing things up, screwing us up.
This time, we need to be serious about it.
One wrong movement, that's the end of ZHNCC.

Righteous people, I would say.
Only righteous people could lead the masses out of dark.
I would say I had a few men who are absolutely righteous;
on the other hand, some that are cunning and evil.

After all, they are all my men.

All that is necessary for the evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
I'm a history student;
rise of Stalin, Hitler, Hirohito, Mao Zedong;
lessons after lessons, I learnt the experience of the past.
But then, am I going to put the lessons I learn into any use?

This time, I am.

I have to do something.

At any cost.

Dog, it ain't any single shit.
A worthless person like me...
can come to you with something sharp anytime!

Teachers II

Don't know by when, I started to take the right perception.

The past few days had been very bad.
Seeing things you wouldn't want to see,
and having things turning out the way you wouldn't want it to be.
Thought of a lot of stuff I shouldn't be thinking-
gas taps, 'flying without wings', hara kiri, etc.

But then, I guess life took much a change.

Heaven had been trying to stop me from doing all the silly stuff.
First was showing my worth in making me doing good deeds,
and then an ultimatum by making Ms Lee saying that sentence.
After that, a couple of advice from Mrs Ho and Mr Tham,
and then a thrashing from uhh, fatball.

Before I start my 'case proper',
I just want to tell you if you read this;
I heard what you said today,
and the moment you told me to 'just go die',
I really felt like jumping off from the fourth floor.

Thanks a lot, Mr Tham.

You have always been a very 'long winded' person;
no matter whatever you do or say,
you always emphasized to us the importance of it.
I must say that you're a good teacher-
you teach well, you make sure we understand your lessons.
I always knew that the notes you gave us which we failed to file all the time,
are your hard work and effort.
Every sentence, every effort, every question...
You set it just for us.

I must say, you did more than what your job expects you to do.

I believe that the Ministry only pays you for teaching Math to us.
But not for counselling us when we are low and down,
and not for encouraging us when we failed sometimes.
Thanks a lot for your counselling today.
Really, it makes me took another perception towards things,
and felt so much better than before.

Not only you make yourself a teacher,
you're a lifelong mentor to me.

I don't know if the Mathematics you taught me would be of good use in the future.

But as far as I know,
the principles and morals you taught me,
will surely be of good use to me next time.

I met many teachers in my life.
Some were just there to do their job,
some were there to render help anytime,
some were there to screw things up badly and give a bad attitude.

You have your own life,
you have your partner;
but everytime you choose to dedicate most of your time,
not to your job, but to your passion.
Your care and concern for us.
Preparing for lessons, teaching lessons,
and even after hours, there for help;
academic, emotional, or others.

I met good teachers and bad teachers throughout my life.
Some are like Mr Tham, always there to help;
a minimal would screw your life badly,
and make you suffer. Really.

But then, I would like to say;
good teachers, bad teachers, all are teachers.
Whatever they do, they gave me a platform to learn,
to reflect, to understand, to enlightened.

Good teachers, one day my achievements would make you proud;
bad teachers, at least one day I'll make you understand I'm not that rotten.

friends, power

yesterday night, CK Ng called me and said,
"hey, there's somewhat a chance that Daryl Zeng's coming online;
wanna give it go for the last time?"

though things failed badly,
the coup failed, the leader chickened out;
but CK Ng never failed me.
as always, he tried all his best to render help towards me.
i guess that is what i call friend;
being there for you when you need them.

i kept thinking of how friday have been an awesome day.
not only i see the true facets of people,
gained support, understand who are my true friends;
i think, i somewhat reconcile with another friend,
who i had a dispute with weeks ago.

it's kinda amazing to see that this friend could cool down so fast;
usually it takes quite a long time though.
like, one month?
and this friend somewhat reassured me that we're friends, always.

i guess a true bond is so much more precious than anything.

even more than a piece of cloth,
my dear, koh chin, kenneth and joel.

that happiness is still in my heart.
happy that i knew i had so many friends supporting me;
having know that those cadets in which i reformed swore absolute loyalty to me.

i always wondered what does the word, 'Power' defines and meant.
i always thought that power is something like this:
you're a head of a certain organisation,
you have the most say, you're the highest in hierarchy;
and you reigns supreme among all the other people.

when i was firstly recruited into NCC,
power seems to relate with the USM so much.

but now, i can say that the definition above is so damn wrong.

i guess power is the ability to garner support among people,
having people to listen to you,
in which you have a certain influence over them;
power is being able to have people that are truthful and loyal to you,
in which they will die for you under any circumstances.

i guess what i long wanted in NCC,
is finally here!

but at a second thought,
having all these or not,
it does not matter anymore.

really, they say things could change people,
and things could teach something in which is very important.
this time, not only i've seen the true faces of those people;
i learn how to cherish them.

friends are just like stars.
at time you might not be able to see them;
but they are shining all the time for you,
just like stars above the skies.

eyeball method

i was having a late night chat with my aide-de-camp last night;
and then, we mentioned about a lot of things.
about the heroes of the company, the dogs, and the cowards.
we mentioned of our vision, and our fears.

twenty seven men, me and CJ's six chevrons.
first chevron: improving the standard and discipline fast in one month.
second chevron: changing the school's stereotype on NCC.
third chevron: starting the syllabus faster than ever.
fourth chevron: changing cadet's attitude towards NCC and life.
fifth chevron: understanding the concept of teamwork and communications.
sixth chevron: trained to do the 'eyeball' method.

the 'eyeball' method is a way of communication,
in which when the platoon sergeant looked towards one side,
then the cadets will go towards that direction.
i still remember when Warrant Eric said this during spec course,
all the impression was 'what the hell?', 'animal trainer'.

