Feeling Lost

I sat in front of my desktop, and surfed the Internet in a random manner;
as the clock strucks 12 midnight, I sigh to myself,
"Well, it's one day gone and a new day again."

Again, I spent much of Tuesday studying,
but again it seems like only minority of those information manage to find its way into my mind.
I guess I have been making the least of the last few days-
reading, eating, studying, and then surfing the net...
Life's never been anywhere as bored or aimless like now.

I wonder if there's anyone out there like me,
feeling lost in the midst of a crucial turning point,
and need some motivation or an advice or two...
Again, I somehow realized that perhaps,
I'm the only one going through things like this.

While surfing the net, I was reminded of a peer in school;
I remembered there's this time I make a complain about this peer,
right HERE, on this weblog, which I said that this peer visited my weblog just for the sake of patronizing me;
and also to say that her encouragement for me to blog more is for me to seek emotional and mental reliance on this weblog.
But now it seems like this had sort of come true;
this place is like a little haven for me to hide from the reality,
and I really hope that people, at this point of time,
still patronize my weblog.

Putting this aside, I must say that I feel less and less attached to the world,
as the days passed by.
Let me put it in this way: the lack of communication with the outside world,
together with the hesitation to reach out to others and the lack of confidence,
is somewhat pulling me away from the reality.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a world of mine;
a situation which is not in relation with the reality.
I tend to ignore whatever that's around me,
pay no heed to the people by my side,
not to mention about giving the least attention to crucial points in life.

Using the upcoming prelim exams as an example,
I tend not to be mindful of the dire consequences of flunking the exams;
instead, all that matters to me is how do I make myself happy,
and to ensure that I doing whatever that suits my will and heart.

Precisely, I feel lost.

Living everyday to see the sunrise of another isn't much of a motivation.
Like I mentioned before, I lack motivation and reason;
not just only that, sometimes I feel I lack a dozen other things.
Things as simple as confidence, support, clarity, strength, will...
I don't know why, but it seems like I'm getting nowhere out of everything here.
I don't see the point, I don't see the future, and neither do I see the future.

I yearn for a little spice in life-
to change things, to motivate me, or just as well to hold me on;
but it seems like this arduous journey is never ending.
I'm getting used to the life of a hermit...
but at the same time, I'm getting bored, I'm getting tired...
I'm getting afraid.

I'm afraid that I'll just plunge down,
never to pick myself up again.

But where can I find reliance, seek help?
Who would actually be mindful of me, and give me support?
What can I actually do to end this ordeal?

I'm tired, really tired;
tired of doing all these things without a meaning, a purpose, an aim.

At this point of time, some people that happens to read this might wonder:
Whining for so long, what's my situation?
The fact is that the situation shapes and change everytime,
and yet the effect on me gets bigger and bigger everytime.

I want a breakthrough. I want some change.

But then, I doubt who would actually understand me, really.

In that case, life goes on.