New Year's Eve

Well, after a long run we've come to New Year's Eve...
I don't know why, but to me, this has always been the saddest part of the year.
It just kind of hurts me, that memories are getting pushed behind,
and then, you have to go on to seek out for new stuff in the next year.
But then, no progress, no growth.

Holidays' ending, the year's ending;
and I don't know what else is going to end too.
Well, for sure, it's a new era in school next year-
changes in the CCA, and hopefully changes in the school's running system.
it's good to see new changes in a new year;
but they need to be good changes too (like DUH!).

Okay, so I went back to take a look at my 2010 New Year Resolutions...
and god damned it, not even more than 50% completed.
But well, that's okay, at least I've tried;
so maybe the targets are going to be a little bit lower next year.

So, here are the 2011 New Year Resolutions:

1) Weight Loss: Preferably a 60kg.
2) Academics: Don't talk about the points, just good enough to study Chinese in poly.
3) CCA: A good retirement... one without regrets. Maybe the CLT course?
4) Class: If they're willing to let me run elections again... I don't mind doing the shit for one more year. And yeah, we need more class outings.
5) Friends: Used to be a problem, now ain't a problem, and it's never going to be a problem again.
6) Life: More cash, more time, more parties.
7) Love Life: Sorry, but I do not have one.
8) Puberty: By right it should have stopped, but just a little few more centimeters, lest I'm going top be the one shouting 'yes sarge' during the sizing drill.
9) Hair: See how long I can stay with bangs for 2011.
10) That's all, really.

Pretty simple resolutions that doesn't need much effort...
but as they said, 'a simple life is a happy life!'
So, keep things simple, and things will stay happy.
And you will be happy.

And throughout 2010, I've been through serious bullshit;
bullshit that completely changed me.
Changed me for the better? I think so.
I've become more quiet, more meek, and more reserved;
but more understanding, more patient, more forgiving.
Err, well, various people played a role in the 2010 sagas(you can visit the archives to view my various shocked shit),
so, today is the day that we get the credits rolling.

Special and heartfelt thanks to:

Family, and Class of 3E2 2010, and Zhonghua National Cadet Corps.

Teachers that taught me this year;
Mr Ang, Mr Tham, Mdm Jiang, Mr Cheow, Ms Peh, Mr Chew, Mr Brady, Mr Ong, Mrs Ang, Ms Ng, Mrs Seng, Mrs Ho, Mrs Lee, and last but not least, Ms Noraini.

Specialists, NCOs of Charlie Platoon 2010:
CK Ng, CJ, Kah Chee, Chin, Ken, Daryl, Ervin, Brandon, Helmi, CK Seah, Oliver MK, Jonathan, Eric, Joel, Minghan, Weihan.

The Commissioned Officers of the company, and cadet officers Daryl, Daron.

My Boys, the Bravo Platoon 2010.

The usual friends:
Keong Cheng, Ting Wei, Martin Kau, JX, Chua, David.

Neighbours sitting beside me:
Audrey, Andrea, Sher Yun, Ziying.

The girl that could really chat with me in class, you know who you are (:

Friends I met in various NCC courses,

Sui Sen of OB Singapore 13-18 June,

Mat Salleh of OB Sabah 13-22 Decemeber,

Tuition clique:
Xavier, Clarence, Patrick, Christine, Amanda.

Classmates from Chinese class,

Kids I met at the detention area:
Jia Ying, Sean, Kenneth.

And also, the various friends and brothers I had in Zhonghua.

Once again, thanks with gratitude and tears to:

My camp-de-aide ChangJun,

Ting Wei and Keong Cheng,

My good brother CK Ng,

My 'son' Aaron,

Those friends that I made through other friends,

Chua who helped me a dozen,

Ziying who helped me thousand times this year,

Various ex-classmates of Meridian;

Friends I met online through MSN, you know who you are (:

And last but not least,

My dearest sisters, you know who you are (:

All right, that should be all...
I'm sure I never missed out any, I guess.

And yeap, 2011's arriving in like... 14+ hours from now...
and here to wish everyone, a Happy New Year,
a fruitful 2011, and keep that smile on your face (:

Err, I wanted to write down, 'forget you' for number 10 in the resolutions,
But I guess, let me just keep that devotion for one more year...

Right.

Movie

Have been watching movies online nowadays, a whole deal of them.
From Ironman 2 to Grown Ups, and even the 10 episodes of Band of Brothers.
Well, I guessed this shall be the way;
the way that I'll be spending the last days of this holiday.

So, I wonder if everyone reading this might notice the trend of movie.
Every movie has a story to tell, obviously;
and every of them, has a lesson to teach.
They have a thought for us to ponder upon,
and they have a inspiration to give us rooms for creation.
To create what is the so-called 'aftermath' of whatever we see on the screen.

