Self-Reflection

I guess it's been some time since the previous time I'm here;
likewise, I wondered once again,
how many of those patronizers would actually visit this blog at this point of time?
Well, despite the fact that statistics shows a declining rate of visitors,
I believe that there's still people out there who appreciates my words and prose.

It's been some weeks since the previous preliminary exams;
again, as we move away from one climax to another one,
we entered a stage of dormancy and things starts to get a little eased.
At this point of time, I believe that many would revert to their 'old patterns',
of playing, enjoying and laughing all day long with their friends and mates;
while the much more observant ones would use this dormant period to pace themselves,
so that they could gradually move towards excellence in academics,
fulfilling the responsibilities of a student.

Like many, I try to make full use of the minutes and seconds;
everything, from work to play, has to be generally productive,
if not helpful to my aspects.
So, while I become a workaholic on one end and tackle my inadequacy in academics,
I knew well of when to let loose and relax.

Again for every action or task we fulfill,
there must be a reason or purpose for it.
Despite the fact that I lack reasons for the involvement in my work,
I believe that life still has to be productive on the overall.
Sticking to this mindset, I put in the utmost effort to make the best out of everything,
hoping that the time is never wasted and is spent at least on doing something meaningful.
Maybe for the time being that will stay as my reasons, perhaps.

I noticed the trend of BGRs in my school,
particularly my class and people around me.
One by one, those alte Kameraden 'left' me,
much for the fact that every relationship needs the investment of time and effort.
So on one hand you forge trust with your soulmate,
on the other hand you might not realize that you are eroding that old bond of yours.

In general I observed that teens do better in their everything when they get into a relationship, especially in my school-
maybe much due to the fact of good mood and motivation brought by the relationship;
the girl or boy also stands as a perfect reason for you to strive for excellence,
so that this relationship would be built upon a better and stronger foundation.

I have to admit that at times I am pretty much disturbed,
and disgusted at all the lovely-dovely between these teens;
yet on the other hand I am astonished by the effect that love brought upon them.
With this powerful reason, some boosted their position to some top 20s;
and others became more hardworking and interested in knowledge.

I would often put myself in comparison with these people,
especially my close mates whom many are in a relationship;
often I would ask myself,
"Look. They have a purpose in life. What's yours?"

Being much of a social outcast of a different personality,
relationships and friendships had never been a priority in my teenage years.
I firmly believe in the old saying of "Prime of Life"-
the days whereby we feel, think, and look young are the best days of life.
Certainly this is the one and only period of prime in life;
never would you really reached another period,
where you feel young physically and mentally.

At this point of time when we are the most naive,
the most energetic and enthusiastic,
we would put in the utmost effort whenever we set our eyes on something.
I would refer that as the bashfulness and rashness of a youth;
some kind of straight thinking and decisive actions that solely come from the youth.

If these are to be the days where we lay our foundations,
then we got to set our priorities right and lay a solid foundation.

Hence, after much thinking previously,
I had come to understand something:
For most of the time in life, you only have one chance.
That includes your youth.
If we were to spent our youth dwelling over games and play,
relationships, that bitter-sweet puppy love...
Then I believe that the same bashfulness of youth that made us happy,
would make us sad and regretful in time to come when we reach old age.

Over here, I am not trying to discourage people from getting into a BGR;
though I do not believe that the magics of love would work on me,
I still believe in the existence of love that would overcome all obstacles.
However, we have to be clear about what we are doing-
we got to set priorities about our life.
We have to understand what is beneficial, and what is not.

The short period of enjoyment now may be soothing to the mind,
but yet the consequences are long term.
We live only once; likewise youth only applies to all of us once.
Hence, it is important for us to spend the time of teenage in appropriate areas and manner.

Maybe it is because of this mindset; the mindset of being productive,
making things meaning, that really get me to sit down and do what I should be doing.

In time to come, I hope to see the fruits of my labour;
yet when the reality doesn't corresponds with my wishes,
I could only say that my conscience is clear-
I spent the time that never returns in a wise manner.