but apparently i did it, and it was a big success.

at that very moment, i felt so proud, so achieved.

they weren't listening to my words.
they are looking at my eyeballs.

i don't have much to boast about;
but i can boast about my platoon.
what's so good is that i had 27 good gentlemen,
who created miracles after miracles;
and an excellent aide-de-camp,
who never fail to support me and advise me all the time.
and also a good ASM who always help to counsel the cadets.

i never gained much in NCC,
but i gained this good and happy experience.
learning from my men, my aide-de-camp.

and so, back to the story, we talked about various things.

talked about the current actions;
what possibilities it will lead to,
and when will these ominous events take place.
i was very, very upset with my mate,
and sympathetic with my juniors-
his decision to seek survival like a coward,
affected the prosperity of the next three generations.

what the hell, man; i'll never call him my friend and brother anymore.

take it that i made a wrong friend!

and me and my aide-de-camp when on;
talking about the various miracles we made;
the kiri/kanan belok, the tip top standard, the eyeball method...
there's a lot, too much to list, haha.
and CJ said this to me,
"At first I was a bit skeptical about all these when you said them.
But when we did it I think we started all right.
Miracles do happen.

every friday, me, CJ, and the 27 of them;
we created miracle after miracle.

to me, they are somehow a burden;
sometimes, my impulsiveness have to give a thought for them.
yet, they are a console;
an achievement in my life, a good learning experience.

when C/LTA Edil told me that,
"Rank is a piece of cloth. Respect is what you earn.",
i didn't really understand this.

until all that took place yesterday,
and i saw those who swore allegiance to me,
willing to pick up their arms and die for me....

i finally understand those words.

患难见真情

i feel so much, so much, like crying.
and these tears, are sweet. very, very sweet.

a lot of things took place today.
as usual, things weren't that nice in class.
well, it seems like i'm an absolute loner in class.
and then, i just felt very, very negative.
imagine enduring five days of sad feelings.
somehow at that point of time,
i felt like killing myself.

but then things took a different perspective later.
well, a series of events took place.
and then, because i didn't receive what that i should be getting;
some of my mates mentioned the word 'coup' and 'mutiny' in front of me.
i was so shocked that these words came out of their mouth;
but then, today's incident told me who were my true supporters;
my true friends, my true brothers.

they knew i was in trouble, being ostracized;
and they were willing to pay any price to save my honour.
i knew that this feeling wouldn't last long;
but you guys told me that i made the right friends.
and those who didn't support me,
were just friends that ain't mine to call.

heartfelt thanks to the following people:
Chong Kai, ChangJun, Deon, Edmund, Daryl, Martin, Yu Liang.

thanks for your support;
thanks for that meaningful and valuable friendship.

people always say that true friendship will only emerge in times of trouble.
today, i saw who were true to me.
i saw who will stand by me.
i saw those that stood with Justice.

all the negative thoughts i developed over the week;
they just disappear in that very moment.

i felt touched, i felt happy;
i lost my promotion, but i gained true friends!
the hardest to gain in this world is people that are true to you.
even if they didn't put their words in actions later on;
at least they gave the sincerity for me to call them friends.

thank you, thank you.

despite the setback, i will never back down.
instead, i will do my very best,
and train the kids to be the creme de la creme.
i will prove to the world;
my success is not attribute to chances given by anyone.
they are fruits of my labour.

and thanks a lot, ChangJun,
for standing by me and talking to me all the time.

but still i must apologise to a lot of people:
those classmates like ziying,
friends and brothers medic, ryan, nigel, lexus, afiq, jenq horng;
and also the one who expect me to be at SSC: C/LTA WeiBin.
sorry guys, i wasn't pro enough to make it there.
if fate allows, we'll meet again.

losing a promotion, again.
this time, the feeling is so much different from how i felt two years ago.
indeed, i seen through a lot, i matured a lot.
maybe, it is all these setbacks that taught me to be good.
maybe, these setbacks are what that make me strong.

i must now strive for better results in my post.
after letting so many people down,
i can't let anyone else down anymore.
especially martin.
his kids are now my kids;
i promised to turn them into heroes and legends.

it was after all, a learning journey.

i thought i always lose out to others;
but this time,
i gained experience people should be gaining ten or twenty years later.

sorry, and thank you guys!

i love you all!

five pieces of paper

Trying to make the impossible things possible; stopping the possible things from happening, making them impossible. Maybe I have failed, but at least I tried.

today was a hectic day, i should say.
well, two SSPs in a row,
and then had quite a few one-hour-long lesson.
it's kind of a record breaking that today i have lessons till 1720 hrs.
well, this simply tells me that things are really get more fast paced, serious.

today a few things happen that gave me another view of life.
or i should say, another view of people.

firstly i want to talk about a story on paper.
to cut the long story short, this is what that happens:
i gave a friend of mine five pieces of paper for her to do her work,
and then i realised that after giving her five pieces,
i do not have enough for myself.
but then, i manage to struggle by with what i'm left with.
and she said that she'll return me that five pieces.
i didn't took it too seriously.
after all, it's five pieces of paper.

days later(today), she came to my class,
and 'die die' also want to return me that five pieces of paper.
i deny it, but she still stuffed it towards me.

though this sounds kind of lame,
but then, i really admire her a lot.
her character, her personality.

you can say that she doesn't wants to owe anyone anything,
or she will return the gratitude of others helping her;
but today i'm simply amazed by her.
i doubt anyone else would do this.

this just tells me that she had a strong personality.
or i should say, firm character.
or should i phrase it as unique?

i don't know why she would do this.
it's just a mere five pieces of paper;
to me, to her, i don't think it is really anything much.
but through this five pieces of paper,
i knew that she had her way of doing things;
she stick to her own principles.

