hmm.

the words might be a bit small,
so you guys can click on the picture and see what it's talking about.

i guess everything i have to say for now,
is all depicted by the picture.
for those who felt that things are getting out of track,
and then things are turning dull and bland;
don't worry. fret not.

because only through difficulties we learn.
the more difficult, the more we learn.

today's fall on the ground,
shall be a lesson for the better.
today's method of solving problems,
shall be experiences of tomorrow.

the people who troubled me, abandoned me, harm me today,
shall be the ones i call the teachers of life.
for the difficulties they gave me taught me well.
well for the better. so much better.

today you might hate someone to the core.
but maybe tomorrow you will be grateful.
grateful for the misdeeds that taught you good life lessons.

i thank those from yesterday,
for teaching me what a hero need.

loneliness.

two down.

two of the much worried subjects are down.
but then there's still five more waiting for me for the next few days.
not really used to taking the exams in the hall;
but when you really get engrossed in the work,
all the environment don't really affect you so much.
so far, so good.
bigger worries are going to come-
sciences for tomorrow and the day after.
well, i have to unleash the potential.

though school today is all about exams,
but when it comes to the pre-assembly period and break times,
well, you do feel alone.
in fact i don't really mind it so much after all, but it's a bit awkward-
when people stare at you and give you the 'what happen?' expression.
slowly slowly, as you get further and further away from people,
you'll get scared, afraid of crowds after time.
maybe that haven't really take much effect in me,
but well, maybe during the post exam periods.

and also, really very thank you to those that say 'hello' and 'bye bye' to me today when you chance upon me by the corridor or in class.
i do really appreciate that.

i must say again in my very own faith;
i believe that we are all born with a purpose on this earth.
we are born with a destiny to lead along,
and everything and everyone we come across in life will lead us towards our destiny.
a lot of things might have taken place,
a lot of obstacles might be on the journey of life;
i met a lot of people,
some gave me sadness, some gave me happiness.

i thought that two years with e3 is a process to change me for the better;
but now i think it is more than that.
the change for the better, is to lead me closer towards my destiny;
so does everything that is happening now.
i must say, the world is not abandoning me;
the world is teaching me how should i be to lead my destiny in the future.
hitler, stresseman, churchill, einstein and edison....
if they lead a hard childhood and early age to discover the big destiny of theirs,
i think, my case should be about the same.

i would say, leave all to nature, leave all to heaven.
i am a product of nature, a product of nature process.
let nature shape me, let nature nurture me.

the more i fell, the more i fail, the closer i am,
towards my destiny, towards my dreams.

永不退缩

my father just kinda 'reprimand' me a bit today,
cuz it's like i never got my mother a present for mother's day.
i never did that for 15 years in my life.
neither father's day, their birthday, etc.
i guess, sometimes i might be a bit a failure as a son.

but i do have something to give my mother after all.
i wanted to get rid of what that is causing her sufferings in this nation.
that, is also what that is causing many suffering in this country.
i vow to give peace, prosperity, freedom and democracy to all.
i guess that is what that every citizen wanted,
as well as my mother.

i don't know what suddenly took that change in me.
a bit of changing into the old me.
which i remind myself of the vows i abandoned in the past,
and then retook them as a target, and head towards them.
sometimes, the price of maturity is hard to pay.
that is the time where the hopes of others becomes your dream.
never do i want to become someone like army officer, naval captain, etc.
i want to do something big, something big that saves the earth.
something that they will name the era after me.

it's another school day tomorrow.
again i say here once more,
i ****ing dread school.
and i doubt my results will be anywhere better-
better than the feeling i have for school.

well, not only the 'resistance' towards school.
and also all the homework, and thirst for knowledge.
all that feeling in the class, the feeling some teachers gave me,
just tells me that school ain't the place for me.
really, a person who have level ranking last year,
suddenly felt all these throughout the months,
and in a week to come, he is going to lose his rankings to others.
again, maybe i'm going to lose something i own.
the last bit of yitian's properties.
then, i'm really left with nothing,
except for my cellphone and my spectacles.