Legacy 2

无意之间在Facebook看到了我校学生军新任排长（我亲点的）写的一些东西，
其中包括一句他对于昔日在我管辖之下的军训日子的status update，
表示了他对往事的怀念和向往。
这让我想起了当年“三英力挫士官长”的英雄事迹，
又让我对于中华学生军及这群小弟的付出、贡献，
在一次进行了衡量及检讨。

回想起来，那是多么快乐、笑点多多的日子啊。
回忆起当时的点点滴滴，想起当年是如何与他们打破僵局，
建立关系、撇清彼此之间的误会；
到后来一心一意的训练、教导他们，从如何操步、开枪，
到世间中的人情世故，及面对人生挑战的建议。。。
到最终训练完毕，看他们顺利接手军权，看他们修炼得“肉身成圣”，
看他们为学生军开创一个新时代，为学校谱写一个新篇章。。。

我不知道自己到底给于了他们多少，
不过我想说的是，他们教会我了不少其他人无法教我的东西。
他们让我明白为人师表的感受，让我了解身为领导的责任；
此外，从他们身上也学会了许多道理，从而对自己进行反省。

想起当年我抱着“雄心大志”入伍学生军，
一心想如同我兄长一般，在学生军中大展拳脚，给自己留下一世英名。
想不到结果却无法如愿以偿，自己不知受了多少委屈、冤枉。
但是这群小子却让我在对于学生军绝望时重燃一丝希望，
让我在他们升上看见这个团体的未来。
所以，我一心一意付出，就是希望有朝一日，
他们能够重挽学生军那扫地已久的名誉，为自己开辟一个新的开始。

也就是如此，才有了“三英力挫士官长”的故事。

看着今日的他们已迈入了自己在学生军中的辉煌时代，
成为新一代的领导人，呼风唤雨；
但谁晓得，他们是否还记得当年的军训、昔日的教导？
能看到他们为学生军努力付出得却让我感到欣慰，
不过我还希望他们能记得那些教导，
不要重犯旧人所犯的错误。

当那些快乐的日子迈入回忆里时，留下的是永恒的美好。
自己从中得到的，足以让自己感到骄傲、欣慰；
自己从中给于的，足以影响众人，改变一切。

我不能说我给他们留下哪些有用或有帮助的教导，
不过我很肯定我给他们留下的是一副我们共同拥有的回忆。
我不能把他们所有的成就都归于我昔日的教导，
不过我肯定他们取得的成功都是我在学生军终无法付出的一些不足。
我不能说这一段日子我给他们启发了哪些东西，
不过我肯定，这段日子影响了他们的一生。

也应该影响了我的一生吧。

所有的功成名就，在离别时就化为乌有；
管他是士官长、还是其他团体的那些主席、负责人；
来时两手空空，走时两袖清风，
留下的，不是遗憾或悔恨，
而是永恒的回忆，启发人生的教导。

人生，也不就是如此，如同拉蜡烛吗？
燃烧自己，发出光亮，点燃其他蜡烛；
在自己将化为乌有时，已成功给他人带来光亮，
同时，用自己的火焰点燃其他蜡烛。

Update

And uhh, a few days went by,
but not as productive as the previous week.
I guess much of the adrenaline from the exam left me,
so while I return to the old routine and carry out things in a sequence,
again I feel the lack of energy to get up and get some work done.

But much of the motivation is still there.

As compared to the previous week,
I doubt that I've done much to fulfill the 'least requirements' for my revision.
Given that my life basically encircles around mugging,
this analysis is telling me that my life isn't productive on the overall.
Of course I couldn't say that I'm bored with it or something else;
at this crucial point of time, I don't know why I tend to grow some sense,
and began doing whatever a real student should be doing.

A gain I have to say is that, I'm not very sure how others are doing,
but I always bear in mind that I am lagging behind.
Perhaps much of the time these days are wasted away via daydreaming, eating, etc.
But well, I'm kind of relief that at least I began to feel some responsibility for myself.

I guess I got to cut down on the blog a bit, for obvious reasons;
1) I can't write quality stuff when my life is all about studying,
2) There's nothing interesting in life to trigger any inspiration.