at that point of time,
i felt so proud to have her as a friend of mine.
and i told myself,
i'll never use that five pieces of paper.

people always say that your actions are what that reflects your character.
how true.
what we do are just a consequence of what we think;
what we think is a result of what we feel.
it's just a matter of inference;
a case like, 'he is childish because he still acts like a kid at 18 years of age.'

different people might have different inference for the same action;
likewise, different people might have the same inference for different actions.

things varies according to how we look at them.
we only see what we want to see.
hence, things we infer are actually what we deem it is at first.
in any other case, we call this a stereotype;
or negatively, a prejudice way of thought.

often a same action made will give different impressions;
some people might think that it is no big deal,
others may think that it is something meaningful.
we can't really determine the inference others will make upon our actions;
we don't have the power to control how others think.

since we cannot control how others think,
yet we want others to view us as someone who does not much any err;
then, how should we do things,
so that others will not perceive our actions in a negative way.

i guess the answer is not doing good things;
but being yourself.

only by being the true you,
then you are mostly sure about how you will be perceived by others.
only by being the true you,
then you will understand why others will perceive you in a certain manner.
only by being the true you,
then you can quickly spot mistakes of your personality when you err;
only by being the true you,
others will understand you even better,
hence perceive you in a more understanding manner.

i'm so glad that she's so much of herself.

wednesday

after a good hectic four days,
i'm back here again.

i supposed the world didn't took too much a change when i stopped blogging days ago?
haha, well the few days had been kind of busy.
flooded with 'class tests' and some other assignments,
i barely find time for myself.
and in less than 40 days, the first EOY paper would commence.

things starts to get a serious view here.

sometimes when i looked at my results,
i always wonder if i would end up in ITE after my 'O' levels.
well, just because i scored too low and no institutions would accept me.
but after a simple physics test i had today,
my morale was boost to the max.

the whole week is full of test.
class test, they call it;
to follow the trend, i even have a fieldcraft test set for my 27 men.
what's the nice thing is there's no more other tests after this week.
what's worse is that EOYs are coming. soon.

i guess i really have to get my ass working on those revision.

well, this week's CE lesson was on Depression.
you know depression? that disease in which people gets depressed. very depressed.
and then, during lesson, Ms Lee explains to us all about depression,
and even gave us a handout on a depression incident with research.

and i always thought i have depression.
but i had bipolar.

i always believe that life is so much better when things are so much simpler.
when things takes a more complicated view,
the more depressed we get.
when things advanced and becomes more and more wide-ranged,
we get more depressed.

i can say that i understand how those people who suffered from depression and bipolar felt all the time.
after all, i came along such stages of life, and experienced them.
it's all about having yourself to you-
for most of the stuff you think,
you always percepts that only you really understand how you feel.
for most of the stuff you did,
only you yourself really understand why you did so.

well it is this case.

i always wonder if these stuff are happening on me too.
only having myself to me,
and have to work things out individually.
i guess most of the times it is.
ever since life took a change for the bad this year,
many routines changed.

at this point of time i must say that i changed a lot.
i avoided crowds and gatherings,
i grew to be more understanding and gentle,
i learn much more about leadership, etc.
all were the after effects of spending most of my time alone.

i wonder if my school life is really different from average people.
having to do things, spend time mostly alone;
i grew to lose my communication skills.
when people outcast me, i grew to lose the skills to understand them.

i guess i lost the skills of communication,
in my journey of seeking inner peace in myself.

so now, what? i have to start off a new journey.
out to understand people again.

out to learn again.

saturday

i kept on thinking if i would really make a good leader or not.
well, i;m still bother by the fact that,
if i make a wrong choice,
these 27 men will die along with me.
everyday i wake up to tell myself;
i have to go for the better for their sake;
for whatever i do will directly affect them.

with their firm foundation and the strict training module,
i believe that we can see change in no time.

another thing that bothers me is the other platoon.

well, they might not have really anything to do with me;
after all, i don't see these privates for most of the training except the parades.
now, one and a half month have passed;
but i'm seeing them screwing up and also losing their enthusiasm for the CCA.

after all, i recruited these boys back then.

i recruited them and took them for much of their earlier days.
half a year pass by,
and it's really sad to see that the passion is gone within weeks after the Takeover.

i'm even more upset with the recent shit happening on these Secondary One kids.

i dunno whether to cry or laugh.

back then, i would really criticise the leader when shit happens to his followers.
but now, i asked myself something,
whenever i see shit happening elsewhere.
"am i doing the same shit to my followers?"
"are my followers happy under me?"

often, we have to not just only learn from our own mistakes;
we have to also reflect upon ourselves through others mistakes.

to err is human, to forgive divine.
all of us do stupid things at times when we lose control of our emotions.
nut as a leader, we have to always keep that emotion in control.
now your decisions are not only affecting you.
they bring the same shit to whoever that is under your command.

learning from mistakes that other leaders have made,
and remembering these mistakes;
i have to tell myself at all times,
that i must reflect and compare myself to such mistakes,
whenever i think that i am going to do something wrong.

i always wonder why would my road of life is tougher than others;
until i came across incidents that makes me ponder deeply.

all these incidents,
no matter is it happening on me or other people,
will always bring me to reflect upon myself.
when it is something good,
i tell myself to promote it within my followers;
when it is something bad,
i tell myself to stop it from happening everywhere.

at many times leadership would be just about your decisions.
because the outcomes of the decision will determine whether you're a good or bad leader.

longkang warrior

i just wanna tell you;
if you happen to see this,
i'm happy that youtalked to me today.
after so long.

excerpts of the day: the jungle training.

Platoon and his Sergeant are playing a game of camouflage and concealment in the school field....

