Just can't say it

It's been some time since the last time I'm here-
life's been pretty normal and peaceful;
I don't really see a reason of blogging anything that serves no inspiration.

The weekends passed by quietly,
and then, the first two days of the week was spent in a camp.
Now there's some time left before start of the new school term;
I guess these days will be spent mugging away.

Obviously there will always be a reason for me to come here;
this blog serves as a portal or platform for me.
A portal of communication, a platform of showcase.
Thoughts that I felt that the masses should know, it'll be here.
Feelings that I couldn't find anywhere else to release, it'll be here.
Woes and tears that no one bothered, I guess this blog gives me a listening ear.

Heartfelt words that I shouldn't be saying, all said here.

For a long time there's some message I want to convey,
and certain words I feel like saying-
but then i just couldn't do it.
Or should I say, I'm not courageous enough to risk it-
risk blowing up the current situation to get to my aim.
Even though the current situation sucks,
but I guess it's better off this way;
better than deteriorating to something worse.

Sometimes I guess I have too much troubles;
and all of these comes from myself.
I think I'm problematic; in a sense that my life is full of problems.
Often I feel like pouring all out on someone else;
but well, others have problems of their own.
Who is that free to listen to what i have to say?

And life goes on like that, since day one.

I must say I'm getting used to it.
Living it off without the moral support, or the emotional comfort.
I mean, who cares man; my words were never words.
Like it or not, at this point of time I'm already used to it.
Maybe I'm just numb, or some sort of immune.
But then, the pain is forever.

I can understand how some people view me as some sort of outcast,
away from the world, whining away and no one cares.
I wonder what are the definitions for care, concern, and love.
I was never cared for, hence I don't care for others;
I was never a concern, hence I only concern myself;
No one taught me what was love, thus I live life without it.

I guess, it's just a process that I have to go through.

There's a lot that I want to say.
But I know, they'll never listen, she don't care.
So, I put them all in my heart.

Though I'm used to it, but I do want a change.
An escape from the current situation,
or some sort of breakthrough.
Life's too miserable if it's like this till judgement day.

Saying a ton of crap here,
I guess actually what I want to say is,
I do hope that you'll notice,
I do hope that you'll see,
I do hope that you'll care.
Maybe, your presence in life is something too significant;
maybe, by fulfilling all these, the flowers of life blossoms.

Because that is all I ever wished for in life;
to know that, at the end, at least you'll notice.

Carpe Diem

As I was reading about all the natural disasters happening today,
and then about the crisis in Libya and the Arabian world,
a strange thought rushed into my mind:
What if, today is the last day of all existence,
or tomorrow is the end of the world?
And then everything will be gone like that...
never to come back, never to return...

Then I began to wonder,
what are the things that I'll really regret if the world just ends like this.
I guess there's a lot of things that I either procrastinate,
or didn't have the courage to do so,
shall be the ones that will be of eternal remorse.
Things like not studying hard enough for my exams,
things like not making full use of every bit of time,
things like not clearing up tensions or misunderstandings I have with people,
things like not doing my duties in class well enough,
things like not saying the truth when I'm suppose to,
and things like...not telling or expressing what I really, really felt.

To think of it, it's really a whole ton of regrets-
a list of things that I never bothered doing,
or a list of things that I'll procrastinate towards the never-coming tomorrow.
There have always been a sort of feeling telling you that you ought to carry them out,
but in the end it just ends up back in square one.

I mean, if really some sort of nuclear war happened,
or some sort of meteorite crashed upon Earth,
or some serious tsunami just swallow everyone up...
Then, there will be no chance to remedy or make up for anything, anymore.
It just stays as thoughts that were never put into action.

Pulling myself out of my silly thoughts,
I feel a sudden sense of urgency when I'm back in the real world.
The urgency to get things done, the urgency to do it right;
the urgency to say things out, the urgency to say it well;
the urgency to clear things up, the urgency to make it clear.

And the urgency to tell you what I deemed as something I shouldn't be saying.

Now my point here is that,
time waits for no man, and then, you'll never know what might happened the next moment.
You never knew if anything would take place, or anything would just change-
it happens at such instantaneous speed that you'll never be fast enough to react.
And after that, you'll start regretting...

