mein kampf

today i am going to tell you all a story.
the story goes like this...

gal: the NDP commander is *** **** rite?
boy: yarh.
gal: why you not the commander arh?
boy: uhh...because...
gal: is it because you're incompetent?
*SPANK*

for those who heard the story,
or even see what's going on,
i think that you guys should know what i'm talking about.

that, to me, was the biggest, biggest, insult ever in my life.
not just that it is an insult, it is a scorn.

i hardly get pissed and angry over insults people made onto me;
call me fatty, stupid, pig, whatever-
my anger flares only when justice and righteousness is violated.
here, i dare to admit on my blog,
i hit someone today because of the god damned scorn.

be it just a casual remark, a light joke, whatever-
gal, you step on the very landmine i have in me;
you remind me of my broken, shattered, unattended dreams.

mentioning of something that you'll regret for life,
it either boils your blood,
or makes you shed tears like no tomorrow.

i remember when i was still youthful and vibrant,
once i stood in front of the parade square,
after CSM shao hwee ended the last parade,
"one day, i shall command all UGs here.
one command, one movement, one solid bang!"

i worked my way hard up,
hoping to turn a dream into reality.
i did my best, but,
things didn't go my way.
despise, exile, i'm left with nothing but 27 men.

and then, many other wishes, targets;
they were also destroyed as i walk towards decline,
with my luck as a cadet finishing.

unable to achieve something that i vow to do so;
it gave me tremendous shame and scorn.
people in other UG, or even other CCA,
viewed me as someone useless.
those in NCC...nah not worth mentioning.
after losing much competition,
i could only subject myself to those who got hold of power;
enduring, suffering every unfairness, or whatsoever.

many did not mention about my big failure-
though for a moment they despise me;
but they jolly-well knew not to speak a word about it.
for an instance, my fist ain't vulnerable.

but today, for the first time, my failure was scorn upon.
be it a casual remark, a light joke, or whatsoever-
a cut is a cut.

for such a long time i did not felt so temperamental.
but for the rest of today those words kept repeating in my head.
"incompetent...incompetent...incompetent..."

and by the way, heartfelt thanks to those who cheered me up or cooled me down.
thanks to felicia, audrey and andrea.

the taste of failure is bitter;
and the taste of regret, even worse.
not just only was it a biggest failure of my life-
it was one of the only two regrets i had in 15 years of mortal life.

from now onwards,
i vow not to let defeat invade me again.
i vow, after all these nightmares, i shall be the best of the best.
no one, shall defeat me.

for the happiness of a winner,
is build upon the suffering of those who didn't have such luck.

i vow that no other people would again use the word 'incompetent' on me.
i vow to make those that defeated, insulted, scorned upon me,
to bow to me one day.