Red Shock

it's a little bit contradicting to talk about this.
talking about losers.
because i am one that gets defeated in my life often.

i got very, very perked up today.
well, i was just participating in a competition at TJC;
then, during a recession, i heard someone playing the piano.
and then my team mates started talking about playing piano, talents etc.
and i just ask them what talents do they possess, blah blah blah.
one of my mates said,
"i'm a jack in many things, but master of none."
better than me, i'm a jack of nothing, and master of none.

sometimes i often feel inferior than others.
i tend to lose out on the talent side,
the academic side, the physical fitness side,
and many many other things.
i sucked at games, i sucked in my cca;
various of my ex-classmates attained top positions in their cca.
being silent killers, they freaked me out.
a prominent cadet of the past,
today my days as a cadet were over.

not just all these stuff.
i tend to lose out to others in relationships.
i mean, friendships, class bond all these.
for my class tends not to be so close with me;
only a couple of them can withstand my bullshit.
as for some other ex-classmates, i couldn't label them as friends;
they don't understand me, and they don't even care for me.
hence, i'm pretty isolated in school.

not even all these.
i'm shorter than average,
fatter than average,
and even uglier than average.
without name, i'm somewhat the 'biggest loser'.

it really feels kinda hardcore with all these stuff.
you tired talking to your classmates,
they tend not to response to you;
and it seems like my ex-classmates who gone through shit with me,
tends to be friendlier and closer to their new friends and classmates.

and you just got ****ed in your cca,
because of some bastard;
whereas those that stayed low profile in the past,
rises to be prominent successors.

my academics, fail.
physical fitness, fail.
talents, none.
friends, none.

it's painful to be the biggest loser.

i should really get rid of that kind of optimism in me.
that 'it's alrite', 'change a dream'.
i thought they are enlightenment to the mundane world;
but they are just excuses for me failing.

i should really get serious with life.
pretty serious.
own the china scholars,
own my cca even if i'm not the highest one,
and become the top dude of the cohord.
it sounds impossible, and a bit of a laughing stock;
but i have to try my best to wake up.
no more enlightenment, no more optimism;
if not, i'll have no friends, no talents, nothing.

even if i failed trying in the end,
i'll have no regrets.
at least, i've tried.