but i guess i'll be alright.
after a holiday at the specialists' course and OBS,
i guess i'll be alright.

and i think after that i'm going to prove my worth again,
like how i did it in the past.

today

as a burning match, I light the fire in the hearts of many.

i would say today is one of the better days i had this month.
school's kinda happy for me today.
i really like how it is going. well, if tomorrow stays this way too,
then it will be good. haha.

suddenly a bit of that spirit is brought back into me.
the feeling of that force, that force that pushes me high last year.
all the motivation for life, all the encouragement.
i dunno how all these came about;
maybe since my classmates started talking that little bit to me,
maybe since i have another perspective of life;
but i felt it. that force that pull me up before.
i dunno how long it's gonna stay with me;
but i know it's gonna be of good use when it is around.

and soon, after all these exams,
it's gonna be spec course, OBS, and many more.
then, we'll be real specialists. the ones leading.
i don't really care about what post i'm going to get;
but i know that i'm going to do something big.
i will light the fire in the hearts of my junior;
the fire, the craze, the passion for this cca, and for themselves.
not only i want to teach them things that is useful in NCC-
i'll teach them things that's gonna stay with them for life.
like how NCC taught me so much.

while i'm trying to prepare for my exams and my specialist course,
now i'm also planning for something bigger.
and finally, much of the idea is done.
with morals and perception mentioned in this blog,
i'll try to write a story;
a story of a romance between a woman and trans-woman.
for this, i need support from big capitalist,
and also one good co-director,
and also those actors and actress that are good but no one discovers their talents.
and i think my ideal scriptwriter would be Mr Cheow.
a shoe shop, NS Naval Lieutenant, and this movie-
that's my life's biggest target.

one year have passed.

look, that's pulau ubin.
my last visit there was around this time last year;
i had a survival course for the durian season.
well, at that time, we learn how to survive the durians.

most likely i'm going to set foot on this little island again,
also during the durian season.
along with ken, most likely, we seek for adventures again.

i would say that i've really, really changed so much.
ever since the last durian season,
i've experience so much in life.
i've gained and lost so much.
i gained friends, i gained experiences;
i lost some of my friends, i lost my dreams.

it is a nice feeling to back to where you started something off.
that was my first HQ course that allows me to mingle with other people from other schools and units.
returning there once more, it'll bring all the memories back to life.
and new memories will add on, most likely.

through a year, i've learn so much,
and learn to change so much.
totally different from that teen filled with rash and immaturity,
today i stood a solemn and calm man.
the same season, the same durians;
the same shores, the same sand,
but no longer the same mates, no longer the same person.

no matter what, the thirst and anticipation for adventure never stops.
another journey is awaiting for me-
i can't wait for it to start!

well, really wish that all will turn out well.

well,

so when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you

no pictures for today, only this quote.
quoted from Mariah Carey's Hero.
an inspirational song that deserves to be hear by all.

i would say, yesterday passed by like a gust of wind.
i spent the day doing A Maths and physics,
and then most of the evening watching chnnl 5.
i wonder if i have spend the time properly,
during this four days that many expects themselves to be studying for the mid yrs.

true, time never waits, and past by very fast.
but i don't regret spending the whole of yesterday,
having a slow paced and relaxed weekend.
because at least, i made myself happy.

we only live once, with so little time spend on Earth.
God knows what will happen to us when we leave this planet.
be it purgatory in Hell, or reincarnation?

we only lived once, once on this wonderful planet.
and the one-time ticket we have for the entrance to Earth,
might be just a mere 60 years.
who knows what will happen to us tomorrow.
we'll never know what we are really, 100% doing tomorrow.
and we'll never 100% know what will take place tomorrow.