Again typing till this line, I get a little stuck,
and I seriously don't know how to continue.
Well well, perhaps I should stop using the computer totally.

Again when I really try to put in my best for my studies,
I felt a sense of procrastination from stopping me sometimes.
Maybe I'm getting a little bit overboard, or I'm just not as concentrated enough.

Alright, there it goes for the update;
I see what I can fill in the next time I'm around.

Comments for our young heroine

Like any other day in Term 3, it's another hectic day that rushed by.
I was expecting, like any other Wednesdays,
to receive a newspaper article commentary as our weekly assignment.
But it seems like our HCL teacher is having a pleasant day today,
so, what we did was just a little discussion on the articles,
instead of doing a long, detailed commentary.

As we discussed and analyze the various headlines on the newspaper,
we gradually drew our attention towards a specific article on Comma,
the Chinese newspaper published exclusively for secondary students.
Taking a look at it, it was regarding the 'letter to the education minister';
which I believe its stance and viewpoints to be concur by many people.

While most local students express agreement over the content of the letter,
me, on the other hand, beg to differ.
I have read this letter before,
a few times on Facebook with this letter(originally a Facebook circulating around),
and twice on Temasek Review.
I must say that the situation expressed in this note are of the reality;
in fact, of the very harsh reality containing facts that I have to agree with.
However, after much digestion of the contents of this letter,
I have to oppose the viewpoints of our young heroine's in her letter to our education minister.

It is fact that she portrayed in her note;
the curriculum, the system, the teaching methods,
to the 'because Cambridge says so', 'because Carbon isn't a metal', etc.
But what I am against is about her perception towards our education system;
or I should say, the way she perceived the outcome of our system,
as well as her skeptic viewpoints regarding this system.

Been it, felt it, seen it;
I myself is one of the products of this system.
I've went through countless CAs, SAs, class tests and common tests;
at times I didn't bothered to give much of a concern for such grades that I deemed as "pointless and unnecessary",
yet at certain moments I choose to put in the best of my effort into every question I face with in a certain examination.
But for most of the times this actually voice down to the crucial decision regarding my level promotion or subject streaming,
instead of the passion and enthusiasm for education and knowledge.

True enough, this system have turned us into robots,
robots who would only do things in one manner,
and see things in one perspective.
But it is the same system that turned us into productive robots,
useful robots, as well as robots in high demand.
Being assimilated into this system a decade ago,
I have to say that in some ways I'm brainwashed by the system;
but at the same time I remain clear-minded regarding when to curse and swear about the system,
as well as when to appreciate and understand the policies implemented to keep the system going.

Yes, it is the principles of meritocracy that turn some things into a paper chase.
But isn't this what emerging LDCs are doing,
using it as a jumpboard to nurture leaders of their nations,
so that these people who have participated in the paper chase could bring their nation to grater heights?
Look at China, look at Korea...
If people there can strive to be of their very best,
then what are we complaining about when we have heavily subsidized education,
when some kids in Africa don't even get a chance to learn ABC?

At times I always felt that we failed to appreciate whatever the government or decision makers have done for us.
Despite the fact that at times they couldn't 100% understand our plight and did not went through the same process as we did,
I always believe that whatever that they have done is out of the goodwill for the nation and the people.
Certainly a policy might piss you off regarding the way it might affect you,
maybe the policy-maker might not understand the real implications due to this policy...
But haven't all of them done it for the sake of us,
the future leaders of this nation?

Another thing I would like to emphasize is about the way our young heroine expressed her unhappiness towards the system.
I mean, knowing that the system have its limitations in some way,
is writing a note on facebook to the minister the most effective solution?
Minister Heng is of another generation and era;
he might not be able to understand the thoughts and perceptions of us, the youngsters.
Rather that expressing our unhappiness towards the system towards long-winded discussion online,
why can't we just pull our socks up, get some decent grades for our O levels,
so that we can have the ability to enter the government service,
and to alter and improve this system,
so that we can 'end whatever agony that we have gone through',
before it reaches the next generation?

