killing slowly

another day of checking scripts in school.
it's really full of all sorts of emotions these two days.
we have cheers, tears, cries and smiles.
some roared in hegemony when they make achievements,
while some cried like *****ds when they fail the papers.

but things were never so emotional for me.
though i do see a few B and C here and there,
but generally speaking i fare average for the papers.
though there might be some under-performance here and there,
but being able to secure a few distinctions under such circumstances is already considered very good.

sometimes i really envy those that failed their papers.
they let their tears out, and they have a huge bunch of people around them,
giving them tissue papers, cheering them up, consoling them.
you guys might have fail your papers, but you are all very fortunate.
having people that will stand by you when you're down.
friends, friends that comes in time for everything-
they are something that good results or hardcore studying cannot exchange for.
for me, no matter i fail or pass,
all i have is my left and right hand,
giving a pat on each shoulder, as the adrenaline to carry on with life.

and today two people said 'hi' to me.
though it's just a pretty simple greeting,
but that really, really cheer up the day.
somehow, these little things that are so ordinary seem so extraordinary to me.

once in secondary two, i acted in a skit,
a skit about this man that turn mentally ill after the death of his daughter.
but i never, never, ever thought that the real effect would take place.
all these things happening around me,
the kind of feeling i get by my classmates,
the worse-ff stereotype and misunderstanding...
I don't know what have lead to all these,
but I have became a monster.
the very same line written in the script last year-
ironically the scriptwriter is david.

i thought all these was a new start at the beginning.
but it turns out to be in contrary.
though i might have survive well with all these stuff,
but the feeling is a slow torture,
killing me slowly day by day...

i don't know when i would really go crazy,
and then the illness takes effect,
causing bloodshed in the school.
i might sound ridiculous here-
but i am the one that understands my situation the best.

i just need help. company.
but i never get any.
perhaps everything worked a single way-
a cause for an effect.