but thankfully, we know what will take place today;
we know what we are doing today.
we feel our own existence in today,
gratefully to be able to pass by the obstacles of yesterday.
some might just slack through days and days to reach another day,
but some took efforts to see the coming of tomorrow.

if time is so short, and life is so unpredictable,
then i see no point in doing things that will waste time;
wasting the time we could use to see the beauty of the planet,
wasting the time we could use to enjoy today,
and see the coming of tomorrow,
with an ever-ready and fearless spirit in us.

that's the whole concept of life.
i don't think i would like to be like many of you guys,
wasting this one-time entrance ticket and things that will fret me.
seeking after things that are materialistic,
that will only tire me out, and brings no end to everything.
results, achievement, power, fame, wealth...they ain't everything.
they are not something that is natural on this planet.

but what that exist on this planet ever since it's creation,
will be love, kinship, friendship, care, share.
the various virtues that lies naturally in all mankind from the start.
i paid my one-time entrance fee to see these,
not the power struggling and betrayal for fame of all mankind.
i paid the fee to enter this world,
so that i could help the needy, and make Earth a better place for the next generation.

i live to see the taking place of miracles,
i live to see the existence of love between and human beings;
i live to see care and share showed to one another by mankind,
i live to enjoy and preserve this wonderful world.

if this is the case,
i see no point in chasing after things,
that will cause destruction to my beloved planet,
and will cause hatred between all living things.

remember, we only live once;
once and for all.
a few decades, it's up to how you spend.
the phrase 'spending time wisely',
differs on what you sought after, and what you seek for.

many would say that i am wasting the precious time that wouldn't stay,
wasting the good times of my youth doing things that seems meaningless.

but i dare to stand up to them,
because i took up the courage to seek for things,
in which that they have no courage and ability to sought after.

saturday

well, zihua my brother, your tag there reminds me of another song the Sparkz share.
i guess you'll remember this right?
the time where we were at the lower parade square,
singing this song, trying to jio the ma'am.
again, it was another beautiful memory.
one of the fun times i had with people that i met.
again, i wonder how are my mates doing.

well, at first i came to my blog early in the morning,
and was thinking of blogging to kill some boredom.
but after reading one of my friends tag on the tagboard,
(there there that one that tell me not to be so pessimistic)
i think i got some inspiration to write.
finally that feel is back people.
so let's cut the crap and get into the topic.

and like what she say, there will be people in this world,
i would learn to appreciate for.
i would appreciate for their existence,
appreciate them for what they have done,
all those care and concern they gave me.

yes definitely there are people who i appreciate.
people like my parents, my mates, and some of my old friends.
well xavier if you happen to read this,
i would want to tell you you're one of them.

but i'm just concern about whether if there's people who appreciate me.

to say pessimistic thing in an early saturday morning isn't a good thing to do.
yesterday left me with a good mood for chiong swa today,
and i don't really wish to say pessimistic things that will spoil the mood.
but then, sometimes things really need to be released.
i just wonder if there's anyone who appreciate me.
sometimes, having your existence made zero in many places,
makes you feel like you are not needed by others.

certain times, whenever i'm leaving somewhere,
nobody will note that.
i said goodbye, no one said that back.

a smile from your face,
a reply made to my comment.
sometimes, it's enough to brighten me up for a week.

after going through times where people stood with you,
and you suddenly got abandoned by them.
it doesn't really feels that good.

but i'm glad i'm able to get all that feel back.
that haki, i would say.
that feel that stunned my juniors and shocked my mates.
it was what that took me to the top of the honours last year.

after five months of cold feeling,
i'll just woder if,
next time somebody say's hello or goodbye to me,
will i reply to them?
because living in a class without someone to say hello,
without someone to say goodbye, without someone to reply to your questions,
i'll just wonder if i'll lose that ability to reply.

people i don't want to lose that.

no matter how much you hate or despise me,
next time whenever you see me,
just have that little greeting that will brightens everyone's day.
because i don't want to lose the ability to reply.