Sergeant: now I want all of you all to go and conceal yourself in the bushes. remember, you lose when you get discovered!

Platoon: Yes Sergeant! *run off to hide*

minutes later...

Sergeant: now all of you all are found, I want you all to look for the last man, LCP Johnson and LCP YanGuang!

Platoon: Yes Sergeant! *run off to find LCP Johnson and YanGuang*

Platoon: YanGuang is found!

Sergeant: good! now find Johnson!

YanGuang: Sergeant, Johnson is hiding in the LONGKANG!

Sergeant: what the fish? pull him out!

Platoon: Sergeant, Johnson is too fat to get out!

after Johnson came out of the drain...

Sergeant: the best cadet for today's event goes to Johnson! *claps*

it is a bit of drama, but seriously it was hilarious.

sometimes, they worried me a lot;
yet at times, they brought joy and laughter to me.

some of their actions; i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
they're just one good bunch of great boys.

i don't know how much they learnt from me;
but i learn a great deal from them.
learning how to be a good NCO,
learning new leadership qualities and putting them into action.
and also, learning things from them,
that makes me reflect on myself certain times.

it is just an unexplainable affinity.

it has been fun being their leader.
well, i hope that they do learn the right stuff,
and become the right person they should be.
they have a long way to go;
i hope that they do pick up the experiences along the way.

people say followers reflects a leader's action.
seeing them prospering and earning praises from my fellow platoon mates,
i do feel proud of these boys.

even though they commit mistakes certain times,
and they create unwanted trouble all the time;
well, i have to guide them through,
i have to lead them along,
i have to correct them.

a good leader doesn't do whatever his followers want.
he does what that is beneficial and right for his followers.

i'm not good at conveying my messages sometimes;
i hope you guys understand what i mean all the time.

so far they haven't really disappoint me.

it is this platoon that made me proud.
it tells me,
'you're a good leader.'

A bad leader is bad not because he doesn't make the right decisions; but a bad leader is bad because he made horrible decisions. -3SG Goh ChangJun

27

"I always believe that the most important job among the 8 Heads would be the Part B OIC. You see, these Part B will become Part C that leads the company next year; if the OIC messed things up then these Part B will surely mess up the next generation of Part B, therefore screwing the company thereafter." - MSG[Retd] J M LAM.

no doubt, it has been a hard job ever since i took over.

i always worry a lot.
worry for them; worry for their future.
worry about those that could not keep up with the pace the platoon is moving.
worry about some couldn't learn enough to go for spec course.
worry about those that weren't reformed properly would destroy their own future.

and also worry for myself.

this time round, if i screw things up;
it wouldn't be like how it was in the past.
in the past i would suffer all the shit myself when i screwed up;
but this time, they are going to be the ones who suffered if i screwed up.

i dare not to lax for a single second.
i dare not to slack for a slight moment.

i always told myself,
"after us, they are the last hope the company would have."
the current secondary one cadets don't look promising enough;
but if this batch of cadets were trained to be the elites,
then i could ensure another three generation of prosperity thereafter.

therefore, i choose to go the hard way on them.

27 men, 27 men of different characteristics;
but they have one common side.
most of them choose not to speak up,
unlike my generation.
it might be good; it saves them a lot of unwanted trouble.

but yet, when they don't speak up,
i'm not able to help them properly.

i always felt a special affinity ever since i met them.
then, they were just secondary one kids;
yet very cheeky, very playful.
their previous boss gave them a special form of training,
till many became 'tamed';
i guess most of them followed orders,
not because they respect a certain NCO,
but they knew it is an order,
and as a military man, they have to carry it out.

it might be good;
it saves me a lot of peer-personal problem.
at least they know how to follow orders.

and i'm going to use that to trained them to be the creme de la creme.

look at the picture;
i can say that there are quite a few promising ones.
well, at the end of my term,
i want to make them ALL to be promising cadets.
they are those that have hidden talents in them.
i need to take the effort to discover these talents.

i gave chance for many to perform;
and i can see results in them.
well, i hope the streak continues;
i don't want them to end up like my generation.

i can say that this is my last stand,
as well as their last stand.
my last stand before i get sacked and exile to somewhere else;
their last stand before their specialist's course.

i don't have much time left,
and yet, i still have so much to do with them.

i always think that i am not doing enough.
on the physical side, the mental side, the emotional side.
maybe sometimes i did things too harsh;
some were hurt, yet some came out stronger.
but i have to accommodate myself to all of them.
i have to understand the minds and hearts of all 27 of them.

perhaps this is what 2LT Yeong said,
"It's a start of a new journey.
A journey of a NCO."

a NCO journey isn't super tough;
but it ain't super easy too.
sometimes, i knew that i couldn't depend on myself to train them all;
i need help from my mates.
yet i knew i am the pillar of the platoon;
i am the one leading them where to go,
what to do, how to do.

and soon, they have to know where to go,
what to do, how to do;
soon they will be the ones leading.

i have to prepare them for that.

though i admire certain cadets,
but i never sided any of them.
all, are like younger brothers to me.
i have to coach them, i have to lead them.

i don't know how much further i can bring them;
maybe one day, they'll stop following my orders.

but i hope by then,
they had learn the essence of all my knowledge.

welcome to wherever you are

days just came and went like this.

nothing about any inspirational story today,
but an inspirational song by Bon Jovi.
hope you people would enjoy this song.
'welcome to wherever you are'.
true enough, wherever we came to in life;
do not doubt it, it is somewhere that we're suppose to be at.

school today just came and went like how things are usually.
well, i think i idled another day away.
i don't know when would i really get serious with stuff,
stop joking around, and really get myself to study.
as the days draws nears, i don't feel the importance of really achieving some checkpoints or milestones of life.

many times in life, we often get stuck.
stuck between who we are, and who we want to be.
it seems like we just can't get ourselves to accept reality,
we just can't accept who we are.
and yet, it is impossible for us to really achieve all our dreams,
we can't really be who we want to be.

i would say life is a game of balancing.
we try to seek a balance within many things we do.
it's the same for what i'm talking about now.
understanding who we are, and realising who we want to be.
on our way to achieve our goals,
yet understanding our own capabilities at times.

