Boredom and Regrets

It's considered to be late now, and I do feel kinda sleepy;
but there's this thought which keeps me away from my bed,
telling me that I should spend some time lingering around in the living room,
think or reflect upon some stuff before I retire for the day.

These days went by with the flipping of textbook pages,
the typing upon the keyboard, and the frequent writing and erasing of maths workings;
I wonder when was it whereby I last stepped out of the apartment.
I wonder how my classmates are spending their holidays;
this time round I don't really have the slow-paced feeling that a holiday will give,
and neither do I feel the stress that the upcoming exams should be exerting on me.
Instead, I just spend the days reading and reading...
maybe for the sake of the upcoming exams, or just to kill time, I don't know.

Sometimes I would watch some movies late in the night,
maybe as a form of self-prescription for the insomnia.
There goes all those science-fiction movies, Source Code, Inception, etc...

These science-fictions always trigger a question,
which I doubt I know or have the ability to answer.
"If there's this instance whereby times can be rewind,
or you can change something for the past,
what would you change?"

Err...
A lot of things came and went, and many incidents took place;
not many left happiness or fond memories,
but a few turned into nightmares that would haunt me for a period of time.
I cannot deny that I did many things which were regretful;
Some of them left hard memories for life,
others drastically altered the path of my life.

There's a lot of things I hoped to change-
like, try not to disappoint some people back then,
stop myself from being rude and disrespectful to some people,
make myself take upon another decision back then,
so on and so forth....
Sometimes I think and think and I came to this conclusion,
in which if I didn't want all these regrets and sadness from the start,
then the only thing I might try altering is to remove my birth from this world.

Ridiculous, but I wonder how much trouble and sadness would that save.

For much of my 16 years of life,
I live in regret, sadness, hatred, self-despise, and most of all, boredom.
For majority of everything I do, bad stuff happen somewhere,
and then I'm left with an emotional or physical consequence to deal with.
If nothing takes place, then I just live simply in boredom and emptiness.

After taking so many turns, meeting so many people, and going through so many situations...
I don't think I have yet to find my purpose, a soul mate, achievement, enlightenment,
much less adventure.
What came by and got stuck were instead regret, hatred, sadness.

Maybe it's due to the cause that I didn't think much before I do.
Perhaps it's due to the fact that I don't understand people, and neither do they really understand me.
Or it's just cause of my character, their attitude, or anything else...

I don't remember there's any good times attributed to personal effort.
Bad times, it's too much for me to list.

Currently I'm facing one of the biggest turning points in life;
yet, due to past incidents and circumstances,
I'm unprepared, unready, unorganised, uncomfortable...
I just hope that I wouldn't end up unsuccessful.

Having screwed up so much in life,
you just hope that this time round something pleasant will be the conclusion.
That's the kind of hope, and feeling I have.

I regret upon my social life, my personal attributions, my education...
I just don't want to regret over my future.
That's something that couldn't be regretful about.

But then, how am I going to survive this ordeal,
given the fact that I'm so badly beaten such that I lost most of my confidence?

Maybe, perhaps, times will be better, someday.