saturday

"here we going again, same ol' shit again..."

it's just the same shit that i missed out for months.
common test. hardly believe it that we're on 4/5 of the whole process.

back to the same techniques, the same routine, the same SOP...
mugging, memorising, writing, blah blah blah.
don't really feel like dedicating my weekends to studying.
but well, many times in life you don't have a choice to choose;
here, my only choice is to study.

and before i plunge deep into hell,
let me enjoy the last bits of being earthly.
so here am i, having a life, blogging.

well, so i woke up in the middle of a morning;
but what's on my mind wasn't to study for the upcoming test,
and yet, i am thinking of something else.

thinking of the shitty life in school;
thinking of how i spent lonely recesses months back;
thinking of the frequent cold shoulders my classmates still give me,
thinking of all the hope lost everytime i fail.

sometimes life is a bit too much of ups and downs for you to think optimistically.

sometimes, i really like to claim credit for all those merit i earned,
and also fight for chances for myself to display my might.

yet at time you just don't have the recognition;
or people who just say,
"you don't deserved it",
even if it is your own credit.

it had been three years;
three years, i'm leading a different kind of secondary life as compared to others.

once in p5, a relief teacher told me,
"secondary school is very fun.
when you go there you will enjoy it one."

how i know it was so hellish for me.

it's kind of happy for me,
when everytime i go through a shit,
learn to be a better person,
learn to do the right things,
learn the ropes of life.

but definitely it's not nice seeing myself being despise by others.

even if they never hang it at their lips,
their actions have betrayed me,
telling me how much they hate me.

sometimes life have to go the hard way.
but then it is way too hard for me.

certain times i always talked to this friend of mine,
who would console me in a particular way,
"when you fail to achieve something this time,
it just means that a bigger achievement is waiting for you.
when you fail to woo this gal this time,
it just means a better affinity is waiting for you."

her words remind me of another friend,
who would always console me the same way back then;
back then when i was still 12, when i didn't know a shit about secondary school.

i miss those calls in the middle of the nights then.

it's just kind of disappointing when you fail your dreams,
and you lost all hope to get close to it.
recently i saw an advertisement on channel 8.
"do you have any unfulfilled wishes or dreams?"

i feel so much like asking,
"can i have a date out with her once",
or
"can i be the sergeant major for a day?"

these 'visions' died out,
leaving behind nothing but a failed me.

many are living for tomorrow,
a tomorrow that they visioned.

i lost my rights for tomorrow.
and now i live for today.
and yet today turns out so shitty.

don't tell me i have to live for yesterday.

how i miss certain little things i never treasured and cherish in the past.

how i miss the motivation my dreams gave me back then.

now, who's left after the party ended?