'Be who you wanna be, be who you are,
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star'
indeed, we have to follow our heart, to be who we want to be.
yet, we have to understand reality, be who we are.

it is not possible for everyone in this world to achieve their goals.
but trust me, having put in the least bit of effort,
to strive for the better and reaching out to the stars;
you can consider yourself as someone who achieved your goals.

at least you made an effort to try.

many times in life we faced the same trouble.
we have a vision, a thought;
yet we are not capable enough to reach out to them.
do not worry, do not regret!

we can all be heroes, we can all be stars.

be the heroes of daily life;
conquer your own fears, overcome your inabilities.
defeating the inner obstacle within you,
you are already one hero.

be stars to the common;
do the least bit to display your talents,
do the least bit to showcase your abilities;
be it a million fans, or just one appreciation,
you are already a star, shining brightly.

it doesn't really makes much difference if we become who we want to be.
it's just like a flower and grass;
perhaps the flower is so much more prettier,
but both are after all, plants.

we always tried to become who we want to be,
because we often want to strive for perfection.
the Heavens and God made us to be who we are now;
we are all but a creation of nature.

remember your perfect,
for that God makes no mistakes.

only by understanding oneself,
then you can go further to overcome various obstacles.

friends II

at last, the four day break is coming to an end soon.

well, spending most of the holiday at home;
reading, doing work, watching TV,
instead of going out and having fun.
it's been a long time ever since i enjoyed such tranquility.

well, i don't know if i have manage my time properly or not;
but well, at least i take the chance to catch a breath during these four days.
tomorrow, school resumes;
everything's going back to the same old state.

well, after typing a post on 'friends' yesterday;
i got some kind of idea up my mind:
maybe these few days i'm going to type posts dedicated to my friends.
no matter if they're good friends, acquaintances, or those that are long lost;
it's time for me, to let them hear the voices of my heart.

i do hope that you will see this, this post.

Dear friend of mine,

I know that you come here quite frequently.
And often, you made replies on your blog regarding to my blog posts.
Be it negative, positive, or whatsoever-
it has become a way of how we communicate.
Though it is some kind of kiddy or childish,
but I very well know that sometimes,
we can only communicate in such manners.

Perhaps at this point of time,
you have long forgotten me,
or never regard me as a friend anymore;
but I just want to tell you that,
deep down in my heart,
I still treat you as a friend,
and I still treasured the affinity of friendship between us.

And I just want to say,
I'm sorry.

Maybe this apology is a little bit too late;
too late to salvage the situation caused by me.
I wanted to apologise long ago,
but then, I just couldn't bring the words out of me.
I don't know why.

Maybe this little apology is a little too insincere,
but well, I apologise for all the trouble.

Maybe I'm too sensitive with words, or maybe I'm too fragile;
sometimes, your words are like arrows, piercing holes upon me.
Maybe I'm too serious to accept jokes.

I just want to tell you that,
for now, no matter how much you despise, or hate me;
I still regard you as my friend.
And for anything, I'm there to support you.

I never regret much about hitting people.
But this time, I really regret.

But, maybe everything has to end here,
like how it ended between me and him.

I do hope that you'll see this.
It took me a lot of courage to write this,
on my very personal blog with thousands of viewers.
Call it public apology, or something that i should have long done-
I just want to say that, I'm sorry.

well, now this blog seems like some six billion secrets site.

friends

i always wanted a portrait picture of me,
donning my full no. 4 uniform,
with beret, my badges, etc.
well i just wanna thank the guy who took this photo;
for the awesomeness his lens injected into me.

today is national day;
well, unlike last year,
today i don't wanna give my 'national day speech'.

i once remember a friend of mine told me this:
"Friendship is just like two travellers travelling on a path.
At a point of time, when both travellers have to part to walk their different routes,
it just means that the affinity between them have ended.
Maybe at another crossroads they'll meet once more,
but then, friednship is like two travellers;
someday they have to part to walk their own journey."

i wonder if he still remembered this;
for he told me then.

i remembered, at that point of time,
we're very, very close;
we're a pair of friends, in love with another pair of friends.

and perhaps that was what that draw us closer.

for one and a half year in the same class,
we didn't talk much to one another.
until one day we went to ken's house to do a project.
a project on sexuality education, if you're curious to know.

since then, we often shared our woes and joys together.
we shared our deepest secrets,
our darkest feelings.
oh, we even went for the morning jog together, everyday.

at a point of time he even employed me to act in his short film.

we shared many things, and various outings.
those LAN parties-
he taught me DotA, i taught him CS.

i called these times seasons in the sun.

but alas, even friends have to part at a point of life.

a year passed, we went to different class.
well, then we drifted further and further from each other.
the morning jogs were lesser and lesser till none.
we never talked much about our hearts to one another anymore.

we forget about that pair of friends.
he felled in love and got into a relationship with another gal;
i gave up mine and went after Nirvana.

until now, the warmth between friends...
there is so little left between us.

i never expect that his theory on friends would work on us.
how ironic.

summer came, and summer ended;
his autumn was with another friend,
his winter, over a fire with another gal.

i lost another brother that i could relay my 'heart stuff' to.

how i wish that we could meet once more in the crossroads again.

his feeling for her was gone;
and perhaps, that bond of ours went along with it.
i don't know. i don't know.

