It's been some days since the adventure ended;
well, days into urban city, and I've gotten back used to the modern life.
But still, I miss those challenge and insanity I have back in Sabah.
God damned, certain things do really stick there in the mind,
and change you for a lifetime.
There's still a couple of things for me to clear up before ushering in 2011.
Try to complete what's leftover of my schoolwork,
and then maybe fixed a couple of things here and there, getting ready for next year.
And also prepare everything that I should prepare,
before I retire from my position in the Corps next year.
Yea, heck that, fours years of green, that's going to be;
to think that soon it'll just come to an end like this.
To recount back all that tears and joy,
I must say I'm proud to join the ranks and files.
But I must clarify, I was never proud to be in the ranks and files.
I don't know why; the Corps left me with a dozen of bad memories.
The Corps made me see the true facets of human beings;
who's good and who's not, who's the upright and the unscrupulous.
I came across various situations in the Corps;
which most of them were just plain shit that was plain unfair to me.
Seriously, sometimes that little bit of unfairness still stuck there,
as I began to recount about all the unfairness I've been through and seen.
And it was all that unfairness that couldn't make me hold my head high.
Forever in Zhonghua.
And maybe, forever in front of all my friends.
OB Sabah taught me well. It made me thought well.
At certain times, letting go of certain things might be the best solution out.
I thought, well, it's time that I should let go.
Let go of my boys, let go of them to be free men;
let them fall, and watch them climb back up again.
Also to let of of all these traumas that have been haunting me;
and letting go of that little bit of military pride left in me.
I'm trained to tolerate and function in cooperation with military life;
but after all these years I just beg a life to be different.
Military life, no way for me.
NCC's been a way too much; too much politics, too much reality.
I've always wanted to find an area.
A real place that I could call my own, where I'm the owner,
whereby I'm not the one abiding the rules, but making it.
Some second place whereby I could really call home,
after this little four room flat I'm residing in right now.
Zhonghua's been a hard lesson that's way too harsh for me;
not to talk about all that in the Corps.
I'm sick and tired of all that tyranny, all that falseness of reality.
I want to seek for an area whereby I could reveal my second personality,
and work with people in the most fundamental and basic way.
A way whereby we cut all the fake smiles and other bullshit.
Once, my OB Sabah instructor, Floris, explained why he came all the way from Holland to Sabah:
"I grew up in a very posh neighbourhood in Amsterdam...
Everything there was modern. You don't get something like what you're getting now(in Sabah).
After high school, I didn't thought of going to college.
I just want something different.
Something way, way different from all that I've seen."
Me too, I just want something different.
Something way, way different from all these around me.
Singapore might be a great place to reside in;
but that's not some place that I can find the kind of security that safeguards my feelings.
The urban lifestyle may be posh and modern,
but that's not something that could really bring me all the happiness I wanted.
I remembered when I was residing in the kampung in Sabah,
I felt a sudden sense of belonging.
Tell me, is that the heart's calling, or just a temporarily feeling?
15 years of life, near 4 years of secondary school and military life;
and yet, I've seen enough of human beings.
The truest purity of humans lies in when they are still elementary.
The more people are exposed to, the more corrupt their personality becomes.
Enough, I had enough of all these bullshit.
But thankfully, I think I found another place to reside my feelings.
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