As what Aesop's fables are like,
every story has a moral at the very end.
A moral for us to learn, a moral for us to ponder upon;

A moral that might inspire some of us.

Life is definitely like a movie.
As the Chinese proverb mediacorp uses all day long,
“人生如戏，戏如人生。”
Life, is just like a movie;
with its starting, plot, climax, and perhaps a happily-ever-after ending.
No doubt, this movie of our own has its own moral, too.

Maybe we just get engrossed for 3 hours in the cinema,
but this 'movie of life' goes on playing for decades.
You're the director, the actor, the producer, the scriptwriter...
You are the one that is going to produce this movie,
and you're the one that is the very main cast.

Every moment, you have to rights to change things.
Pulling in new casts and crew members into the studio,
or amending the script, adding in new features, changing props, etc.
For everything that take place, you have the final say.

So, I'm just wondering, life, its just like a movie;
but this movie differs a lot from those we see in the cinemas.
Those are made ready, and we just have to pay for the admission ticket;
this one, its screening every second, and filming every second.

Romance, action, comedy, tragedy;
What kind of genre, you can choose it yourself.
the protagonist, sidekicks, hero, or villain;
this is your movie, you choose your role to play.

A movie that is going on and on for decades;
another difference this unique movie have,
is that every moment, there is a moral to tell.
Every moment, there is a lesson to learn.
Every moment, there is a thought to be inspire.
Not like those in the cinemas; you'll only start thinking when the curtains draw.

You can't rewind this movie.
Neither pause, stop, loop, playback, whatsoever;
and the worse of all, you only get to see it once.
Every scene, every act, every move...
You'll only get to see and film it once.

For this movie, there's no sequel to it;
hence, there's no room for any regrets.
We can't get the protagonist dying,
and then make a sequel to showcase his return.
This movie of life, it's just one and once;
no Ironman 2, no Superman Returns.

It just goes on and on, and you can't pause.
That's why, I want every scene to be something nice;
you can't edit this film like the post production.
You can't cut away scene, or trying to do a voice-over.
It just stays there, forever.

I want every scene of mine to be a comedy;
maybe action at the extreme.
I got no room for tragedies.
And I want this movie to be an inspirational one;
with lessons to teach, morals to learn.

Actors and actresses enter and exit from various scene.
But I myself am always here,
writing this script of my life;
filming and acting every scene of this movie.

This is my movie.
What's yours?

Greatness? No.

Some men were born great; others, had greatness trusted upon them.
Those who were born great create empires and careers that not many could surpassed;
while those who had greatness trusted upon them,
went on to seek higher glory for what that they inherited.

There were many men in history who were born great,
to create pages in the history textbook for themselves.
Caesar, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, William of Normandy.
And they had heirs who were trusted with important greatness,
and went on to push limits and boundaries.
Octavian, Kublai Khan, Peter the Great.

Great men were born out of times of chaos,
to create a brand new era for themselves;
while in peace time certain ones had greatness entrusted to them,
to maintain the peace and order of the empires.

But not all of us were born to be great men;
and not all of us had that responsibility to uphold greatness.

"Everyone could be a leader. It's just about whether you want to."
My teachers and coaches spoke of this a dozen times;
I used to believe in such fabricated tales-
tales of how everything about success just voice down to your own determination.
That was the time when I used to believe that everyone could be great.
I believed everyone should have dreams- and dreams do come true.

But it came to one day, when all these fanciful thoughts shattered.

I always used to think that I could strive to be like one of them.
Caesar, the Khans, Peter, or maybe, just like Raffles.
I thought with enough changes and hard work,
I could prove myself to be worthy of greatness.
Greatness that gives me the power to influence people and change the surroundings.

But reality came to a point that make it very clear to me.
I'm not born great; neither people had greatness entrusted upon me.
I tried to be that guiding lamp among hearts of the common.
But well, I never got a chance to do so;
or should I say, they never gave me a chance to perform?

Be it in my CCA, in class, or other where else;
I feel like I'm being locked up, and put away.
Years passed, and my mates attained honourable positions in CCA and school.
As for me, I'm a mere little specialist, not worthy of notice.
All those words that I used to believe in...
suddenly turned into white lies.

Greatness, I never aspire for it anymore.

Despite not being born for greatness, or having greatness entrusted upon me;
I still believe, I'm born for something.
I'm born to serve a certain purpose,
or maybe I'm born to find a certain purpose in life.
There's still something that is worth living for;
there's still a value that makes life meaningful, as it should be.

For years, I seek out for this purpose.
I kept on wondering, was this born upon me,
or I have to seek it from the world,
like looking for a tiny needle in the ocean.
It might be hard finding something that you didn't know what it is-
but I never gave up seeking.