Whatever you are procrastinating about, get it done right away.
You never knew, what might happen and you'll never get to do it again.
Whatever you feel like saying, seize the opportunity to convey it.
You never knew, what might happen that you'll lose all chances of saying it.
Whatever you feel like doing, then get it done...
because opportunities don't knock on the same door twice...

It just seems like anything could take place anytime,
and we'll just lose everything in one instantaneous moment.
Time awaits no man, and opportunities only comes knocking once;
seize the time, grab the opportunity, get it done, get it said.
Whatever that you'll feel lethargic to get done,
do it quick, do it well; before it becomes an eternal regret.

Typing till here, I wonder if these silly thoughts of mine,
will lead me towards doing silly actions...

But well, I hope the ones who read this,
will get what i am trying to convey.

Because well, time passes too fast, and the world is so everychanging;
we don't have much space for any regret.

Cyber Wellness

It doesn't really matter if some inconsiderate netizens play punk on my blog;
trying to find trouble and loopholes with my posts,
and worse still, pollutes my tagboard.
I mean, I welcome freedom of speech.
Anyone degrading me on my own tagboard means that I must have done something wrong,
such that I offended someone.
I can accept it, all the lame stuff and whatsoever.

But not using your name, that's it.

It doesn't matter too much if they're coming at me...
I'm so used to all these nonsense by uncivilised people.
But not using your name;
not using it as a joke, not using it as a form of punk play.
It's just an insult to you, and a form of disrespect.

I mean, when some netizens got any problems with me in real life,
they should just deal with me alone in real life,
not hiding behind the computer and acting like a coward,
using aliases and worse of all, your name.

I mean, I don't mind anyone trying to find trouble with me...
but not getting my friends into the picture.

I think I know who you are;
I don't really have much enemies, and not many people visits this blog.
But then, why getting my friend into the picture?
Haven't the school taught enough of cyber responsibility?

I don't like it when some netizens tries to be an asshole and do something funny;
worse of all, using my friend's name!
That's such a huge disrespect to another fellow netizen, and my friend!

Well, I just hope netizens can practice some form of cyber wellness-
they ought to know what to do, and what not to.

Quality and Quantity

It's just like another 'All's well ends well' story...

I don't know, but well, it's been too late to come-
but better late than never.
I mean, to my clearest memory,
this piece of cloth was what my fellow mates and I sought after since 3 years back.
Back then, we're still young and innocent-
to us, it was what that represents everything, or maybe most things,
that you would be in this company.

It was all a series of struggles, and office politics-
I've seen the deepest and darkest of all edges of life;
the good, the bad, the kind, the cruel.
Back then in my journey for fame and power,
I think I lost a lot of that innocence that I supposed to have.

It was hard and terrible truth a year ago,
when i have to come to realise that I was reduced to nothing-
no longer in the competency to strive for excellence,
no longer in the position to vie for the best.
I was, reduced and trampled, further away from square one;
typically, all my merits was washed away in one moment.

There came an 'exile' order by the previous Commanding Officer;
I was appointed to train the elites left over by my predecessor.
It was all laughter and joy, as mentioned-
what matters from then till now,
is the process and experience, not the outcome.

Today when my comrades told me that I'm getting that cloth;
that piece of cloth that got me gaga years back...
well, I don't feel the joy, and neither do I feel the sense of achievement.

Through the months that passed by,
I guessed I really learned a lot.
Well, there's a lot of things in life that couldn't be measured by quantity;
they can only be perceive by quality.
I was so was my effort put in and treatment received from the company;
what really matters isn't the quantity that they gave me,
but rather, the quality that I presented, the quality I received.

Being able to lead a team of elites,
and work with one of the most intellectual comrades...
I guess it just outweighs that five chevrons and a coat-of-arms.
Having it or not, it doesn't really matter;
my quality is not represented on the chevrons sewed upon my sleeve,
but rather, the obedience and respect I gained from my followers and peers.

I'm not thrilled by it- totally.
Using this, I just hope that readers can understand,
sometimes, it is not achievement and effort put in;
certain things couldn't be measured by the quantity you put in and receive,
it could only be weigh by the quality of the whole process.

I mean, I can get an A1 on my CCA report,
but then it's just kind of pointless when no one respects and listen to me.
Conversely, I can fail my CCA report,
but certainly I don't fail completely when I still command respect among my men.