friends came, and friends went.
we do meet again, i believe.

now, i'm waiting for the next destined and fated one,
and then, waiting to reach that crossroads.

hokkien dishes

at last, i couldn't resist it,
and went to a hokkien restaurant.

the feast was great yesterday night.
well, after a long period of greens,
something meaty and tender would be nice.
since i'm kind of 'loaded' yesterday,
so i went off to a hokkien restaurant,
in which only the rich could afford to go to.

well, typical hokkien dishes you would expect to see.
'ngoh hiang' the five-spiced meat roll,
fish maw thick soup with crab meat;
braised pork buns, hokkien noodles,
and then the sea cucumber duck.
well, it was a 12 course feast (i think),
and i had my time enjoying it.

mixed feelings filled me with every mouthful of delicacy.
i remember when my family was still rich,
we used to go there at least every fortnight.
we would order the best food there;
then young, i even had the waitress to feed me.

alas, my family went into decline.
so here am i.

after a good 6 years,
i revive those memories with those delicacies.
i remember how much i don't know to cherish those days;
those food, to me at that time,
was just food to me. nothing else.

life used to be so extravagant,
that i pour the fish maw thick soup onto my rice,
so as to go along with it.
and how much i don't know how to treasure,
that when i was eating the braised pork buns;
i eat only the bun, not the pork.

it was all mixed feelings that filled me.

so i made another little target,
deep in my heart.

one day, i will be so damn awesome rich,
that i would be able to go to that top notch restaurant every week.

wait, i still want to savour the '8 cusines of Chinese',
and then korean BBQ, Japanese cuisine, French...

there's still a long way to go in life.
many things that happened recently made me sober up.
no, i can't just sit there and talk.
i need some action.

i want to 'diao' the whole school,
and make them regret for laughing at me;
that needs action, effort, blood.
i want to be able to afford for feasts every week;
i must have some actions to make it come true.

though the road seems dark,
and everything in front seem so bleak;
i will,
create that future of my own.

Nah, don't think of coming here just only when we can afford for it.
I'm coming here every week next time...

getting up on my feet

uhh, another day just went by.
but thankful what comes next is a four day break.

and a pile of homework.

up to 'expectation', i screwed up in the school's annual NDP parade.
uhh, as bad as the past two years;
the whole school was laughing.

as he was tripping...
yitian: gasps!
school: ahahahaha *shouting fall down! fall down!*
yitian: (got back his balance and slow march properly
3E4: ahahahaha...HAHAHAHA!!!
Mr Desmond C. : OI!!! SHADDUPPP!!!

well mr chong you really save my day.

i don't know this is the how many time i'm losing face again;
my platoon mates got so used to it until they don't even want to mention it.
but then;

i just can't get the shit out of my mind.

it doesn't really matter whether if the whole school laugh at me or not.
after all, even though i committed a mistake,
at least i completed my task proudly.
at least i ended it properly.
duty, honour, country, you see.

but what i just can't stand is 3E4.
already the whole commotion is over,
and already the DM is on the verge of exploding;
yet you gals are still laughing like mad.

it is just very unsightly thing when the DM cuts the parade square to stop the shit.

and somemore, i can see her laughing the loudest among all.

it makes my blood boil even more.

in life, it doesn't really matter when you commit mistakes.
what's more important is that whether are you going to learn from it.
maybe you can screw things up once or twice,
then get thrown into hell and burn for some time;
but after purgatory you must learn from your past mistakes.
be it an accident, be it a sin;
learn, and learn to become a better person.

it is because only through mistakes,
we humans learn.

there's no one is this world that wouldn't commit mistakes.

another thing that i would want to say is,
to err is human, to forgive divine.

yes, we humans do make mistakes at certain time;
but are we ready to accept ex-offenders back into our society?

maybe because of a slight accident, a moment of folly;
then they just lost their rights for everything there after.

it is a human nature that we commit mistakes.
tell me, who never screw things up?

but do we really see forgiving souls around us,
that forgives every human for his or her mistakes,
and give him or her another chance to try again on where they failed?

being able to do that,
you are divine.

seeing how those people laughed non stop at me,
it just shows that their hearts are too small to do great stuff.

life is a journey full of ups and downs.
some people might just fall their way down through the journey of life.

but after all,
be it at deathbed, be it at the gates of heaven;
we do see real goodness that makes it worthwhile to fail all the time.

yet again be it at the gates of hell;

maybe Satan is there,
offering an officialdom for all that hard work.

friends

like any other day, it was another school day,
maybe with a bit of turbulence, yet somewhat peaceful.

the day wasn't really very good uh.
well, just kind of suck when people around you ignore you.
err, they tend to pay more attention to other people than you.
but well, i can't blame them.

what really demoralise me is that,
my friend-cum-neighbour was a bit colder to me than yesterday,
cause one of his good buddy fell ill today;
and then, my platoon mate would rather pay more attention to his friend,
rather than me.
and then, my group for history alternative assessment seems a bit demoralise...
well, these stuff don't really get your day anywhere.

the feeling is back a bit, again.
chinese lesson, when you just stare at air,
when all the others are having groupwork.
well, i'm a mortal,
and mortal can't really accept that.

and so, i thought of emo-ing in the bus home,
and i head off from the terminal,
and put my earphones on.
'Any Other Day' was blasting loudly.

but that was a terminal of fate.

next two passengers to board the bus were long lost friends.

one was daryln too,
the other, medic. HAHA :D

had a conversation about current life,
and then our future targets,
what happen recently,
and also, justin lim.

it kind of lighten my mood when i saw them.

seeing people that you never seen for months again;
that feeling is super duper nice.