I have to admit that sometimes us, the young ones,
have not only overlooked the goodwill and effort our forebears have put in for us;
sometimes I also find that we tend to only look from our own perception,
and stubbornly stick to our own thoughts,
at times unwilling to listen to the explanation of others.
While on one hand we concur with whatever our young heroine have said,
have you ever tried explaining why the people before us put this system in today's place?
Have you ever wondered why they did things this way?
Have you ever tried understanding the system, understanding the viewpoints of our policy-makers?
Looking at our young heroine's one-sided view,
I have to say that at times, the young and rash ones, including me,
tend to overlook the most valuable and cherish values in life.

I must clarify that I am not some form of PAP supporter,
and neither do I have any personal grudge with our young heroine;
like all of you, I'm just expressing my views regarding this incident.
Nevertheless our young heroine have done a courageous act that no one before her had really done before;
with this, I also hope that in the time to come youngsters can be more open with their views,
so that it would benefit our policy-makers in making decisions that suits us.

All in all, I got to say that the earth is round;
one thing can be viewed from different manners.
It is important for us to put ourselves in the shoes of others,
as well as understanding the perspective of other's actions.
Yet, it remains a concerning issue that our young ones tend to take for granted whatever things they have in life,
not knowing that it is viewed as a form of luxury in the lives of others.

Thank you.

The Serangoon Redemption

I believe this is a prison, or maybe rehabilitation centre,
that most of us have set foot in before.
May it be in childhood or teenage, may the duration be short or long;
sometimes the experiences here left us with haunting memories,
while some lessons learnt in here are inspirational moments that will change you for life.
There's a dozen different people you'll expect to meet here-
all the way from the Prison Warden to the cell guards.

It is awkward for you all to see me expressing this place with such a term, 'prison';
but however there is a reason I refer it to as a prison.
Like any other criminals arrested for their crimes,
there's bound to be something that I've done wrong that put me 'behind bars',
which purpose of sending me here is to rehabilitate me.

Unlike most prison that consist of prisoners of a single gender,
this rehabilitation centre comprises of cellmates from both gender,
as well as a little mixture of people of other races and nationalities.
This prison, is a school; and with this,
I shall begin my story of the 'Serangoon Prison'.

4 years ago I was sent here for a fairly justifiable reason;
a reason that requires me to go through some form of rehabilitation,
so that I would wake up my bloody idea and stop screwing around with life.
In my capacity as a student, I admit that I have failed my profession,
as well as creating undesirable results from my work.
Therefore, I was sent here with two aims:
One, which is to get me to start doing what a student should be doing;
two, to change that attitude of mine for good.

If one have gone through time in anywhere else,
he or she would understand the plight of someone wearing a uniform;
a uniform that chains you under a certain identity that you do not desire.
This plight is simple; for instance, you have to ask for permission for everything you do,
even if it's a trip to the washroom for a piss.

The routine here is something that will leave one with eternal memories;
everyday you are put through the same thing, doing the same stuff to achieve the same target,
yet without a specific aim which you see to benefit you in anyway.
The process is hard, and mentally-challenging;
but I have to admit that all these paperwork are something light,
as compared to all those chores you'll be doing in a real prison.
Like how you get a mathematician to write a history essay,
it's just like doing something that you didn't like at all.

If all the 'prison activities' are something that get me to do whatever a student should be doing,
then all the interactions with the people here,
are the factors that will fulfilled task number two listed above.

All the way from wardens, guards to cellmates,
I must admit that there is a ton of undesirable people in Serangoon Prison.
There are people who would constantly create trouble for you;
there are cellmates who have been through a hell of life,
and are real, trained veterans of the harsh reality.
These are the people who would make life difficult for you,
by posing challenges and ganging up against you in any manner.

Not to forget about the cell guards;
like us, they are no different from what people define as a villain.
The only difference between us is the level of violence and evil we had in us;
the wardens like to put these 'trusted turnkeys' in charged of ordinary cellmates.
There's also a couple of them that wore the green uniform of a guard-
these are the real devils who serve as the nemesis of all prisoners.