I used to think that it was chevrons that represented everything-
it took me a lot of hardships and effort to understand the truth behind it.

At least, I understand now.

And I remembered when one of my elite asked me if I'm getting a promo,
this is what I answered:

"Staff or sergeant, in the end I'm still your Boss."

Chevrons or not, A1 or not;
I am still who I am;
it makes no difference after all.

The satisfaction of life is accumulated through quality,
not built upon quantity.

Legacy

Perhaps one of the greatest moments in my life,
was to be able to lead a platoon of 27 men, each of different personalities,
and having a intellectual as my aide-de-camp.
I'm just a mere student, so are they;
bu together we make a formidable team, I guess.

I possess nothing, I have none;
but for one moment, I commanded the obedience of 27 people.
Like it or not, they followed my every single word-
but it was not for naught.

I ain't a great man, nor am I a good leader;
but for a moment I commanded great men and leaders.
Different personalities serve the Corps under my guidance-
raging from strictness to a joker to the core.
Even though a minority might be jokers,
but they're the one who brought laughter to the platoon.

As compared to my predecessor,
I guess my efforts are inadequate.
Perhaps I've never done enough to realise their potential;
worse still, I might not done enough to prepare them for the next phrase of their career path.
But I assumed most of them enjoyed the moments together;
ranging from utmost strictness and discipline,
to joking and laughing away,
together.

I don't really think that I've done a good job.
And I don't think I've done much to help most of them.
But it is, and it will be, these moments,
that lingers in the memory lane,
till the die I withered and die.
A mere little failure in school like me,
was given the opportunity to lead and spend time with great men and leaders...
I guess, that's more than enough, more than everything.

And days ago I was still talking to my aide-de-camp,
"Well, do you think our effort is adequate?
Do you think I have done enough for them, for the company?"

And he said calmly,
"I guess at least we done a pretty average job...
well, we left behind a legacy among some of them."

Alright, all right;
it doesn't really matter much, whether I've done great to change them;
but well, I believe the moments we had together,
will leave behind legacies...
not just only in them, but in the company, for generations to come.

I was never ever given chances to do something;
other than this time.
For a moment, there was something that I stood proud of-
the order and discipline of the past was what I used to brag about.

You guys gave me chance, a chance to show, a chance to portray;
I wonder how good, or badly, I fared in your hearts...
but well, at this moment, it doesn't really matter.
Having able to guide you all through times and moments,
I guess it's all enough, more than enough.
But I would like to say, thank you for giving me chance,
to do something, to show, to portray.

I don't think I've done much to make anything better-
but what lingers in the aftermath is the seasons in the sun.

It's now time to fly, to soar, to achieve;
and time for me to step down, to see how far you guys could fly.
I think, the moments are coming to an end soon;
now, it's your time, to create legacies of your own.
leave behind nothing, no regrets, no sadness...
but legacies.

And once again, the proudest moment of life,
and the most memorable, till the day I withered and die,
was not the times I stood proud in front of everyone;
but rather, it was, with the presence of the 27 elites,
that I stood proud in front of myself.

Perhaps I didn't really done a good job,
and maybe, these moments are mixed of smiles and frowns;
but well, it is what that lingers in the memory lane,
till the end, till eternal.

Why

It has never been, and it'll never be.

I don't know why I'm coming here to crap so late at night,
but well, there are a few things that I hope to discard in the cyber world,
and then, start everything afresh the next day.

But well, how much can I say? How much can I post?
It invites nothing but trouble.
Frankly speaking, perhaps the existence of this blog,
is merely a platform for me to escape from reality temporarily.
I mean, well, my writing skills ain't great to nowhere;
and then, no one seriously gives a damn about whatever feelings I portray here.

I ever thought of shutting down this blog,
and then, maybe just lead a life that spends lesser time on the computer.
But then, this little blog have transformed into a form of reliance.
I'm too reliant on it to get myself moving on;
because other than the keyboard, no one else cares about whatever I feel and think.

There's a lot I want to voice out.
Views, ideas, thoughts, perceptions, and most importantly,
feelings.
But I believe that no one else cares so much;
to many, I'm a mere supporting cast in the story of their life,
and even worse, just a nobody.
many wouldn't care-
even if they did, it's just a little pat and then a few words of console;
sort of entertaining me to stop me from whining.