sometimes i would sit on bus 81,
and wonder, 'will i see medic, justin, or daryln on this bus?'

again today i ponder over that question,
and it all came to reality.

real friends exist as if they are like stars in the skies.
maybe you can't see them for the moment,
but they are always there,
shining for you.

i know i am shining for them now;
but i wonder who is shining for me.

i just can't use much words to explain that happiness i'm having now.

seeing a friend that you spent much of your primary school days with,
and then another one whom you braved through risks and dangers together.

it was kind of long of waiting,
but at least, fate made us meet again.

if fate has it,
we shall meet once more.

bargaining chips

i keep on thinking for more theories and philosophy,
about why people have different kind of achievements in life.
well, i must say, there is one big factor:
we call it the bargaining chip of life.

what do i mean by these 'bargaining chips'?
definitely it is not something that you have in your hands,
so that you can bargain for better prospects.
well, i call these chips,
something that aids you in bargaining for better stuff in life.

well, what are these stuff, and how are they so special,
that makes them known as 'bargaining chips'?
well, they are these few devils that we know for long;
looks, abilities, cash, inter-personal relationships.

they don't obviously bargain something for you in life;
but with them, i believe that you can bargain for something better,
and perhaps, bargain better than anyone else for something.
that's why, i call them bargaining chips.

to put it in a more layman term,
it just means that these are naturally born or acquired bonus that helps in life.
take for an example for looks;
of course having better looks you will give a much more positive impression,
and this might helps in raising the percentage of being hired in an interview.

but sadly, these chips does not goes to everyone in life.

and only a few lucky ones in life acquire them.
some is because they inherited the good genes of their parents,
some, the good money,
others, the care and concern from their parents to nurture them.

i must say with these bargaining chips 'circulating around in the market',
life is often made unfair for many people.
same human, same kind of people, perhaps the same race;
why then are many people born differently,
some born to be more superior than others,
born to have 'bargaining chips'?

but yet at the same time,
life is fair.

maybe for some of us,
our parents didn't gave us bargaining chips in our life.
maybe we're born slightly uglier,
slightly less intelligence,
slightly poorer and needy...

but all parents gave us something,
in which i could infer that life is fair.

limbs, mind, heart.

all of us have two arms and two legs.
that makes us all the same.
with that two arms and legs,
we could learn and acquire a skill;
and be as 'superior' as those who had 'bargaining chips'.

we all have mind.
perhaps we might be born a bit poorer than others,
but we could use our minds to acquire wealth,
and be as rich as those who inherit everything from their parents.

last but not least, all of us have a heart.
maybe we're a bit unlucky;
we're born a bit crippled, a bit less intelligence;
but with that heart, and setting it to anything we do,
we can create miracles.
putting our heart into studying,
we can be as clever as those that are born highly intelligent.
putting our heart into mastering a skill,
we can succeed even if we might be physically less able.

and putting that heart into anything we do,
i believe, even without the bargaining chips,
we still can succeed.

what i'm trying to say here is that those bargaining chips doesn't matter after all.
after all, we are all human beings.
we prefer something that is close to perfection.
hence we tend to focus more on those looks, intelligence, abilities, etc.

however, it is not these 'bargaining chips' that will bring you success.
they only give you more options to choose in life.

the success of life,
depends on your effort, mindset, and lastly, your heart.

putting the most effort by working harder,
putting in the good mindset by learning more,
and putting in the heart that is needed for everything we do.

i believe, under such circumstances,
achieving what we want is not impossible.

looking at one side, at the 'bargaining chips',
we do say that life is unfair;

but looking at another point of view,
all humans were born to be the same;

doesn't that makes life a bit more fair and just?

another day in life

another day will soon be gone, in like, hours to midnight?

i'm thinking of putting a song for my blog.
those inspirational or meaningful ones,
like 'story of my life', 'any other day', or 'it's my life'.
you know, this kind of songs suits a blog like this.
but what i'm afraid its that it might adversely affect the visitors flow.

okay, so today was an absolutely boring day;
those long, one hour classes didn't make me doze off,
but the dry info just can't seem to get into my head.
err, today Mr Ong was 'encourage' by our CT results to teach 'slower'.
he teaches real slow. really.
but it's good for me, i believe.

err, then the day just ended with attending school and going home,
brunching at a nearby coffeeshop.
was joined by a stranger,
and we had a light chat about the foodstuff in the town.

i'm just wondering why should i waste my life away,
completing the same dull routine daily.

sometimes i wonder if i have the ability or money,
i would migrate to somewhere,
where there's a bigger market, better aspects of life;
and then settled there forever,
marry a local woman, take it's citizenship.

but at this moment i don't have the ability to do so,
and neither do i have the cash.
somemore, my passport's expiring soon. urgh.

i just wonder what else could keep me surviving in s'pore with what i have.

to every man out there i believe they do want a few aspects for life.
to put away that 5Cs- cash, credit card, country club membership, and err...i forgot.
okay, put away these stuff,
i believe what every man wants is this:
adventure, wealth, women.
no more.

and this applies on me too.

go to some ulu ulu country where you are king,
and then you can have as much fun as you want to.
it's a bit like earning US dollars and spending it in vietnam.
you, are king under such situations.

but of course we don't expect life to be so perfect sometimes.

some people vowed to be something great in his or her lifetime,
but ended up being a desk worker or housewife.
err, but they do have a happy family,
three or two kids, that constantly brings them trouble.

then on the other hand,
you have those who achieved their targets in life.
doctors, lawyers, politicians...the list goes on.
but many of them do not have much private time to themselves;
some of them, so busy till they haven't even find a partner for life.

yeah, life is a gift about give and take.

you win some, you lose some.