It would be normal if these 'authorised personnel' obstruct your daily life.
What is worse is when they purposely create trouble for you,
and get you down into deep shit with the warden or the chief guard...
and then the next moment you would find yourself in solidarity confinement,
if not taking a few slash of the rotan from the chief guard.

Wardens is another matter.
Some are real devils who do their work for the sake of the salary;
whatever they do is just because they have their own interest in mind.
But there are also exceptional ones who are the Captains of Life;
these are the real saints that would be in their utmost effort and sincerity,
be it towards their job or towards any prisoner.
They would take their patience in coaching a prisoner back to the right path,
as well as providing chances for a prisoner to see good and kindness in himself.

There's a large variety of personalities I met here;
but definitely for most of the times you would come into contact with the cellmates.
As I said before there are cellmates that are real hardcore veterans,
who are out to seek trouble and make life difficult for everyone.
However there are also 'newbies' who are of the same plight as you;
then there are also some accused some crimes they never done and end up here.

I must say in this mixed gender prison,
I came across prisoners that screw you up in any manner available.
However, there are real friends that you would find here too;
these are the people who would help you whenever you need,
and also render their support and assistance in times of trouble.
I must say that at times these are the people that pulled me through my term here;
they were the reason that I must sit through my time and walk out a free man.

As I'm nearing my parole this year,
the prison have organized the annual 'Yellow Ribbon Project',
which purpose is to help each prisoner and guard to gain a qualification,
so that they would be able to 'seek employment' or find 'jobs of better aspects' when they 'finished their contract' or their 'term'.

It is another crucial point of time in life once more;
the warden says that if I perform well for this project,
I will be acquitted of all my charges at once, and be release as a free man.
If not, I'll just have to sit through another term of 2 or 3 years.

I would say that this is a form of redemption, maybe.
A redemption for my crime, a redemption for my wrongdoings.
And maybe, a redemption for my ignorance back then.

it was all that ignorant and pride that landed me in this state.
Back then, you were young and egoistic.
You thought that you're the top of the world.
You do things without thinking, until you make a mistake.
Some mistakes are minor ones, yet some takes you a lifetime to redeem it.

I'm thankful that I have the chance to redeem myself, after 4 years.
This time, I shall walk out a free man.

Chances, will be there.

And so, it's been a week or so since the last Preliminary Exam paper;
life is starting to revert back to the normal circumstances,
following the usual routine, doing the same things.
Yet, we are anticipating a second round to be coming up soon;
I don't expect myself to take a short break before the second prelims,
but using this period of time to catch a breather,
as well as tying up all my loose ends in revising the syllabus.

I couldn't feel the real intensity when I was studying for the first round of exams,
but after I've seen many shocked faces from this round of papers and witnessing their determination to top the honour rolls,
I began to feel differently, as well as feeling driven and motivated to study harder,
in order to sustain and improve my current situation in academics.
It's a real hard battle awaiting all of us-
a struggle for supremacy among different students,
a campaign of fighting towards straight distinctions between schools,
the 'company quota' given by HODs to various teachers...

Not to forget about the struggle between oneself,
to get myself disciplined and motivated in this turning point of life.

It's been four years ever since the last turning point in my life.
Yes, I screwed up badly that time and landed in agony and pain for four years.
Again this time I'm faced with a second turning point;
one that would affect my life for good.
So, am I going to be as lax as back then, and get myself screwed up;
or am I going to emerged victorious in this struggle,
and join the ranks of elites?

It's hard, it's the system;
but there's nothing else we can do to it.
Well, we have to learn to beat the system at its own game;
study hard, be accomplished and successful.
Only by then you shall have qualifications to make amendments to the system.

All of a sudden I felt a strong sense of responsibility;
to study hard, of course.
Perhaps I am kind of motivated by the first round of exams;
who knows, the second round is going to get tougher,
and we just have to pull our socks up.

Never give up, that's all I can say;
maximize your potential and be the very best you can be.

And this is the only chance whereby I can escape from the screwed up life of mine.
Studying is the only way out? I guess so, in my case.

If I never take full advantage of this turning point this time round,
well, who knows when is the next time whereby life would give you another chance.