It doesn't really cost a lot to make me feel happy.
All I need is genuine care, and maybe, a listening ear?
But no one else cares, and no one likes to listen.

Maybe the cyber world is the only place,
whereby I feel that at least I'm something.
This blog, is my fantasy land.

How much I want to say the three word,
or how much I want to voice my opinions.
But well, no one cares. I wonder why.
Maybe, perhaps, I'm just too insignificant.
My role, is too small.

Even I don't see what purpose I am living for.
Even I don't see a purpose of my efforts.
Even I don't see a reason why should other care about me.
Well, I don't need that kind of slight pat you'll give an acquaintance.
I think I'm better without that.

I don't know, I don't know;
I feel so dejected in life.
It just seems like there's nothing much I can do.
It just seems like no one bothers and care.

Everyone, or sometimes, every girl, said the same thing to me.
"Hey, look around there's friends who care about you."
"Hey, wait patiently, and you'll find the destined one."

And yet, you guys didn't care like how genuine friends cared;
and yet, you girls never appreciate at all.

I'm real tired of this.
But fret not, though no one bothers,
I can't possibly end my life for this.
Be it God or Allah they call Him;
He put me through this, I believe, for a purpose.

It's just that I don't see the purpose of it.

But well, I guess life goes on- no matter what happens.

But heck, I had enough of this lone ranger survival.

But why me who go through all these,
being unlucky and unhappy for 15, near 16 years of life?

Frankly speaking, I've never been genuine happy through these 15 years;
because nothing really happened to make me smile.
And I've never been genuine angry-
at least, I'm tolerant enough with all the bullshit around me.

But then, I guess frown for most of my life.

Life Driver

It's been a pretty average week;
not too much work, and then, pretty average.
It seems like things are going a little low after the CTs;
you receive lesser work, then the pace slower down by 1 or 2km/h.
It's not enough to catch a breather, but at least it's better than nothing.

Of course, having so much time off hand isn't really a great thing.
Without homework to keep me company,
I'm pushed into deep thoughts whenever I have some idle time on hand.
And then you'll start thinking of whatever you can think of under the sun...
Yeap, and those negative ones.
So, it's not pretty good after all.

I'm not looking forward to the March Holidays;
for sure there is a pile of holiday homework awaiting us.
I just hope that I could use these few days to regenerate,
and then get prepared to tackle another wave of work and stress.

So without all those usual buddies to bother you,
something else will start taking over them,
and get you vexed and frustrated over them.
Without work to keep me thinking,
you'll start thinking otherwise...

It just seems like every little thing I see can push me into deep thoughts.
People using smartphones, iPods, laptops;
and then friends sporting together, brunching together;
then later you see pairs of couples walking in and out of class.
You just can't stop thinking otherwise-
you know, I live my life without what many deemed as a necessity.

I wonder if its that I'm numb, or just tired-
these things that prick me like needles in the past,
seem to be a lot less painful than before.
Perhaps I'm used to the kind of life I'm leading.
But that doesn't stops me from thinking otherwise.

I always believe that everything takes place with a purpose.
Well, perhaps these mental tortures are here to hone me for the better.
But well, sometimes its just unbearable-
you couldn't stop yourself from asking,
"Why is my life so?"

I'm so used to walking at my own pace.
I never slow down, or speed up for others.
After walking alone for ages, you'll be so confident of yourself-
or rather, your footsteps; you know they're secure and steadfast.
Rather, it is others footsteps that will get you distracted,
and lost pace of your own steps.

Sometimes I look at how people console and care for each other-
how I wish I have that too, rather than a pat on the shoulder,
just to zip my mouth and stop my from whining away.
But now, I guess there's not a need anymore for such consoles-
I've learned to deal with life and everything alone.
Independence, adaptability, I don't know.
At least I can do everything on my own.

And so, as the time goes by,
I get deeper and deeper into my own world...
and then, further and further away from everyone.

In the past I used to wish that,
some people would just turn their heads and looked at me-
it's a sign telling me that my existence matter.

Now it doesn't matter anymore;
like Oliver, I'm happy with what I am now-
the contented thinker living a carefree and self-paced life.

And the sun rises, and it sets;
life goes on, without fail.