to us students, it might not be so obvious.
maybe it's like err, your grades ain't that good,
but you get good money everyday.
then perhaps that you get Ds for every subject,
but you have a pretty face.

something like that.

though my life is a bit offtrack,
but still, there's still a bit of give and take for me.

i have good money,
err, and then some adventurous spirit.
i think that's all, ehh.

well, certainly life in Singapore is the same.
you don't have a lot that other countries have-
but you have CPF, medisave....whatever.
and then perhaps you get a lot of fun,
in sweden, finland, US, vietnam.

but people there carry guns, for your info.

we call this a balance of life prospects.

but certainly we try to tilt this balance anytime we can.

just that we don't really succeed, after all.

any other day

"on any other day I'm blue I was crying,
I could tell the world at least I'm trying..."

just another day had gone in life;
like any other day.

weren't really upbeat with some of my tests results;
well, i believe a happy-go-lucky person like me gives no shit about all these.
and i always don't;
there's more meaningful stuff in life for us to care about.
education for the soul and spirit, instead of physical?

well, had another NDP rehearsal in school today.
though i screwed up quite a lot;
but at least i improve compared to the last time.
well, it doesn't really matter anymore when people mocked at me for a bad job done;
a tremendous improvement is already considered a good job!

I caught you looking downwards at us;
but in a split second, you're gone.

and so, after a long day school;
full of jokes and crap,
i'm here back at home,
trying to get a break and to see the next sunrise.

well, sometimes i really wonder how lucky you mortals are,
yet you wouldn't know how to cherish things beside you.
you all whine when you get Bs for your results,
you all grumble when the food in the canteen ain't delicious;
you all cried hard way your crush tells you "let us just be friends",
you all sigh when he or she wasn't close to you.

i really wonder do you see what that is around you.

you all have friends around you,
spending a recess with you nosily;
yet i only have a book, and myself! (:

you all at the minimum, pass your test;
i failed with grey colours!

you all have delicacies of various assortment;
i only have vegetable and rice. with a bit of curry.

you all cried when friends cannot proceed to be lovers.
i never shed a tear when friends weren't anymore!

yet, when i compare myself to 7 years old kids who have to wake up every morning,
loading a AK-47, fighting off terrorist scavenging their homes;
and those ones that suffer from malnutrition and starvation;
and worse still, those illiterates who couldn't find jobs...

and one more, whenever you all feel emo or sad;
you have either a suave hunk or a pretty lass beside you,
who understands everything about you, and consoles you.

i have none, but myself!

i thank everyone for whatever i'm having now.

i used to be very pessimistic about my life...
until i got used to it, and then,
realised that there are people who are worse off than me...

i woke up every morning, grateful and thankful,
and carry on with life optimistically.

i don't have friends that would willingly lend me a listening ear;
i don't have buddies that would sincerely lend me a helping hand;
and of course, unlike you all, i lacked romance, i lacked friendships.

but compared to those third world citizens,
who woke up, only thinking how to survive to the next day...

i do felt that life was fair, to a certain extent.

at least i get education, at least i get three meals a day;
at least i got the ability to pull myself out of shit.

"yesterday's a memory, another page in history..."
true, yesterday's over, and today's ending soon...

but everyday will be like any other day;

when i'm blue, i'm crying;

in a split second i will understand how fortunate i am.

:D

this the story of my life (:

"this is the story of my life, and I write it everyday..."

currently listening to Bon Jovi's 'Story of My Life',
well, the tired and bore-some day just gets perk up a bit by the music blasting from my stereos.

it has been a hard week;
well, common test, NDP, and then a bit of CCA stuff here and there.
finally felt kinda relief that one hard chapter is gone.
now, after a good weekend break,
i am all prepared for shit in the brand new week.

i must say that suddenly,
i felt very happy with life.
even with all the shit that is going on in life.
somehow, a form of perception keeps me optimistic for everything.

i don't know why, but,
i thank destiny for all the suffering and shit i get now.
well, as many would say,
it is best to gain the experience young.
i wonder would going through so much since young would make me more matured.
and perhaps, i won't commit the same shit when i step into society next time.

i think that all of us should live by the 'One Life, Live It' theory by M1.
yes, we only have one mortal life;
one admission into earth, to see and savour all of it.
some people are willing to sell their soul,
just to be pulled back from the gates of hell.
i really wonder why would some people seek death when they faced problems.

i wonder why i would feel devastated whenever i came across shit last time.
i used to get myself into shit that i shouldn't be,
then screw up a bit,
and then at last screw up a lot alot,
then 'piak!', i'm 'dead'.

many just couldn't get themselves to accept the harsh reality after screwing up.
but well, i just wanna say,
this time you screw up something small, you lose face;
gain that experience, try not to commit the same shit,
then you wouldn't screw yourself up next time in something bigger.

to think about it,
i thank destiny for whatever it gave me.
everytime i came along an obstacle;
be it i defeat it or it defeat me,
i just end up getting out of it as a stronger person than before.
it takes a lot to turn iron into steel,
and then much effort to carved stones into artworks.
well, it's the same with human beings-
the more you suffer, the more you learn, the better you become.

perhaps when we have the 'heart of thankfulness' in us,
then everything would have seem to be so much better, and brighter.

screw it up, nevermind.
lose a chance, it's okay.
being given up on, it's alrite!
there's still time till we meet the Maker,
so, don not cry over spilled milk;
look forward, learn the lesson of today,
and face tomorrow as a stronger person.

life is full of ups and downs.
well, we like to call happy occasions 'comedies',
and sad events as 'tragedies'.
a sound defeat, to me, is a comedy.
a victorious battle, is a tragedy.

things and events just varies on your perception.

and i always believe,

the only way to make things seem better,
is for you to see them in a more optimistic way.

amitabha (: