end of a week

Another week flew past, but thankfully, it flew past peacefully.

Asked me what I really did during this week.
Actually nothing much, I would say;
compared to the past few weeks, this week had been so much peaceful.
Really, this week had the kind of tranquility I never had for long.

Spent much if my recess time alone,
or maybe should I say, with fruits.
I'm growing used to the life of walking alone;
sometimes, certain things are really different when you had it alone.

It's also a week, like the previous holiday week;
though there's so much to do everyday,
I felt that each day past by quickly,
but yet the week past by slowly.
Perhaps its due to the fact that there's much more to do this week,
such that all these meaningful events made the week fruitful.

But yet, I wonder whether should I be leading school life like this.

Alone.

I don't know why, certain times after going through certain stuff,
you might gain confidence for it, or lose confidence for it.
But for me, after going through certain events, I grew to lose confidence.

Seeing certain people in school somehow,
'serves' as a 'reminder' of some of my failures;
and seeing certain stuff reminds me of those nightmares.

I grew to be shy with the crowd;
being so afraid of large crowds of people,
I dare not do certain things at times,
and yet, I'm daring to do some stuff at times.
I don't know why;
the lack of recognition and scornful remarks by someone, or some people,
totally killed the confidence in me.

Though you said that those were nothing but jokes.
But they were jokes harsh enough to kill.

I don't know why, it seems like everyone could be thoughtful and understanding to other people, but not for me.
Call me being paranoid, or whatever;
facts told me that people really didn't care of how I think.

I grew to leave the crowd,
and after some time, I walked alone.

I don't know why, but I prefer this tranquility.
The feeling of not being disturbed;
the sense of achievement when you solved a problem all by yourself;
the enjoyment you had when you're alone with the sun or the moon.

There are many things I hoped for in my teenage life,
but sadly, no matter how hard I tried,
I always failed to achieve. Don't know why.

A friend of mine once told me that she felt kind of disappointed by life.
When she really fail to achieve what she wants,
or gained recognition for her talents.
I really wanted to help her, but I couldn't.

Because people can tell me in the face I'm a failure.

I remember this week Ms Ng praised me for my morning parade commands.
"Nice job this morning, yitian."
All I gave her was just a smile.

After so much disappointment in life,
I tend to be paranoid with what she says,
by suspecting that she is just being sarcastic.

I wonder how should I really earn back that rashness, that confidence,
that I used to have.