Career Seminar

It's been a long, long day;
We had a long 'Career Seminar' in school lasting till 4.30pm,
and it was a bit of dry for most of the times.
Well, saying that it was a 'Career Seminar',
all the school did was to get successful ex-students back here,
like professors, directors, etc, to share about their success stories,
and how they attributed it to the school for first realizing their potential.

My mind was mostly blank throughout the whole seminar,
which comprises tertiary institutions giving a presentation about themselves,
and also some exhibitions by various tertiary institutions,
and not to forget about the talks by those ex-students.
However, despite my rejection towards the stuff from the seminar,
this seminar indeed send me into deep thoughts, again;
and so I wonder...

If one day there's a chance whereby I could be like one of them,
standing in front of my juniors, as an ex-student and a successful person in society,
well, at that point of time, who am I and what will I be doing?

I guess most people had their way ahead plan beforehand;
they knew where they should be standing in 10 to 20 years time,
and viewed the education today as little steps towards their big dreams.
Some though didn't looked as far as them;
but they have a clear idea where their next checkpoint would be.

For me, let me just live the current and do the current;
I'm not quite sure about where's my next checkpoint,
needless to mention about my desired destination.
To say that I'm unsure, unclear, unmotivated or under-prepared,
I would say, all four of them, actually.

But back to the question; so I ask myself if one day I'm going to be one of those ex-students up there,
giving a presentation, and showing how successful they are...
who would I be, what will I be doing?
First daydream thoughts is that I could visualize myself in the Legionnaire uniform,
sharing my stories as the first Singaporean to join the French Foreign Legion,
impressing the boys, holding them in awe... Something like that.

If not, then I'll be some kind of person having an unique profession,
which this profession seems mysterious to many people,
yet amazes everyone with whatever I do in my vocation.

Aha! So that's it; perhaps I've sort of answered a question I've yet to answered for 16 years.

What I really want is something out-of-the-box, something unconventional;
something different, yet unique at the same time.
Perhaps I don't feel content or happy doing whatever that everyone's doing,
or just living up to people's expectations.
I want to do something that I really want to do, something different,
something that suits my personality, something that just clicks with me.

So I thought about it, I need a dream that is different;
I need an aspiration that is unique in its own ways,
I need to do it, everything, in my own manner.

I don't want to do something that earns a lot, or will get me somewhere,
maybe I'll just be fine doing something that makes me myself.

So again I asked myself, 'What is that which I do will make me myself?'
Honestly, I have difficulties answering to this question.

I guess the problems lies deeply in my interest;
I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I really like;
I'm not so sure where my interest lies in.
For a good 16 years in life, most projects that came through my hands,
or having me appointed as leader,
will just end up either as a failure or as a sub-pass.

Here, I asked myself, so what can I do? What am I exactly good at?

It seems like none is the answer when I spammed myself with such questions;
but then in one moment I recalled one of the best part of memories:
the times leading my A-Team, teaching them, training them, guiding them.
Then I wonder, among my failed career as a NCC cadet,
is this something that I've done wrong again,
or least make a difference somewhere that makes it alright?

A doctor could cure many patients, yet it seems difficult to cure himself;
at times, I wonder how true it is in this case.
But in this instance I put this into relation with my future;
sometimes, I just couldn't motivate and guide myself to my next checkpoint,
but yet I could lead others to a higher level than where they are now.

Yes, this is the 'something different' that I always wanted to do.
Doing something not for myself, not for my family, but for the masses, for a cause.
Leading not myself, not my peers, but strangers.
That's what I really want to do;
like a candle, I ignite myself, only to bring light and warmth to others.

I want to inspire lives, as well as sustain to dimming lives, creating new lives.
I'm not a pro at driving myself;
but I know that there's a huge group of people out there that needs me to drive them more than driving myself.

So what, a platoon sergeant like what I used to be? No.
Then a teacher, or a lecturer to add value to students? No.
What about a speaker, whose words can touch the hearts of many? Maybe.

I thought of being a counsellor, pulling people back to where they should be;
yet at this time, one fierce yet inspiring job came into mind:
A Prison Warden.

After all, I just want to make a difference, for life, that's all.