I couldn't achieve great things in life; neither would people entrusted greatness upon me,
but I believe there's a reason that I came to this world.
There's a reason that I've came to explain.
There's a purpose that I've came to serve.
There's a role, for I have came to play.

Be it negative, be it positive-
I firmly believe that there is place for me to stand among the commons.
I might not stand great or high among them;
but certainly, at the very least, I have to stand equal among the commons.

Not being born a great man, or entrusted with greatness, it's fine!
But you have to live a decent, honest and respectable life.

And when I'm still searching for that purpose of life,
I stoop upon blogger.com, and started blabbering.

Years passed, and those filthy words,
suddenly came to life, dancing gracefully.

I'm thinking, perhaps there's still a way I can change the world.

But for a start, this change shall start from myself.

Having some Thoughts on Christmas Day

It's been some days since the adventure ended;
well, days into urban city, and I've gotten back used to the modern life.
But still, I miss those challenge and insanity I have back in Sabah.

God damned, certain things do really stick there in the mind,
and change you for a lifetime.

There's still a couple of things for me to clear up before ushering in 2011.
Try to complete what's leftover of my schoolwork,
and then maybe fixed a couple of things here and there, getting ready for next year.
And also prepare everything that I should prepare,
before I retire from my position in the Corps next year.

Yea, heck that, fours years of green, that's going to be;
to think that soon it'll just come to an end like this.

To recount back all that tears and joy,
I must say I'm proud to join the ranks and files.
But I must clarify, I was never proud to be in the ranks and files.
I don't know why; the Corps left me with a dozen of bad memories.
The Corps made me see the true facets of human beings;
who's good and who's not, who's the upright and the unscrupulous.

I came across various situations in the Corps;
which most of them were just plain shit that was plain unfair to me.
Seriously, sometimes that little bit of unfairness still stuck there,
as I began to recount about all the unfairness I've been through and seen.
And it was all that unfairness that couldn't make me hold my head high.

Forever in Zhonghua.

And maybe, forever in front of all my friends.

OB Sabah taught me well. It made me thought well.
At certain times, letting go of certain things might be the best solution out.
I thought, well, it's time that I should let go.
Let go of my boys, let go of them to be free men;
let them fall, and watch them climb back up again.

Also to let of of all these traumas that have been haunting me;
and letting go of that little bit of military pride left in me.
I'm trained to tolerate and function in cooperation with military life;
but after all these years I just beg a life to be different.
Military life, no way for me.
NCC's been a way too much; too much politics, too much reality.

I've always wanted to find an area.
A real place that I could call my own, where I'm the owner,
whereby I'm not the one abiding the rules, but making it.
Some second place whereby I could really call home,
after this little four room flat I'm residing in right now.

Zhonghua's been a hard lesson that's way too harsh for me;
not to talk about all that in the Corps.
I'm sick and tired of all that tyranny, all that falseness of reality.
I want to seek for an area whereby I could reveal my second personality,
and work with people in the most fundamental and basic way.
A way whereby we cut all the fake smiles and other bullshit.

Once, my OB Sabah instructor, Floris, explained why he came all the way from Holland to Sabah:
"I grew up in a very posh neighbourhood in Amsterdam...
Everything there was modern. You don't get something like what you're getting now(in Sabah).
After high school, I didn't thought of going to college.
I just want something different.
Something way, way different from all that I've seen."

Me too, I just want something different.
Something way, way different from all these around me.

Singapore might be a great place to reside in;
but that's not some place that I can find the kind of security that safeguards my feelings.
The urban lifestyle may be posh and modern,
but that's not something that could really bring me all the happiness I wanted.

I remembered when I was residing in the kampung in Sabah,
I felt a sudden sense of belonging.
Tell me, is that the heart's calling, or just a temporarily feeling?

15 years of life, near 4 years of secondary school and military life;
and yet, I've seen enough of human beings.

The truest purity of humans lies in when they are still elementary.
The more people are exposed to, the more corrupt their personality becomes.

Enough, I had enough of all these bullshit.

But thankfully, I think I found another place to reside my feelings.

MAT SALLEH ha hey ho !

It's been a day since everything ended...
well, I'm still not getting used to the urban lifestyle.
For instance, I'm walking around my house in just only boxers,
like how I'm doing it in the jungle back in Sabah.
And all that climbing and rowing "change" my fingers;
what's up with this kind of slow and stupid typing speed?

But I would say, honestly, that might be the best ten days of my life.

All of us came together as strangers, who didn't know a single fact of one another;
it was all a same course, with a same target, that bonded us together.
We came as strangers, aloof and distance;
and yet ten days later, we parted like a family, hot tears rolling down the cheeks.

There's really a lot that I learn from these ten days.
I met many people that I never met before,
deal with personalities that I've never dealt with,
and came across challenges that I have no experience with.
Every little obstacle was a test to me, and us;
a test of my perseverance, a test of our bond.
Sometimes we made it through, sometimes we crashed hard;
but it was great to see that at the end, we're still holding on to one another.

It was all the kind of usual stuff that people would learn,
which I got out of these ten days and everyone that I met.
All the textbook answers like leadership, teamwork, etc.
It's a bit pointless for me to talk about the textbook stuff that we'll all learn;
and then, it's kind of inappropriate to again talked about all the stuff every blog post have mentioned.

The ten day course was really challenging.
it challenged all of us physically, mentally and emotionally.
I feel proud of myself that I'm able to overcome my limits to seek for the better;
and I felt proud opf my group that we're always there for one another.

One my my group member, Ray, once mentioned,
"People said that the sky is our limit, and we have to overcome it. And yet, if the sky is our limit, who discovered Space?"

I always thought that everything has a limit to it;
be it negative or positive.
But I would say, the human potential has no limits at all.
The only limit is ourselves- how much we want to do, how much we're willing to do, that's our limit.

There's still a lot, a lot more that I learned from this course, other than this;
but I'll rather choose to share them with myself.
I believe that only those who have went through and seen through shall understand the wisdom behind every little life lesson learnt there;
these experiences are not something that a Tom, Dick or Harry could understand.

I found friends, I found my shortcomings, I found a new self.

And perhaps, by leaving home I found that feeling of home.

It's really very, very enriching.
And it totally changed me.
As what they said, "Bound for discovery, Changed for life."
All that I've went through taught me to cherish every little thing I have.
Including you guys that are reading this (:

So, another unforgettable adventure has come to an end.
And now, I wonder when shall the next one begins.

Another adventure to begin

There's still some time before I need to prepare for my departure,
so I guess maybe I'll just say a few words here.
After all, it's a good 10 days that this blog is going to be dead;
perhaps this little post here could keep it surviving for 10 days?

It's another adventure to begin soon;
like the past, it's one with strangers.
It might be some challenge for me this time;
relying on strangers to survive for 10 days, unlike the past which is barely a week.

Everytime I got to rely on people I don't know,
it forms a special kind of bond between us.
A that would be the closest ever, not even lovers or family could overtake;
but usually a short one to go.
We shall have a common aim to achieve, which is what that keeps us united;
but once this aim is achieved, the bond starts to fade.

I don't know what kind of people I'll meet this time round;
neither what kind of event, what kind of danger, what kind of challenge...
All I knew that this is going to be a brand new experience.
And perhaps, I can learn something great out of all these at the end.

There's still some confusion within my heart-
somehow or rather, I'm not very sure whether I'm ready for this adventure.
But looking at the preparation work I've done all along,
I believe that it's worth giving a a go, after all.

It's always the hardest to bade goodbye everytime,
goodbye from the secluded life, goodbye from the simple routine,
to face something new and stranger.
At this point of time I'm not very sure what qualities I'll bring back,
but I know for sure, I'll miss you guys even more,
and to cherish you all even more when I return.

Clear-mind or confused, I still have to give it a go.
Perhaps, I'll come back tougher, quieter, who knows.

有感

最近老是闷在家里，很少跟外界接触；
从而也失去了不少写作的灵感，一些写作的启发。
每天独自一人在家，早上睁开眼睛，
除了吃喝玩乐，好像也没有其他事情可做。

眼看假期还剩下最后几个礼拜，
也真想去做一些较有意义的事，不要再虚度光阴。
不过，想想看，自己出了门，能做哪一些事？

很少有人约我出去；自然而然养成了喜欢呆在家里的“好习惯”。
每天在家读读书、看看戏，舞文弄墨的，好不自在。
这种没有压力、没有太大起伏的生活，的确过得很平稳。
秀才不出门，能知天下事；每天在家读读报章，看看新闻，也有一番滋味。

不过，人也不能因此而满足于现状嘛。

但是，除了呆在家里舞文弄墨，也不知道要做哪些事来打发时间。

可是，我也蛮喜欢这种与世隔绝，独自一人的生活。

倘若以后有那个机会，我真要过那种隐居的生活；
隐居于深山中，与世隔绝，自力耕生。
在大自然中聆听大自然的声音；多了一份宁静，少了一份吵杂。
不问红尘俗事，只愿孤独一人，随心所欲。

世界的东西看得太多了，只想去找一个不见炊烟的地方，闭关修炼。

能够这样过一世人，也心甘情愿。

真想逃离这个闹市，逃离残酷的红尘之地。

还真想要过一个与世隔绝的生活啊。